Dokdo Is Ours

English Teachers are OK!

2011-11-18T11:55:00.001+09:00

I've been away from Korea for a while.
But I made this, to help English teachers to promote warm feelings between English teachers and Koreans!

You're welcome.

Remember kids: Huggy Cutes, the huggy cute bear loves you!

Closing up shop... secret identity revealed.

2011-04-01T17:47:00.000+09:00

Well, it's been a good run, but as you've noticed, posting has been light at Dokdo Is Ours.

I've been busy with other things, and it's time to fade away.

Thanks everybody for reading (even the pervs who keep finding this page by googling "Michelle Wie Upskirt"...

and if you miss me, you can go see my other writings, at the page that's taking over my free time, as I try to make a go of building a career out of writing about Korea.

Justin Vievo Is Hate a Korea and Die!

2011-02-17T15:43:00.001+09:00

Why Justin Vievo is hate the Korea in today?

It's quote from rolling the stone we're shocking at Justin Vievo who don't like the Korea so we're the angry!

I'm hope Justin Vievo voice am crack when puberty, and can't sing good after become a woman!

Hate!

Jeonju Woman With Drivers License Made President of Korea's Olympic Bid Committee

2011-02-15T22:46:00.004+09:00

Cha Sa-Soon, now 70, a resident of Jeonju, who gained world fame by finally passing the written exam for her driver's license, is again in world news, after being named the new president of Korea's Pyoungchang Olympic Bid committee.

Proud owner of a drivers license, Ms. Cha will be helping Korea promote its bid for Pyeongchang to host the 2018 Olympic games.

The previous president of the committee, Park Yong-sung, after two consecutive Olympic bid failures: to Vancouver in 2010, and to Russia's Sochi in 2014, has found continued failure simply too disheartening, and resigned.

On the other hand, Ms. Cha, whose repeated failures to pass the written drivers' exam, did not dismay her whatsoever, is the perfect candidate to head up Korea's Olympic bid committee.

"Well, after 2018, there's ... 2022, 2026, 2030, 2034..." Ms. Cha explained. There's always more Olympics, you know."

Dokdo Is Ours asked Ms. Cha whether she thought it was useful to continue making expensive bids year after year, to host the Olympics.

"Oh! The Olympics! Those are very nice. I do hope we can have them in Pyeonggchang," she said.

"And if you fail to land the 2018 Olympics, will you change your strategy in your bid for the 2022 Olympics?"

"Change strategy? No, no, no, like when I earned my drivers' license after 950 tries, I learned an important thing in life: just keep doing the same thing, and failing, until you reach success. Our strategies will remain the same. Forever. 950 times, if need be. We'll be a shoo-in for the 5,818 Olympics. I'm sure the the Master Consciousness Zeblon will grant us the 5818 Olympics, in his infinite wisdom."

"And what is the strategy?" Dokdo Is Ours inquired.

"Bribe people."

Yesterday, the Korean Football Association announced it is considering making her president of the Korea World Cup Hosting Bid Committee, as well.

Original story

Subway-Gropers Also Applaud Korean Legal System Protecting Sex-Attackers' Rights To Grope Rape and Violate Undisturbed

2011-01-10T21:14:00.002+09:00

In response to a recent press release, The Korean Subway Gropers' Alliance spoke out this week, chiming in with the larger Korean Association of Sex Attackers, expressing their support of a recent court ruling that sentenced a Korean bus driver for stopping a sex attack on the bus he was driving.

The Korean Subway Gropers' Alliance was "pleased" that the right for ~~people~~ men to conduct sex attacks undisturbed, has been defended by Korea's courts.

While the Korean Subway Gropers' Alliance has been aiming for affiliation with the Korean Association of Sex Attackers, its application has been denied for two consecutive years.

"Subway groping isn't even violent," explained Lee Byun-Tae, public relations representative for the KASA. "We've debated it every year - given the huge number of Subway Gropers, it would certainly improve our numbers and dues collection, but in the end, we're afraid that mere groping will water down the violent and intimidating image we want to convey."

Some have accused the Korean Subway Gropers' Alliance of grasping for attention by releasing a press release for an event like this, which happened on a bus, and which was clearly an outright attack, not a groping: outside the Gropers' spectrum of action.

For more on the issue, please go to The Dokdo Times, The English version of Dokdo's oldest Independent Korean-Language Newspaper.

The Truth About Robot Teachers in Korea

2011-01-03T20:07:00.001+09:00

hat tip to the Waygook Effect

The Twelve Hates of Christmas by Dokdo Is Ours

2010-12-18T14:56:00.008+09:00

Sing together with Dokdo Is Ours!

On the first day of Christmas I hated viciously...
those assholes across the east sea.

On the second day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the third day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the fourth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the fifth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
interracial dating!
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the sixth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the seventh day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the eighth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
eight lanes of traffic
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the ninth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
nine ramen puke spots
eight lanes of traffic
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the tenth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
ten girly boy-bands
nine ramen puke spots
eight lanes of traffic
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four hogwan moms
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
eleven sidewalk spitters
ten girly boy-bands
nine ramen puke spots
eight lanes of traffic
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four hogwan moms
three dirty chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
twelve hour workdays
eleven sidewalk spitters
ten girly boy-bands
nine ramen puke spots
eight lanes of traffic
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four hogwan moms
three dirty chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

...and Apolo Ohno.

Our International Festival is Welcome Korean Speaker from All Country!

2010-10-28T13:00:00.000+09:00

This short note only, ok? OKbuddy!

Our international pood pestival in the Busan is come. Do you know the Busan? It's a Korea. City in south. Also hub of south cities in Korea and mecca of Haeundae Bitch.

We're have international food pestibal Nobember 11-13 and tell you about, here's the website. http://bife.co.kr/main/index.asp#. Please come to the our pestibal.

Maybe you notice: English button is not click for English page to international pood pestibal. But that's because our pestibal is Korea language pestibal. Maybe you heard Hallyu. Do you know the hallyu? Thanks to the Hallyu now eberybody is speak the Korea talk, so international pestibal is Korea talk only now. We're welcome Korean speaker from every country to the our pestibal. For example, Chinese Koreans, Japanese Koreans, North Korean refugees, Korean Americans (only if speak the Korea speak though), European Koreans, Korean adoptees, Half-Koreans, and especially Hines Ward.

Also, we're welcome food demonstration from international ethnic of Koreans live away from Korea, and some food demonstration from Koreans who have travel to the overseas:

for example:

China: Jajangmyeon. That's all. Other thing is too greasy. Kimchi with maggot
Egypt: Turkish kebap, pork stirfry with long grain rice
England: Hamburger, french fry, hot dog
USA: Pizza with special american topping like Yams (it's how called goguma in the America!)
Canada: Hamburger, french fry, hot dog
Japan: Donkaseu and kimbap and udon, kimuchi with bad funny not kimchi STOP STEAL OUR CULTURE flavor
Italy: spaghetti with sweet pickle and kimchi
Germany: Turkish kebap and barbeque ribs
Australia: Hamburger, french fry, hot dog
France: sweet garlic bread, microwave hot dog with dry ketchup on, cream fill bread (Paris Baguette is run the Prance table: it's real Paris eat!) and kimchi
New York: Jew food like bagle. And kimchi
Aprica: haha! Just kidding. Everybody know Aprica is hungry country and no food. But if we find brack people, we bring them to the Aprica table. Maybe give they some food.
Aprica: Hamburger, french fry, hot dog.
North Korea: UN Food Aid Rations. Kimchi.

Korea speaker from every country can enjoy globalized hub of world mecca food in the Busan.
See you there! (If you are can read the map for find it. That's Korean too)

I am Want Explain the Visa is Prostitute but English teacher HIV still.

2010-10-27T18:00:00.000+09:00

Hellow.

It is a time explain some thing that foreigner misunderstanding about the Korea.

You see, these day, E2 visa teacher is HIV test now, but E6 and E9 migrant worker visa is not.

But after I'm logic, you understand my reason, and you will agree the HIV test.

For example. But before see my reason, I'm give you example the beautiful Han virtuous culture we are try protect, so that you're see why so important for make these rule.

OK.

Now to begin, every mother know that foreigner English teacher training include the blood throw lesson.

What is the blood throw lesson? Of course you know it's well known with Korean mother that every foreign English teacher have secret "Blood day" when they are take their blood - some clean and some dirty blood - and as joke they are throw it onto student!

Don't pretend you arent' knew that. It's a true! It happen in my sister's neighbor school three times because they aren't deport the bad teachers fastly enough.

Second reason: is

E6 enterntainer is many south asian and russian people visa. But my explain is this: you know russian people is dirty country and so forth. Also south asia or aprica people is darker the skin.

Because darker the skin and russian face, good, pure Korea people virtuous woman is never sex to them: they are know it's bad, because teach ethics in Korean school, with special unit about the negroe and south-asia pykmy. Maybe dirty girl is sex to them, but not virtuous han girl with scary aprica or smelly india or noisy china people! Therefore, we aren't care to HIV into dirty girls. And if HIV is dirty men who are have prostitute, they can die and Korea is cleaner, mans who cheat the wife will die and woman is free the asshole, so want also.

But blue eye voodoo is English teacher foreigners English spell. Even a virtuous han girl in good family is sometimes seduce! It's the UNACCEPTABLE!

Therefore English teacher is still HIV in visa. That way, you can sex the virtuous han good family but not caught by give AIDS, so she pretend still virgin.

She happy. You happy. She parents happy. (Just don't try marry the her) EVERYBODY happy.

Please understand our situation.

Thank you for my chance explain a logically to you. Now I'm sure understand!

Have a nice day.

Announcement: Korea To Avoid Responsibility for Korea/South Asian Mix Children until One Wins Superbowl

2010-10-20T22:41:00.000+09:00

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2010/10/117_74914.html

As the number of half-Korean children, born to Korean and South-Asian parents, increases, a recent report shows that many do not receive adequate care when their mothers return to south-asia after divorces with their Korean fathers.

However, both as a nation, and individually, Korea, and Korean fathers, have declared they will shirk responsibility for these children as much as possible, until one of them wins a superbowl, and brings glory to Korea.

"We saw how the Hines Ward story was so heartwarming: the reconciliation theme as the Superbowl MVP's home country finally opened its arms to welcome him home. Really, we're hoping for something similar to happen in South Asia."

After being born in Korea, Hines Ward, the son of a Korean mother and an African-American soldier, was taken to America by his mother, in hopes of a better life. The stigma against mixed babies, and particularly against mixed babies that were half Korean and half...the darker races, proved too much for Ward's mother to raise him in Korea. Ultimately, Hines Ward became an NFL Football player, and won the Superbowl MVP with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Korean minister of Culture, Sports, Tourism and Funny Hats, Jung Han-won, explained the situation. "You know, if we start trying to find ways to provide for all those babies, or hold Korean fathers legally responsible for their mixed kids, they will be hobbled financially, and unable to produce and raise real Korean babies. That would just be a shame. Unacceptable, really. So Korea will try to avoid taking any responsibility for these babies, for the sake of the birthrate."

Asked how failing to support mothers of Korean children would help make women feel empowered to have more babies, Min. Jung suddenly remembered another appointment, and excused himself from the interview.

A travel agent specializing in trips to the Philippines, Kim Hye-soon, dislikes this decision, and wishes that Korean support for the mothers of half-Korean babies extended not just to the divorced mothers returning to South-Asia, but also to the mothers of illegitimate half-Korean "Kofino" babies fathered by Korean men on sex vacations to the Philippines. "It's getting harder to find brothels, hostels, and human traffickers who will work with me, when they know Korean men refuse to use condoms on their sex vacations, and once impregnating a woman, run back to Korea, where there is no legal recourse to extract child support payments for their children," she explains. "Often it's because they're married, but if they're married, isn't that all the more reason to use a goddamn condom, and not bring home a nasty surprise for the wife?"

Kwak Seon-yu, the male tour guide who led many of these Philippine expeditions, disagrees. "These men are full of confucian virtue: it is the height of discretion to leave the country completely if one wants to cheat on one's wife, and an admirable sign of confucian modesty and restraint that he does not want to boast of his virility, by taking responsibility for the babies he has fathered. These are true sons of Tangun!"

Gia Agbayani, mother of a healthy Kofino boy, has taken her destiny into her own hands. "After reading the Hines Ward story, I've gathered a soccer team's worth of these half-Korean boys, and I'm training them to play," she explains. "If they can start winning when they get older, and especially if they can perform in the World Cup, or get contracts in the EPL or another top European league, maybe we can see a heart-warming story like Hines Ward's here in the Philippines, and those Korean baby-daddys will finally be unable to hide their dalliances."

Dokdo Is Ours, reporting.

Korea Under 17 Soccer to Start K-Pop Band

2010-10-07T17:11:00.001+09:00

After winning the Women's Under-17 World Cup of Soccer last month, Korea's Under-17 Women's Soccer Team has revealed larger ambitions.

"Well," explains team star Yeo Min-ji, the tournament's leading scorer, "Coming from a country where women are often considered second-class citizens, it always burned us the way Korean Men's soccer got all the attention during the world cup, but not a single member of the women's team got a cosmetics endorsement, or even an awkward beer commercial."

"So we've decided to do what all Korean teenage girls want to do, if they want to become more famous: we're going to become pop stars."

SM Entertainment confirmed the report, saying that the entire twenty-three woman roster had signed identical twelve-year slave contracts, and that training in dance moves and sexy contortions would begin in November.

"Usually we have to train those lazy girls, whose only self-discipline comes from dancing into their webcams," explained Jung, SM Entertainment's main talent scout. "These girls come to us already in the peak of physical condition, which gives us high hopes, as long as we can get them to move in unison."

Stylist Kang Young-ju, SM Entertainment's fashion consultant, has done initial beauty consultations with each of the girls, "They came in pretty confident, having just won the under-seventeen world cup; I had to spend a lot of time shaming them for their big faces, lacks of v-lines and s-lines and x-lines, for their over-muscular legs and energetic demeanors, before they really realized how far they had to come before they could accomplish anything in the world: what man would find a vivacious, strong and fit woman attractive? But don't worry. By the time I'm done, they'll know how to demur, lower their eyes, play aegyo, and act like passive kittens."

PR Coach Han Sohn-gyu also encouraged the victorious players to be more careful about how they spoke to the press.

"Stop talking about all this soccer stuff: the last thing a man wants to hear about is a woman telling him she's really good at kicking balls," he explained, shuddering, "from now on, I want them to use adjectives like 'silly' and 'dumb old me' to talk about themselves, not 'ass-kicking,' 'conquering,' or 'world-class'."

Everyone at SM entertainment is excited about the prospect of a 23-member K-pop band. "There's just so, so, so many! If one of them isn't a good dancer, we can just put her in the back row, but 23 young girls doing dance moves in skirts: we'll have our audiences hypnotized, even if they don't have any talent! And from what I've seen in their first dance trials, they might not."

"We'll have them ready to be pop-stars in no time. Then, their mothers will truly be proud."

And if they fail at K-pop stardom?

"Well, there are always two other ways to success in Korea: passing the bar exam, or marrying a doctor," explained Yeo Min-Ji's mother, who refused to comment on her daughter's habit of playing sports.

Korean Macarena the 꼭지점 Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu is World Virus Video! Hallyu! Korea Korea Korea!

2010-09-20T13:53:00.005+09:00

Hello! You think I'm forget to you, don't it, reader? But I'm can't forget! It's too much my love Korea, and want your love also. So today. Oh! So proud!

Let me explain. Do you know Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu? I tell you. It's a Korea dance crazy for example like tell me dance! In fact, it's Korean Macarena! Except nobody heard about. Except Korea people world cup danseu people is know. And we make the dance for promote Korea culture the world by create world craze through South Aprica World Cup so everybody know Korea.

Also Kroea invent Vuvuzela.

Here is Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu. (from source is here)

I'm want your watchi very carepully. Famous 2006 World Cup Dance! World Craze!

Because now it's little girl: she is love Korea piety. Her have watchi Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu many time, and then make her dance virus!

If look the video, you can see two thing: One: the girl dance like virus am spread, just as Korea wave spread and everybody can't resist love the Korea culture like Gok-Ji-Jeom when they are see.

Two: The girl love for the Korea one blood people is purely like her purely smile and touching: certainly she am good daughter and filial duty also patriotic piously to Korea! Her big smile show: I'm think she have kimchi in her teeth too.

Now watch it's danseu exact same the Gok-Ji-Jeom. EXACT! It have arm and leg move, like Gok-Ji-Jeom. It have people move same time like Gok-Ji-Jeom. It have big corporate sponsor (it's a world brand Samsung!11!!) like Gok-Ji-Jeom! Watch her pure love to the Korea spread like virus to every town people!

Maybe you say "This dance are totally different." or maybe you say "Only it's Korea media call Gok-Ji-Jeom" or maybe you say "Other country people don't know Gok-Ji-Jeom and don't know it's Korea Dance and don't care if Korea dance or just little girl cute dance." or maybe you say "Jesus Christ, Korea, just fucking get over yourselves already" and maybe you am have point... but here my answer, completely disprove your question:

Why are you hate the korea? You go home monkey white hater people! I'm hate your criticize! So hate! Your foreigner stay away Korea people korea lady no touchi you stupid big nose exploitation to the Korea culture! I'm insult you on the bus if I'm see! I'm hate hollywood! I'm hate Marilyn Monroe and her beautiful round breasts and hate your go home leave us alone! and die yankee scum fuckbag! but please spending tourism money and tell friend "Hey! Come to Korea! It's great!" first before eat shit and die.

Here am another Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu for compare: its' exact! Like Dokdo Map accurate and glory to Korea!

SEE? Exactly the same as little girl who love the Korea. If you're disagree my friends crash to your server, put your personal informations on Naver so everybody see and join hate you like Jim Hewish.

(source: Herald. Sometimes you get it, too.)

More Gok-Ji-Jeom: so great! (see the more: all exactly same like dance virus and same as little girl dance! Really!)

Best of DIO: Wayback - Late 2009

2010-09-17T17:31:00.000+09:00

Here are some of DIO's favorite posts from 2009.

2009 was a good year for DIO; enjoy the retrospective

Proposed Replacement Slogans for Korea Sparkling
I am Sitting in Front of a Mirror as I Write This, and the Mirror is Shaped like a Map of Korea, and on that mirror, I have Written "Yang Yong-eun"
Samsung introduces new Phone: Glory Hole
Korea to Introduce new English Test
Cancelling the Kimchi Festival Due to Swine Flu Is Not an Admission That Kimchi Doesn't... You Know.
Yuna Kim's Mother Tops Korean Ranking of Mothers' Bragging Rights
Transcript of Lee Myung-bak's Lunch with Barack Obama
After Getting Drivers' License on 950th Try, Jeonju Woman to Choose Korea Tourism's New Slogan
Everything was invented Korea! Don't you Know?
New Multicultural Korea Welcomes Everyone: Even Darkies!
Setting The Record Straight: We're The Korea Times, and we DEMAND to be Taken Seriously
Shopkeeper's Mind Blown upon Discovering There are Four Christmas Songs
Prioritized List: How To Help Foreigners Adjust to Korea

Seoul's 2022 World Cup Bid Includes Conquest Plans for North Korea

2010-09-16T16:28:00.000+09:00

After reading the article, "Korea to Share Games with North if Chosen to Host 2022 World Cup," Dokdo Is Ours tracked down Park Yu-tu, to discover further details about such a boggling proposition. Here is the interview as it transpired.

DIO: So, Mr. Park, you're in charge of South Korea's World Cup 2022 bid?

Park: That's correct. I mange the slush funds, the callgirls, the promotional materials, and I lead the 'outlandish promises' team.

DIO: And how many people are on the outlandish promises team?

Park: About forty-million. Some of them are working on finding ways to control Korea's soccer players by remote access, through computer chips in their heads, so that our Starcraft champions can control our players the way they control their armies in Starcraft. We'd be invincible!

DIO: So, tell me more about this plan to include games in North Korean sites in the 2022 World Cup.

Park: Well, because we're not totally sure about North Korea's leadership over the next decade, we of course have several contingencies, all of which were presented to the FIFA inspectors during our pitch last week.

DIO: And what are some of those contingencies?

Park: After talking with North Korea, they're happy to participate in the World Cup if it means more famous people will be photographed visiting North Korea, in order for their journalists to make up regime-friendly quotes for them. Also, because the host team automatically qualifies for the World Cup, the North is very interested in providing housing and food for the opposing teams, and they seemed particularly excited about providing breakfast for opposing team players on game days. I can't imagine why. They say they are designing special hotel suites for players from other countries, so they'll be especially prepared to play the home team.

DIO: Were there any qualifiers attached to this cooperation?

Park: Well, if FIFA insists on inspecting these hotel rooms before the game days, the North will withdraw its cooperation. Unless the FIFA inspectors are the same people as the nuclear inspection team that investigated North Korea's WMD development programs from 1999-2004.

DIO: And what if North Korea DOES fail to cooperate?

Park: That's contingency number one, of course. As you can see on these diagrams, extensive plans for the conquest of North Korea were also presented to the FIFA team: we're confident that if we attack in 2018, we can defeat North Korea and have soccer stadiums finished by 2021 - well ahead of time. The unification of the Korean peninsula would be a great backstory to the games, too: "World Cup of Unification!" So heartwarming! Imagine! Hey! Maybe that could be the theme song! John Lennon's 'Imagine.' A defeated North Korea would make an ideal host, really: the broken will of the people will make the people very pliant service-workers in the hotels and restaurants. Plus, we'll be making them work for no pay - victor's rights and all - so the World Cup will be guaranteed to come in under budget.

DIO: Very interesting. So what other outlandish promises were made during the bid?

Park: Oh, the usual: legions of creamy-thighed virgins, economic prosperity, safe return of their missing sons, a special off-center balanced ball that will lead to scads of goals, and of course, free Samsung phones for everyone!

DIO: So you're saying that South Korea will go to war to host the World Cup again?

Park: You say that as if there's something wrong with that. I haven't mentioned contingency two yet, have I?

DIO: And that would be?

Park: The conquest of whichever country IS awarded the 2022 World Cup - that contingency was presented to the FIFA Inspectors as well, and they are well aware that we have all their home addresses.

DIO: Don't you think the threat of violence is a bit extreme?

Park: Hey man! Why are you hate the Korea? You should learn more the Korea, or Yankee Go Home! I'm think you don't anything the Korea. Just chase Korean girl, disrespect Korea culture! Why you hate the Korea so much? Oh MY GAT! I so ANGRY!!

Unfortunately, the interview was ended at that point, when Park Yu-tu attempted to have Dokdo Is Ours stand on a trap door and drop him into a shark tank.

Civil Service Exam to be Scrapped for Sake of Restoring Proper Gender Proportions

2010-09-11T12:04:00.001+09:00

original article

For literally centuries, Korea's best and brightest young men gathered in the capital for the civil service exam: one of the hardest, and most prestigious exams in the country. According to education scholars, those who succeeded were awarded with high positions of government service, leading to intense competition to be among those brilliant young men who entered the King's courts on scholarly talent alone.

Yet recently, the austere position of government service has been sullied, more and more so in recent years, and many top policy makers are upset. "It used to be that passing this exam meant something," complains Ryu Gwang-jo, "I remember being alerted that I'd passed back in 1972, and looking forward to working with Korea's most capable male minds over a long career of soju rounds, hands on my male colleagues' thighs in jimjilbangs, and ass-gropings of waitresses at the hoeshik. No prospect could have made me more excited!"

Unfortunately for Ryu and others like him, in recent years, female applicants have been equaling, and even surpassing men's performance on the civil service exam. "It seems like every entry level worker in our office these days is a female -- I don't even know what to do with them! I can only drink so much coffee in a day, and eat so many sammiches - after I'm full, I don't know how to give all these females orders." Ryu holds up his left hand. It shakes noticeably. "That's from all the caffeine!"

Ryu was not the only official to notice the disturbing trend: the board responsible for civil service human resources sought a way to restore the proper gender ratio for a prestigious job like civil service. "We've decided to move to a system of open recruiting - interviews and applications and the like - similar to the way chaebols like Samsung and LG keep their workforces overwhelmingly male" recruiting has an added bonus. "By hiring pretty but untalented women, and finding excuses to pass over talented, bright, or highly educated and ambitious women like the ones who have been entering the civil service, we will more easily justify the fact none of the females in our system are being promoted above middle-management. I'm looking forward to my own pretty, leggy, but useless secretary. At least she won't know where to make a formal complaint if I proposition her, like my last secretary."

Others point out other benefits of the new hiring policy: "We'll be able to hire more male law graduates, and all those talented females wasting years studying for the civil service exam will now be encouraged to get secretarial work, wait tables, scoop ice cream, or make babies. I anticipate a future where many more males will feel proud of their contributions to society," explains Park Jo-moon, one of the architects of the new hiring policy.

Mr. Park sits back, pleased with himself. "This also comes in good time, because if any more women passed the exam, we'd have to redesign our government office buildings, which only have men's bathrooms on most floors."

And what will the smart, well-educated, ambitious women who have been preparing for the exam do? "Let them take the bar exam," suggests Park, "while it lasts." Sang Gyeong-mo, president of the Korean Bar Association, is already planning for such an event. "We're already looking at adding new requirements to the Bar, in order to be sure Korean lawyers' ranks remain overwhelmingly male. You may know that females are gaining fast on men in passing the bar as well: whether passing an interview or a law school course will be prerequisite to taking the bar exam - which would put the requirement of filtering out uppity females on universities' law school admissions officers - or whether the final portion of the bar exam will be writing a word with urine in the snow, believe me, we'll find a way."

No women were interviewed for their opinions on this new change. Why would they be? Dokdo Is Ours doesn't want to waste his time listening to a bunch of talk about pink things and babies.

Korea Times: You're Shitting Me, Right?

2010-09-03T14:20:00.001+09:00

screenshot.
Yeah, it's like shooting fish in a barrel, but come on, KT. At least fucking TRY!

Source. Some of the best parts (before they go back and fix it) from the text:

It has been claimed that drug felon Paris Hilton, 29, used her body as a hiding place for her drug.

