First Draft of Korea Times Article "Koreans 'Double Standards' In Hopsitality"

Final draft can be read here.

Congratulations to Kim Tong-hyung, for submitting 500 plus words on this topic without mentioning skin color once.

First Draft:

Korea Hospitality Only For White Foreigners

A survey have expose the Korea Tourism feeling to good treatment only white people not brown people tourists. Everybody know Korea hospitality best hospitality if family visit or teacher come to house and eat bulgogi, maybe offer daughter to government official. But survey from Korea Culture and Tourism Institute with 5800 foreigners show also white people get Korea hospitality and not brown people.

But Dark Skin Asian people and dirty Chinese less than Korea hospitality good impression of it. Its because of they culture more like us so expect Korea hospitality is nothing special maybe. But really because brown skin. Or maybe it because they come here for more specific reason, like expect to meet Lee Young-ae and Hallyu star handsome people but instead old man smell like squid is follow them and shout "Dokdo is Korea land!" Also Hong Kong people is like shopping and Japan people is like food.

Survey is one problem though: neglectful to ask most two important question that:

"How much is Korea better than your country?"
A. 150-170% better than my country
B. 180-210% better than my country
C. 220-250% better than my country
D. more than 250% better than my country

and

That kimchi is spicy, isn't it?
A. Yes. It's much too spicy for me.
B. Yes. Koreans must be very strong and have amazing stamina, to eat such spicy food with every meal.
C. Yes. It's so spicy I wish to offer my home-country's sovereignty to Korea, just to stop the burning sensation in my mouth.
D. Yes. I wish to hear you speak about the virtues and flavor of Kimchi for thirty minutes. Please tell me: exactly how many different kinds of kimchi are there?

Interview with Sang Hyun-joon, Korea's Top Fawner

Sang Hyun-joon comes across as a normal man, at first. He is of medium build, his haircut is a five dollar Blue Club special. His glasses make him seem like a man more comfortable in a library than a night club. But when he opens his mouth, something about him changes.

"In all the auspicious history of this great restaurant district, truly, we have not seen a bori-bap so succulent."

Yes, Sang Hyun-joon is Korea's top pangyrist -- he's the one who writes, either directly or through ghost-writing, the best and most orgasmic articles trumpeting the greatness of Korean culture, athletics, politics, finances, and whatever else is going well.

You've probably read his work. More than once.

"All the world stops to hear the announcement: it is true that more than ever before, I write under more than a dozen different pen names: I might be world's top writer in terms of different pen names. Number one!"

Sang has always had this gift. The first composition he wrote in elementary school described how his teacher would be the one to usher in a golden age for Korean education, and his sister charmingly complains that their mother never became a better cook, because Hyun-joon's breathless praise made her complacent, and she never improved.

Sang might be best known for his work praising sports stars, like Park Jisung, Kim Yuna, Park Seri, and Park Chanho, and he's particularly proud of a "Look out, MMA, Here comes Choi Hong-man" article he wrote after Choi's spectacular win against Jose Canseco. However, the writer claims he doesn't have any strong preference for what he likes to fawn over best.

"Finance, Korean companies, politicians, athletes, tycoons, scientists -- I'll write about'em all. Ditto for culture and natural features -- pansoori, K-pop, dramas and movies, film directors, mountains, wetlands, minefields, massacre sites, four seasons, spicy food -- I've done it all, and I'll do it all again. That is the greatness of Korean everything. I really never tire of thinking about my country and culture, and how awesome it is. Sometimes it makes me want to explode."

When asked to let us in on the secrets of the trade, he said, "Study superlatives, and bring in Japan or America anytime Korea compares favorably to them. Also, never give an individual credit if you can instead attribute their success to some national characteristic -- Hwang Woo-suk's success was due to Korean skill with chopsticks; Korean women golf well because of their relationships with their fathers (notice how I managed to give credit to Korean men after all there?) Kim Yuna succeeded because of her Korean Mother's love, and Park Tae-hwan has more jung."

