Saturday, 26 June 2010

Uruguay Internet Commissioner Urges Team to Lose World Cup Match

(picture source)

The commissioner of the Uruguay Internet and Communications Commission has urged team Uruguay not to win their upcoming round of 16 match against South Korea.

"While all Uruguay's excited about making it to the round of sixteen, and winning our group in the World Cup final, the harsh reality is, our country's internet infrastructure and web servers are simply not equipped for a victory against South Korea."

While Uruguay, a country of 3.5 million people, is a four-time world cup champion, all those victories came in the early days of the international world cup; this year, all Uruguayans near and far are excited about Uruguay's chances to reclaim former glory.  However, the nation's telecommunications infrastructure, while sound under normal circumstances, "is completely unprepared" for the typical South Korean response to a loss in the International Sporting arena.

South Korea, with a population about fifteen times larger than Uruguay, is one of the most connected countries in the world, with a huge number of highly skilled internet users and hackers.  The country is known for internet attacks on countries that have done South Korean athletes and teams wrong, and incidents related to Japanese figure skater Miki Ando, Swiss Football in World Cup 2006, as well as the Apolo Ohno and Jim Hewish "scandals" from Olympic short-track speed skating competitions, have Uruguayan communications experts expecting the worst, come a Uruguay victory.

"If our team wins, at least let it be on clean strikes and non-controversial plays, or due to a South Korean meltdown: any shady calls or questionable plays, and we're afraid South Korean DDOS attacks and the like will crash our entire nation's communications network."

Asked to comment on the Uruguayan Internet Commissioner's comments, coach Oscar Tabarez said the recommendation would not change his game plan.  "We hope to win; I think every Uruguayan in our nation would happily forgo two weeks of internet usage to see Uruguay make it to the quarterfinal."

A street poll of Uruguayans in the nation's capital, Montevideo, revealed that 60% of Uruguayans agreed with the coach.  "I'll just use my land line phone for a while."

When asked whether such a crippling attack would hamper the Uruguayan economy, businessman Orlando Mendelo summed up public sentiment best, "If we make the semifinal or the final, nobody will be using the internet for business anyway: it'll be a two week street party, so nothing will be lost."

Such deflections did not change the opinions of South Korean netizens.  Internet user "DOKDOISKOREACOUNTRYFUCKJAPAN" declared his intention to attack the internet infrastructure of whichever team eliminated Korea from contention, regardless, and "ANDOSUXYUNAISQUEEN" described his plans to coordinate those attacks from a PC Room near his house.  "It's a PC Room, but we call it the war room."  Finally, "KIMCHIROCKSUSBEEFISCRAZYCOW" said, "I intend to watch the soccer game, but really, in my opinion, the main purpose of international sports events are to help me find the next country to hate, anyway.  Go Korea!"

This writer, too, can say nothing except he hopes Korea wins, eleventy-million to zero, and of course, he will be cheering in the streets for his favorite country, Korea.


(simon and martina)

Friday, 25 June 2010

Korean workers opt for benefits over 8 won pay raise.

From popular gusts

Korean ministop, PC room, and kimbap country employees have responded to the new proposal by employers, increasing minimum wage by 8 won - less than a US penny - per hour, with a request for more rights and benefits, rather than the measly 8 won pay increase.

"Really, more rights and benefits, a little more dignity, will help me more than eight extra won per hour," said Hong Gil-dong, one of the students leading the protest against the pay increase.