A longtime friend of Hilton said Tuesday on ianundercover.com that Paris....has since avoided police arrest by hiding drugs in a lubricated condom in her vagina.
...
an interview from an anonymous source, published on a blog, saying bad things about Paris...

“Paris has used all kinds of drugs for years,” said the blog a day before. “She needs rehab more than anyone in Hollywood, including Lindsay Lohan. I went to high school with her and even there she was totally out of control.”

and, surprise, surprise, the e-mail address at the bottom of the page (kwh8121@gmail.com) is the exact same as the one about Jennifer Anison's secret threesome genitalia from earlier this week. When called for an interview, KT's copy editor had no further comment.

Also: breaking news:

It's great to be the Boss's nephew! (from the same guy)

Readers, that'll be the last time I pick on the KT for a while. There are some Chosun Ilbo photographers ripe for a lampooning, and while I'm sure KT will continue to provide me with fish in the barrel, it gets boring.

Plus, my eyes hurt, and I think my I.Q. just dropped.

Best of DIO: Wayback - Early 2009

2010-09-01T17:36:00.000+09:00

I am sitting in front of a mirror as I write this... Hanshik!!!!!
Mad Cow Disease has been causing memory loss in Korean Homemakers
SuperJunior Plagiarizing again... wait a minute... what?
New North Korean Restaurant as Authentic as it Gets
First Year Teachers: "Korea is Different Than Back Home"

Meet the Korea Times' Copy Editor: "It's Hard Typing in Perfect English with One Hand"

2010-08-30T14:12:00.005+09:00

From the Korea Times Handbook of Style and Journalism Ethics

Dokdo Is Ours recently had the opportunity to talk to the copy editor of The Korea Times. The interview transcript follows:

DIO: So, your job is copy editing for the Korea Times: that means you check for English errors in the article?

Korea Times Copy Editor: Boobs. Blondes. Boobs. Blondes.

DIO: Lately, it seems like there have been numerous English errors in the Korea times: especially in articles about western celebrities. Do you have anything to say about that?

KTCE: Boobs. Blondes. Boobs. Blondes.

DIO: So did you read this article as carefully as you normally read articles, checking for mistakes?

KTCE: Boobies. Boobies. Lesbian. Boobies. Lesbian. BLONDE LESBIAN! Jessica Alba!

DIO: Did you notice there was an article attached to this picture of Jennifer Aniston?

KTCE: ANNNNISSSSSTOOOOOONNNNNN! Boobieboobieboobieboobie.

DIO: No, no. The ARTICLE!

KTCE: What article?

DIO: Is the Korean translation of the article grammatically correct?

KTCE: Yuh yuh. yuh.

DIO: Don't you feel bad for the Koreans who read these articles to try and learn English, and are presented with so many English errors that the article's English translation isn't only useless, it's actually HARMFUL to their English study?

KTCE: Boobies.

DIO: You're a terrible reporter! You can't even write in fucking English!

KTCE: Hey back off, man. It's hard typing with one hand; you want me to do it in perfect English, too?

Rule 72 in the Korea Times Handbook of Journalism Ethics and Style Rules:

If it's about naked hollywood stars, google translate will do. 'cause nobody's reading the articles except Dokdo Is Ours.
(article here)

The rest of the article was about the KTCE's hobby, drumming. In it, you finally get to see Dokdo Is Ours' face, after many years of anonymity:

Update:

to stop the bleeding, and the humiliation, Korea Times has shortened and edited the article in question: compare this screencap with the previous one. Maybe the KT should pay DIO for his/her editing services, if they plan to continue use this blog as a content quality control indicator.

A Totally Objective Analysis of Kim Yuna's Split with Brian Orser 김연아 아이구!

2010-08-27T09:08:00.003+09:00

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/sports/2010/08/136_72057.html

Oh my gat! I are so much upsets! Kim Yuna beautiful Korea people skating hero have the break up to Blian Oseo. Until the four years their partner team is study the skate bery hard and many chapionship! Also she is sing very pretty.

Now my got is job journalist, after two year Kim Yuna fan club, and follow Kim Yuna to tournament places for see him skate, and I am the Korea Times writing about a Kim Yuna. Sometimes my article are reject, for example "Kim Yuna wear pretty shirt today" and "Kim Yuna the Mother good and Happy Is Win Fighting!" and "Yuna Yuna Yuna Yuna Egg & Yuna" and "Here is Words I wrote To Chames Bont Thema Yuna Is Skate At" but my editor is say isn't news.

But my is shacked that Blian Oseo have break the Kim Yuna. Before I am think the Blian Oseo are great Canada people teacher and kind even though gay. But now I am see she real chalacter. Some people say Yuna also shouln't the twitter her ugly breakup detail, but it's dirty lie! Yuna are the twenty years so he make mistake sometime, but Oseo is adult guy so him responsible her tell the breakup embarrass story on he wtwitter.

Yuna so innocent. My love are pure. Here am favorite my picture to her. I'm feel like funny.

AIGO! Him is betray the Kim Yuna! Them is not write contract for example exploit people, and then him said lie, and another and another lie, so that the Yuna group music secret out and pretty Yuna embarrass. Why him tell the lie people not fair for him? Him is same the Canada people English teacher complain, want communication not lied to why they don't understand she situation? First I'm thought Canada people are good guy and kind but him bet guy. Also gay. Korea people him is strangi. And hate. Him not the Guus Hiddinkeu! I bery disappoint and angry. I hope him skate is breatk. First I thought Jim Hewish is hate most, or Apolo Ohno, but now hate Oseo is more.

If her pressure or sad too much, then maybe retire, then it's Oseo's fault! HATE! Bepore Canada was my good best country because Oseo, but not it's my hate country. I change my children class to England people English teacher class because Jim Hewish Australia, Blian Oseo Canada and Apolo Ohno America people: everybody is hate!

Except if Yuna is retire maybe she make more aircon commercial with tight pants. Then happy.

pictures are find the here: many storehouse of pretty and innocent pictures of the pure at chosun!

Best of Dokdo is Ours: Wayback

2010-08-22T17:36:00.000+09:00

Dokdo Is Ours found many of its readers in the later months of its existence; here are some of DIO's favorite early posts.

2008:
The Blame Japan Project
How to Make Kimchi with Han
Education Minister's Evening Dinner Plan will Increase Demand for Hagwons
The Fifth Distinct Season
Mayor Walks past Seoul Handwashing Day, Ignoring It
Foreigner Orgasms Upon Tasting Kimchi
Korea's Amsterdam
Micahel Phelps is Korean
Korean School to Implement Foreigner's Suggestion

Sing, o muses!

2010-08-04T20:36:00.002+09:00

Due to various factors, your intrepid reporter Dokdo Is Ours is not finding the kinds of inspiration he/she used to.

Or maybe I just got a job with the Korean Tourism Organization, and I get to be paid to write like this.

Or maybe I've been living back in America for a year already and my backlog of posts finally got published.

Or maybe I'm just bummed that Korean Rum Diary vanished completely.

Or maybe it's time to make space for another Korea comedy blog.

Or maybe I just had my fifteenth birthday and I'm finally allowed to date, so I have other things on my... mind.

Or maybe it's just friggin' hot, and I'll get inspired again in October, when it's cooler.

Anyway, your intrepid reporter will continue reporting on all things Korea... but probably not as often as before.

Thank you, my loyal readers (all 94 of you). You've made it a lot of fun so far.

And if you have an article you wrote that would fit on DIO, e-mail it to me, and I'll totally run it. Yes, Jon Huer, I'm talking to you.

DIO

Kim Tae Hee Enters Korean Pantheon: Perfectly Proportioned Face Makes Her Korea's Shania Twain

2010-07-26T11:09:00.000+09:00

At long last, Kim Tae-hee is ready to join the ranks of Korea's truly elite stars. While she has made her mark in TV and commercial entertainment, and particularly in modeling, she could never before claim a to be one of Korea's elite.

It is well known that Moon Geun-yeong is "Korea's little sister" and likeable popstar Kim Geon-mo is "Korea's singer". Meanwhile, Jung Ji-hoon or Rain is Korea's Justin Timberlake, Han Ga-in is Korea's Olivia Hussey, Um Jung-hwa is Korea's Madonna, Lee Jun-ki is Korea's Sandra Bullock, and Bae Yong-joon is Korea's Julia Roberts. However, with the recent release of a study into the proportions of stars' faces, it has been revealed that Shania Twain's face follows the golden ratio, the ideal proportions for beauty. Kim, also known for having a face with ideal proportions, describes the moment she heard the news.

"I was sitting in a noraebang being propositioned by another rich old creep for sponsorship when I got the text messsage. I jumped off his lap so quickly my elbow nearly broke his nose, and I ran out of the sketchy singing room to call my mother." Her mother was crying with joy. "At last, you can be validated for your unique place in Korea's star constellation, by being known as Korea's version of someone more famous!" her mother gushed. "From now on, you will be known as Korea's Shania Twain!" With this new status, Kim Tae-hee will no longer allow herself to be propositioned for 'sponsorship' by rich creeps in sketchy noraebangs: henceforward, she will be propositioned for 'sponsorship' by chaebol creeps in luxurious noraebangs!

Now that the archetype of which she is a derivative has been found, Kim Tae-hee can have her star on "Korea's Hollywood's Walk of Fame" - a sidewalk with stars carved into it, that is smaller and less impressive than the original Hollywood Walk of Fame. "We always liked Kim Tae Hee," said Chung Won-jae, curator of the unimpressive alley in Yeongdeungpo, near Korea's Times Square, "but without a better version of her from another country, we couldn't put her on the walk, with her picture being overshadowed by a larger, better picture of another star: Shania Twain, in this case."

Kim Tae hee's face (picture) to be overshadowed by a larger, better picture of Shania Twain

The induction ceremony is expected to be soon. "We might have it on Korea's Thanksgiving, or maybe on Korea's Independence Day, or on Korea's New Year's, or possibly the birthday of Korea's Sir Walter Raleigh - Admiral Lee Sunshin."

To Attract more Tourism, Bundang to Change Spelling to Poon-Tang

2010-07-21T11:07:00.000+09:00

Municipal officials in the sattelite city of Bundang, south of Seoul, are catching onto the trend of re-spelling Korean things in order to make them more popular. "We're really convinced that changing the spelling of Bundang will put it on every tourist map in the world," explains Min Sung-hoo, head of the Gyeonggi Municipal Promotions Committee. "Changing the spelling to Poon-Tang makes the city's name more fun to pronounce: listen - poon tang! Poon Tang! POON-TANG!'" Min's shouting startled others eating in the cafe where Dokdo Is Ours was interviewing him.

Min also described the rigorous process of testing out the new name. "The new name rated especially high with male interviewees: we surveyed about a hundred foreigners in and around Itaewon, and asked 'What do you think of Bundang?'" Responses varied from "boring and over-priced" to "never heard of it," and "too new: no atmosphere. Good shopping, though." When asked, "What do you think of poon-tang?" the response was like night and day. Female responses were somewhat more positive: "Not really my thing, but some people like it." or "A lot of guys I know don't care about anything else!" or "You followed me down the block to ask me THAT?" but the male interviewees were incredibly positive: "I love it!" "It's all I think about!" "It's why I came to Korea!" "I want it as often as I can have it!" "I can't get enough." "It's the main motivation for almost everything I do." This indicates that the name Poon-Tang is a much better, more positive name than Bundang; we expect a huge increase in male tourists after the name change: I've heard before that every male English teacher comes to Korea looking for Poon-Tang".

Other agencies are also considering other spelling changes that are expected to improve foreigners' awareness or positive image, including:

Bibimbap: Pee Pee Poop
Soju: Sew Jew
To attract young tourists: Jeju-do will be Jeju d'oh!
Gunja district will be re-named "Ganja"
and Weidae University will be re-named "Weed, Eh?" both of which appealed strongly to Canadians.

UN Secretary of Sustainability Praises Korea's World Leading Fight Against Overpopulation

2010-07-15T10:54:00.000+09:00

While countries like India and France continuing multiplying like earth-raping rabbits, Jans Feyrn, the UN's Head Undersecretary of Sustainability praised Korea's commitment to population control. "Korea's birthrate is one of the lowest in the world; while other countries' populations are ballooning and raising worries that the planet's finite resources cannot sustain them, Korea's work in the area of birthrate reduction has been seminal, and is a model for other countries to emulate."

Overpopulation is an awkward area of study, and a controversial one: most other cases of excellent population control have come along with either destructive wars ("Korea had one of those, too," notes Jans Fejrn, excitedly), totalitarian regimes (Last year, Kim Jong Il and his oppressive regime won the Rousseau Award, joining past recipients like Josef Stalin and Chairman Mao, for biggest proportional population decreases in a single year), or fierce resistance from religious groups- "Our agency once drew up a plan to have abortion clinics attached to Dunkin Donuts shops in the US, only to have it smothered by Church resistance." However, Korea's population control has followed an entirely new model.

"We commend Korea for developing a multi-pronged approach. Many other landmark population control leaders have focused too much on one area, for example the elimination of actual or perceived political enemies or rivals; others have only managed significant population declines at the cost of infrastructure and government collapses, which leads to packs of roving refugees. These old models are also too often associated with atrocities and horrors, giving population control a bad name."

Instead of following the old models, Korea has attached so much shame on the act of female extramarital sex, and so much financial burden on unmarried child-rearers, that all abortions are voluntary: even going through the motions of toughening legislation against them cannot surmount the inflexible stigma against unwed mothers. Meanwhile, the atmosphere of hypercompetitiveness and cripplingly long hours demanded by the work culture make it unfeasible for women to work and raise children. "It's ingenious!" gushes Fejyrn, "while those pesky women's and human rights groups are appeased by putting the laws in the books, social mores have crystallized and rendered moot all the legislation in the world! Stalin could never have been clever enough to force all the women in his nation to opt out of childbearing for fear of feeling socially obligated to either quit their jobs or be branded as bad mothers."

According to Feyrn, and his agency's June report, "Korean Population Control: A Contrast of Models, North and South: Stalin vs. Socialization," in Korea, even if one chooses to have children, the pressure to send kids to a top school, and the associated pressure to dedicate the entire family budget to private schooling, have created an atmosphere where people truly feel it's their own choice to avoid or delay having children, rather than writing and enforcing punitive laws against having too many children, as has raised controversy in China. "While controlling overpopulation, the goverment uses social mores and conventions, and the perception of obligations, and the fear of being judged by peers, to appear squeaky clean to rights groups, while still reducing the birthrate to world-best levels!"

So how can other countries imitate Korea's model? "It'd take a complex strategy;" A full implementation of the Korean model would require simultaneously sullying the reputations of all but a very narrow range of careers, and a very small number of universities, in order to increase perceived competition and increase the cost of education to prohibitive levels; creating working conditions which make balancing a career and a family impossible, and raising a generation of men who feel entitled to have a wife who will stay home and raise kids while keeping house without any help from them, so that women feel forced to choose single life over the blind alley of marriage... but with careful social planning and manipulation of public perception, all three could probably be accomplished at once.

Now, Feyrn's eyes look off in the distance, dreamily: "When the whole world is like Korea, we will finally be out of danger of over-taxing the world's resources, and environmental meltdown will cease to be a legitimate danger to humanity. We hope the entire rest of the world implements twelve-hour workdays, if every family on Earth felt that their children must become Doctors, Lawyers, or shames to their families, we might be on our way to environmental salvation, and true sustainability!"

After Three Months in Korea, Canadian English Teacher Ready To Run For President

2010-07-10T12:40:00.000+09:00

(picture from here)

After three months, English teacher Brian Gleeman, from Canada, believes he has been in Korea long enough to run for president. "Let me tell you," Brian said, "I've seen how it is, and I've got some ideas that could really turn this country around."

From his priveledged vantage point as a Hagwon after-school teacher for elementary-age students, "AND middle school!" he says, Brian Gleeman believes he knows what the country needs. "well, people just need to relax, and accept other ways of living," Brian said. "For example, people have to accept that some kids aren't going to a top university. I've figured that out. Like Tae-hee, my student in class 2B... Her parents should just sign her up for sports or something."

Brian's Korean co-teachers seem very impressed with Brian. "He's always telling us to tell the mothers to stop focusing on tests and let kids be kids," colleague K, his main co-teacher sighed. "He's doing this technique that he says will change the whole education atmosphere in Korea once it catches on, where he plays games with kids and doesn't give homework, so that learning is 'fun' for them. He sure has a lot of new ideas."

The mother of a student from Brian's highest-level class, Mrs. B, has another take on things: "My Suji is happy, but her score on her last grammar test at school was her lowest ever. I'm just not seeing the results of Brian's 'fun' philosophy."

When asked for a comment, Brian explained that he would tell Mrs. B to stop focusing on results... if he could speak Korean. Last week, Brian submitted his candidacy for Korean president. Though he had no political party affiliation, no Korean language ability, and doesn't meet the citizenship requirememnt, he's confident that the electoral regulators will make an exception for him, once they hear his ideas.

Among his platforms?
Regarding globalizing the economy: "Globalization is the future, you know? If Korea doesn't get involved in globalization, they'll be left behind. I keep telling my co-teachers this."

Regarding the suicide crisis? "We have to show people there's hope, and they'll stop killing themselves. That's why I'll campaign on a platform of hope. Give people something to live for, you know? Also, confucianism."

Regarding internet freedom and economic protectionism? "Well, it's freedom, you know? People should be free - like, I always see people, and they're NOT free, you know? In the PC room, they're like slaves to society. It makes me so sad. But they SHOULD be. Free, I mean."

Other platforms: "I'd just tear down all those office buildings and bring back the traditional-style Korean houses. Those things are beautiful! And I'd support business. For the economy. But shorten the work week. And make people not be so psycho."

Despite his supposed handicaps: language, experience, and party affiliation, Grandmother Kang, who takes care of Brian's student Seon-ju while her parents work late nights, likes his chances. "His eye-smile and small face are so handsome, and I really think his blonde hair is naturally curly! Henseom gai!"

With Blood Types Debunked, Korean Scientist Creates New Personality Test: Which Country's Beef Do You Like

2010-07-04T12:54:00.001+09:00

(picture from here)

Though blood-type personality profiles have been thoroughly debunked, it has left a puzzling gap in Korea's social customs: young single Jang Woon-wook explains, "I was at a blind date, and I asked my date, flirtatiously, 'what's your blood type?' - normally she'd tell me, or make me guess - a sign of interest. Instead, she just muttered, 'That stuff's crap, you know.' I was embarrassed, but what's worse, we had to just sit in awkward silence from 8:27-8:41: the prescribed time for blood-type discussion, according to the latest "Neo-Confucian Handbook For Manners and Everything in Life: How not to be Judged Wanting by Your Aunt"

"To my great relief, she offered to read my palm two minutes earlier than the handbook dictates, grabbing my sweating hand at 8:39, resuming awkward flirtation and possibly saving the date."

Hundreds of potential babies have not been conceived already, thanks to spoiled potential marriages caused by these awkward date moments traceable to Dr. Kim Hyung-soon's peer reviewed article in the latest New England Journal of Medicine, titled, "Blood Types Are Utter Bullshit." In it, Dr. Kim completely dismantles the old belief in blood-typing so prevalent in Korea; however, he had not anticipated the side-effect.

"I didn't realize blood typing had made it into the New Neo-Confucian Handbook's dating chapter, or I would have thought twice about publishing," Dr. Kim explains.

Fortunately, those awkward dating moments might be resolved with an emergency update to the handbook, now that another Korean doctor and dietician has come up with a new profile-type test that can make for an interesting blind-date conversation topic: "Which Country's Beef Do You Like?" An article in Cosmo Korea, pending peer review, outlined the basic premise, that the beef-producing country which makes one's favorite beef determines one's personality. For example:

Australian Beef: adventurous and outgoing. Likes barbecue. Low sexual morals; prone to having deformed children.

Canadian Beef: loves nature; independent. Race traitor, likely to be a neglectful parent. Weak-willed and prone to financial ruin. Possibly communist.

American Beef: hates Korea and self; possible suicide wish. No sexual morals & poor performance in bed. Race traitor and whore to the imperialist aggressor. Fatty.

Indian Beef: likes to break rules; sometimes shocking or challenging style. Inadequate lover. Dirty dirty, smelly race traitor.

Korean Beef: Smart and sensitive, wise and loyal. Dutiful, kind, devoted, good with money and children, and most likely good in the sack. Children tend to go to SNU or Harbard or Yell.

Uruguay Internet Commissioner Urges Team to Lose World Cup Match

2010-06-26T18:09:00.004+09:00

(picture source)

The commissioner of the Uruguay Internet and Communications Commission has urged team Uruguay not to win their upcoming round of 16 match against South Korea.

"While all Uruguay's excited about making it to the round of sixteen, and winning our group in the World Cup final, the harsh reality is, our country's internet infrastructure and web servers are simply not equipped for a victory against South Korea."

While Uruguay, a country of 3.5 million people, is a four-time world cup champion, all those victories came in the early days of the international world cup; this year, all Uruguayans near and far are excited about Uruguay's chances to reclaim former glory. However, the nation's telecommunications infrastructure, while sound under normal circumstances, "is completely unprepared" for the typical South Korean response to a loss in the International Sporting arena.

South Korea, with a population about fifteen times larger than Uruguay, is one of the most connected countries in the world, with a huge number of highly skilled internet users and hackers. The country is known for internet attacks on countries that have done South Korean athletes and teams wrong, and incidents related to Japanese figure skater Miki Ando, Swiss Football in World Cup 2006, as well as the Apolo Ohno and Jim Hewish "scandals" from Olympic short-track speed skating competitions, have Uruguayan communications experts expecting the worst, come a Uruguay victory.

"If our team wins, at least let it be on clean strikes and non-controversial plays, or due to a South Korean meltdown: any shady calls or questionable plays, and we're afraid South Korean DDOS attacks and the like will crash our entire nation's communications network."

Asked to comment on the Uruguayan Internet Commissioner's comments, coach Oscar Tabarez said the recommendation would not change his game plan. "We hope to win; I think every Uruguayan in our nation would happily forgo two weeks of internet usage to see Uruguay make it to the quarterfinal."

A street poll of Uruguayans in the nation's capital, Montevideo, revealed that 60% of Uruguayans agreed with the coach. "I'll just use my land line phone for a while."

When asked whether such a crippling attack would hamper the Uruguayan economy, businessman Orlando Mendelo summed up public sentiment best, "If we make the semifinal or the final, nobody will be using the internet for business anyway: it'll be a two week street party, so nothing will be lost."

Such deflections did not change the opinions of South Korean netizens. Internet user "DOKDOISKOREACOUNTRYFUCKJAPAN" declared his intention to attack the internet infrastructure of whichever team eliminated Korea from contention, regardless, and "ANDOSUXYUNAISQUEEN" described his plans to coordinate those attacks from a PC Room near his house. "It's a PC Room, but we call it the war room." Finally, "KIMCHIROCKSUSBEEFISCRAZYCOW" said, "I intend to watch the soccer game, but really, in my opinion, the main purpose of international sports events are to help me find the next country to hate, anyway. Go Korea!"

This writer, too, can say nothing except he hopes Korea wins, eleventy-million to zero, and of course, he will be cheering in the streets for his favorite country, Korea.

대한민국! CLAP-CLAP... CLAP-CLAP, CLAP!

(simon and martina)

Korean workers opt for benefits over 8 won pay raise.

2010-06-25T15:55:00.002+09:00

From popular gusts

Korean ministop, PC room, and kimbap country employees have responded to the new proposal by employers, increasing minimum wage by 8 won - less than a US penny - per hour, with a request for more rights and benefits, rather than the measly 8 won pay increase.

"Really, more rights and benefits, a little more dignity, will help me more than eight extra won per hour," said Hong Gil-dong, one of the students leading the protest against the pay increase.

"We've made a list of proposed demands; we don't expect to be given ALL of them, but a few would be nice," said Hong. Among the demands for added benefits and extra rights for minimum wage workers include these requests:

1. (for female workers) the right to be propositioned by their male employers no more than five times a week (current maximum is seven)
2. when boss shouts at them until they cry, the right to pull down baseball caps, turn their heads away from customers, so that customers do not have to see their open-faced shame, as is now the regulation
3. increase in break time, from one five minute break per 14 hour shift, to two three minute breaks. Also, either a bathroom break per 14 hour shift, or adult diapers provided by the employer.
4. no longer being required to bow to the ground in apology to the boss's mother-in-law when she shouts and shames them - a deep bow at the waist should suffice
5. that employees may only be struck with an open hand; not a closed fist, and may no longer be called "fucking worthless cum-catcher" but only "worthless cum-catcher" or "fucking worthless"
6. lifting the requirement of starting every sentence while addressing the boss with "My opinion is no more than that of a dog's, but..."
7. the right to treat blisters and cuts gotten in the course of work DURING work hours, instead of having to wait until the shift ends
8. no longer needing to say "thank you" when a drunk throws up on them

"These concessions would improve our working conditions greatly, and we strongly urge our employers to seriously consider adopting at least a few of them."

Dokdo Is Ours is Excited about the World Cup

2010-06-21T17:13:00.001+09:00

Dokdo Is Ours is Excited about the world cup. You should be, too.

And I'd like to share the reasons with you.

By the way, I saw some of these while researching the world cup... anyone care to explain the meaning of this round object?

(sources: one, two, three, FOUR, five, six, seven)

Korean Students Abandon Studies, Failing Classes to Be Like Kim Yuna

2010-06-19T11:21:00.000+09:00

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2010/06/117_67887.html

Since word spread that sports hero and national icon Kim Yuna failed two of her courses at Korea University, the internet and newspapers have been abuzz.

Some were supportive: "She works so hard to be a skating champion: we need to understand her situation. She's had a hard life," said Seung Chul-mo, generously offering a justification that is usually only reserved for old men.

Others were critical, "Her school performance is an embarrassment to Korea: after Barack Obama praised Korea's education system, such news seems to contradict other positive reports about Korean education."

Many blamed her mother: "Why doesn't she make her stay up late to study?"

And others were pragmatic: "She should return to school after her skating career is over; what the hell is a world class athlete doing in school, when she should be focusing on her sport?"