With this amazing skill for making things sound like the greatest in the world, one must wonder whether Sang never tried to sell his skill to other countries. "I'm sure my skill would be one of the world's most desirable talents, truly a singular feature among world talents. "A few countries and non-Korean companies have tried to hire me... but I had to cancel the contracts. I just couldn't write anything, and the most positive adjective I could think of was 'crummy'"

Yes, once again, the world will have to stand at the outside looking in, as the world's greatest hype-writer, much like the world's greatest swimmer*, the world's greatest female figure skater, the world's greatest slow-moving MMA fighter, the world's greatest despot, the world's greatest cellphone producer, the world's greatest awkwardly large boy-band, the world's greatest ultra-violent filmmaker, and the world's greatest internet e-mail army, all belong to Korea.


*other than Michael Phelps

Other New Proposed Commercial and Cultural Holidays for November

November 1:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Corrupt C.E.O Pardon Day

November 2:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Grab a Foreigner's Love Handles Day

November 3:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Plastic Surgery Day

November 4:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Pirated Internet Porn Day

November 5:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Internet Explorer 6 Day (With ActiveX Control and Free Security Updates)

November 6:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Shop At A Korean Company That Uses English Names Koreans Can't Pronounce Day

November 7:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Products Endorsed by Girls Generation Day

November 8:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Internet Addiction Day

November 9:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Cheat At Cards Day (Casinos Closed)

November 10:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Get Blitzed Out of your F$^@ing Mind Day (We needed another: Every Friday wasn't enough)

November 11: Nonproductive hangover day.
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: You can use chopsticks really well! Day

November 12:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Frankly Speaking Day

November 13:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Foist Korean Culture Upon Foreigners Who Are More Interested in Other Stuff Day (aka Pansoori Day)

November 14:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Korean Culture That Foreigners Actually Find Interesting But We're Ashamed of It Because It Reminds Us That Korea Used To Be Poor Day (aka Budaejigae, Country Restaurant, and Street Food Day)

November 15:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Hug a B-Boy Day

November 16:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: I'm Afraid of Aprika People Day (aka Multiculturalism Day)

November 17:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Cellphone Accessory Day

November 18:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Adulate Chan-ho Park Day (every year a different hero will be chosen to adulate)

November 19:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Kimchi is Spicy Day

November 20:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Gender Discrimination Day

November 21:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: "You should eat more" and "You're so fat" Day (a.k.a. Korean Mother Day)

November 22:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: White Envelope Day (bribe a teacher or a public official)

November 23:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Sexy Dance by Underage Girls Day

November 24:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Buy Something Japanese Day

November 25:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Hate Japan Day

November 26:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Overcharge Japanese Tourists Day (also: Overcharge All Foreigners Day. Also, Taxi Driver day)

November 27:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Convince Ourselves Samsung Will Invent the IPhone Killer Day

November 28:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Pyoungchang Winter Olympics Day (Every year. No matter what.)

November 29:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Flame a Celebrity Anonymously on the Internet Day (aka Celebrity Suicide Day) Candlelit Vigil at night.

November 30:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Throw Soap at a China People Day

Practice Cannes Award Acceptance Speech from Director of Korea's next Winner

For best effect, read the editorial with this page, or the video below, open in a separate window.



Ladies and gentlemen, Park Chan-wook was a pioneer, but Korean film has finally arrived! Korea's artistic and cultural superiority finally reveals itself in this film. By not acting like monkeys in our own public places, and laughing at foreigners who have not been raised from childhood to live exactly like us, we believe our absolute superiority as a tourist destination has finally become clear.

First, in making the greatest Korean short film in history, I'd like to thank our talent, especially the actors. The western woman is playing an ancient Korean archetype in storytelling: the big-titty blonde one. I think that's her real name. Regardless, that's what I called her during filming. This archetype can be seen in many western movies, including women like Marilyn Monroe, Daryl Hannah, Scarlett Johanssen, and Thora Birch when she dyed her hair. Our foreigner protagonist is, in my opinion, a budding Hilary Swank. Observe the subtlety in her facial expressions as she portrays the bemused, orangutan-like curiosity many foreigners have about Korean culture, and her sensitive, yearning portrayal of a stranger in culture shock, struggling with looking like an idiot, surrounded for the first time in her life with true civilization. We believe she represents every foreigner in Korea: clumsy retard babies who have no clue how to truly function in an actually civilized society. She probably has loose morals and no Education credentials. But what a big nose!