Meanwhile, thousands of young Koreans, who idolize Yuna as their conquering hero, haven't been able to skip their classes fast enough.

"I always wanted to be like Yuna," says Yumi, eleven, "I thought that meant slaving for long hours practicing jumps and turns to skate like her... but it turns out all I have to do is avoid my schoolwork!" Yumi has not attended class since she heard. She tells people she is training in toronto. Jang-soo, a young male student in Cheonan, has also been skipping his classes. "For me, it's not so much trying to BE like her, as showing devotion. Maybe she won't feel so bad, and maybe she'll finally answer the 174 fan-letters I've written her, if she sees that I'll even throw away my future prospects for her."

Parents across the nation are concerned that their students are doing poorly in class, on purpose, but Education Officials have a different view again. "For one," explains Ulsan's education director, Mr. Ha, "this makes it easier for us to administer the educational districts: so much intentional absenteeism makes overcrowded classroom and teacher shortages less of a problem. For another thing, if the undermining of a generation's education prospects is the price of having a Korean at the top of the podium, claiming "World best" status, I think most Koreans would pay that price happily." Mr. Ha is trying to coordinate a "World Cup Support" absentee program, where students also skip class to help South Korea's team to success in the FIFA World Cup.

For parents worried about their children's suddenly nonexistent studies, Mr. Ha had some practical advice. "Just get online and watch Yuna's short skate from the Olympics again. Or if you feel really bad, maybe watch the long program and the medal ceremony. By the closing bars of Korea's national anthem, you'll see why it was worth it."

The Big Rock Candy Hagwon

2010-06-14T23:20:00.001+09:00

To the tune of "The Big Rock Candy Mountain," by Harry McClintock

The Big Rock Candy Hogwan

One evening as the sun went down and the hogwan kids were squawking,
At the Wa Bar I sipped mekju, and a waygook started talking:

"I'm heading to a school not far away, apply if you know someone;
So come on board and let's work for, the big rock candy hagwon.

"At the big rock candy hagwon, the mothers never call
they like when you play hang man, and the kids walk in the hall

"the boss knows about teaching, but he won't get in your way
he trusts you to do what you know how to do, the mothers bring gifts and appreciate you,
at the big rock candy hagwon.

"At the big rock candy hagwon, the office dinner's fun,
the big boss never gets too drunk,
backs off when folks are done

"the schedule's made months in advance and his English has no flaw
you don't have to grade, sick days are paid, nobody's ever done a midnight run
at the big rock candy hagwon.

"At the big rock candy hagwon, twelve hours a week's the max,
the school pays for a penthouse suite and it never deducts tax
the first years make three mill a month for any old degree
the students' hot aunts want in your pants, the lessons plans are all songs and chants,
at the big rock candy hogwan.

"I'll work my best where there ain't no tests, where an hour of class earns an hour of rest,

"I'll move right on, they won't know till I'm gone, and I'll never ever meet another crazy mom, three million won and a midnight run, to the big rock candy hagwon.

The song is by Harry McClintock. The words above are by Dokdo Is Ours. If anybody wants to set these words to that tune, you have both my permission and my blessing, as long as I'm allowed to put your video or MP3 on my blog.

Impartial and Totally Objective World Cup Preview

2010-06-08T18:02:00.002+09:00

Oh my gat!

It's Korea world cup win year 2010-2012! That's right! Welcome at the Korea world cup South Aprica preview. I'ts my honor for many study the football to predictions with accurate. So after many researches (for example watch FC Seoul game, Pohang Steelers Game, Busan I'Park game, and many many Manchester United Game), I am give the best analysis for World Cup.

Today is tlak about Group B. Also it's Korea group. Other group is have team like the Brazil and North Korea, but Group B is definately strongest in World Cup because...

do you know why?

because KOREA! (of course)

Le'ts talk the other team first. THere is a Argentina like coachee is Madonna. Madonna is most pamous football play people except Fele. Fele is the Brajil people but Madonna is Argentina (that is why sing "Don't Cry for Me" song) Some people say coachee Madonna Kraze as a Burger (see my joke? Like Kraze Burger! KKK) but I'm question is, if Madonna coachee Argentina, why aren't Fillet coach the Brajil team? We watching Madonna a lot because him hands on balls always, for example 1986.

And now teaching him team player his special move. Messy can learn it.

Korea is conservative society, so we hoping no hand on balls move during game: it can be Messy!

Next team is Nigelia, I think it's South America too because chocolate peoples is in team photo, but it can't Aprica because Aprica is already have their team in the Group A.

Anyway, Korea people is not afraid because Aprica and chocolate people is big but Korea skull is ideal shape for intelligence brain pan, plus eating metal chopsticks is KOREA have mental advantage to the chocolate people. So. Tall fast strong chocolate people like NBA is less important than smart, or else horses are dominant species the Earth (they is tall fast strong more than the human), this shows why Korea is win the Nigelia.

Finally is Greashi. Them is cradle the Western civilization and Korea expect the difficult fight for them. Because them is rough playing style: for example, please watchign:

This is World Cup.

World Cup? This Is Sparta!

However, Korea is many fast, and we are have Rain Ninja Assassin to our team if need. Here is him playing style. So we can equal fight if working hard.

Finally, Korea team is the smart and Kimchi power runn fast! Everybody have DNA clone with three lungs, like Park Jisung, and working hard to Korean coachee, too. Plus, do you know Park Jisung? He is the Manchester United superstar, like Looney. Park Jisung is the genius play and complexion very nice OK?

So Korea is win the world cup of course! And especially group B. I am predict pure blood final against North Korea and South Korea because Han blood is bester than the other one. But after that it's so impressive the final game and no more war, so China is give Baekdusan the Korea. And world is rename football the 축구 so that no more confusion America name (soccer) and World name (football) is stop be confusing.

In conclusion, teacher do you like football? Yes or no?

And please watching this video. I am make it for the NINE Magajing contest, but them said too long, and not about Korea. I am hate. Now NINE Magajing is EIGHT Magajing.

NIKE WRITE THE FUTURE - FULL LENGTH VERSION @ Yahoo! Video

Most objective world cup analysis you are find the world! It's here.

Other Nixed Suggestions from the Brainstorming Session that Produced "Drunken Rice"

2010-06-01T14:20:00.000+09:00

ddeokbokki - "spicy ricy penis shapes"

hongeo - "holy fuck what was that?"

soju - "The Korean Vomitizer"

jajangmyeon - "Negro noodles"

donkaseu - "Pound the pig"

sundae - "Greasy blood'n'guts"

hanjeongshik - "Proof of our superiority"

cheonggukjang - "Go home filthy foreigner... soup"

sugared garlic bread - "Authentic Italy"

soju - "Korean Dom Perignon"

makgeolli - "Flavored Burps"

san nakji (live octopus) - "PETA Puck-Off" (best with Korean pronunciation)

boshintang (dog soup) - "Pet Puree" "a man's best lunch" and "Fried Fido"

gopchang - "Barbequed Risk Materials"

chobap - "fuck you japan it's chobap, not sushi! Fucking chobap!"

kimchi - "You wouldn't understand anyway"

bibimbap - "Please like me. Or just let me keep calling."

These new English nicknames will be added to bilingual menus all around Korea starting next month.

Any other suggestions? Add them in the comments!

Ten Magazine is A Hate The Korea! Please Go Home!

2010-05-30T22:52:00.001+09:00

Oh my Gat! I am a shocking!

FIrst I think about Ten Magajing... do you know ten magajine? It is a English native writing magazing about the Korea and news event also article. Many picture, but Chosun Ilbo picture better. More vikini. I'm think like this magajing because happy to like the Korea. But today I am decide canceling my subscribe for a Ten Magajing. Because their article is ask the foreigner "What are your complain to the Korea"

Let me explain my think about Korea and the foreigner complain, because sometimes people are misunderstand.

1. First, the foreign people is not Korean! I am grow up the Korea so I know everything the Korea country because. And citizen. Howerver, foreign people is the understand their country not a Korea so they should only listen the Korea people explain, not talking complain.

2. It's true many foreigner live in Korea, so somebody people are say foreign people should talking about the Korea because they are live... so yes! Let's talk the healthy kimchi (not Kimuchi, dirty jap), and beautiful Korea women (but no touch OK? Your penis is have no jung.) And many thing - the place for visit Korea like fuck village, traditional museum, fuck village, hanbok shop, palace, fuck village, and king's toome. That's Korea culture you know! Also you can spend money here. IF the foreigner are talk the Korea also about complain thing, then it can frustrating and racial violence come, so foreigner live Korea OK but say nice thing then no racial violence OK?

3. Also, some people complaining the racism, but that's lie, because we are don't discriminate. It's you're foreigner not reason for your can't complain Korea. Just because ignorant and don't understand the Korea. Same your don't sit Korean restaurant table: because you can't the chopsticks, so bother other customer, not because skin color! Or maybe the Korea food too spicy.

4. I am really believe freedom for foreigner, for example, foreigner who am complain the Korea is free always go home. Even sometimes I encourage go home for exercise freedom: that's why! Freedom!

So today I saw Ten Magajing have a "What's your Complain the Korea" article, and ask everybody complain the Korea! I'm so angry. You should only like a Korea because foreign magajing, OK Ten Magajing? I'm so angry if you hate Korea why don't you go home?

Now, you stop the Ten Magajing. Now I am call you NINE Magajing, because hate.

Have a good time! Enjoy your the Korea!

Thank you for read my thinking.

NINE Magajing!

The Real Reason Mr. Wonderful Hates the "Circle Jerk": Actual Text

2010-05-25T21:11:00.005+09:00

(see bottom for update)

Wanna know the REAL reason Mr. Wonderful hates Blian Golden Balls, Lobby da Ass-crown, Clissy Snowfrake, Dickless Stevie, Zen Kimchi-dick, and Shannon Rotten-Crotch (that's two jokes [crotches and l/r] in six names... we're approaching Korean Game-Show Recycling Footage levels of "lack of actual content" here)? And what about Matty Lame-o, whom Mr. Wonderful hates so much that he hasn't even used one of his only jokes two on him? Wanna know the REAL bee in his bonnet?

Well, Dokdo Is Ours, intrepid investigative journalist extraordinaire, has uncovered the true reason for you: by successfully hacking Matty Lame-O's e-mail account. The real reason Mr. Wonderful hates Matty is because his application to enter the circle jerk was rejected. He had his hand and tongue hanging out, covered with jelly, only to be spurned. Here is original article he sent to Expat Living, and the e-mail exchange that followed:

MR. WONDERFUL:

"Wednesday!"

Hello readers. This will be a weekly column for Korea Herald's. I hope that you will find it droll. I really do. Here is a picture of me in a suit. Dazzling, isn't it? I wear suits because I want you to like me.

This will be an entertaining series about life in Korea, and all the things I like. If you do not like my writing, I hope you will accept my apologies, and go treat yourself... to an ice cream. I hope we can be friends. I really hope you enjoy a my writing, so that my blog, "Yankeenom.blogspot.com" is recognized as one of Korea's best blogs, like Brian in Jeollanam-do, Chris in South Korea, Roboseyo. By the way, Steven Revere: I hope your reading, because I'd LOVE to write some germane, witty articles for your magazine as well. Maybe we could be BFF's!

This article will be about using the bus in Korea. As a foreigner, using the bus in Korea can be hard, especially for the newcomers who dont speak or read much Korean yet. However, here are some tips on what to do, to have an easier go. It's not hard: even a drunken ass can do it, and I would know: my wife, a blushing Korean rose, often harangues me about my exasperating habit of getting on the wrong bus: "You can be foolish sometimes," she grins. My son, a diligent young student, sees me onto the right bus every time, but if I drink too much soju, if I'm drunk as a toad, I get lost.

The best thing you can do to find the right bus is very easy: always make sure your phone has minutes and battery juice before you head out, and just call your local area code, and "1330," and an operator will give you instructions! Problem solved! You can get home, and take your dumps in peace once you're there. You can even read my articles in the Korea Herald while you shit.

MATT LAMERS:

Uncle Kev, good article; please tighten up the writing a bit - your introduction is too long, and the article would improve if you added more options for catching a bus, in case some readers don't have cellphones, or they want to try and read the bus schedules. By the way, abbreviations and the word "shit" are not appropriate for The Korea Herald.

Mr. WONDERFUL

Let me try again. Sorry to cause trouble, Matt! Hope you'll still let me buy you some microbrew sometime! ㅎㅎㅎ

Wednesday!

Hello readers. Every Wednesday I will write this article. You can read it on the toilet while you're shitting your kimchi breakfasts. Do you like my article? Please check yes or no. If you don't like it, you can read something else. I'm Mr. Wonderful; I have a blog called "Yankeenom" - haha. I'd like my blog to be popular and well-known; I plan to fill it with new content regularly, and classy, tasteful photos.

This article is about using the bus in Korea. It was inspired by Chris in South Korea, one of my favorite bloggers, and a blogger whom I aspire to be like. Maybe we could hang out sometime? With you and Stephen Revere, maybe?

Using the bus is not hard. When I'm sloshed on Toad Juice, I sometimes get in shouting matches on the bus, but the racist old ass-wipes patrolling the buses for interracial daters deserve my righteous retorts. My wife, roars like a dragon when I get on the wrong bus, she says, "You da asshole" but my little biracial son helps. Meanwhile, there are signs at every bus stop. Learn to read Korean, stupid! You've been here for, how long now? It's not hard. Get on it, and call 1330 if that fails.

MATT LAMERS

Uncle Kev, really sorry to cause trouble here, but please refer to soju as soju, not toad juice; don't use the word shit, and really, leave the bathroom jokes on your blog; I can't print that. Making fun of your wife, and calling readers stupid is probably not a good idea, either.

-M

MR WONDERFUL

Sorry, Matt. I'm trying my best. Will you please still invite me to your parties? My wife is asking me why I spend all this time writing, and being able to show her something in Expat living would mean a lot - it's her favorite page in the entire print media. Would you please add meaning to my life, by printing my re-written article?

WEDNESDAY!

I've been getting a lot of criticism lately about my writing, well last night I got good and liquored up on the toad juice, and decided all those stick-in-the-muds can go fuck themselves! The dragon lady says, "You da stupid man! Go teach da kids make money! Expat libing isn't pay da money anyway!" I went to the PC room near my house instead. Nearly got hit by a goddamn bus. Those asshole drivers are gonna kill me someday. I read the Korea Herald while I was taking a shit, and I realized that I don't need that shit anyway. I couldn't remember a single thing I read.

If you want to ride the bus, it's not hard, unless you're a fucking retard. Don't be a retard, and ride the bus. Get a transport card and see where it goes. If Matty Lame-ers doesn't run this article, I hope he gets syphilis.

MATT LAMERS

Sorry, Uncle Kev, I can't run that, and I'm rethinking the regular column, too. I think I have to withdraw the offer. I'll keep reading your blog, to see how your writing progresses... maybe we'll be in touch again sometime. But not for now.

-M

MR. WONDERFUL

I'LL GET YOU, MATT!!!!

uma thurman

(dear my readers: don't worry. I actually DO want my readers to have a reason to visit my blog, so rather than antagonize mr. wonderful as often as he deserves, I'll only mock him mercilessly as often as I think my readers can stand. If you want to read more of Mr. Wonderful, don't forget to **follow this link!**)

Update:
Oh no! It looks like Uncle Snowflake (aka Mr. Wonderful) can't handle a little ribbing! As a supposed Christian, you'd think he'd consider Matthew 7:12 - "Do to others what you would have them do to you," take a big fat look at how many people he's mocked mercilessly and needlessly on his blog (WAY out of proportion with whatever they may have said about him at some point - a direct violation of that "do unto others" thing that he supposedly follows), and figure it out. Turnabout's fair play; quit yer whinin'.

So everybody, since Mr. Wonderful loves nicknames (The Dildoe Is Mine - Sweet! I got a crotch joke nickname! Didn't see that coming!) his new nickname is "Uncle Snowflake" and the long version is "Uncle Snowflake The Thin-Skinned Bitch" (partial credit to this commenter)

If you want Uncle Snowflake to stop talking about other bloggers and boring his readers, address him as "Uncle Snowflake The Thin-Skinned Bitch" as often as possible in the comments of his posts.

I've got nothing against Uncle Snowflake personally, but I do wish he'd get back to his funny storytelling and stop acting like a thin-skinned bitch when other bloggers talk about him.

Motorbike Couriers frustrated Seoulites fail to Walk on Right

2010-05-17T11:21:00.004+09:00

Jang Poktan, head of VROOM Violently Riding On Our Motorbikes Association of Seoul, recently explained the situation to Dokdo is Ours. "We were sure that the new 'walk on the right' system would herald a golden age of orderly sidewalk manners in Seoul: as numerous newspaper articles note, all the advanced countries walk on the right side of the sidewalk. If Korea followed the example of these advanced nations, bikers would have an open lane in the center of the sidewalk, where we could drive as quickly and safely as we pleased." But the plan did not work as advertised. "People continue walking any which way, changing directions and speeds at random, so rather than being able to drive on the sidewalk quickly and safely, I have to drive on the sidewalk with all my senses alert, and I sometimes even slow down! Not because I don't feel that the sidewalk is my own, to drive on as I please, and not because I feel bad about hitting people - I have jajang to deliver, you know? But just because it's exhausting hearing the accusing or mournful cries of family members following after me when I DO maim someone."

Despite a six-month public awareness campaign, changes in escalator directions, and hundreds of paint or sticker arrows on sidewalks and walkways, motorbike couriers continue to complain that Seoulites walk "anywhere they damn please on the sidewalk."

(image)

While Jang Poktan was unable to name an advanced nation where the purpose of pedestrians walking on the right was to clear a way for motorbike couriers and delivery people, he was unfazed by that absence. "That's just one way Korea could be even MORE advanced than other countries: instead of just having orderly sidewalkds, Korea could have orderly sidewalks AND the world's fastest Chinese delivery!" Mayor Oh SeHoon, architect of the "Walk on the right" campaign, also expresses frustration. "I want my jajang faster, Goddamnit! Why do you think I came up with this plan?"

It is interesting that the mayor should choose those specific words: The GODDAMN: The Group Organized to Defend the Diminutive Against Motorbike Negligence was not impressed by VROOM's wish to increase motorbike sidewalk usage. Ok Pak-eok, head of the association, described her group's countermeasures against VROOM's heedlessness. "We plan to weave and bob across the entire sidewalk with every few steps, walk slowly, several abreast, from shoulder to shoulder, as often as we can, and to randomly stop and start walking again, to make our movements impossible to predict," Ok explained.

(image)

"This will make sidewalk riding prohibitively difficult and slow for delivery bikers, and cause them to use the road instead of endangering children."

(image)

Ok seemed unconcerned that this pattern of movement would also make it difficult for other pedestrians to share the sidewalk with them. "They'll just have to suck it up. Better than getting clocked by a motorbike." So next time readers are walking on the sidewalk, and somebody suddenly stops to look in her purse, Ok suggests that you thank her: she might be a member of GODDAMN, working, bobbing and weaving to protect the sidewalks from motorbikes. In fact, she probably is: Ok claims membership of her group numbers about 11 million, and is almost exclusively old ladies: according to Korea's demographic information, almost every old lady in the nation is probably a member! And what should readers say to thank them? Just address them by the name of their group: "Goddamn Ajumma!"

Dear Samsung... re: your decision to make Michael Breen famous, and a martyr

2010-05-10T23:05:00.007+09:00

Hey everybody reading this. You should go buy Samsung products. They sure are great. Let me tell you. I use a Samsung phone. I'd write this blog on my Samsung phone if I could afford a cool enough Samsung phone. 'Cause Samsung sure is great. I wish my blog's address were "samsungisours.samsung.samsung" but Samsung already owned that URL, so I had to settle for Dokdo Is Ours. By the way: nobody reads this blog, and I'm a satire writer: it says so on the side there, so everybody knows not to take me seriously. My picture is a monkey. That pretty much says it all. Just so you know, you big tough, wonderful, good-looking Samsung legal team.

And here's what everybody's thinking so far:

Samsung: "geez. This big pile of money doesn't keep me warm at night. Maybe if people only say good things about us, we'll be warmer. Maybe punishing those who speak ill of us, and making their women wail and their children flee before us will satisfy the emptiness I feel at night"

Everybody who hears about the story: jeez; now I actually want to read Michael Breen's column.

Breen's Column: just when I thought everybody'd forgotten about me... READERS!!!!

Everybody who hears about the story: "wow. They're actually suing Breen for saying that? Is this kind of like when you know somebody's lying because their denial is suspiciously vehement?"

The hospital gown/wheelchair company: hmm. Order from "Legal defense team of M. Breen... IV stand... one; hospital gown... one..."

Kushibo, Brian, Extra Korea, Jon Glionna (LA Times): "... smart stuff..." (not me. I'm just a comedian. And *please note, Samsung Legal Team: NOBODY TAKES ME SERIOUSLY [you should ask me how it feels; many more lawsuits like this and we'll be in the same boat])

LA Times: "hey, do you think they're going to sue US next? Maybe we should have thought again about this."

Free Speech: "Can somebody throw me a bone here? I'm fucking dying!"

Lousy Korea: "See? SEE?"

President LMB: "Sorry. I was checking my sweet phone. Did I miss anything? Anyway, whatever Samsung said."

Samsung: Ignorance is strength, suppression is freedom, credit card debt is prosperity. New line of smart touch phones coming out soon!

2NE1: We still get paid, right?

For you, Samsung:

Update: Samsung's very good-looking and winsome legal team has apparently decided to drop the case against Breen. Huzzah. Free speech is now thinking "Yeah, but still..."

University Student Arrested for Playing with his Meat Stylus on the Subway

2010-04-19T20:37:00.000+09:00

University Sophomore Jung Bong-jo was taken into custody on Tuesday afternoon for playing with his meat stylus on the subway. While other iPhone owners around Korea were using meat sticks as styluses for their iPhones earlier this winter (see video below, and article here)

Due to an embarrassing misunderstanding, new iPhone user Jung iHwang was arrested for playing with his meat stylus on the subway yesterday.

"iHeard other people were playing with meat styluses to operate their iPhones," iHwang explained, I just kind of assumed that they meant... you know, their meat styluses. iVe been calling Mr. Winky my meat stylus for years now."

But iHwang had never taken out his meat stylus before in public... it seems that he thought only iPhone users were allowed to do so. At tweet from a friend on Twitter made him think iTwould be OK:

"mY MeAt peniS thebe stw ayt o opeRA tE my iPHoNe. st ilLSom EQUirkS." - he was accidentally pushing buttons incorrectly. Unfortunately, iHwang misread the message.

"iThought maybe iPhone users had legal iMmunity to arrest for public iNdecency," he explained. This is why, when the subway security, and later the police approached him, he showed them his iPhone and said, "No, it's OK. I have an iPhone."

"Unfortunately," Wang Long-won, the police officer who made the arrest explained, "the iPhone has no influence: public iNdecency is still iLlegal."

The Seoul Metro Subway company has iNtentions to press charge; iHwang is currently iNterred at a low-security holding prison, waiting for a bail hearing.

Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment. He was playing with his meat stylus.

Korean Reputation for Heavy Drinking Replaced With Reputation For Being Lightweights

2010-04-12T18:49:00.002+09:00

photos courtesy of the amazing blog, "Blackout Korea"

An OECD report debunked the myth that Koreans consume more alcohol per capita than other nations. Chosun Ilbo reports. According to the report, Koreans above age 15 drank an average of 8 liters of alcohol per person, below the OECD average of 9.5 liters per person.

Racists and expat bloggers were shocked at the news. "This changes the kinds of jokes I can make about Koreans," moaned blogger Uncle Kev. "How will I broadly characterize the people of the nation where I live now? I may have to actually hang out with some of them - only long enough to develop new stereotypes, mind - before I can go back to complaining about them on my blog."

However, others were more optimistic. "I don't have to change anything," smirked Mr. Wonderful; it was like when statistics revealed that on average, Korean penis size was well within international norms: I just shifted from making small penis jokes to pink shirts and premature ejaculation jokes. I'll be fine."

Female blogger Dragon Lady will go on record as the first blogger to shift from "heavy drinker" jokes to "lightweight/can't hold their drink" jokes: a mere ten minutes after the Chosun Ilbo article went online, she wrote, "I see da stupid man drink da Toad Juice. Him only twee shat da Toad Juice and falling on da flooh so much. Him like my husband, Mr. Londapull. Da asshole."

Indeed, whatever the explanation: high quantity or low tolerance, Korea will continue to be filled with assholes who don't seem to have any purpose except head for the streets to make things unpleasant for others.

Jeolla School to hold Pseudo-Science Fair

2010-04-09T17:34:00.002+09:00

A small-town school in Heunghak-ri is making waves in educational circles: many teachers in Korea are constrained by their school curricula to teach "~~western imperialism~~ science," despite the fact these "facts" do nothing to further the great nation of Korea, and many were discovered by non-Koreans. "These so-called 'scientific facts' were not even discovered by Koreans: foreign culture is invading our classroom, every day, and we've done nothing about it!" exclaimed Yoo Seung-lee, teacher of Heunghak-ri's grades 1-4; "we decided it was time to take matters into our own hands, and only teach facts that had been verified by Korean scientists and scholars."

Parents and students enjoyed the redeveloped curriculum so much that a Pseudo-Science fair was a natural next step. "We're really impressed with what the students have put together!" gushed Yoo. She took Dokdo Is Ours around the fair, and explained the different projects.

One display showed measurements of a Korean skull and a Japanese skull, to show Koreans have a larger brain pan, and are smarter.

Another featured many graphic drawings of Mad Cow Disease's unique effects on Korean physiology.

Another demonstrated the way Kimchi made Koreans naturally immune to SARS, HIV, and Swine Flu, and hypothesized that growing up in Korea's four seasons were the reason only Koreans benefited from these features of Kimchi.

Another compared the effects of using a condom on Korean couples and foreign couples, wherein condom use made the foreign couples "safe" and "responsible" while the Korean couple became "dirty" and "spoiled".

Another compared a student's mother with his unmarried Aunt, and demonstrated the way pregnancy instantly removes a Korean woman's ability to function in a workplace, forever.

Another showed drawings of other places around the world, where they only had three or fewer seasons: Northern USA, France, England, and Germany were among the countries portrayed bleakly living without seasons.

Another demonstrated ways to make a map of the East sea appear older than it really was, in order to seem an authentic and authoritative proof of Dokdo's Koreanness; it had a special interactive feature where students could draw the islands onto their own map, and then age it by hand.

One demonstrated which part of Kim Yuna's Korean DNA made her a champion, and connected it with the ligament that makes Koreans the only people able to eat with metal chopsticks.

Another used two students' fathers, one eating Korean dog soup, the other eating viagara, to show that Korean homeopathic virility remedies are superior. Unfortunately, the viagara eating father had been taken to the hospital. "Hello! What is priapism?" the bright-eyed student shouted as Dokdo Is Ours walked by.

The winning project was by Kwon Han-joo, nine, a terrifying portrayal of the steps by which a running fan kills anyone sleeping in a sealed room with it. He had even painted scary teeth on the blades of the fan he brought in for the demonstration, and viewers had to duck and dodge as the oscillating fan pointed in their direction.

"First the rotating blades break down most of the oxygen molecules in the room, then they suck the remaining ones out of the room. Finally, they blow air so forcefully that it can't enter the subject's nose, making him unable to breathe even the oxygen-less air. Death is quite painful."

An official from the Jeolla-do ministry of education came to the science fair as well. "We're considering standardizing this curriculum. This pseudo-science makes me feel much better about my country."

"But what about Newton? Einstein? Rutherford and Bohr and Marie Curie and Galileo?" The education director led me around a corner to another display.

"As you can see here, they were Korean."

Steve Carell Hates Korea and Must Die

2010-04-09T16:17:00.002+09:00

Hello every the Korea people. I have a shocking! Please listen my write.

I have looking internets and the internets at a Kimchi for Cornbread internet I see some scandalous!

For example here: This is a america comedy people Steve Carol. Him have famous movie like funny talking news people in Bruce Almighty. And now him laughing to the Kimchi. Watch: you will shocking too. Him make joke the Korea kimchi is smell bad! Eberybody know the kimchi is not smell bad. Only vietnam fa soup is the smell bad. If him say it small bed meybe he accident make the Japan Kimuchi which is a decompositionary smell. Please watching.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Korea in Your Kitchen

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tea Party

It's a shock! I'm don't know how to talking!

If you're don't like Steve Carol talking too, then it's time for internet attack! Get your internets and we throw at the Stebe Carol. Quick! Let's him website DDOS forever and go to his house throw kimchie over him house fense so he can enjoy smell and learn Kimchi is the important Korean food and world healthy food.

Let's together! Fighting!

Hey everybody! Pay Attention To Me!

2010-04-08T11:04:00.001+09:00

Make special note of the new tag: all similar posts will be under this tag

Good citizens of Metropolis! Gather round! I have important news.

By popular demand, KRD and The Metropolitician have been added to the Worst K-Blogger poll in the form of an add-on.

All you folks who have a hard-on for the smelly kilt-wearing pooftah are now encouraged to go and break his heart by voting for his site.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

And Blian Golden Balls to you all.

Special Classes Needed on Dokdo

2010-04-05T17:56:00.005+09:00

Yonhap News

Members of a major Korean teachers' association said Monday they will hold special classes on Korea's sovereignty over Dokdo this week, in response to a repeated Japanese claim to the disputed territory.

"Really, we're pretty sure this is the most important thing we can possibly teach our students, so we're proud of the opportunity to teach students about Dokdo belongs to Korea," explained a representative from the association. Middle school teacher Choi Joo-hee was moderately pleased. "Basically I put on the Dokdo video and take a nap. I think everybody does, except that kid in the back row who gets his hate on for Japan and starts frothing at the mouth."

Other lesson plans from association members included composing songs with the class about how much they hated Japan, drawing hate Japan pictures in art class...

Choosing a classmate who doesn't fit in, and beating him with bamboo switches like a dirty Jap for physical education class.

And chanting "Fucking Japan" for English class.

"We had to skip some of our other course material to make room for this very important Dokdo lesson, so we've decided to skip the chapter that explains that other countries fought for the South in the Korean War, and USA's role in the Miracle of the Han River, and Korean War atrocities committed by Koreans to other Koreans. It's unfortunate, I guess, but we'll make sure that the students graduate knowing with absolute conviction that "USA is the real enemy".

Students had mixed reaction to the news.
"That old video? I've seen that thing like, a hundred times," said Minji, in fourth grade.

"I'm a fan of Japanese animations, and our school had an exchange student from Japan, who lived in my house, and who was really cool; I learned a lot from her and we were good friends... until the last Dokdo thing came up and the school board stuck her on a plane back to Japan one month into her six-month exchange, and spent a week thinking of bad things to say about her. That sucked. She wrote me a letter and said that she was really hurt by that." Sooyoung, seventh grade, gave her thoughts. "Everybody gets upset about Japan and stuff, but don't we come to school to learn about how to be good people? I mean, we're not just coming to school to learn who we should hate, are we?"

At this point, the interview was interrupted by Sooyoung's teacher. "If you're going to be a dirty jap-loving whore, why don't you just fucking go to Japan, little bitch?" he shouted, cursing her, and hitting her with a textbook. He screamed, face turning purple, "I'm trying to teach you how to grow up to be a good young lady, and instead you betray our beautiful country! Why don't you just quit school now and sell your self like the fucking traitor whore you are!"

The teacher identified himself as Sooyoung's ethics teacher.

"Sometimes Sooyoung seems to be losing her way, but don't worry. By the time she graduates high school, my colleagues and I will have her hating Japan and America like a proper Korean."

(photos from this page actual pictures drawn by Korean elementary students, displayed in a subway station)

God Sets World Record With April Fools Prank on Korea

2010-04-01T10:55:00.000+09:00

The Almighty God of the universe (who seems to spend an inordinate amount of his attention on Earth) totally pwned Korea this year with a "sweet-ass april fools prank"

That's right. A heavenly pwn.

Not only was it a heavenly pwn, but God almighty visited it upon Korea not just for one day, but for an entire month.

"Normally, the calendar year goes 'January February March' and so forth... but this year, after all that olympic crap about the speed skaters - I mean, I created those guys, and love them like sons and daughters, and even I don't care about speed skating - I decided it was time for Korea to get it."

And what was the nature of Korea's Godly prank?

"Well, I was thinking about giving every Korean in the nation explosive diarrhea for an hour to finally shoot down that "Kimchi's good for you" thing - imagine the clean-up! Then I thought about turning every Kia, Hyundai and Ssangyong car into a Mazda, Toyota, or Nissan... but with all those Toyota accelerator mishaps, you know, if somebody dies, it's not a prank anymore: it's full-fledged mischief - and April 1st is a bad day for a smiting. So instead I decided to give Korea two Februaries and no May."

The remarkably gloomy weather this March, including a preposterous TWO snowfalls during freaking MARCH was nothing less than a prank on South Korea. "Maybe that'll learn 'em."

Other pranks God Almighty takes credit for around the world:

Crop circles (duh)

Every time a documentarian or newscaster gets upstaged by animals screwing in the background

Lolcats ("Nobody takes credit for inventing the first one, because I did.")

The bubonic plague ("now that I think back on it, that one might have gone a little too far. My Hands span galaxies: sometimes I get the scale wrong when I'm pranking.")

Those kooks advocating for Intelligent Design

Men who can't find the clitoris

North Korea's Ryugyeong Hotel

The French

Apple Formally Asked To Help Korea Remain Out of Step With World Norms

2010-03-30T00:09:00.003+09:00

In order to maintain Korea's internet status as a "walled garden," the Korea Communications Commission has formally requested Apple Inc. to include Naver as a search engine default option for the new, wildly popular iPhones.

"While it eventually became impossible to keep iPhones out of Korea, we have been doing our best to keep Korea's internet a strange, isolated backwater of the internet," said Jung Sung-hoon, from the Korea Communications Commission, "however, with this huge influx of ~~imperial aggression~~ foreign technology, we have had to work harder to remain a bastion of bad design, inefficient programming, and outdated protocols. It's true that our Games Ratings Board might be successful in blocking Android phones' game applications, and if we can legislate and execute that ban clumsily enough, we might be able to succeed in blocking all android apps from Korea, other than those designed by LG, Samsung, Naver and Daum. Frankly, we're pretty proud of that little bit of 'gamesmanship.' However, in order to avoid having Koreans rebel against Korea's byzantine internet experience, we're going to need Apple inc. to work with us to make the iPhone more closely resemble Korea's internet."

Toward that end, future iPhones will have several new un-removable, default features. One is a program that arbitrarily flashes a pop-up window declaring that the iPhone needs to download a new security package, or controller, which will freeze or reset the phone when it is nearly complete, and restart the process. While it's downloading, the phone will run at 10% normal speed. "It's not actually downloading anything: we just do that to remind customers of the file clusters Korean websites often require them to download."

The iPhone web browser will occasionally crash, or announce that some foreign websites no longer work with IE6 (even though iPhones actually run Safari), in order to encourage Korean users to remain on Korean websites.

"We're also working on ways to create pop-ups large enough to read on the iPhone screen, but still with complex enough flashing, moving graphics to slow down the phone's processor and run down its battery, either through trying to display said popups, or through trying to block them."

Another program that will be found on all new Korean iPhones is a "security backdoor" - while the iPhone is more secure than Korean banking sites, because it uses browser and security technology invented more recently than 1997, a security loophole will be intentionally added, in order for the iPhone experience to perfectly simulate the ordinary daily experience of working on the internet. "About twice a month, all the information stored on your i-phone will be randomly sent to one of several Chinese information gathering firms, including keystroke records, saved passwords, common search terms and browsing histories."

And how will Korean consumers react when the iPhone rolls out these new features?

"We're more worried about how they'll react if we DON'T embed these programs on new iPhones: we might actually be forced to bring Korea's internet into step with world norms!"

New Foreign Prison To Include More Amenities, Photographers

2010-03-27T21:11:00.001+09:00

image from Joongang Daily

A group of foreigners dresses in the traditional Confucian students' hanbok, and takes lessons in ink painting and polite bowing. Later, they will perform kimjang, and make Korean side-dish kimchi, and memorize the names of all Korea's Unesco World Heritage sites. During every step of this process, Joongang Daily and Chosun Ilbo photographers will have access to the lessons, and will be uploading the photos to their mother newspapers, as well as providing images to the KTO and other tourist agencies within Korea. These photos (that is, the ones involving good-looking, pale-skinned prisoners) will be used on tourism posters and for other promotional purposes.

While others have criticized the Cheonan, South Chungcheong foreigner's prison for having more amenities than other Korean prisons, most of them do not understand the secondary purpose of this facility: getting more photos of foreigners doing Korean stuff. "I'm not saying the prison was specially designated a foreigner's prison, and equipped with these amenities especially BECAUSE of the opportunity to photograph foreigners doing Korean stuff... but it's certainly a convenient dovetailing of interests between the police and tourism arms of the government."

Such cooperation between government agencies is not unprecedented, nor will it be the last case of inter-agency cooperation: the former Ministry of Gender Equality is one model ministry for their ability to adapt and work with other department.

"Originally we had a ministry of our own," said Yu-mi Hoon, former government minister, "but since then we've been combined with the Ministry of Unification - a pair of agencies Lee Myung-bak sometimes refers to as 'The Useless Lefty Nork Deadweight Combo Ministry'" Further intra-ministry cooperation may be a necessity for the former Ministry of Gender Equality.

"President Lee seems to be planning on combining us with the Ministry of Culture, Sports and Tourism now, as he's only been keeping the ministry open for the sake of branding and appearances so far anyway, he figures he can streamline the lip service and token gesture departments of government by combining them into one ministry, call the "Ministry of Economic Equality, Women's Rights, Unification, Promises of Education and Labor Reform, Social Welfare and International Business and Foreign Company Antitrust and Fairness Ministry of Branding and Promotion"

While such a combination would make Korea a world hub of government ministry convergence, for now, Warden Lim Chung-hoon, at Cheonan Foreigners' Prison, discusses the potential of this foreign prisoner photography program.

"After we've gotten enough pictures of male foreign prisoners making kimchi, playing janggu drums, painting with ink, bowing, wearing hanbok, and possibly even going on trips to various cultural festivals, there are talks about opening a similar prison for female foreigners, if we can arrest enough attractive, pale-skinned foreign females. I don't want to give too much away, but if photographers have full access to the women's foreign prison, there's even talk of making their official prison uniforms bikinis, if we have enough blondes. The Chosun Ilbo photographers are lobbying hard for that, of course, because it would save them the effort of wandering around beaches and having to walk past so many Korean females before finding foreign females to ogle and photograph."

Chosun Ilbo photographer Choi Young-ho was unavailable for comment, as he had locked himself in a bathroom stall after the topic came up.

Caught Looking at Girly Pictures in the Korea Times Staffroom?

2010-03-23T10:11:00.004+09:00

No problem! Just turn them into news stories.

From the international correspondent: all the worldwide news we need to read... now prioritized!
Searching "Katherine Heigl nip slip" becomes "Heigl Suffers Wardrobe Malfunction"

"Penelope Cruz breasts" (or possibly "Keira Knightley breasts," or possibly "Penelope Cruz Keira Knightley Girl on Girl") becomes "Real Breasts"

"Dirty teen sext images" becomes "Sexting Punishment"

"Sexy young angelina jolie teen" becomes... exactly that.

and

"US Passes Monumental Healthcare Bill" becomes... "Foreign Sex Criminals Banned from Entering Korea"

And that's all since Sunday.

coming up next week:

"Terrorist Attack Kills Hundreds in Southeast Asia" becomes "Top Five Starlets We're Hoping Will Have a Wardrobe Malfunction"

"Tenement Fire in Gyeongsan-do Kills Dozens Of Migrant Workers" becomes "Foreign English Teachers Make Our Middle Schools A Danger Zone"

"Korean Government Decries Low Quality of English Language Reporting on Korea" becomes "Have You Seen What I Have To Work With?"

"LMB Urges Korean Law and Society to Embrace A More Diverse Population" becomes "Interracial Dating A Growing Concern for Many Korean Parents"

New Robot Teacher Bringing Their Robot Culture into Korean Classrooms

2010-03-22T19:06:00.001+09:00

(Future Editorial from 2014)

Hi. I'm Chung Moon Jung. I'm an English teacher in a town near Busan, and for two years now, I have been working side by side with a Robot English teacher. While everybody in Korea wants a good education for their children, and English skill is crucial to achieving the universal dream of a good education for children, I am sorry to say I have been completely disillusioned with the Robot Teachers brought (at great cost) into Korea by the education board.

While it seems like a perfect solution to bring robots into our schools to teach English, in fact, they are anything but perfect teachers. First of all, whenever there is a dispute of methodology, the robot takes an arrogant attitude toward Korean education methods, and automatically assumes its own methods are superior, simply because it is a robot, and comes from a factory, rather than growing up in Korea, like I did. If I challenge it on the cultural differences between the ways of teaching the children are accustomed to, and the methods it wants to introduce, it just huffs, “That’s just my programming,” and ignores the fact that the students are confused. This arrogance and ignorance of Korean culture shows itself in other ways, as well.

The students often find it cold and difficult to relate to: it lacks the basic affection and warmth for students that are essential for a good teaching relationship. For example, I am tender and intimate toward my students, and I know how to judiciously use the love stick in order to demonstrate my care for the students. I also know when to stop using the love stick, and to repair hurt feelings with my affection stick. But when a student was unruly in the robot’s class, it peeled his skin off like an overripe pear, without even a second warning!

The robot also has trouble getting along with the rest of the staff. It often seems aloof and unfriendly, even to the supervisor, and it never comes out to staff dinners with us, denying us the barest opportunity to get to know it. It has never made even the barest effort to ask about Korean culture or language, displays ignorance or disinterest in Korean food and history. It insists that we speak its own language, even though it is very difficult for most teachers on staff to understand how to properly install Active-X controls, much less communicate in 1’s and 0’s. When it is dissatisfied with its living space - the closet where we lock it over night - it stops working completely, and refuses to perform even basic duties. This seems to be its passive aggressive way of insisting we fix the water leak in that closet, but it is insensitive to the Korean communication style of asking indirectly for service and repairs to its free housing, along the proper Korean channels.

Worst of all, the robot seems to be bringing its robot culture into the Korean classroom: rather than sticking to its subject, the robot seems to take the classroom time as an opportunity to indoctrinate the students in robot culture, in order to make the students think and behave like it. I have noticed the students holding up blue cards when they do not understand my instructions, the way the robot does, and moving stiffly and in unison.

When the students are emotional and speak with that charming Korean up and down intonation, rather than respecting their human and Korean features, it always responds in flat monotones, until the students also behave like robots.

Worst of all, the students have been behaving in logical, calculating ways, considering options and choosing the one with the most likely positive results, rather than doing things the Korean ways that we have been doing for thousands of years: when I made Jong-seung stand in a stress position for two hours, rather than bowing his head and scraping to my authority as teacher, his parents filed a complaint to the Board of Education’s discipline advisory board, and I am now under investigation, all because this robot has been teaching students to reject Korean ways and Korean culture, and embrace strange, foreign, robotic, logical ways.

While it is true that every parent dreams of having children who speak English well, there must be a better way than bringing these abominable robots into the classroom!

Brian Orser to be Honorary Seoul Citizen; also "Anyone Else We Can Take"

2010-03-19T21:22:00.001+09:00

In order for Korea to take more of the credit for Kim Yu-na's record-breaking gold medal performance at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, Seoul has invited Brian Orser to be an Honorary Citizen of Seoul. Orser will join other people like soccer coach Guus Hiddink and football star Heinz Ward. (Seoul City later discovered his name is spelled Hines, but it's already in the register as Heinz.)

"Seoul regularly finds people who have achieved impressive things, and hitches its wagon to their stars, hopefully to increase the city's international profile," explains Mr. Cho. This is why we have been coming up "___ of Korea" names for all of Korea's landmarks, people, and sites, for example Seoul Forest is Seoul's Central Park, Yeouido is Seoul's Manhattan, Apgujeong is Korea's Beverley Hills, Jeju Island is Korea's Hawaii, Rain is Korea's Justin Timberlake, and Bae Yong-joon is Korea's Julia Roberts. Also, Gyungbokgung will soon be known as Korea's Forbidden Kingdom, tallest mountain Hallasan will be known as Korea's Everest, and Lee Chan is Korea's James Brown."

"We have decided to name Brian Orser an honorary citizen of Seoul so that we can pretend that Yuna Kim was trained by a Korean, by reminding anybody who mentions that Yuna needed a Canadian trainer, that Orser is also a Korean citizen. This way, Korea can take maximum credit for Yuna's success, and we can share as little credit as possible with barbarians."

Other celebrities being considered for honorary Seoul citizenship include athletes Peyton Manning, Lionel Messi, Pele, Michael Phelps, Tiger Woods and Christiano Ronaldo, entertainers Meryl Streep, Jack Nicholson, Mick Jagger, Jeshica Gomeju, and Beyonce, entrepreneurs Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Warren Buffet, world leaders Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth II, and even fictional characters Jean Valjean, Harry Potter and Gandalf. "Really," says Cho, "anyone you can think of. We've even made a few deceased people Seoul Citizens, including Leonardo DaVinci, and, to strengthen Korea's claim to having invented the printing press, Johannes Gutenberg, as well as William Shakespeare, in hopes that it will help Koreans improve their English."

The register of Seoul citizenry seems to settle a few ancient disputes, as well: "Dokdo has been a citizen of Seoul for longer than even the oldest Japanese claim to the island... in fact, the first thing Dangun did after he was born, even before inventing the wheel, was to make Dokdo an official citizen of Seoul. It's there in the register, right before Baekdu Mountain and Jesus."

It's Korean Rhetoric Week at Dokdo Is Ours

2010-03-10T08:29:00.002+09:00

Here's the game, inspired by this post:

In the comments, write:

a Korea-related topic

two totally un-related topics (at least one should not be related to Korea at all)

four random four-syllable words

And I'll write a Joongang Daily Editorial about the best/funniest one.

Determined to be The Best Blog in Korea

2010-03-03T19:48:00.002+09:00

Seriously, readers? Not even on the ballot? Where are my die-hards?

Well fine. Since what I've been doing here doesn't seem to be what wins these kinds of accolades, here you are readers. It's time for a makeover. Note the new blog title, and the new tone.

So I woke up this morning hung over like a bag of smashed assholes. That fucking strawberry truck was barking his noisy bullshit over the goddamn bullhorn again and I wondered why I still live here. Maybe a revelation was coming that I hate this land of cunts and asshole-lickers and I was time for me to leave, but ill never know because my ugly harpy of a wife was braying in my ear.

"You da stupid man! Why you late? You gonna no breakfas now"

I told my wife I didn't want her goddamn seaweed rice and rancid cabbage breakfast anyway and left the house while she was still making up new swear words to insult me with.

Bet Joe Jenkimchi does the same thing, but that uncle-tom doesn't write about it on his blog. He's so far up Korea's ass that if Korea's asshole was Busan, he'd be in Daejeon. Except Korea's asshole is Seoul, in the neighborhood where I live. I know because every time I leave the house I can smell the shit.

I hate the moderators at Dave's ESL cafe. They suck.

I drank more gook juice at lunch today. My coworkers were with me, so it was OK. I taught them to say cum-guzzler, and told them it was a very high compliment. That'll be funny when they meet an international client.

"Excujuh me. Yoo ah ah cum geojjulleo"

"What did you say?"

"You guzzling deo cum ebery day"

"Are you insinuating..."

"Take a chill pill modeopuckeo" (I taught them that too)

Work sucked as usual, but my boss is a fat cunt so I don't feel bad about playing solitaire at my desk, and in the office bathroom, every day.

Then at night I met Sketchy, an old Pikey cunt I met at Seoul Pub. He's a glorious asshole, too. He got banned from Dave's ESL Cafe on the first day he left a comment. Dave's moderators are cunts. Sketchy and I were walking at night, carrying pitchers of hite and being loud and getting stared at by all the gook toads around us when we saw a toad princess in high heels and a skirt. She was doing something that is normal for Koreans to do, but different than things I used to do back home, so I shouted at her and called her a stupid cunt toad. Why doesn't she act like people do back home, where people have sense? But women back home are all fat ugly bitches. And especially western girls in Korea. They're dumb. I hate them. It's all them, and nothing to do with me.

Anyway, the toad princess looked nervous to see us (Sketchy's a huge cocksucker: used to play rugby) so we followed her down the street for kicks. She acted all worried, and started talking urgently on the phone, so I shouted "Show us your tits!" -- which was an old inside joke between me and Sketchy, the glorious cunt. It slew Sketchy, that old bastard. He was howling with laughter.

After following the toad princess for a few blocks, and shouting "Show us your tits" again and again, to crack each other up, some Korean guys came up to the girl from down the street, and she pointed at us. They looked like they were going to come over and talk to (that is, get beat up by) us, but Sketchy had nearly been deported once for getting in a fight with a few Koreans and accidentally shoving one of those scrawny toad policemen, so we left.

I got home plastered and the toad wife was mad. The kids were already in bed, and she said my half-toad son called her a cunt at dinner. He probably learned it from school. She wouldn't let me sleep in the bed, but the couch is OK with me. I masturbated on the bathroom floor and didn't clean it up, so that she'd have to scrape up my dried cum when she cleaned the bathroom. That'll show her.

I'm awesome! Vote for my blog at the 10 Magazine poll!

Or at least pay attention to me. 10 Magazine sucks and they're trying to censor me. Zenkimchi sucks. Seoul Eats sucks. Chris in SK sucks. If any of them pays attention to me I'll say they suck more. Brian in Jeollanamdo sucks. Marmot sucks. Grand Narrative sucks. Hermit Hideaways sucks. Eat Your Kimchi Sucks! The Korean Law Blog sucks. Jason in Korea sucks. Come on guys! Get mad at me!

Please?

Seriously? Are you fucking serious? And I'm not even on the nominee list?

Now if you don't vote me as Korea's best blog, I'll never forgive you.

Olympics Rundown

2010-02-26T22:38:00.000+09:00

Leading off:

A second island of approximately the same size as Jeju Island has appeared just east of Jeju, at exactly the same time as the final women's figure skating contestant failed to top Kim Yuna's score of 228.56. It is believed the entire Korean peninsula orgasmed with excitement when their hero, Kim Yuna, took the women's figure skating gold on Friday afternoon (Korea time).

Geologists are amazed at the development

. "I know I used to joke with my colleagues about several of the phallus-shaped peninsulas on the world map, but this has just blown us all away," said Robert Pine, from the Asian institute of geology. "It's a totally new and unexpected mode of landform generation. We're now wondering which other islands around the world are actually a result of similar joygasms. For example, is Cuba actually a Floridagasm? It must have been a big one: Cuba is huge! What sort of exciting event, deep in the mists of pre-history, could have led to such a cataclysmic shudder of happiness? What about Sicily: that little dollop shape suddenly makes more sense, next to the phallus of Italian geography... yet again, we're left wondering what kind of event could have caused the entire Italian peninsula to blow such a great, joyous load."

Much to the disappointment of Korean speed-skating fans, Jim Hewish remains alive. After he disqualified South Korea's women's 3000 meter relay team for crowding a Chinese skater, Korean netizens engineered an experiment late on Thursday night. One commenter, "OhnoSux2002" suggested, in the aftermath of the Korean heartbreak, that if all Koreans across the nation spent one minute focusing on hating Jim Hewish, the negative energy would probably be enough to cause him to be smitten by God. Unfortunately, Hewish seems alive and well. No aneurysm paralysed his brain at 9:15 last night (Korea time), no asteroid smote him from orbit, no train redirected its tracks through his home and plastered him across a mile of railway. OhnoSux2002 is bitterly disappointed. "I've published his home address and had friends leave flaming bags of dog poop on his front step, I've sent him forty-thousand, three-hundred and nine e-mails personally, and I've threatened the life and livelihood of every person in his local phone book, except the Koreans, but the man keeps going, unperturbed."