To me, the real beauty of her performance is in the details. When she pays for her jimjilbang, she bows so clumsily it looks like she's having an orgasm! Really, I'm glad I have that loanshark friend who knew a white girl in debt trouble -- she was a real find, and it was totally worth saving her thumbs to get her in this video! I hope she enjoys newfound popularity in the foreign community, as all the foreigners in Korea see that, she shares Koreans' contempt for them, by mocking foreigners, and willingly making foreigners look like stupid idiots. By acting like Koreans (particularly the makers of this video) she will demonstrate that she is more like a Korean than they are, and her foreign friends will all look up to her in awe and admiration, the same way the world looks with awe and admiration at Korean cultural achievements like eating spicy food with chopsticks, and having more seasons than other countries, and palaces in harmony with nature (fuck you, Beijing).

I'd also like to thank Andy, my secretary's twelve-year-old child, who attends English Friends Academy, and translated the subtitles.

Finally, I'd like to thank the Korean Tourism Organization and the Seoul Grand Sale organization for funding my life dream of making a video that mocks and belittles foreigners.

Their new promotional direction, of mocking their audience, of people they want to visit Korea, is unique in the world, and that uniqueness and derision will, I believe, make Korea stand out as different from other nations' tourism campaigns. We look forward to millions upon millions of foreigners coming to Korea and blundering into saunas with their shoes on like idiots, making monkey faces in massage chairs, dropping chopsticks, and displaying a shocking lack of jung by ordering separate dishes and paying separately, while insulting restaurateurs by leaving tips, drinking moderately, and leaving the bars empty by 9:30pm so that Koreans can go out and drink. They have no idea how to drink. Fortunately, we Koreans can show them proper drinking manners. I am convinced that soon, every Korean will have a pet tourist of their own to laugh at.

Here is a video of proper Korean drinking manners.


I believe it is an important message to spread to the world, that Koreans know how to function in their own culture, and scorn those who cannot fit in immediately. This kind of generous, global-minded tolerance, in which we allow these non-functional retard babies to move around freely in our cities, allows us to have free entertainment any time, whenever one of these clumsy fools dares to show their face, and their awful manners, in public. This is a message I want to spread to the world, so that everyone will come to Korea and be mocked by the locals, louder and louder, as we get totally, totally, totally blitzed beyond all reason. I'd like to send a shout out to all Koreans, to make sure we give tourists special treatment in Korea as they display their awful manners and inability to function, by pointing at them, talking about them, staring at them, laughing at them when they do something wrong, and congratulating them like a baby who made first poo poo in the big boy potty, every time they eat something spicier than a bean-sprout, or handle chopsticks better than an amputee.

This is my vision for Korea's future! Daehanminguk!

One more. For good measure.

New Driver's License In Hand, Jeonju Woman To Choose Korean Tourism's New Slogan

(ht brian)
Rather than using market research, studies, test groups, or basic public relations and promotions fundamentals, the Korean Tourism Organization has found their perfect candidate to create Korea's new tourism slogan. Cha Sa-soon, a 68-year-old woman from Jonju, made international headlines passing her written driver's license on the 950th try, and now she will write the slogan that will make Korea a more attractive tourist destination than New York City combined.

Lee Charm, head of the Korean Tourism Organization, explained, "Ms. Cha exemplifies the great, fighting spirit of Koreans: never giving up, butting heads against the same wall until it crumbles, indomitable fighting spirit, and unwillingness to read directions carefully. Plus, she already has experience in the international media; it's just a small step sideways for her to go from CNN.com's "news of the weird" feature to the front page."

"We've been coming up with slogans for a while, and have been getting discouraged by criticism, and lack of results. Given that a low rate of success seems to be come with the territory in these promotions, we thought we'd hand the reins to someone who's accustomed to trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and mostly failing, but sometimes achieving success."