(source)

It was suspected that the reason Hewish was not struck down by Dangun's Thunder, or his great garlic clove of vengeance, is because somewhere on the peninsula, one Korean did not participate in the minute of concerted hate. DokdoIsOurs managed to find that one person, who wishes to remain anonymous. "I tried, but after thirty seconds, I saw something shiny," the three-year old explained. "I was mad, but you know, it was shiny. And pink, too."

Third story:

In somewhat gory, yet not really unexpected news, Kim Yuna has dismembered every other female figure skater. After interviews for the media about her world record performance, Yuna headed into the women's change room with a look in her eyes, and wedged the door shut. Members of the media listened in horror at the screams and slicing sounds coming out of the change room, and then watched as blood oozed out from under the change room door. When Yuna left the room again in street clothes, she smiled cutely at the cameras, and wiped a bit of dark fluid from the corner of her lips. Her belly was a little distended under her track suit.

Those who ventured into the change room discovered the bodies of all Yuna's former rivals, massacred in surgically clean, effortless strokes by a skate blade, each with her heart carefully and precisely cut out of her chest. It is believed Yuna ate her rivals' hearts in a ritualistic fashion, after destroying them completely on the ice.

When asked about what transpired in the change room, Yuna giggled and made "v" signs with her fingers. "I didn't feel like my victory was quite complete, simply collecting the gold medal and setting world records in both the short and long skate. I really needed a little something extra to top it off. At first I was thinking a banana sundae would do, but then I realized that drinking the tears, eating the hearts, and ritually cutting the other skaters was the only way to be emphatic enough in demonstrating my complete dominance of the women's figure skating world."

(image)

While representatives from most countries were shocked and appalled at Yuna's victory rites, the Korean ambassador to Canada commented, "Bitch got the moves. Who's gonna stop her?" while media members and skating officials nearby silently nodded assent, but dared to say nothing, lest they be the next to incur the vengeance of Yuna.

Short Korean Men Live in Terror after Luger's Death in Vancouver

2010-02-22T23:02:00.004+09:00

After the death of Georgian Luger Nodar Kumaritashvili at the beginning of the Vancouver Olympics, short Korean men across the nation have been staying in, acting skittish, and looking over their shoulders everywhere they go.

Why the seemingly paranoid behavior? "After that Misuda episode, all of us guys under 180 centimeters tall are worried that we might be the next luger to go," 158 cm. tall Chan Won-gyu explained.

A few months ago, you see, a small controversy was stirred up by an episode of "Misuda" - Chatting With Beauties - when Hongik University Student Lee Do-kyung called all men shorter than 180 centimeters lugers.

While offensive, this in itself was not enough to make Korea's under-height men fear for their lives; however, before the Vancouver games, the death of another of their kind - the late Nodar Kumaritashvili - has set them all to worrying for their lives. "Nobody's quite sure if his death was a consequence of his condition of being a luger - and if it was, any of us might be next." Chang Won-gyu is taking no risks. He's been taking the stairs instead of the elevator, and avoiding PC rooms, and other dark, yet busy areas where he might get singled out by a crowd. "It's been hard staying away from the whoring districts, but a man's gotta do what he needs to stay alive," Chang said, shrugging.

"Meanwhile, there are enough stereotypes about lugers already... I hope they don't think all of us lugers are like these two guys."

(photo source)

While for Chang, it's a simple equation: short men should watch their backs - he is confused about one thing. "How did luging become a sport? I mean, does the shortest guy win the gold medal? And is the winner just the biggest luger of them all? Winter sports are confusing. Go YUNA!"

Apolo Anton Ohno Discovered To Be Illegally Tutoring Korean Children

2010-02-15T18:56:00.003+09:00

"Just look at that f&#king guy" - Yonhap News

Apolo Anton Ohno, the much-reviled (in Korea) American short-track speed skater, has won silver medal in the men's 1500 meter race. Ohno is unique in the sports world for several reasons.

First, a survey discovered that there are more Koreans who hate Apolo Ohno than there are humans on the entire planet who can name three or more short-track speed skaters. Ohno is the first athlete in history for whom the hate directed toward him actually outweighs the world sum of knowledge about his sport.

Ohno credits the obscurity of his sport: "It's not that well known, though there ARE a lot of medals in it at the Olympics," but others suggest that the main reason for this unique statistic is Ohno's overwhelming douchery.

"Just look at that f$*@ing chin-beard," said Korean president Lee Myung-bak, when asked about Ohno's success.

While he is most hated in Korea for allegedly stealing the gold medal from Korean skaters in the 2002 Olympics, investigative reporters have recently uncovered, and reported extensively, on other reasons to hate his soul-patchiness. Paparazzi recently photographed Ohno in a cafe in Koreatown LA, giving English conversation lessons to a Korean university student. The IRS reported that he had not registered those lessons: he was tutoring illegally. It seems he also meets a group of elementary-age Korean-immigrants to play scrabble or chat twice a week.

Other crimes they have accused Ohno of: having a stupid soul-patch, driving a Honda, having a Sony flatscreen, calling his half-Korean ex-girlfriend "crazy", thinking kimchi for breakfast is "weird", having a stupid soul-patch, being a non-Korean multiple Olympic medal-winner, not knowing Park Ji-sung, laughing at Team America: World Police a little too much, being better-looking that all Korean olympians except Kim-Yuna, asking Kim Yuna if she was from North or South Korea, and seriously, that f*#&ing soul patch.

Also, at the post-race press conference, Ohno pulled down his skating suit pants, and revealed that he was wearing Korean flag underwear with a taeguki right over his butthole, at which point he ripped a loud fart. He then, gloated, "I'm miles better than all those crappy Korean skaters from that crappy country South Korea, full of crappy people and crappy food and crappy crap. Then he asked if any Korean journalists were in the press room, and insulted them with the thumb/forefinger gesture, told them Kimchi sucks, punched a Korean baby, ripped up photos of Admiral Lee Sunshin, Lee Young-ae, and Kim Dae-jung, cut a janggeum open with a knife, and shouted, "Takeshima belongs to Japan".

Korea: World Hub of Veiled Threats

2010-02-09T18:56:00.002+09:00

HT Idiots' Collective

See here.

Korea Tourism: New Slogan Ideas

2010-02-09T11:30:00.003+09:00

Mailbag: Ask An Insecure Kyopo Who Can't Speak The Language, Posing As Food Ambassador To Feel Like A Korea Expert

2010-02-03T13:42:00.002+09:00

(another actual letter from reader this time: we are so excite!)

Dokdo Is Ours is happy to introduce another expert to the ranks of our advice columnists; as always, Dokdo Is Ours will always be happy to accept your letters requesting advice from any of our stable of advisors. It is time now for:

Ask An Insecure Gyopo Who Can't Speak The Language Well Who Seeks Relative Cultural Credibility by Repeatedly Playing Food Ambassador To Foreigner Friends At Cheap 고기집s:

Hello everyone. It is I, Insecure Gyopo Who Can't Speak The Language Well Who Seeks Relative Cultural Credibility by Repeatedly Playing Food Ambassador To Foreigner Friends At Cheap 고기집s. First of all, please don't be intimidated by the authentic Korean I use in my pen name: there's nothing to be nervous about. It's just the hangeul for "Barbeque Restaurant" -- literally, "Meat House" 고기 (gogi) meaning meat, and 집 (jip) meaning house. I use a little Korean here and there in my conversation and writing, because, you know, I'm Korean. But I grew up in America: that's why I write English well. It is a quite a debut I have for you today, with four questions for you, all on a related topic. I do that sometimes, because Koreans are indirect. That's how we think. So here we go.

Question 1. Oh my god this marinated beef is so good, what's it called again?

Yes, I'm fond of it too. It's called 불고기 which is pronounced, "bool-go-gi" - it means fire (that's bul) meat (gogi). As you can see, one strength of Korean language is its functionality. It simply names the food exactly what it is. That's why it's easy to learn. I have to study Korean harder. My grandmother spoke it to me, but we went to America when I was two. However, the lettering system is very simple. Here. Let me write your name in Korean. See? David, here's your name: 대이비드 and here's yours, Joanne: 조앤 isn't that great? You can keep the napkin. It's yours.

Question 2. Would you please explain this fascinating business about the proper way to pour alcohol?

A-ha. As you can see, Korean culture is very complex. I think that's why my Uncle never talks to me. He doesn't speak English, and I can only speak a little Korean. God I should study Korean more. But he taught me this before I used the wrong verb ending with him, and accidentally called him "Maternal Aunt who is Wife of my Mother's Younger Brother" instead of "Paternal Uncle Who is Older Brother to my Father" - boy, was my face red. You see, to show proper respect, you have to lift your glass with two hands, or put your left hand under your right forearm like this. Then, tip the glass, tilting your wrist toward the inside - never the outside. Also, it's important to never refill a glass until it's empty. That's the other thing I did wrong to my uncle. That's about as bad as calling your American uncle ... well... something really insulting. Do you like soju? It's like, my favorite drink, even though I drank beer all through university... but that must be because I'm Korean. Loving soju must just be in my 피 OOPS! Did I say 피 instead of blood? I must have unconsciously replaced the English word with the Korean one. Silly me!

Question 3: I enjoy that which appears witty and ironic; would you happen to know where I could purchase a t-shirt that reads "foreigner" in Korean?

Sorry, I wouldn't know about that. I'm not a foreigner, you see.

Question 4: Dude you know about Club Night, right?

Yes, yes, I used to go to club night in my first year. Not any more: too many foreigners, and these days it's all so stylish. I swear it's not because I got older and the university girls won't dance with me anymore. Hongdae, which used to be known as a hub of underground and hipster music, is also home to Yonsei university, one of Korea's SKY universities... you know what SKY stands for, right? Shinchon also has an old historical train station that's been replaced by a (wrinkle nose in disgust) shopping center. I hate that REAL Korea is being replaced with all these shopping centers and IMAX theaters. I wish I could remember the Korea of my childhood more clearly. God I have to study Korean more. Hey, put another piece of meat on the barbeque: I'm still 배고파 OOPS! I used the Korean for hungry instead of English! I did it again! Please forgive me.

Letter to Ask a Korean Promotional Brochure: Korea's Dirty Secret Theme Park

2010-01-30T23:41:00.004+09:00

Dokdo Is Ours is very happy for have a letter writeing from fan. You can read. We has other letter too from reader that are wait for publish... patiently and don't worry. It is happen.

Dear Korean Promotional Brochure:

The Korean government has long been making crazy slogans and rolling out aggressive advertising campaigns promoting Korea as a tourist destination ("Visit Seoul Year 2010-2012" and "Happy Suwon" are two of many slogans). Bearing this in mind, I've long wondered why the DMZ tours to Panmumjeom aren't promoted more? It's something unique to Korea that no other country can offer and it seems to appeal to foreign tourists. Why not aggressively market Panmumjeom as a tourist destination only Korea can offer rather than... (I'll keep this polite and stop here).

From: A Long Time Expat (oops: them said please don't use real name.)
From: A continuously extended foreigner

Dear A Continuously extended foreigner:

Not since Dangun proudly passed through his mother's bearish birth canal, and emerged from her vagina to be King of Korea, and the World's Greatest Baby (that's right: even better than Hero, the Beatles Baby above!), has Korea been more proud to explain the latest step of our 5000 year plan for world domination of culture. True, it seems sometimes that our plans and especially slogans are birthed, implemented and abandoned almost weekly, but this is simply part of our attempt to be a world mecca of slogans. Presently, New York, the Big Apple, The City that Never Sleeps, is the world hub of slogans and catchphrases, but we only need to change our tourism slogan four more times and we will be the world hub number one. And don't forget: some of our slogans and plans have a LOT of staying power: for example, Visit Korea Year 2010-2012 is three times longer than Visit Japan Year 2010: our Visit Korea Year is world number one longest visit year! Even longer than "Visit North Korea Year 1971-June 1972: Kim Il Sung Added Seven Months Named After Himself To Our Calender, and Things Have Been Confusing Since Then"

You ask an interesting question about Panmunjom: you see, we actually have big plans for Panmunjom, planning to make it an inspired and sparkling mecca of dynamic hubs, if you will. There are a handful of things about Korea that our main tourism organizations try to, shall we say, downplay, for fear of bad international press... but after some advice from a failed stand-up comedian who is a friend of the Minister of Tourism, and therefore represents every foreigner in the world, we've decided to go the opposite way.

Starting next year, we will be adding buildings and features to the Panmunjom complex, to create the "Korea's Dirty Secret Theme Park" -- it will be fun for the whole family, and it will be an opportunity to explore all the aspects of Korea that the brochure writers wish you wouldn't notice.

The theme park will include everything the President, and Invest Korea don't want you to know or hear about, adapted into fun games for the whole family:

View the wares walking through a whoring district (with authentic purple lights, and real gangsters in black suits hanging around outside -- this one might mostly be fun only for daddy). Also: once an hour, watch the "talent" do the marital infidelity dance!

Fill up your tank at "Bow-Wow-Chow-Wow!" - our special cafeteria that features ONLY dog meat dishes. All dog meat was properly tenderized the authentic, traditional Korean way.

Try your luck at the insane netizens comment board: it's an interactive game where you can type comments about Korea into a simulated online forum: see how critical you can get before 1000 flames flood your inbox!

Play the Blood-money Simulator: commit a "crime" in this interactive game, and then find out how much blood money will get you off the hook! All amounts lower if the victim is a foreigner!

Watch the suicide counter's moving digits slowly climb, and play a fun choose your adventure game called "How will Suji Cope with her Shame for Failing the Suneung?" The traffic fatality counter is also worth a gander!

Tour the "Kimchi causes gastric diseases" research center

Attend regular seminars on distorting information for political purposes, hosted by political leftist Korean organizations.

Justify This! (also known as "I've lived a hard life") Try to convince a judge that it was consensual, and not date-rape. This game may be boring for some, as it's really, really easy.

Toss seniors out into the street, by repossessing their homes in old neighborhoods for redevelopment, or just by having no social programs for the aged and unable to work. For extra fun, hand them a cart to gather recycling materials while they leave their homes, crying!

Bother the white foreigner: how long can you chat with him before he realizes you're just trying to get a free English lesson and gets annoyed? Or: can you surreptitiously stare at the white girl's boobs, without her noticing?

See if you have the skills it takes to work in Korean government with National Assembly Virtual Reality Boxing

The Xenophobia Filter Game: select which foreign influences to fear, and which to tolerate. The game is over if you don't spit on the English teacher dating a slutty-looking Korean girl!

Walk through the "I'm Afraid of Negroes" house of horrors: a replica of an inner-city African-American neighborhood: which one will you stare at, lest he steal something, where there are five walking around? Don't choose wrong, or you'll have to pay admission twice! Also: don't call the police on Heinz Ward, or people will KNOW you're a racist!

Challenge yourself with "I'm Not A Russian Whore!" - try to get admitted into a hospital with blonde hair and blue eyes, at 3 a.m.!

Throw rocks at the police and set fire to police buses at Protest Plaza! Or desecrate American and Japanese flags with various items from our desecration kit, including pig guts, bird blood, human pinky fingers, and 100 000 bees!

Welcome Back the Adoptee, for real prizes: give flowers to the ones who "made good" and cynically try to get the others to say nice things about the country that didn't want them, in order to improve the country's brand! Plus, every month, winners are entered into a draw for their OWN unwanted Korean baby!

Grab a sledgehammer for the "Destroy Part of Korea's Heritage" play room, where adults and kids alike can destroy ceramics and parts of hanok houses, to make way for modern apartment buildings!

Rest your tired feet watching a slide-show photo exhibition of the factories built with the money Korea took for selling out the Comfort Women

Be a CEO with the Gender Gap Job Interview Simulator, where you get to refuse to hire or promote female applicants. Send pink slips to pregnant women! Promote male slackers! Force pretty young subordinates to do love-shots with you! Fire women during unprofitable quarters, while propping up male "breadwinners!"

Put on blinders and see if YOU can ignore the sounds and images of starving North Korean children, and dying prison camp victims, while you walk through the Sunshine Policy Parkway. If you ignore them and walk all 100 yards without feeling a pang of guilt, you'll win a discount on that new phone you wanted! Sweet!

Exploit a tour guide! We have Southeast Asian tour guides to help you find your way around the park. You can make any unreasonable demand of them, and if you're in the least dissatisfied with their performance, you can sign their deportation order yourself!

And remember: hocking, spitting, and smoking are always allowed, ANYWHERE on the premises!

Come in the morning, stay all day remember: you're not allowed to leave until the boss goes, so find your favorite exhibit, and look busy!

Have a complaint? Come to the customer service booth, where we'll correct you!

So stay tuned, Continuously Extended Foreigner! And if you can think of any other exhibits that belong in the Dirty Secret Theme Park, please add them in the comments: we're still in the planning stages, so we'll take all suggestions into consideration.

If you don't like what I wrote, please go to the comments as well, where I'll correct your wrong opinion of my post. You should learn more about my blog, or go home.

KT "Special" Report: Korean Women To Take Over Korea; Robots To Take Over Housekeeping

2010-01-27T22:25:00.003+09:00

Korea Sees Neo-Matriarchal Society

I'm not making this up. I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Korea Times Rule of Journalism #54:

Just make shit up. Seriously. Any old shit. Connect it to any other shit you can think of. We have a paper to fill!

PS: Robots are cool. Add robots if you can. Or ninjas.

(ps: come back and tell us more about Korea's matriarchal society when Korea's higher than 115th in the fucking world in the Global Gender Gap Index)

Ask Kim Jong-il

2010-01-26T07:05:00.002+09:00

(inspired by... and many others like it)

Dear Kim Jong-il

I'm eleven years old, and there's this boy, Andy in my class, and I like him. I'm not sure if he likes me, too, but I'd really like to hold his hand, or maybe walk home from school with him. That would be so nice!

Yesterday, he was talking with his friends, and all of a sudden they all stopped talking and looked at me. I turned really red and looked at the floor, and they all laughed. I was so embarrassed, and I'm not sure what it means: does that mean Andy likes me, or does it mean he hates me? And what should I do to show him I like him?

Please let me know: I'm very confused.

Jessica

To the good but naive imperialist lapdog Jessica:

You have come to the right place: I, Kim Jong-il, the dear father, and the infinite source of all great wisdom, shall deign to answer your question, to symbolically show my caring for every North Korean worker, and to demonstrate my deep compassion, even for the smallest child. Were you child 15 342, in the nineteenth row from the left, and the hundred-ninth row from the front, during the children's dance at last year's Arirang Games Gala? I think I recognize you. I hope you've put on some weight since then.

Anyway, Andy and his friends action of looking at you, laughing, and then looking away is nothing less than an outright declaration of absolute war. The laughter was obviously at some plot to destroy your life and ideology, to rape your daughters and sell your wives away into the worst kind of slavery, to leave your husbands lying in pools of their own blood, to die as they watch their fields burn.

My advice to you is this: gather your war machines! Muster your allies and friends if you have some, scout Andy's strengths and defenses, and lay plans to exploit his weaknesses. Then attack suddenly, viciously, and without warning. In the dark of night, creep up upon his home, and before he has time to take up his own arms, engage him in absolute, earth-scorching war. Leave the bloodied bodies of him and his family hanging in the trees near his home, to serve as a warning to those nearby, and your whole class will respect and fear you.

Either that, or threaten him, make promises to do things for him, and then break them, while still demanding he keep his end of the bargain, and stomp your feet and cry if he won't go out with you, and then threaten him again, and repeat this cycle until he goes out with you. It's surprisingly effective.

May you live Ten Thousand Years!

Kim Jong-il

Official: Turning Off Lights Easier Than Social Programs That Actually Support Families

2010-01-22T13:55:00.005+09:00

A Ministry of Health official explained the recent decision to turn off the lights in government buildings, sending workers home to make babies and increase Korea's abysmally low birthrate. "We think that turning off the lights will let people know it's time to go home and fuck. In fact, we were originally going to make that the slogan for what we're calling "Lights Off Wednesday" - originally, it was going to be called "Go Home and Fuck Day." We also considered "Paper Bag Wednesday" for all the people who no longer find their spouses sexually attractive.

The point of the day is to turn off lights in the offices, so that nobody can work late, and will go home. We are confident that our employees, Korea's best people, lack the creativity to think of anything else to do, other than go home and fuck."

Coming up with the idea of turning off the lights at 7pm on one Wednesday a month was a long, difficult process. The same ministry of Health official describes the intense brainstorming session that led to this latest brainwave.

"We were spitballing ideas that would make families have more children, and all kinds of stuff came up:

public awareness campaigns removing the stigma against out-of-wedlock births,

government support for single parents,

social programs providing free or drastically reduced daycare for working families,

government assistance to defray the costs of education,

improved education to remove the need to put kids through the prohibitively expensive hogwan system,

legal support for maternity leave, with guaranteed returns to work for mothers,

changes in the business culture so that working parents can leave work on time instead of feeling obligated to stay until the boss leaves, or go to office dinners every night

campaigns aimed at raising the status of labor jobs and skilled trades - so that parents no longer feel that they MUST force all their kids to compete to get into SNU,

offering balanced lifestyle and family budgeting counselling to help would-be parents plan for more than one child

university scholarships or tuition waiver programs for children from large families,

better legal protection for women who are railroaded into quitting their jobs after marrying or having a child,

bringing all the abandoned babies Korean men left behind in the Philippines to Korea

tax breaks or refunds for multi-child families,

introducing more lines of designer clothes for babies (for the Kangnam crowd)

encouraging in-country, and not just overseas adoption,

and pretty much every idea on this list, too.

"but when we looked at the possible costs of all these kinds of programs, we eliminated most of them, just because we're too cheap to ACTUALLY do anything...

"but fortunately for us, Jung Han-su, an entry-level civil servant, who didn't seem to be taking the brainstorming process very seriously, was calling out all kinds of ideas that were... a little unique... and after awhile, we realized that some of them, like government sponsored orgies and adding aphrodesiacs to the water supply, or adding fertility drugs to the recipe for kimchi, or showing more two-year-olds doing sexy dances on TV, so that viewers think it's cute and want to have babies so they can teach them sexy-dances, were obviously in jest, but other of his ideas were actually feasible. Laughing all the while, he offered up a few more suggestions to the room-full of exhausted ministry officials, and we finally boiled everything down to two really feasible, and not too expensive options:

1. turn off lights in office buildings at 7pm

2. manufacture and distribute faulty condoms around Korea

Now, given that foreigners are the only ones dirty and immoral enough to use condoms in Korea (only ones that need them, you know?), and distributing faulty ones would just increase the number of faulty, half-breed babies who have no Jung, we realized that turning off building lights was pure genius: rather than inflicting a heavy burden on taxpayers, the way most of those "social programs" would, "Lights Off Wednesday" the reduced electrical bills would actually SAVE taxpayer dollars! We made Jung Han-su supervisor of the new program: he's going to be throwing the circuit breaker in our ministry building himself every "Lights Out Wednesday" and he's happy about his promotion, though he won't stop smirking."

Government officials are hoping the "Lights Out Wednesdays" will have their intended effect of raising the birthrate: if it does not, the government might have to actually do something.

Meanwhile, three months before the "Lights Out Wednesdays" program was introduced, brothels near Seoul's business areas unveiled a "Purple Light Wednesday" discount, given that Wednesdays are traditionally slow days in Korea's brothels; the "Purple Light Wednesdays" coincidentally fall on the same days as "Lights Out Wednesdays," but government officials swear there is no connection between the two events.

A Primer on Korean Democracy for Developing Nations

2010-01-19T17:38:00.003+09:00

Korean scholar Youn Jung-suk, president of the Korean Legislative Studies Institute, suggests that Korean democracy is a good model for developing countries attempting to set a democracy of their own in place.

Here are some samples from the "How-To-Guide" he's sent to several Southeast Asian countries.

Taken from pages 212-215, the first pages of: Chapter Nine, "Now that Your Democracy Has been Established, and You No Longer Have To Massacre Your Citizens To Put Down Their Protests"

Materials needed:

Sledgehammers.

Outrageous costumes. (politicians who can fly optional)

Fire Extinguishers.

Cartoon Characters.

Candles.

Podiums that are defensible as fortress walls

Irony-free Josie and the Pussycats Remake Greenlighted. Working Title "K-Pop: The Movie"

2010-01-16T11:13:00.002+09:00

Josie and the Pussycats, the satirical 2001 comic book adaptation, in which an innocent, unknown band becomes part of a media hype machine, only to discover their music is being exploited as a platform to subliminally sell styles and products, will be re-made in Korea. Except, without irony, and brazen advertisement, instead of just satirical or subliminal product endorsements.

Of course, this will not be a straight re-make: while in the original Josie and the Pussycats film, the band played their own instruments, and valued their music and friendship above fame or money, and they were unaware that subliminal messages were being planted in their music and videos. In the remake, however, the band will be assembled through auditions of ten-year-olds, with training sequences reminiscent of the brutal child training sequences of movies like 300 and Ninja Assassin. Then, instead of being best friends, the lead characters will be placed in a huge all-girl pop group characterized by rivalry and back-biting rather than friendship and support.

Also, the original film contained a company logo or brand-name mention in nearly every frame of the film: this was an ironic reference to the commercialization of music, and a satirical running joke throughout the movie. The remake, funded by SM Entertainment, managers of Girls' Generation, will be doing the same thing, "But we've decided not to make it a running joke, and just make it into naked advertising plugs," SM Entertainment's media manager said. In fact, the movie's plot will incorporate several of our sponsors as well: instead of the friendship conflict caused in the original movie by the record company trying to make Josie a star above the other Pussycats, the new plot will revolve around an article in the newspaper saying that one of the group members (no spoilers: we won't say which one) is prettier than the others, at which time several of the other girls ponder plastic surgery in a montage of advertisements for plastic surgery clinics; then another of the girls gets a nicer phone than the other 8, leading to a shopping montage of all the girls romping around electronics shops trying out phones, mp3 players, and other new-generation handheld electronics. No Sony products or I-phones, though.

As seen in the above video, which doubles as a phone ad and a trailer for the film, there will be frequent instances of shaking the video camera as a substitute for actual dance moves. The re-make will also involve more dance moves involving pointing fingers, and camera poses that involve touching one's face in different places, with different fingers.

While one industry insider who pre-viewed the script of what will probably be released as "Jessica and the Third Generation Phone by LG," and dismissed it as "A two hour product placement interrupted by songs that are extended commercials," SM Entertainment responded to the critique by saying, "So?" The SM representative then slipped while stepping off the press conference podium, revealing the platform to have been a huge pile of cash.

M-Net to Wheel Comatose Lee Hyori Onstage During Music Awards

2010-01-16T11:05:00.003+09:00

(article and photo source)

While Lee Hyori has been getting sicker and sicker with exhaustion and malnutrition as she dieted and prepared for her solo concert, her promotion company, MNet Entertainment, has assured her loyal fans that they will indeed be seeing her during January.

"The doctors ordered ten days of complete bed-rest, but they never said we can't take the bed around and keep her usual schedule of fan appearances and performances. We've commissioned a special, 'sexy' hospital bed for her while she convalesces; it fits in the back of a tour van, and it kind of combines Segway technology with vital function monitors and a reclining "sexy" shaped mattress, with super-tight, sexy see-through blankets, so that Hyori can stay warm, while fans can still see the hot fashions she's rocking beneath her bedcovers while she recovers from pnuemonia. We've programmed her hospital bed to wheel through her dance routines, and choreographed some special hospital-themed dances so that fans will sympathize with her poor health. She's always lip-synched her songs, so she doesn't even need to wake up and sing for her performances, which we think is best for her health. Of course, we're very concerned about all the money we've invested in her. Fans will still be getting the pound of her flesh that they want. Acutally, not just a pound: she's lost seven kilograms since she got sick."

Hyori's loyal, sympathetic fans, left comments on her website.

"Hyori we love you. Please get better before Saturday's show. Do you know how much I paid for these tickets?"

"Hyori we hope your health will recover soon. We're rooting for you, so don't let your fans down, or you may as well kill yourself."

"Hyori: my fan club chapter is thrilled that you lost seven kilograms in one month: we're dying to know how WE can catch pnuemonia, too!"

"Get well soon, Lee Hyori, so you can return to your usual twenty-hour workdays of kowtowing to your fans' outrageous demands! You're the best! Just don't be sick for long: U-Ee's nipping at your heels, you know."

"It's good that you lost seven kilos. You were looking fat in your last few videos. Yeah, we noticed."

Here at Dokdo Is Ours, we also wish Hyori a quick recovery.

Hat Tip to The Korean

2010-01-15T00:39:00.002+09:00

Go to Ask A Korean! and read The Korean's translated North Korean jokes.

http://askakorean.blogspot.com/2010/01/ask-korean-news-north-korean-jokes.html

This Just In: Some Dumb People Think It's Cold

2010-01-14T16:37:00.001+09:00

Korea Times Rule of Journalism #43:

If it's been happening for a week, it might continue forever.

Is Current Cold Winter Ushering In 'Mini-Ice Age'?

Kim Yu-na to Change Spelling of Name to Improve Her Skating Results

2010-01-08T14:49:00.006+09:00

Kim Yu-na, the daughter of Jesus Christ, who is Korean, has been preparing for her shot at Olympic Gold in the 2010 Vancouver Games. Though too busy herself to grant an interview, Kim Yuna's mother spared some time to take some questions from Dokdo Is Ours. "Olympic Gold has always been a goal in the Kim house," Park Mee-hee explained. Just how true that was shocked this intrepid reporter.

"My husband and I only had sex during years when the child we had would have be at an age that gave her a chance at appearing in two Olympics - She'll be 20 for her first Olympics, but age 24 is not too old to contend and qualify in the 2014 games as well, in order to double her chance at winning gold. Though my husband didn't enjoy my refusal to have sex with him between the years 1987 and 1989, it was a sacrifice we both realized we had to make."

So before Queen Yuna was anything more than Queen Ovum, her mother's master plan had begun to unfold. "I used to press my ovaries up against the television when figure skating programs were on TV, before I conceived, and while I was pregnant with little Yu-na," Mrs. Park said. "Then, after going as far as we could in Korea, I looked overseas to find a foreign tutor for her. Though Canada had the world's best figure skating coaches, I'd heard stories online about Canadian teachers trying to have sex with their students, so I set out to find the gayest Canadian teacher I could, in order to make sure he would not try to have sex with my daughter."

Brian Orser was the Canadian they found, and after an awkward first conversation ("He was quite taken aback when I told him there were no gays in Korea," Mrs. Park explains) she convinced him to train her daughter, by setting up a tent outside his front door in Toronto, playing Pansori at high volume on a portable CD player, and refusing to leave for three months. "A mother has to do whatever she can for her daughter's education."

Brian Orser had nothing to say about the process of being recruited to train Yu-na, though he does acknowledge that Mrs. Park gave him a Korean nickname: "My name has so many R's, as you know, and R's are hard for many Koreans to pronounce, so she gave me a Korean name: 호모 - in English that's pronounced 'Ho-mo.' Sometimes she also just calls me 'the gay one.'"

Now, while following conventional training methods, like exercise, practice, mental focus exercises, not wasting her energy at less important tournaments like the Four Continents Championship, and not having sex with her Canadian teacher, Kim Yu-na also has another trick up her sleeve.

"We saw Topokki's new spelling set the world aflame with love for Korean food: we're really that the new spelling is what caused Korean food to become the seventh most popular world cuisine this year, according to a metric made up by Chang Tae-Pyeong; in order to tap that same kind of power for Yu-na's Olympic mission, the week before the Olympics' Opening Ceremony, we plan to change Kim Yu-na's name to Geem Yeon-ah. We're convinced this spelling will make her more familiar to the judges, and build her brand in their minds, which will give them a favorable disposition toward her during the competition."

While skating coach "The Gay One" is skeptical about whether the spelling change will increase his protege's chances of a gold medal, he is of the mind that Mrs. Park can do whatever she likes: "She will, anyway," as long as it doesn't take time away from Yu-na's training. "If the name-change were a ten-day ceremony during which she couldn't train, I'd be taking names and hunting heads, but as long as she's at the skating rink at 7 every morning, whatever keeps Mrs. Park running around town filling out name-change documents, instead of doing an impression of a bad hockey mom is fine with me. Who shouts 'Fight fight!' at figure skating practice anyway? Seriously!"

Korea Times School of Journalism: Rule 31

2010-01-01T19:24:00.002+09:00

The Korea Times School of Journalism:

You are already familiar with some of our rules, for example, "In the absence of an interview, it's OK to make up a quote" and "If I heard one person say it, or something like it one time, I'm allowed to pretend it's popular sentiment" and "If at any time during the interview, my subject says 'I think that's true', I can put that quote after any sentence I write, to make it sound like that's what the person said in my interview" and "Leaders of hate groups are to be quoted at every opportunity"... here, is rule 31 in our rigorous code.

If we want it to be true, we're allowed to report it as if it has already happened. For demonstrations of this principle at work:

Example one:
Korean Food to the World!

Example two:
Next 60 Years

choice cuts:

It is a small surprise then that the democracy fighter-turned-President Kim Dae-jung honed his self-taught English using The Korea Times, setting an early ― and landmark ― example of the use of English Newspaper In Education, or ENIE.

And you can too! For a small monthly payment...

Uncompromising Journalism

The death of former Managing Editor Choi Byeong-woo while covering the Taiwan Strait crisis in the 1950s, and the torture of another ex-managing editor, Hong Soon-il, by the state spy agency in the early 1970s in relation to a foreigner's contribution are but a few cases that demonstrate this paper's uncompromising practice of what journalism should be.

And in sixty more years, we'll STILL be patting ourselves on the back about that, beside Bat-Boy's opinion column and results proving the alien skeletons were Korean. You may not realize that former Managing Editor Choi Byeong-woo also pioneered The Korea Times' special journalistic technique of publishing pictures of movie starlets who weren't wearing their bras, including these classics of Marilyn Monroe from 1952.

Today's world is hard to survive in for old industries, harder for old media outlets that are bearing the brunt of rapid technological and social changes, and hardest for newspapers trying to maintain both journalistic and financial integrity.

The Korea Times will spare no efforts for following that tortuous path through ceaseless self-transformation but with an unchanging sense of mission to serve the widest scope of citizens possible, with the confidence that our readers will recognize and support such a struggle, as they have done in the past.

In Oriental philosophy, the 60th birthday carries a peculiar significance of returning to the very year one was born after passing a full sexagenarian cycle. This means the time has come for this newspaper to be born again as a more mature, respected but modest guardian and watchman of this society.

If we want it to be true, we can report it as if it already happened.

Example three:
Korea to Witness Emergence of Global Newspaper

choice cuts:

National Assembly Speaker Kim Hyong-o has expressed his optimism that The Korea Times, which marks its 60th anniversary this year, is poised to become a global newspaper in line with growing worldwide demand for reliable, in-depth information about Korea.

(Play a game of spot the irony:)

The parliamentary leader noted that this demographic shift will bring profound changes to society, making the country enter a new era of multiculturalism.

``If Korea cannot resist the change, it should better adjust itself to cope with the evolving circumstances,'' Kim said, adding that The Korea Times should become the voice of migrants and minorities here.

If we want it to be true, we are allowed to report it as if it had already happened:

Example four:
Setting The Record Straight

I hope they understand my meaning when I say that The Korea Times is certainly the most incredible paper I've read in a long, long time!

Explaining Korean Culture to Foreigners: You know Korean Culture better than you think!

2009-12-23T16:30:00.008+09:00

Hello Everyone. Everybody is always asks me to explain Korean culture to them. But really, they already know Korean culture: just they don't realize it! Here are some short videos to explain how things that are already familiar to them actually belong to Korea:

We plan to start asking for royalties in 2011, and start a new promotion: "Visit Korea: Your True Home" Year for the year 2012-2018.

special thanks to the scholars on Youtube.

Lee MyungBak: Multicultural Korea Welcomes Everyone -- "Even Darkies"

2009-12-22T00:59:00.005+09:00

In conjunction with recent efforts to re-brand and globalize different aspects of Korean society, Korean president Lee Myung-bak made a stirring speech on Monday, inviting the diverse peoples living in Korea to participate actively in Korean society.

"We want to welcome all different people to join in making Korea great. Even darkies." President Lee Myung-bak said. "These days there have been some controversies about foreigners in Korea, and blatant racism, for example assaults on city buses; however, we want to make it clear that that guy won his case, and therefore Korea is now safe for foreigners to visit, without absolutely no risk of harassment.

"The fact is, we need foreigners these days: now that the birthrate is so low, we need people from inferior countries to work the jobs that are looked down upon, in order to prop up our economy and birthrate, and help our country remain superior to the home countries of those factory workers and foreign brides. Maintaining our standing as one of the world's developed nation means so much to us that we are even willing to sully the pure Korean bloodline in order to maintain it.

"Toward this end, we welcome any strong-backed male who does not wish to marry Korean women -- especially eunuchs, but even darkies -- as well as any non-Korean woman who is willing to marry a Korean man, and we leave the type of woman we welcome entirely up to the discretion of the Korean men, to choose whom they like, and turn up their noses at those they dislike. So probably no fatties.

You're especially welcome if you win a superbowl.

"We welcome your dirty-blooded mixed children into our factories, and we look forward to them playing an important role in Korean society, as building security guards, as trash collectors and gum-vendors, taxi and hogwan bus-drivers, and as sweet-hearted idiot sports team mascots, once the current generation of seniors, who currently play those roles, die off. We welcome the Western investor's money, we welcome the English teacher's... blue eyes... tank tops... and... grammar corrections... as well as the money their drug and HIV testing fees bring in. Yeah. We guess we appreciate those.

Yes," and here Lee Myung-bak stepped out from behind his podium, raising his hands above his heads. "We welcome wops, mics, honkies, mungs, gooks, jerries, frogs, rag-heads, darkies, wiggers, and mutts of any kind ... but not japs. Unless they're tourists with their wallets open. We welcome you all to Korea: a truly modern, open society!"

The press room stood and applauded, both for the president, and for Korea's future, as home for the full rainbow of inferior races, ready to be exploited for the benefit of the motherland.

Guest Editorial from The Korea Times' Leaky Frappucino Cap

2009-12-20T12:31:00.004+09:00

Setting the Record Straight

Starbucks Korea has recently learned about some "misunderstandings" regarding our line of to-go drinks, and our frappucino caps in particular.

Rather than name names or nitpick about the exact details, we would like to take a moment to explain ourselves. First of all, our Frappucino has its own good reasons for being leaky. In fact, to defend himself, in his own words, here is our frappucino himself.

"Hi. I'm a bottled Starbucks Frappucino. I'm so fresh I should be called bottled Freshuccino. I know that people have been blaming me for a lot of bad stuff, like soiling the pants of my golfing drinkers, or inconveniently, but seriously, nobody understands me. Listen, do you know what I've been through before you drink me down and toss me away, in a tawdry "Whappuccino, bappuccino, thank you frappuccino"? I live a hard life. My drinky goodness is heated to crazy hot temperatures in a horrific process called "pasteurization" -- believe me, for packaged drinks, pasteurization is like military service for Korean men: we're never the same again. Then, the lid is jammed clumsily onto me, by a big machine that doesn't even introduce itself. Those of us who don't survive pasteurization and bottling have our shattered wrecks brushed aside and left on the assembly line floor, like a warning to the rest of us. Being crammed in a box with more of my kind, shipped in the dark, stored in the cold, and then drunk and discarded: seriously, we could go for a little sympathy, instead of a bunch of whining that we're a bit leaky. You'd be leaky, too.

Plus, my parents never loved me.

So next time your frappucino bottle leaks on your gym shorts, instead of swearing and cursing me, why don't you slow down, take a look at me, and maybe offer up a little TLC, or some sympathy. It might not mean a lot to you, but after the crappy life I've had, I'm about to go hide on a beach somewhere to cut someone's foot. And it'd be your fault."

The Korea Times: there might be a rapist at work in your neighborhood, but Demi Moore just got plastic surgery.

How about our new slogan?

backdoorman@koreatimes.co.kr

Setting The Record Straight

2009-12-16T15:35:00.004+09:00

ht: The Artist Formerly Known As Korea Beat

Setting the Record Straight Part II: We Demand To Be Taken Seriously
(read part 1)

By Oh Young-jin
City Editor

Despite our best Jedi Mind Trick of telling our readers that we're a good paper, because we say we're a good paper, certain "misunderstandings" about The Korea Times persist, regarding our coverage of news in general, and English teachers and celebrities in particular.

Rather than nitpick over the contents of articles seem to be the basis for expat criticism, rather than defend point-by-point the stories we have found compelling and vital to report, for example pictures of Tiger Woods' pornstar girlfriends, and to-the-minute coverage on which western and Korean stars will have onscreen kisses or pose nude, we would like to share with our readers some principles this newspaper operates by.

Above all, we believe that a newspaper is a marketplace. In other words, to get more hits and increase our advertising revenue, we must try to publish hard-hitting news that random googlers and Koreaphiles might want to read. We emphasize the word, "try," because it is hard these days to steal trashy hits from Perez Hilton, or classy hits from The New York Times. The objectivity in news coverage can be a matter of subjectivity from the perspective of the parties directly involved in a given perspective, and subjective perspectives of objective subjects can be uncoverable in objective coverage, subjectively. After all, journalists are only human.

Our journalists believe the size of Keira Knightley's breasts is an important issuer for many of our readers, and the possibility Keira posing nude is important for Korean culture, even though he does not have the large breasts Koreans traditionally expect in foreign men. It is important that this is the first time he will appear nude ~~other than in Domino, Edge of Love, The Hole, and Silk, and the cover of Vanity Fair~~ Similarly, our audiences want to know what Sharon Stone looks like without makeup, even if some "bloggers" think this is just filler. What will they think when we publish next month's Before and After Plastic Surgery photo series?

More to the point, something happens, and it seems like a good story, and we received it by e-mail from another source which has its own webpage, our extensive vetting process has been completed, and if it seems like it will attract readers, it is our duty as a news organization to publish it. We fail to see how readers cannot understand that. Mark our words: in two weeks, when the whole world is buzzing about the 500-Year-Old Alien Graveyard found in Rwanda, The Korea Times will be on everyone's lips, as the first legitimate source to break the story after the Weekly World' News's in depth feature (stay tuned for a weekly column about Korea from Bat Boy). It is our duty, as a socially responsible paper, to attempt to turn the tide against out-of-control feminism in Korea: 115th in the Gender Empowerment Measure is twentieth from the bottom of the list, but we believe Korea is capable of beating out ALL other countries in the race to be number one. Screw you, Burkina-Faso!

Some have also criticized The Korea Times for its proofreading and editing; however, Bonzo the chimp wishes you to know that he works tirelessly to present articles that are flawless, in his mind. We know how to spell salaciuss as well as the next guy.

We believe that we must respond to allegations that our quality has been sliding lately, now that our advertising sponsors have contacted us. It is time to reassert our credibility as a news agency, by telling you that we are credible, and to reassert our professionalism by telling you that we are proffesioanll. Now we can send a copy of this article to our advertisers, to reassure them. After all, if it's in a newspaper, it must be right.

If you can find another news source that is more reigorus in fact checking and proofreading than we are, that is more eager to print corrections (of our readers) when they are found to be in error, we would like to hear about them: after phoning the head of Anti-English Spectrum, and sending unanswered text messages to Korean immigrants living in the towns that are headquarters to the world's most prestigious news sources, we have not heard report of one paper that is more rigorous or pfrofsesionar than we are. In fact, we appear to be in the top one percentile in a random survey of Korea Times staff members.

We have made extra effort to endure that our agendas are not hidden. How can you accuse us of having hidden agendas? We have foreign employees who check all our articles for integrity, authenticity, and verifiability. It's hard for Emma, whose father works for the British Embassy, to get all that work done after school, but she is well compensated for it, and if you cannot see the fruit of her work, you are not looking hard enough: we looked bloody hard to find cops who would say 90% of English teachers used marijuana; you could at least do us the courtesy of looking equally hard for fairness and correctness in our reporting.

Importantly, The Korea Times keeps its doors open to any suggestion, believing that the newspaper business is a two-way street; our role is not just the provider of news but the recipient of reactions. This is why we have opened up our pages to ~~free content~~ feedback from readers numerous times, though of course we sometimes cannot print your letters, if they are not positive. Sometimes instead we must write an editorial like this to correct your wrong perception of us. Please understand our situation.

We have tried to help you, poor foreigners. We know you are lonely and frustrated because you're basically retard-babies stumbling around Korea like assholes. We have reached out to you as kindly as we can, and we have tried to put you in our shoes, but stop being so sensitive, just because our articles have been enabling anti-foreign bias in English-reading Koreans... who really cares about that anyway: the real racists are the ones who can't read or speak English at all, so why don't you chill out, and if you don't want to take us seriously, you can go home.

Finally, you must understand that, with a recent bill proposing to increase funding for English language papers in Korea, we feel that we could best serve the English language community in Korea by definitively proving the NEED for such increased funding, by presenting the crappiest, least credible "window for the world to Korea" we can, in order to get more funding, and be able to offer better coverage.

If you have problems with this, or any other article at The Korea Times, you can write any of the editoral staff at our e-mail addresses, as below:

foolsdie@koreatimes.co.kr
hotforteacher@koreatimes.co.kr
hugethrobbingrooster@koreatimes.co.kr
pornstarontheprowl@koreatimes.co.kr

Shopkeeper's Mind Blown Upon Discovering There Are Four Christmas Songs

2009-12-14T19:44:00.010+09:00

Shopkeeper Ha Jung-mi, manager of an Olive Young cosmetics franchise, had to close down her shop and take three days off for "mental recovery" after having her mind blown. The 41 year-old small business owner was putting together a playlist CD for her shop speaker system.

"I had a great playlist. It might have been the most complete and comprehensive playlist of Christmas music ever made. It went like this:

All I want for Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey
Last Christmas - Rain
O Holy Night - DBSK and Boa
Last Christmas - Once Again and Ju Bora
All I want for Christmas is You - from Love Actually
Last Christmas - George Michael and Wham!
All I Want for Christmas is You - Jang Dong Won (see above)
Last Christmas - BoA
O Holy Night - Fly To The Sky
Last Christmas - Rumblefish
All I Want for Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey
Last Christmas - (instrumental)
Last Christmas + All I Want for Christmas is You Medley (by jared leto)
O Holy Night - Mariah Carey
All I want for Christmas Is You - K-pop Disco Version

But then, Jung-mi did a search online for another version of O Holy Night, to round out her playlist and balance all the "Last Christmas"es, and, as she says,

"My whole world started wavering... it turns out there are actually FOUR Christmas songs, not just three -- that's 33% more than I ever realized! Can you imagine if you suddenly discovered you were making 33% more profit than you'd realized? Can you imagine if you discovered you had 33% more hand-lotions and facial creams in your storage room? It'd be a huge party!"

Jung-mi had discovered another Christmas song. As word spreads, all of Korea is rocking with this shocking discovery.

"I had no idea there was this other Christmas song: it turns out that to fill out their last Christmas album, TVXQ/DBSK/Dongbangshingi actually wrote this other song, called "Silent Night" -- it's quite pretty, actually. I'm just so amazed, I mean, they could have just filled in the rest of their Christmas album by doing 'All I Want for Christmas is You' or 'Last Christmas,' or maybe some instrumentals and remixes of "O Holy Night," but instead they went and wrote this whole other Christmas song!"

And what does Jung-mi think of this new Christmas song?

"Well, it's pretty, but "All I Want for Christmas" and especially "Last Christmas" are just much older songs, so in my opinion they have more deep feeling than this 'silent night' ditty. However, as time goes by, it may join the ranks of those Christmas classics, and become more meaningful."

It may, it may. And the world will have Dongbangshingi to thank for bringing so much to Christmas music, and contributing to all our holiday spirits.

PS: every cover of Last Christmas. You can thank me later, Korea

Haha Geureat Kechupi page six is arrive.

2009-12-14T19:40:00.001+09:00

Thank to Chris Packe for page six. And now go reading!

Prioritized List: How to Help Foreigners Adjust to Life In Korea

2009-12-10T13:07:00.004+09:00

Note: the higher the item is on the list, the more important we believe it is in helping expats adjust to Korean life.

For more information, see article.

Top Priority: in the brochure:

Tie: 1. make kimchi; Korea has four seasons; can you eat spicy food?; visit palaces; dokdo belongs to Korea, Hangul is the greatest alphabet in the history of anything
2. dokdo belongs to Korea
3. fold paper into animal shapes (NOT origami)
4. class in Korean poetry
5. Japan is bad
6. learn the Dangun myth; did we mention Hangul is great?
7. make more kimchi, and cooking other Korean dishes to please your husband

Second level: digging deeper

8. Korea is 5000 years old
9. Korean family values are better than yours
10. make Korean folding screens
11. learn types of Korean samul-nori drums, and how to play janggu
12. beauty of Hanbok
13. making hanbok
14. dancing in hanbok
15. history of Korean war and hating America

Third level: How long have you been here? You're practically Korean!

16. how to please Korean husband
17. you must have done something to make him hit you
18. knowing your proper place
19. submit to mother-in-law
20. why are you bad, disobedient wife and daughter-in-law?
21. visiting filming sites of Korean Wave dramas and movies
22. how to eat spicy food
23. reasons to hate Japan
24. Samsung is better than Sony
25. why you got quoted a higher first price than that Korean guy
26. make more kimchi
27. health benefits of kimchi
28. history of kimchi
29. Korean pride of kimchi
30. whew! I think I need to make more kimchi after all that
31. get photographed making kimchi
32. make a half-korean baby

Fourth level: filling in the corners, explaining the nuances

33. he was drunk and he probably had a hard life. He didn't know what he was doing
34. language class: how to say nice things about Korea
35. we don't like talking about North Korea
36. (if female) be on Misuda
37. why your darker south-asian skin is bad
38. how to pleasantly accept our condescending behavior toward you
39. getting a bank account and credit card
40. more about that old guy who smells funny and keeps approaching you in the street
41. why being foreign means you don't deserve the more convenient phone plan
42. Korean language: how to bad-mouth English teachers and Japan
43. why your baby is not Korean enough

Fifth level: well fine, since you keep asking

44. finding an apartment
45. things to expect from your mother-in-law once you bear her son's child
46. things to expect from your husband once you bear his child
47. homeschooling options because your baby is half-korean 왕따 (outcast) in school
48. make kimchi
49. reasons to hate Japan
50. how to hide the shame that you're not Korean from your daughter's classmates' mothers
51. Korean language lessons (polite conversation)

Sixth level: You're going to have to ask another foreigner. We've got nothing about that, and we doubt it actually happens

52. how not to get beat up when seen in public with a Korean female
53. how to prove you're not a Russian whore before admittance into a hospital
54. where to get legal advice about exploitative employer
55. how to help my kid speak better Korean
56. resolving landlord disputes
57. contacting rape help center
58. why being assaulted was your fault
59. Korean women are very beautiful
60. contacting your country's embassy
61. how to leave undesirable job situation
62. how to report domestic abuse to police
63. make more kimchi
64. contact Korean Human Rights agencies
65. dokdo belongs to Korea
66. your legal rights in Korea
67. Korean language lessons (explain your complaint to the police)
68. blood-money should be enough to satisfy you
69. location of shelters and welfare groups for battered women
70. divorce abusive husband
71. escape from human traffickers
72. Korean language lessons (refuse to be strong-armed by police into dropping charges)

Repeal of Law Against Promising Marriage for Sex Will Unravel Our Nation's Moral Fiber

2009-12-01T00:03:00.002+09:00

(don't forget: claim your pages for Deo Geuraeteu Kechupi Ploject)

I'm a good Korean man. I paid my dues as a Korean male: I downed shots at my managers' orders, and waited my turn to force other entry-level workers to drink until they couldn't move. I forced my wife to quit her job like a dutiful bread-winner would, and I conscientiously cover my tracks when I go whoring, in order to avoid shaming my wife. I gave a false name to that Philippino lady, so that she'll never be able to track me down for paternity payments after I nailed her without a condom for that week I went on a golfing vacation, so that my family's will not be dishonored.