Experts are praising the bold move by the Korean Tourism Organization. "Hiring one doggedly determined woman will be much more efficient and cost-effective than our other plans to improve tourism -- first of all, actually improving Korea as a tourist destination would be hard: keeping around those unsightly neighborhoods that have unique atmospheres of their own, without changing them so they look exactly the same as every other neighborhood in every city and town in Korea, well that's unfeasible. It would be expensive to restore those old neighborhoods, easier to replace them with glass and steel; it hurts our pride to leave Japanese colonial buildings untouched, and you know, we got all this neon sign material from China back in 1994 at such a bargain, of course we need to use it all. The idea of opening more hostels that are actually cheap, to attract backpackers, rather than gouging everyone at overpriced tourist motels... well, we want to TAKE their money, don't we? So that's out. Meanwhile, the amount of effort it would take to improve multilingual signage, coach hospitality workers in cultural sensitivity, and stigmatize the shouting of "Yankee Go Home!" and "You Russia?" at white people, and the shouting of "Go Home, Monkey!" to dark-skinned people would take work and time. We figure a real helluva slogan will accomplish the same effects. As for plan B, do you know the kind of manpower it would have taken to clean, feed, and house those billion monkeys we'd ordered from a dealer in India? To say nothing of finding a billion typewriters sturdy enough to withstand a monkey attempting to mate with it."

Nook-tu, one of the billion monkeys, was unperturbed by the lost opportunity. "I guess I'll have to go back to my old job, scavenging for nuts and fruit in the trees. I wasn't really looking forward to a desk job, but my mother-in-law thought it would be more stable with kids on the way."

Meanwhile, Cha Sa-soon, who does not speak English, has already started working on coming up with slogans. She's been pulling poetry fridge magnet words out of a satin bag all afternoon, and fastidiously copying down the results for her new employers. The thrilled lady says, "I've always wanted to be a civil servant, but I gave up that dream after failing the test 1754 times."

Tourism officials have already seen a few possible slogans that might be an improvement on "Korea, Sparkling,"

including:

Thresh mighty artichokes, Korea!
Korea Answer!
Land of the Morning Spoon
Abuse Sleep Most Find Who Korea!
Two Turn Fuck Zapan Korea!
Mill Idea Pie Very Land is Korea!

You can create a tourism Korea slogan, too: just go here and let us know what you come up with!

November Cancelled due to Swine Flu Fears

With increasing reports of Swine Flu afflictions, the Korean government has decided to cancel the entire month of November.

"We figure if we just skip straight to December, those thirty days'll be enough time for everyone in Korea with Swine Flu to get over it."

Some schools and institutions are even getting a head start on the cancellation by cancelling Hallowe'en parties on the 31st of October. Instead, schools will have regular class days, putting students into contact with the same students and teachers they'd be contacting during a Hallowe'en parties, but without costumes, which are thought by some to be catalysts for transmission.

"I'm pretty choked," Sam Marwyn, a Canadian complained. "I was really looking forward to the traditional Canadian Hallowe'en game of 'Mingle the Magic Body Fluids,' but it turns out I won't be able to play it at all this year, eh?"

Meanwhile, (photo stolen from Koreangov on Twitter) during the missing month of November, Koreans are asked not to turn over their calendars, and pretend nothing is happening. Also, all festivals previously planned for the now nonexistent month of November will be changed to Kimchi festivals.


If these drastic actions are not enough to stop the tide of increasing swine flu infections, the Korean Government is considering other options.

"We're thinking about instigating a hunt, and just cutting our losses with all the infected -- got that idea after watching a few zombie movies -- and we might nuke Daejeon, to send a message. We're also thinking about canceling Insadong, or banishing all carriers to Dokdo. Massive culls of pig farms is a high probability, and we might just cancel school, and only have tests for the rest of the school year. We're also planning on passing several laws against swine flu." Lee Gun-hyeon is the representative responsible for proposing a law against swine flu.

"As you can see," Lee said, "statistics about swine flu are alarming. For example, just this month, eleventy-fifteen-million Koreans caught swine-flu, and the rate is increasing daily. Every day I get calls to my office, and the sickness is getting more serious as four hundred thirty percent of our children in danger. If we don't do something about this soon, my carefully crafted appearance of being an effective politician will be exposed." Lee's office statistician was on hand to add more details: "After the wizard's orgasm, rainbow explosions all across Gwanghwamun Plaza led to the death of the unicorn, and all its protective power was dispelled. The fire energy from Gwanak mountain flows straight into the downtown, spreading the flu, and even high-level protection spells can't do anything to prevent transmission, at alarming rates. Immediate action is required."