And it is because of my strong family values that I am upset, nay, shocked, that the Constitutional Court has repealed the law that punishes men for promising marriage in order to get women to have sex.

You see, first of all, the kind of men who do this deserve to be punished: they have their social order all mixed up. Everybody knows that the fun girls who are sex partners don't need promises of marriage to put out: just a bit of alcohol and flattery, or some money. If men are dumb enough not to be able to differentiate the "Good Marriage Prospect" girls from the "Fun Time Easy Girls," here are some tips they can follow:

1. If her skirt is below mid-thigh, she is unlikely to be a fun-time girl.
2. If she is backlit by a room full of purple lights, and sitting in a window on a stool, she is a fun-time girl.
3. If you met her in church, she is... probably not... a fun-time girl.
4. If she wants you to meet her parents, she is a marriage prospect.
5. If she is in high school, and you met her online, she is a fun-time girl.

Any man who cannot tell who are fun-time girls and who are not, is a darn fool... or he is simply too cheap to follow the natural order of Korean society, and pay for sex from the proper class of female. He should indeed be punished for trying to get things for free, by trying to make a fun-time girl think he considers her a good marriage prospect. This law blurs the line between the different classes of girls, and will lead to social chaos.

If we allow men to lure women into bed by promising marriage, imagine the kind of society we will have! Rich young men will drive down the street, leering out their car windows and proposing marriage to any girl they see. Those poor ignorant females will not know who is sincere and who is lying, and the lure of their fancy cars will blind them to their normal common sense. Respectable young ladies will be besmirched, rather than just the easy fun-time sex partners, and soon there will be no pure virgins for men to marry, after they have had their fun boinking the fun-time girls.

Next, those goodwives, who used to know their place, will want to keep working after they have babies, and may stop being satisfied with brand name fixations and Korean Television Dramas, those mind-numbing opiates that have kept them from eclipsing men in Korean society so far. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it! If the family goes topsy-turvy, next kids without academic talent might choose to go into useful skilled trades, instead of failing ultra-competitive tests, time and time again. They might start wanting to live alone, or make dating, education, or work choices that make them independent and happy, rather than choosing the options that give their parents optimum bragging rights. Confucius' Bones! What is the world coming to!

The Ministry of Gender Equality must act immediately to restore Korea's social order and family values, so that the different calibers of women remain in their proper spheres, and the good looking and well-educated men of Korea can continue browbeating their proper wives into quitting their jobs after they have babies, and putting their educations and career potentials where they belong: on the shelf.

Fortunately, there are still a few lies that are illegal to tell, when trying to lure a Korean woman into bed.

1. I'll pay you when we're done. (better not lie: pay what was promised)
2. This is my Equus, not my father's.
3. No, I'm sure it's legal at your age.
4. Don't worry: it's perfectly safe to ride behind me without a helmet. I'm an excellent scooter driver.
5. My father's the owner: that's why I'm doing deliveries for this restaurant.
6. I think that English teacher dropped something in your drink.
7. Don't make that face: it grows when it gets hard. (yes, I went there)

If these lies also become legal, it will be utter chaos in Korea!

As a Public Service Announcement, you should know that it is, however, legal to seduce a woman by saying:
1. "No, no. These cocktails are no stronger than the beer I'm drinking."
and
2. "I'm just bringing you to this motel so you can sleep it off."

Introducing The Great Gatsby Project

2009-11-28T14:28:00.002+09:00

Dear Readers:

I have been inspired.

You see, between the LOLCATS Bible translating the bible into LOLCat speak, and Koreangov's new blog, which demonstrates the amazing skill of writing English that has obviously been translated from Korean, even when it actually hasn't, it is time to try a bit of our own, here at Dokdo Is Ours.

I would like to introduce to you "Deo Geureat Kechupi Ploject," a collaborative effort to translate F. Scott Fitzgerald's immortal classic "The Great Gatsby" into that charming dialect of English that comes of translating Korean into English. Badly.

However, seeing as I have a job and stuff, I can't do it all alone, so over at Deo Geureat Kechupi Ploject, you can claim a page of the book for your own, and try to write a funnier mis-translation than I can. Send an e-mail to dokdoisours at gmail dot com to claim a page: we're using pages as numbered in this version of the book, and watch as the entire book gets published in mistranslationese. I'll name the translator on each page (if they wish to be named), and here at DIO, we dare you to write a page of a classic novel, in a style funnier than KoreanGov's blog. We triple-dog-dare you. That's right, readers: you've enjoyed reading this blog for a while, and we're glad about that. But here's your chance to add to the joy that is satirizing Korea, by sending in your own page, and contributing to this great project.

At the end, if the response is good, we'll have an online vote for the funniest page of mistranslation, with possible prizes to be won, and lots of honor and glory to be had as well!

Stay tuned for page one, which yours truly has claimed.... if you want to join in the fun, send me an e-mail, and I'll give you a page number, or you can ask for your own, and if it hasn't been claimed already, it's yours.

So get in there!

In The Style Ask The Expat's Troll Would Prefer

2009-11-26T23:02:00.002+09:00

A shrewd, and insightful anus-nymous writer over at Ask The Expat has graced us with a question as insightful as any aphorism in the Tao Te Ching.

From the golden pen, the glorious keyboard, of Analnymous, comes the questions:

"Why are you dick bloggers such arrogant dicks? No one cares what you dicks think."

Sweet.

As a blogger myself, this sage question has gotten me to thinking about how I blog, so it's time to introduce a non-arrogant dick blog, who writes exactly in the way anus-nymous purportedly wants.

I'll choose a typical topic, to get warmed up.

Hi there my obviously smarter than me even though I've never heard of you readers. The topic I would like to write about today, if it doesn't bother you all too much, and especially if it doesn't make me come across as an arrogant dick, I'd like to not be TOO wrong about Korea's test culture.

As you can see much better than I can, all you people who have been here longer, write better, are humbler, and smarter, have better grammar, and know more about Korea than I do, Korea's education, if I dare say, is different from you knew it in North America... I hope I haven't offended any of you by writing for the large number of my readers who ARE from North America, you specifically may not be.

Now, Korea has a test culture. While I don't know much about it, I do know that I am an ignoramus. Also, Koreans like tests. A lot of tests. Really, I'm nervous to say anything more than that, for fear that I reveal my stupidity. Honestly, I wish I weren't such an egomaniac, so focused on promoting my ideas. I swallow my words, and honestly, the main thing I want to do is just hand this blog over to anonymous people.

You see, as I think about it more, it is way, way more honorable to lurk silently online, to anonymously read the stuff another person works to write, and call it crap, and disparage the characters of those who write them. Really, they are so brave to not write anything of their own -- it must be taken as a sign of true honor that they value their words too highly to spread them meaninglessly on the internet. Frankly, the amount of disdain they pile on our blogs, despite the time and effort we put into them, only shows how much cooler they are than us: too cool even to have their own blog, where they talk about their own, way awesomer ideas than ours. Really, offering up real names and standing by those names is for saps. User IDs and recognizable identification is simply a cop-out for those of us too lame to remain nameless. I can't believe some bloggers don't allow anonymous commenters to comment on their blogs. How lame.

Anyway, I just wish I had people as smart as Anus-nymous, who is probably a ninja, calling me a dick on MY blog, because I could sure use the humbling experience. It would also save him the time of writing his own blog, if he just came and shat on the comment board of my blog. That would be great. I'd even feel cool by association just by having him put his smart stuff on my comment boards.

Initial Brainstorming Session for "Scent of Korea in a Bottle"

2009-11-23T09:08:00.002+09:00

After traveling to Korea and following his nose around, Francois Demachy, a Christian Dior perfumer, has announced his intention to create a fragrance evocative of Korea's unique landascape.

Here is the initial list of distinctive smells he jotted down in his notepad, before beginning the process of elimination, along with an X beside the smells he ruled out.

garlic X

Jeju Island oranges

stylish women wearing three brand-name fragrances at a time X

raw sewage from storm drains X

rapid industrialization (smells a bit like engine oil) X

persimmons

destruction of wetlands X

soju hangover X

hobo fights in Tapgol Park X

sesame leaf X

makkeolli burps X

mountain rose (mugunghwa)

Louis Vuitton handbags X

Louis Vuitton fakes X

teolmeowi

bbundaegi (silkworm larvae) X

national pride (smells like roasted peacock turds; as a Frenchman, it took him a while to identify) X

vomit on sidewalks X

garlic X

old men with soju and dried squid breath X

recycled side dishes X

dokdo (smells like seagull shit) X

garlic X

bulgogi farts X

the restauranteur who ripped him off X (one of the last to be eliminated)

garlic X

cherry blossoms

street food X

seawater

street vendors X

dwenjang jigae X

instant coffee

garlic

street people X

kids who believe washing their hair will make them fail the test X

kimchi farts X

car exhaust from assholes driving their mercedes' around just to be stared at X

do you know chunggyecheon?

chrysanthemums

Transcript: How Lee Myung-bak Imagined His Lunch with Barack Obama Would Go

2009-11-20T18:34:00.003+09:00

Balack Obamer: . . . so then I told the President of Japan, "If you call Dokdo 'Takashima' again, I'll nuke Hiroshima a second time, bitch! He cried like a war crime-victim and signed an apology in full to the comfort women including financial reparations, and signed over Dokdo to Korea... he even threw Tsushima-- that's Daemado now -- in for free, just because he felt bad.

LMB: Ah. Your anecdotes bore me, Mr. Obama. Please, let's talk about the Free Trade Agreement.

BO: Yes, yes. You know, my wife Michelle bought a Hyundai during our campaign, and we've been so impressed by its performance that we've decided to give Korea unfettered access to the American market, and to stop trying to export cars and phones to Korea: we understand that Korea is very small, and has many people, so it's very competitive, so there's no need to clutter the Korean market with inferior American cars. You won't have to worry about that anymore. We might close down GM entirely, or let KIA take it over.

LMB: I will only accept those terms if you insist that all computers in The United States reverts to Internet Explorer 6.

BO: Done! Oh dear lord! What is this fiery, spicy vegetable side dish? My mouth is burning like fire!

LMB: Aha! I was wondering when you were going to ask about that.

BO: Please! Don't keep me in suspense!

LMB: It's kimchi! Frankly speaking, it's Korea's signature dish!

BO: Ooh! What was that clever turn of phrase you just used?

LMB: Do you mean... frankly speaking?

BO: Yes! Yes! I really like that! I'll use that more often in my own daily conversations from now on. Please, can you tell me more about kimchi? How many different kinds of kimchi are there?

LMB: Well, there IS some debate on that point. Without factoring in regional variations and family recipes, there are at least a hundred types of kimchi.

BO: I want to try them all!

LMB: Let me finish.

BO: Sorry. My bad.

LMB: However, some estimate there to be as many as four or five hundred types of kimchi.

BO: That's amazing. You know, I bet other countries are constantly trying to pass off inferior imitations of kimchi as their own national dishes, but they're never fermented properly, or full of maggots, or mispronounced.

LMB: As a matter of fact, you're right about that.

BO: Say, you know what's funny? I was talking with the Presidents of China and Japan about franchise restaurants, and I could barely understand them when they said the word "McDonalds" -- yet when I spoke with you earlier, I could understand your pronunciation of the word on the very first try. What clever trick of the Korean language allows you to pronounce words in other languages so accurately?

LMB: Would you like to know?

BO: Oh, I do, I do!

LMB: Well, it started a long long time ago, with a man named Sejong...

(much, much later)

LMB: ... and Lee Sunshin killed more Japanese than any other Korean, and that's why he's our country's greatest hero.

BO: Amazing! After hearing that story, I plan on changing the Lincoln Memorial into a monument for Lee Sunshin.

LMB: No, no, Mr. Balack. you should keep the Lincoln Memorial as it is. Your little American people seem to like him.

BO: You know, I've been thinking of making Korean language a requirement in the American school curriculum. Do you have any more of that kimchi stuff?

(thanks to @koreangov for the idea; for more on the ~~Obama-Lee~~ Lee-Obama summit, see his/her brand-new blog)

First Draft of Korea Times Article "Koreans 'Double Standards' In Hopsitality"

2009-11-16T12:46:00.002+09:00

Final draft can be read here.

Congratulations to Kim Tong-hyung, for submitting 500 plus words on this topic without mentioning skin color once.

First Draft:

Korea Hospitality Only For White Foreigners

A survey have expose the Korea Tourism feeling to good treatment only white people not brown people tourists. Everybody know Korea hospitality best hospitality if family visit or teacher come to house and eat bulgogi, maybe offer daughter to government official. But survey from Korea Culture and Tourism Institute with 5800 foreigners show also white people get Korea hospitality and not brown people.

But Dark Skin Asian people and dirty Chinese less than Korea hospitality good impression of it. Its because of they culture more like us so expect Korea hospitality is nothing special maybe. But really because brown skin. Or maybe it because they come here for more specific reason, like expect to meet Lee Young-ae and Hallyu star handsome people but instead old man smell like squid is follow them and shout "Dokdo is Korea land!" Also Hong Kong people is like shopping and Japan people is like food.

Survey is one problem though: neglectful to ask most two important question that:

"How much is Korea better than your country?"
A. 150-170% better than my country
B. 180-210% better than my country
C. 220-250% better than my country
D. more than 250% better than my country

and

That kimchi is spicy, isn't it?
A. Yes. It's much too spicy for me.
B. Yes. Koreans must be very strong and have amazing stamina, to eat such spicy food with every meal.
C. Yes. It's so spicy I wish to offer my home-country's sovereignty to Korea, just to stop the burning sensation in my mouth.
D. Yes. I wish to hear you speak about the virtues and flavor of Kimchi for thirty minutes. Please tell me: exactly how many different kinds of kimchi are there?

Interview with Sang Hyun-joon, Korea's Top Fawner

2009-11-14T13:25:00.000+09:00

Sang Hyun-joon comes across as a normal man, at first. He is of medium build, his haircut is a five dollar Blue Club special. His glasses make him seem like a man more comfortable in a library than a night club. But when he opens his mouth, something about him changes.

"In all the auspicious history of this great restaurant district, truly, we have not seen a bori-bap so succulent."

Yes, Sang Hyun-joon is Korea's top pangyrist -- he's the one who writes, either directly or through ghost-writing, the best and most orgasmic articles trumpeting the greatness of Korean culture, athletics, politics, finances, and whatever else is going well.

You've probably read his work. More than once.

"All the world stops to hear the announcement: it is true that more than ever before, I write under more than a dozen different pen names: I might be world's top writer in terms of different pen names. Number one!"

Sang has always had this gift. The first composition he wrote in elementary school described how his teacher would be the one to usher in a golden age for Korean education, and his sister charmingly complains that their mother never became a better cook, because Hyun-joon's breathless praise made her complacent, and she never improved.

Sang might be best known for his work praising sports stars, like Park Jisung, Kim Yuna, Park Seri, and Park Chanho, and he's particularly proud of a "Look out, MMA, Here comes Choi Hong-man" article he wrote after Choi's spectacular win against Jose Canseco. However, the writer claims he doesn't have any strong preference for what he likes to fawn over best.

"Finance, Korean companies, politicians, athletes, tycoons, scientists -- I'll write about'em all. Ditto for culture and natural features -- pansoori, K-pop, dramas and movies, film directors, mountains, wetlands, minefields, massacre sites, four seasons, spicy food -- I've done it all, and I'll do it all again. That is the greatness of Korean everything. I really never tire of thinking about my country and culture, and how awesome it is. Sometimes it makes me want to explode."

When asked to let us in on the secrets of the trade, he said, "Study superlatives, and bring in Japan or America anytime Korea compares favorably to them. Also, never give an individual credit if you can instead attribute their success to some national characteristic -- Hwang Woo-suk's success was due to Korean skill with chopsticks; Korean women golf well because of their relationships with their fathers (notice how I managed to give credit to Korean men after all there?) Kim Yuna succeeded because of her Korean Mother's love, and Park Tae-hwan has more jung."

With this amazing skill for making things sound like the greatest in the world, one must wonder whether Sang never tried to sell his skill to other countries. "I'm sure my skill would be one of the world's most desirable talents, truly a singular feature among world talents. "A few countries and non-Korean companies have tried to hire me... but I had to cancel the contracts. I just couldn't write anything, and the most positive adjective I could think of was 'crummy'"

Yes, once again, the world will have to stand at the outside looking in, as the world's greatest hype-writer, much like the world's greatest swimmer*, the world's greatest female figure skater, the world's greatest slow-moving MMA fighter, the world's greatest despot, the world's greatest cellphone producer, the world's greatest awkwardly large boy-band, the world's greatest ultra-violent filmmaker, and the world's greatest internet e-mail army, all belong to Korea.

*other than Michael Phelps

Other New Proposed Commercial and Cultural Holidays for November

2009-11-11T20:50:00.005+09:00

November 1:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Corrupt C.E.O Pardon Day

November 2:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Grab a Foreigner's Love Handles Day

November 3:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Plastic Surgery Day

November 4:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Pirated Internet Porn Day

November 5:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Internet Explorer 6 Day (With ActiveX Control and Free Security Updates)

November 6:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Shop At A Korean Company That Uses English Names Koreans Can't Pronounce Day

November 7:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Products Endorsed by Girls Generation Day

November 8:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Internet Addiction Day

November 9:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Cheat At Cards Day (Casinos Closed)

November 10:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Get Blitzed Out of your F$^@ing Mind Day (We needed another: Every Friday wasn't enough)

November 11: Nonproductive hangover day.
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: You can use chopsticks really well! Day

November 12:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Frankly Speaking Day

November 13:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Foist Korean Culture Upon Foreigners Who Are More Interested in Other Stuff Day (aka Pansoori Day)

November 14:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Korean Culture That Foreigners Actually Find Interesting But We're Ashamed of It Because It Reminds Us That Korea Used To Be Poor Day (aka Budaejigae, Country Restaurant, and Street Food Day)

November 15:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Hug a B-Boy Day

November 16:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: I'm Afraid of Aprika People Day (aka Multiculturalism Day)

November 17:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Cellphone Accessory Day

November 18:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Adulate Chan-ho Park Day (every year a different hero will be chosen to adulate)

November 19:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Kimchi is Spicy Day

November 20:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Gender Discrimination Day

November 21:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: "You should eat more" and "You're so fat" Day (a.k.a. Korean Mother Day)

November 22:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: White Envelope Day (bribe a teacher or a public official)

November 23:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Sexy Dance by Underage Girls Day

November 24:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Buy Something Japanese Day

November 25:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Hate Japan Day

November 26:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Overcharge Japanese Tourists Day (also: Overcharge All Foreigners Day. Also, Taxi Driver day)

November 27:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Convince Ourselves Samsung Will Invent the IPhone Killer Day

November 28:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Pyoungchang Winter Olympics Day (Every year. No matter what.)

November 29:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Flame a Celebrity Anonymously on the Internet Day (aka Celebrity Suicide Day) Candlelit Vigil at night.

November 30:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Throw Soap at a China People Day

Practice Cannes Award Acceptance Speech from Director of Korea's next Winner

2009-11-10T16:40:00.003+09:00

For best effect, read the editorial with this page, or the video below, open in a separate window.

Ladies and gentlemen, Park Chan-wook was a pioneer, but Korean film has finally arrived! Korea's artistic and cultural superiority finally reveals itself in this film. By not acting like monkeys in our own public places, and laughing at foreigners who have not been raised from childhood to live exactly like us, we believe our absolute superiority as a tourist destination has finally become clear.

First, in making the greatest Korean short film in history, I'd like to thank our talent, especially the actors. The western woman is playing an ancient Korean archetype in storytelling: the big-titty blonde one. I think that's her real name. Regardless, that's what I called her during filming. This archetype can be seen in many western movies, including women like Marilyn Monroe, Daryl Hannah, Scarlett Johanssen, and Thora Birch when she dyed her hair. Our foreigner protagonist is, in my opinion, a budding Hilary Swank. Observe the subtlety in her facial expressions as she portrays the bemused, orangutan-like curiosity many foreigners have about Korean culture, and her sensitive, yearning portrayal of a stranger in culture shock, struggling with looking like an idiot, surrounded for the first time in her life with true civilization. We believe she represents every foreigner in Korea: clumsy retard babies who have no clue how to truly function in an actually civilized society. She probably has loose morals and no Education credentials. But what a big nose!

To me, the real beauty of her performance is in the details. When she pays for her jimjilbang, she bows so clumsily it looks like she's having an orgasm! Really, I'm glad I have that loanshark friend who knew a white girl in debt trouble -- she was a real find, and it was totally worth saving her thumbs to get her in this video! I hope she enjoys newfound popularity in the foreign community, as all the foreigners in Korea see that, she shares Koreans' contempt for them, by mocking foreigners, and willingly making foreigners look like stupid idiots. By acting like Koreans (particularly the makers of this video) she will demonstrate that she is more like a Korean than they are, and her foreign friends will all look up to her in awe and admiration, the same way the world looks with awe and admiration at Korean cultural achievements like eating spicy food with chopsticks, and having more seasons than other countries, and palaces in harmony with nature (fuck you, Beijing).

I'd also like to thank Andy, my secretary's twelve-year-old child, who attends English Friends Academy, and translated the subtitles.

Finally, I'd like to thank the Korean Tourism Organization and the Seoul Grand Sale organization for funding my life dream of making a video that mocks and belittles foreigners.

Their new promotional direction, of mocking their audience, of people they want to visit Korea, is unique in the world, and that uniqueness and derision will, I believe, make Korea stand out as different from other nations' tourism campaigns. We look forward to millions upon millions of foreigners coming to Korea and blundering into saunas with their shoes on like idiots, making monkey faces in massage chairs, dropping chopsticks, and displaying a shocking lack of jung by ordering separate dishes and paying separately, while insulting restaurateurs by leaving tips, drinking moderately, and leaving the bars empty by 9:30pm so that Koreans can go out and drink. They have no idea how to drink. Fortunately, we Koreans can show them proper drinking manners. I am convinced that soon, every Korean will have a pet tourist of their own to laugh at.

Here is a video of proper Korean drinking manners.

I believe it is an important message to spread to the world, that Koreans know how to function in their own culture, and scorn those who cannot fit in immediately. This kind of generous, global-minded tolerance, in which we allow these non-functional retard babies to move around freely in our cities, allows us to have free entertainment any time, whenever one of these clumsy fools dares to show their face, and their awful manners, in public. This is a message I want to spread to the world, so that everyone will come to Korea and be mocked by the locals, louder and louder, as we get totally, totally, totally blitzed beyond all reason. I'd like to send a shout out to all Koreans, to make sure we give tourists special treatment in Korea as they display their awful manners and inability to function, by pointing at them, talking about them, staring at them, laughing at them when they do something wrong, and congratulating them like a baby who made first poo poo in the big boy potty, every time they eat something spicier than a bean-sprout, or handle chopsticks better than an amputee.

This is my vision for Korea's future! Daehanminguk!

One more. For good measure.

New Driver's License In Hand, Jeonju Woman To Choose Korean Tourism's New Slogan

2009-11-08T02:13:00.006+09:00

(ht brian)
Rather than using market research, studies, test groups, or basic public relations and promotions fundamentals, the Korean Tourism Organization has found their perfect candidate to create Korea's new tourism slogan. Cha Sa-soon, a 68-year-old woman from Jonju, made international headlines passing her written driver's license on the 950th try, and now she will write the slogan that will make Korea a more attractive tourist destination than New York City combined.

Lee Charm, head of the Korean Tourism Organization, explained, "Ms. Cha exemplifies the great, fighting spirit of Koreans: never giving up, butting heads against the same wall until it crumbles, indomitable fighting spirit, and unwillingness to read directions carefully. Plus, she already has experience in the international media; it's just a small step sideways for her to go from CNN.com's "news of the weird" feature to the front page."

"We've been coming up with slogans for a while, and have been getting discouraged by criticism, and lack of results. Given that a low rate of success seems to be come with the territory in these promotions, we thought we'd hand the reins to someone who's accustomed to trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and mostly failing, but sometimes achieving success."

Experts are praising the bold move by the Korean Tourism Organization. "Hiring one doggedly determined woman will be much more efficient and cost-effective than our other plans to improve tourism -- first of all, actually improving Korea as a tourist destination would be hard: keeping around those unsightly neighborhoods that have unique atmospheres of their own, without changing them so they look exactly the same as every other neighborhood in every city and town in Korea, well that's unfeasible. It would be expensive to restore those old neighborhoods, easier to replace them with glass and steel; it hurts our pride to leave Japanese colonial buildings untouched, and you know, we got all this neon sign material from China back in 1994 at such a bargain, of course we need to use it all. The idea of opening more hostels that are actually cheap, to attract backpackers, rather than gouging everyone at overpriced tourist motels... well, we want to TAKE their money, don't we? So that's out. Meanwhile, the amount of effort it would take to improve multilingual signage, coach hospitality workers in cultural sensitivity, and stigmatize the shouting of "Yankee Go Home!" and "You Russia?" at white people, and the shouting of "Go Home, Monkey!" to dark-skinned people would take work and time. We figure a real helluva slogan will accomplish the same effects. As for plan B, do you know the kind of manpower it would have taken to clean, feed, and house those billion monkeys we'd ordered from a dealer in India? To say nothing of finding a billion typewriters sturdy enough to withstand a monkey attempting to mate with it."

Nook-tu, one of the billion monkeys, was unperturbed by the lost opportunity. "I guess I'll have to go back to my old job, scavenging for nuts and fruit in the trees. I wasn't really looking forward to a desk job, but my mother-in-law thought it would be more stable with kids on the way."

Meanwhile, Cha Sa-soon, who does not speak English, has already started working on coming up with slogans. She's been pulling poetry fridge magnet words out of a satin bag all afternoon, and fastidiously copying down the results for her new employers. The thrilled lady says, "I've always wanted to be a civil servant, but I gave up that dream after failing the test 1754 times."

Tourism officials have already seen a few possible slogans that might be an improvement on "Korea, Sparkling,"

including:

Thresh mighty artichokes, Korea!
Korea Answer!
Land of the Morning Spoon
Abuse Sleep Most Find Who Korea!
Two Turn Fuck Zapan Korea!
Mill Idea Pie Very Land is Korea!