Those alarmed at the increase in swine flu cases can take solace in this: now that all the brothels on Yeouido, and within driving distance of The National Assembly have been closed, quick, decisive action may soon be at hand.

"DECLARE MARTIAL LAW!" wailed one unnamed assemblyman.

Yuna Kim's Mother Reaches Top Of Korean Mother Bragging Rights Ranking

After setting a world record and winning the "Tropii Elik Pompadeu," Yuna Kim, or Kim Yuna's mother Park Mee-hee has moved past Ban Ki-moon's mother for the Koreawide Lead in the Korea Mother's Bragging Rights Rankings (KMBRR).



The Korea Mother's Bragging Rights Rankings are a little-known rating, outside of Korean Mothers: it is scored, basically, by imagining the mother of every Korean sitting in an after-church tea together, and asking the question, "Who would have to stand up and get whom another plate of banchan, and who would be able to say 'Get it your own damn self, you harpy mother of an underachiever.'"

While a little morbid, even deceased mothers of prominent Koreans are included in the ranking, in order to include every prominent Korean on the list, and achieve the purest, most inclusive ranking of important mothers.

It's been a bad year for Ban Ki-moon (Mother ranked 2nd now), after months of criticism for having a lower profile than previous UN Secretary Generals like the Aprica People one with a beard. On the other hand, Kim Yu-na (1) set a world record in January, and another this week. The KMBRR rankings usually give precedence to political figures, for the prestige and the chance to achieve financial gains through peddling one's political influence -- which of course might lead to expensive gifts for mom. In this case, Yuna flew past Lee Myung-bak's mother (5), whose rating is still recovering from last year's beef protests and persistent rumors of corruption and favoritism, and left Park Ji-sung's mother (7) far in the dust, hampered by her son's being a healthy scratch too often, despite an improvement in his complexion and his contract extension with Manchester United, which has fallen to the second most prestigious soccer team in Europe.

As always, the mothers of entertainers have trouble reaching the top echelons of the list, because of the negative stigmas of entertainers not going to university, and consistent rumors of unscrupulous managers and company executives dealing in, um, favors. After JYP's mother (12), the highest rated female entertainers' mother is Lee Young-ae's mother (18), who celebrated a wedding and a move to America for her daughter, and can now look forward to a granddaughter. Following Lee Young-ae are the mothers of Boa (22) and the Wonder Girls (28-32), who have also gone to America, and whose English is improving, both always good ratings-boosters. Boa, despite not making much noise recently, still ranks higher than The Wonder Girls, for having taken a lot of money from the Japanese with her pop success there.


Park Geun-hye's mother (41 and climbing), though deceased, remains the strongest up-and-comer on the list: not only (were she alive) would she be the wife of an ex-president, but her daughter, despite the obvious demerits of being female, and not beautiful, is a strong candidate for Korea's next president, and cooks a great chapchae, which, combined, might well be enough to vault her to tops on the list: being a first female president would be a landmark acheivement, if elected, and if she can master dalkdoritang, her mother could have expected a good strong stay at number one; however, most presidential candidates' mothers see a quick drop after the election, when public opinion turns so quickly and sharply against new presidents elect. In the absence of beauty, it would be hoped Park Geun-hye's cooking and housekeeping skills might balance out her expected political performance, and prolong her stay at number one. On the other hand, first-female achievements lead to high Korean Mother Status: Yi So-yeon's mother (currently 143) broke the top fifteen when she was both the first Korean and the first Korean female in space, as well as carrying Kimchi and bacteria from Dokdo to space, despite being unattractive, a bad cook, and replacing a handsome male Samsung employee (mother's current ranking 1593) on the mission.

Struggling badly is Park Tae-hwan's mother (45, down from 8 right after the 2008 Olympics), as the Olympic medalist struggled famously at his last international competition. Despite being handsome, young, and male, he could improve his rating by attending SNU, getting a job at Samsung, moving to Bundang, or buying a Mercedes. Even better would be attending Heobeodeu University in the America.