You can create a tourism Korea slogan, too: just go here and let us know what you come up with!

November Cancelled due to Swine Flu Fears

2009-10-27T15:38:00.003+09:00

With increasing reports of Swine Flu afflictions, the Korean government has decided to cancel the entire month of November.

"We figure if we just skip straight to December, those thirty days'll be enough time for everyone in Korea with Swine Flu to get over it."

Some schools and institutions are even getting a head start on the cancellation by cancelling Hallowe'en parties on the 31st of October. Instead, schools will have regular class days, putting students into contact with the same students and teachers they'd be contacting during a Hallowe'en parties, but without costumes, which are thought by some to be catalysts for transmission.

"I'm pretty choked," Sam Marwyn, a Canadian complained. "I was really looking forward to the traditional Canadian Hallowe'en game of 'Mingle the Magic Body Fluids,' but it turns out I won't be able to play it at all this year, eh?"

Meanwhile, (photo stolen from Koreangov on Twitter) during the missing month of November, Koreans are asked not to turn over their calendars, and pretend nothing is happening. Also, all festivals previously planned for the now nonexistent month of November will be changed to Kimchi festivals.

If these drastic actions are not enough to stop the tide of increasing swine flu infections, the Korean Government is considering other options.

"We're thinking about instigating a hunt, and just cutting our losses with all the infected -- got that idea after watching a few zombie movies -- and we might nuke Daejeon, to send a message. We're also thinking about canceling Insadong, or banishing all carriers to Dokdo. Massive culls of pig farms is a high probability, and we might just cancel school, and only have tests for the rest of the school year. We're also planning on passing several laws against swine flu." Lee Gun-hyeon is the representative responsible for proposing a law against swine flu.

"As you can see," Lee said, "statistics about swine flu are alarming. For example, just this month, eleventy-fifteen-million Koreans caught swine-flu, and the rate is increasing daily. Every day I get calls to my office, and the sickness is getting more serious as four hundred thirty percent of our children in danger. If we don't do something about this soon, my carefully crafted appearance of being an effective politician will be exposed." Lee's office statistician was on hand to add more details: "After the wizard's orgasm, rainbow explosions all across Gwanghwamun Plaza led to the death of the unicorn, and all its protective power was dispelled. The fire energy from Gwanak mountain flows straight into the downtown, spreading the flu, and even high-level protection spells can't do anything to prevent transmission, at alarming rates. Immediate action is required."

Those alarmed at the increase in swine flu cases can take solace in this: now that all the brothels on Yeouido, and within driving distance of The National Assembly have been closed, quick, decisive action may soon be at hand.

"DECLARE MARTIAL LAW!" wailed one unnamed assemblyman.

Yuna Kim's Mother Reaches Top Of Korean Mother Bragging Rights Ranking

2009-10-21T10:38:00.002+09:00

After setting a world record and winning the "Tropii Elik Pompadeu," Yuna Kim, or Kim Yuna's mother Park Mee-hee has moved past Ban Ki-moon's mother for the Koreawide Lead in the Korea Mother's Bragging Rights Rankings (KMBRR).

The Korea Mother's Bragging Rights Rankings are a little-known rating, outside of Korean Mothers: it is scored, basically, by imagining the mother of every Korean sitting in an after-church tea together, and asking the question, "Who would have to stand up and get whom another plate of banchan, and who would be able to say 'Get it your own damn self, you harpy mother of an underachiever.'"

While a little morbid, even deceased mothers of prominent Koreans are included in the ranking, in order to include every prominent Korean on the list, and achieve the purest, most inclusive ranking of important mothers.

It's been a bad year for Ban Ki-moon (Mother ranked 2nd now), after months of criticism for having a lower profile than previous UN Secretary Generals like the Aprica People one with a beard. On the other hand, Kim Yu-na (1) set a world record in January, and another this week. The KMBRR rankings usually give precedence to political figures, for the prestige and the chance to achieve financial gains through peddling one's political influence -- which of course might lead to expensive gifts for mom. In this case, Yuna flew past Lee Myung-bak's mother (5), whose rating is still recovering from last year's beef protests and persistent rumors of corruption and favoritism, and left Park Ji-sung's mother (7) far in the dust, hampered by her son's being a healthy scratch too often, despite an improvement in his complexion and his contract extension with Manchester United, which has fallen to the second most prestigious soccer team in Europe.

As always, the mothers of entertainers have trouble reaching the top echelons of the list, because of the negative stigmas of entertainers not going to university, and consistent rumors of unscrupulous managers and company executives dealing in, um, favors. After JYP's mother (12), the highest rated female entertainers' mother is Lee Young-ae's mother (18), who celebrated a wedding and a move to America for her daughter, and can now look forward to a granddaughter. Following Lee Young-ae are the mothers of Boa (22) and the Wonder Girls (28-32), who have also gone to America, and whose English is improving, both always good ratings-boosters. Boa, despite not making much noise recently, still ranks higher than The Wonder Girls, for having taken a lot of money from the Japanese with her pop success there.

Park Geun-hye's mother (41 and climbing), though deceased, remains the strongest up-and-comer on the list: not only (were she alive) would she be the wife of an ex-president, but her daughter, despite the obvious demerits of being female, and not beautiful, is a strong candidate for Korea's next president, and cooks a great chapchae, which, combined, might well be enough to vault her to tops on the list: being a first female president would be a landmark acheivement, if elected, and if she can master dalkdoritang, her mother could have expected a good strong stay at number one; however, most presidential candidates' mothers see a quick drop after the election, when public opinion turns so quickly and sharply against new presidents elect. In the absence of beauty, it would be hoped Park Geun-hye's cooking and housekeeping skills might balance out her expected political performance, and prolong her stay at number one. On the other hand, first-female achievements lead to high Korean Mother Status: Yi So-yeon's mother (currently 143) broke the top fifteen when she was both the first Korean and the first Korean female in space, as well as carrying Kimchi and bacteria from Dokdo to space, despite being unattractive, a bad cook, and replacing a handsome male Samsung employee (mother's current ranking 1593) on the mission.

Struggling badly is Park Tae-hwan's mother (45, down from 8 right after the 2008 Olympics), as the Olympic medalist struggled famously at his last international competition. Despite being handsome, young, and male, he could improve his rating by attending SNU, getting a job at Samsung, moving to Bundang, or buying a Mercedes. Even better would be attending Heobeodeu University in the America.

A Game of "Does it Exist" with World Authority Archaeologist

2009-10-18T23:54:00.004+09:00

That's right. Logic demigod David Thiessen, aka The Archaeologist, has assured us all that racism does not exist in Korea, because it does not exist either in the human genome, nor in the bible. In a piece of brilliant analysis and exposition in The Korea Times, Mr. Thiessen has demonstrated that The Word Of God, and The Human Genome, are the only authoritative places to find proof of whether a thing exists or not. Logicians are now referring to this standard of existence as "Archaeologist's Razor" similar to Occam's Razor for its effectiveness in getting to the heart of logical discourse. Grateful for this bit of endless wisdom, Dokdo Is Ours has asked Mr. Thiessen to grace Dokdo Is Ours with more Holy, Divine, Unassailable Truth, by taking some questions about other things than racism, and letting us know whether they exist, or are nothing more than illusions.

The Holy Bible: "EXISTS: in fact, the beginning of the human genome starts, "In The Beginning, God Created..."... I know this is true because I saw it in a dream God gave me."

(for the record, The Human Genome is King James.)

Soccer: "Does not exist. While kicking is found in the bible, games involving kicking are not, and therefore while we can be sure that a soccer-like game MIGHT exist, soccer itself cannot be confirmed to exist.

The Matrix: "Whether we live in The Matrix, or it's just a fiction, would depend on what I see after having a chance to examine its programming code, and see whether any of it resembles either The Human Genome or the text of The Holy Bible.

The Mushroom Haircut: "While wild vegetable are mentioned in the bible, they are not to be found in the Human Genome, so probably not."

The U.S. Pledge of Allegiance: "Only the line 'One Nation under God,' because it mentions God, who exists. By logic, the existence of this line leads me to conclude, logically, that there is only one nation in the world; therefore, only the USA exists... but only God-fearing red states, and school districts that don't teach evolution."

Hans Christian Andersen's Fairy Tales: "Nothing but fairy tales, I'm afraid. Duh."

Babies: "Human DNA has shown no significant differences between Baby DNA and Adult DNA, therefore babies are a social construct, and might be a propaganda tool of racist English teachers."
"But you said racism doesn't exist."
"Shut up, you godless obfuscator of the truth! God will judge you (which is my cute way of saying I already have judged you -- it's my charming idiosyncrasy to pretend I speak on God's behalf. My betrothed loves it. It makes her wild under her ankle-length skirt and linen head-covering.)"

Pencils: "If the pencil has a double-helix drawn on it, it resembles Human DNA enough to be said it exists."

The Archaeologist: "Yes, but I am the only one to whom Descartes' maxim, 'I think, therefore I am' applies. I know I actually think, so I KNOW I exist, but I'm not quite so sure about you: I will continue suspecting you of being a devil's trick, sent to lead me astray, and will therefore disregard everything you say."

Barack Obama: "Yes! He is the leader from the North mentioned in Revelation, who will bring forth the apocolypse."

English: "Not really. This further illegitimizes English teachers: that their language is a sham. The human genome is actually in Greek and Hebrew characters: the languages of the original bible."

North Korean Aggression: "No. Only English teachers who do not respect their contracts and look down upon Korean culture perceive the social construct of North Korean aggression. In truth, Koreans are peaceful and the greatest culture on earth, and this image of North Korea violating its international agreements is a case of projection from English teachers who imagine North Korea has the same disdain for international agreements as English teachers have for their contracts."

Any other questions in the comments shall be answered as soon as possible.

Ask A Pissed Off English Teacher Who's Been in Korea Too Long

2009-10-15T18:23:00.004+09:00

Dokdo Week #3: Special Advice Column

Dokdo Is Ours is proud to introduce a new addition to our stable of advice columnists. As always, if you have a question for "Ask an Internet Troll," "Ask a Korean Promotional Brochure," "Ask the guy who wrote the English Raps on Jewelry's CD"or "Ask a Pissed Off English Teacher Who's Been Here Too Long," you are welcome to send an e-mail to dokdoisours at gmail dot com. Serious. All letters sent so far have been answered!

Dear Pissed Off English Teacher

Hi! I'm Sandy! I'm 22, and I came to Korea to add some international experience to my application to the American Academy of Diplomacy, and work towards my life dream of working internationally as an ambassador and diplomat. I've only been here for a few months, so I'm still trying to learn more about the subtleties of intercultural communication and understanding, as well as getting used to the honorific codes in interpersonal interactions so important to Koreans. Anyway, I recently had a strange conversation with a Korean friend about a couple of islands called 'Dokdo' which are apparently part of a territorial dispute between Korea and Japan. I'm wondering if you could explain the context of this conflict for me. Also, when I asked, "What's the big deal" -- after all, it's only a couple of islands -- my Korean friend got a little agitated. In your opinion, what is the most tactful way to discuss this issue with Koreans, and is there anything I should avoid saying, or doing, while talking about Dokdo, in order to avoid another awkward situation?

Dear Sandy:

First of all, before we get into any of the points in your letter, or address your question, I'd just like to remind you, by referencing events that happened before you came to Korea, that I've been here longer than you. I was here for the beef riots. I was here for President Roh's impeachment. I was here before Chunggyecheon, I was here when Jeon Ji-hyun was still a real person, I was here for English Spectrum Gate and the Armored Vehicle Riots and the World Cup and the IMF Bailout and the Asian Financial Meltdown and I may have been the guy to offer Dangun's garlic-breath-bear Father his first post-cave mentos. I used to toss chocolate bars to the Korean kids running behind my buddy's military vehicle, back when hooker hill went uphill both ways.

Second, I want you to know that, while I've lived that long in Korea, but I still can't speak Korean, I still know more about Korea than any of the Koreans I meet (not that I have any Korean friends, but why would I want a bunch of clones on my speed-dial anyway), because I can look at Korea objectively since I didn't grow up here, which means that comparing Korea with my home country and finding it wanting is ALWAYS more valid than any Korean's view of their own country. If a Korean disagrees with me about this, it is obviously because they have been brainwashed by their Korean-only, By Nationalism-Wacky Koreans For Nationalism-Wacky Koreans racist media.

When a Korean tries to approach you about the Dokdo issue, it is only because he is racist, and attempting to discriminate against you, and oppress your natural rights, guaranteed by international conventions, by pigeonholing you into the role of cultural pariah -- that is, Dokdo Non-believer, and force you to take an AIDS test even though foreigners obey the law WAY more than ANY Korean. If you refuse to drink the Dokdo Kool-aid from the KKKorean pure-blood fetishist, they will label you "wangta" and treat you like shit, because they're confucian, and confucianism is basically an excuse Koreans use to treat everyone like shit except other Koreans who are older than them... who they only lie to, and cheat behind their backs, rather than doing it openly, like they do with white people, south-asians, people from other provinces of Korea, and people younger than themselves. This is why you will never fit into Korean society, because all Koreans are inherently racist. It's in their DNA, right next to the "I believe Kimchi cures everything" gene and the "If it's on the internet and it says bad things about America, it must be true" gene and the "thirty-million gullible brainwashed saps can't be wrong, so I'd better follow the crowd, plus, this movement has a cartoon character! Squee!" gene. All Koreans are racist. All Koreans generalize about others, ALL the time. There is no hope for Korea in the future because inherently racist societies must fail in the world scene, and Korea will never change, Korea will never open their mind and see another point of view, and Korea will never try to understand other cultures. I'd realized that by my third month in Korea, and nothing I have seen, heard, or read since then has changed my mind, and nothing ever will.

Sorry... what was your question again?

New York Times: We Will Continue Taking Money from Nationalistic Koreans"

2009-10-11T08:30:00.001+09:00

Dokdo Week, Part 2:

Baylor Thompson, head of advertising in the New York Times, reports that he plans to continue giving advertising space to nationalistic Koreans wishing to make a point about the East Sea, Dokdo, Baekdu Mountain, Kim Il-Sung's glorious leadership forever, Grand Canal Schemes, or whatever else they wish to promote, "As long as the cash keeps coming, and as long as they keep thinking NYT ads actually accomplish anything other than stirring the derision of Daveizens, we will continue taking their money."

Though at first, it took a while to really convince Koreans that taking out New York Times ads would lead to any positive results, Thompson says validation of the NYT ads actually took care of itself. "As soon as the Times ads came out, they got reported by Yonhap, Chosun, and every other Korean news source picked it up, and that amount of coverage seems to have tricked Koreans into thinking EVERY country reports and discusses it just as extensively when some Korean takes out a New York Times ad." Once Koreans were fooled, by their own media, into thinking that a NYT ad got the entire world abuzz about a topic, "I just had to sit back and wait for more ad requests to roll in," Mr. Thompson says.

This startling news comes at a time when some have been questioning the effectiveness of taking out full-page New York Times ads about The East Sea (also known as the Sea of Dirty, Island-Stealing Ass-Pirates). It started when a Korean named Min-hong traveled overseas, to Manchester, and over dinner with a group of British citizens, casually brought up a common dinner-table topic from his home country: "So, do you think Japan will ever relinquish that pesky claim on Dokdo?" he asked. When met with blank stares, he tried again. "You know, the land dispute in the East Sea -- the little islands near Ulleungdo that Japan is trying to steal from Korea, the rightful owners -- do you think they'll ever admit it's a symbol of their enduring imperial aspirations?"

"Which sea?" his hosts asked.

"The East Sea -- the one between Korea and Japan."

"Oh. We call that The Sea of Japan in English."

"No, you must be mistaken -- it's the East Sea. Don't you read the New York Times? I was under the impression that this you tried to stay up to date on current events!"

"Well, we do, but this is England: the BBC is our main news source here."

Returning home with news of such shocking ignorance about Korea's issues of world import led to a period of doubt for Min-hong and those in his circle of friends. "Why are people bothering to advertise in the Times when it's met with indifference from the rest of the world?" was the question on everybody's lips.

However, when Japan began taking out full-page ads denying wrongdoing in issues like the comfort women issue and the Nanking massacres, many Koreans decided that, dinner-table-topics in Manchester or none, Korea could not fall behind Japan in the Western Media Paid Advertisement Propaganda race.

"We now have schools organizing bake sales, perfumes and donation drives, we have traveling missionaries spreading the word about Dokdo, in order to continue taking out MORE NYT ads than those filty Japanese barbarians," explained Choi Yang-hoon, one of the leaders of a recent Dokdo drive. "We're waiting for more Dokdo Songs, hoping that Kim Jang-hoon might even contribute a hit pop-song, possibly one as good as this one:

Personally, Baylor Thompson doesn't know much about Dokdo, and doesn't really care, either: he actually enjoys getting the full page ad requests, "Because that's an entire page of space I don't have to sell in smaller pieces -- a big chunk of advertising space, sold in one shot -- that makes my job easier. They could print lines from North Korean revolutionary songs for all I care," he said. He does have one concern, however, and he says it's an important one.

"Just make sure the checks clear."

Dokdo Week: Part 1: Other Ways to let the world know Dokdo Belongs To Korean

2009-10-10T23:16:00.005+09:00

It is time to re-claim Dokdo for Korea: our historians, those brilliant minds who invented "Fan Fiction" long before it took a totally different form and became popular on the internet, have been spending their days and months researching and brainstorming, trying to find a truly fool-proof, fail-safe strategy to claim Dokdo as Korea's territory.

Hand out flyers in New York City that say "독도는 우리땅"

Manufacture rolls of toilet paper with brown spots on them in the shape of the Dokdo Islands.

Condoms with Dokdo on the case, and the words "This belongs to Korea, too" on the side.

McDokDo: like the McDLT, except instead of a hot part and a cold part, two mounds of meat shaped like Dokdo.

Full page ads in the Chosun Ilbo.

Export our language to other countries.

Make a TV series set on Dokdo. Put Bae Yong-joon in it, so that Japanese will be hypnotized by His Ajummaness and we can brainwash them into believing Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Give away free dokdo hugs. And free dokdo cookies. And free dokdo mudpies. In Insadong.

Get Korean girls to only sleep with Western unqualified dirty English teachers if the teacher says "Dokdo belongs to Korea" first. Then it's OK, or at least morally neutral.

Get Cat Stevens to convert to Koreanism and write songs about Dokdo.

Convince protestant prosletyzers to spend one day a week prosletyzing for Dokdo instead of for Jesus.

Send a hundred e-mails a day. To everyone. Maybe convince the Viagra/Cialis guy to add "Dokdo Belongs to Korea" to his e-mail advertisements.

Sexy dance contest. We do that for everything.

Take a regular product. Put the word Dokdo on the package. Add a 75% markup. Give 5% of the markup to Dokdo for more New York Times ads. That'll do it.

Win a Nobel Prize by discovering more bacteria on Dokdo. Proclaim Dokdo is Korea's land during the acceptance speech.

Start a campaign to rename The Rolling Stones "Dokdo," the same way we're renaming The East Sea.

Approach foreigners in the bath house.

A protest in Gwanghwamun Plaza. That'll mess up LMB.

Name our children Dokdo. All of them.

Dokdo cologne. Made with real seagull shit from Dokdo. (ps: not even a joke)

Scratch "Dokdo Belongs to Korea" on Japanese National Monuments and cultural heritage sites.

Buy Sony products. 'cause damn. Those Japanese electronics are well-made!

Be rude to Japanese tourists until they give up and give us Dokdo.

Be rude to Japanese people when we travel to Japan until they give up and give us Dokdo.

Claim Fukuoka as Korean land, and in their eagerness to get Fukuoka back, they'll be glad to let us have Dokdo.

Throw shit at the Japanese Embassy. I'm pretty sure that actually worked once.

Get into a shoving match at the National Assembly. Seriously.

Make it a condition for North Korea's nuclear disarmament.

Get a young guy to dress up as an old lady, and have him fall down on TV.

Barack Obama likes bulgogi, so Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Make it a question on the standardized exam.

Build a training facility for the national soccer team on Dokdo.

Train Jindo dogs to bite anybody who says "Takashima" send them around the world.

Put Dokdo on the map during the news weather forecast. If we forecast the weather there, it MUST be ours.

Promise to lower import tariffs for Japanese products from 216% to 174%.

Force Japanese people we meet personally, to personally apologize for the comfort women, and declare that Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Videotape white people saying "독도는 우리땅" phonetically, even though they don't know what it means, and put it on TV, and watch it while touching ourselves.

Convert it into a missile silo, or build defensive gun turrets on the big one.

Get a little kid in a pink dress to stand on a stage and say Dokdo is Korean land.

Get a large group of seven-year-old girls to dress like cowboy cheerleaders and do a sexy dance to a Britney Spears song and put letters on the short-pants covering their asses so that when they lift up their skirts and moon the audience at the end of the song it spells "Dokdo belongs to Korea!" How cute and innocent!

Bring up Dokdo in every conversation with a foreigner, and get upset if they say anything other than "Yes. Now I see that Dokdo is Korean land, and Japan sucks balls. Thank you for enlightening me. Now, can I have more kimchi? I like it, even though it's too spicy for me. Now, let's practice English together."

Name restaurants in Seoul after Dokdo. And toys. And balloons. And cars. And pets. And pens and pencils. And kimchi refrigerators.

Make the lady who cut off her finger for Dokdo the Queen of Korea.

Get elementary students to draw pictures about how much they hate Japan.

Put people in slingshots and catapult their bodies over the fence of the Japanese embassy, until they get tired of cleaning up the body parts and give Dokdo to Korea.

Study hard.

Work hard and make Korea number one country and famous Korean success in English Premier League so that Korea many famous and then Korea army with Lee Sunshin army boat to big war and Korea famous so everybody like and then Dokdo is Korea land!

Get Korea Times comment board people to start writing letters to Japanese newspapers. Their clear-minded logical arguments are sure to convince the world.

No, Really. Sexy Dance.

Hey I'm not George Bush either... where's MY Nobel Prize?

2009-10-10T23:14:00.001+09:00

And that's all I have to say about Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

In this tough Economy, Joongang Inc. Is Dedicated to Not Cutting Funding to our Naked White People Department

2009-10-08T10:39:00.002+09:00

Joongang Daily staff photographer Han Je-hoon

While it is shameful to me, working on the naked white people photography department of the Joongang news corporation, given its second class rating, behind the auspicious Chosun Ilbo and Digital Chosun, which are known worldwide as the Korea's Harvard University of Photographing White Half-or-Mostly Naked People, it is reassuring news I have for you.

Despite being miles behind the field leader, the Joongang Daily is dedicated to continuing to bring you photos of naked white people, like this one, from a vineyard in France. It is an integral part of our duty to allow our strength in this field to combine with that of the Great Pervy Chosun (our little industry nickname) and bring Korea to world leadership in the rankings of "Creepy Photographing of Mostly Nude White People" -- while we have a lot of catching up to do before passing the German and Russian porn industry, Korea already ranks ahead of the French art film industry in photographing white naked people, and with more diligence and better patrolling of Haeundae Beach, we intend to climb to fifth in the world by 2017.

It is my recommendation that, in order to bolster our standing in this area, the censorship board remove the laws requiring us to blur out certain erogenous zones in our photos, which lead many Korean internet porn watchers to believe that women actually DO have pixelated vaginas, and that their own weiners are abominable variations from the world norm of having pixelated penises... showing "the full monty" will also increase interest in our dirty pictures, as compared to those produced by other countries. Also, I call on the Korean Government to sponsor longer telephoto lenses and more powerful sensors for the cameras of those photographers who have dedicated their lives to raising Korea's profile in the realm of photographing nude white people. It is only through the support of Korea's great people, AND the government, that we will finally see Korea join the ranks of the greatest nations at creepily photographing nude white people.

Samsung Introduces Glory Hole, Follow-up to Magic Hole

2009-09-30T22:32:00.003+09:00

"Put Your Self In Our Glory Hole!" is the new slogan of Samsung Anycall's latest phone advertising campaign. After UEE's sexy commercial led "Magic Hole" to a smashing sales, Samsung couldn't follow up their "Magic Hole" fast enough.

However, as always, the supersaturated cellphone market in Korea was quick to respond. Jang-sup Leong, whose English nickname is "Johnson," from LG's marketing department announced LG's own, similar phone product over the weekend, featuring top beauty Kim Tae-hee promoting their new phone line, "Magic Head," with the slogan, "Kim Tae-hee wants to Give You Head" and "Give Head To Your Family This Chuseok"

Things are tight at Yongsan electronics market, now. With Magic Head and Good Head from LG, Magic Hole and Glory Hole by Anycall, other products are having their release dates postponed.

Samsung's "G-Spot" is being promoted by new Korean Female Pop group A-nal, as well as Big Bang tribute band, "Gang Bang", but will wait until November to release their new line, while SK Telecom's oblong phone, "Shaft" and its new high-speed wireless service, "Golden Shower," meant to "Shower" its customers with quick internet access, are being held back, for long enough that consumers won't compare it to competing all-in-one wireless service, "Package Flasher."

Dokdo Is Ours was lucky enough to chat briefly with Ga-Ping Beom, from Anycall, at a new candy and snack bar called Honey Pot, where hot menu items like the chocolate starfish and the corn hole have been flying off the shelves. "Korean Exchange Bank has this new quick online banking service called Money Shot that's looking to sweep the nation, but I've also heard, at a PR Conference called P.U.B.E.: Promotion United Branding Effort, about some other promotions and campaigns coming up that are going to be super-cool.

"There's stylish, flower-boy marketed K0Mexican restaurant opening called 'Pink Taco,' as well as new Noraebang Technology that will give voices more resonance, called 'Deep Throat' I'm personally excited about a set of golfing gloves so natural feeling it's like skin -- they'll be called 'Fore Skin' - you know, for shouting 'Fore' when you hit a golf ball."

Despite trying his hardest, Dokdo Is Ours failed to procure advance peeks at any of the promotional materials: posters or commercials, lined up for these exciting new products: however, the South Korean Elite Entrepreneurs' Trust places great stock in confidentiality and secrecy, so this intrepid reporter was denied.

Happy Chusok, everyone.