"We've made a list of proposed demands; we don't expect to be given ALL of them, but a few would be nice," said Hong.  Among the demands for added benefits and extra rights for minimum wage workers include these requests:

1. (for female workers) the right to be propositioned by their male employers no more than five times a week (current maximum is seven)
2. when boss shouts at them until they cry, the right to pull down baseball caps, turn their heads away from customers, so that customers do not have to see their open-faced shame, as is now the regulation
3. increase in break time, from one five minute break per 14 hour shift, to two three minute breaks.  Also, either a bathroom break per 14 hour shift, or adult diapers provided by the employer.
4. no longer being required to bow to the ground in apology to the boss's mother-in-law when she shouts and shames them - a deep bow at the waist should suffice
5. that employees may only be struck with an open hand; not a closed fist, and may no longer be called "fucking worthless cum-catcher" but only "worthless cum-catcher" or "fucking worthless"
6. lifting the requirement of starting every sentence while addressing the boss with "My opinion is no more than that of a dog's, but..."
7. the right to treat blisters and cuts gotten in the course of work DURING work hours, instead of having to wait until the shift ends
8. no longer needing to say "thank you" when a drunk throws up on them

"These concessions would improve our working conditions greatly, and we strongly urge our employers to seriously consider adopting at least a few of them."

Monday, 21 June 2010

Dokdo Is Ours is Excited about the World Cup

Dokdo Is Ours is Excited about the world cup.  You should be, too.

And I'd like to share the reasons with you.

By the way, I saw some of these while researching the world cup... anyone care to explain the meaning of this round object?

(sources: one, two, three, FOUR, five, six, seven)

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Korean Students Abandon Studies, Failing Classes to Be Like Kim Yuna

Since word spread that sports hero and national icon Kim Yuna failed two of her courses at Korea University, the internet and newspapers have been abuzz.

Some were supportive: "She works so hard to be a skating champion: we need to understand her situation.  She's had a hard life," said Seung Chul-mo, generously offering a justification that is usually only reserved for old men.

Others were critical, "Her school performance is an embarrassment to Korea: after Barack Obama praised Korea's education system, such news seems to contradict other positive reports about Korean education."

Many blamed her mother: "Why doesn't she make her stay up late to study?"

And others were pragmatic: "She should return to school after her skating career is over; what the hell is a world class athlete doing in school, when she should be focusing on her sport?"

Meanwhile, thousands of young Koreans, who idolize Yuna as their conquering hero, haven't been able to skip their classes fast enough.

"I always wanted to be like Yuna," says Yumi, eleven, "I thought that meant slaving for long hours practicing jumps and turns to skate like her... but it turns out all I have to do is avoid my schoolwork!"  Yumi has not attended class since she heard.  She tells people she is training in toronto.  Jang-soo, a young male student in Cheonan, has also been skipping his classes.  "For me, it's not so much trying to BE like her, as showing devotion.  Maybe she won't feel so bad, and maybe she'll finally answer the 174 fan-letters I've written her, if she sees that I'll even throw away my future prospects for her."

Parents across the nation are concerned that their students are doing poorly in class, on purpose, but Education Officials have a different view again.  "For one," explains Ulsan's education director, Mr. Ha, "this makes it easier for us to administer the educational districts: so much intentional absenteeism makes overcrowded classroom and teacher shortages less of a problem.  For another thing, if the undermining of a generation's education prospects is the price of having a Korean at the top of the podium, claiming "World best" status, I think most Koreans would pay that price happily."  Mr. Ha is trying to coordinate a "World Cup Support" absentee program, where students also skip class to help South Korea's team to success in the FIFA World Cup.

For parents worried about their children's suddenly nonexistent studies, Mr. Ha had some practical advice.  "Just get online and watch Yuna's short skate from the Olympics again.  Or if you feel really bad, maybe watch the long program and the medal ceremony.  By the closing bars of Korea's national anthem, you'll see why it was worth it."

Monday, 14 June 2010

The Big Rock Candy Hagwon

To the tune of "The Big Rock Candy Mountain," by Harry McClintock

The Big Rock Candy Hogwan

One evening as the sun went down and the hogwan kids were squawking,
At the Wa Bar I sipped mekju, and a waygook started talking:

"I'm heading to a school not far away, apply if you know someone;
So come on board and let's work for, the big rock candy hagwon.

"At the big rock candy hagwon, the mothers never call
they like when you play hang man, and the kids walk in the hall

"the boss knows about teaching, but he won't get in your way
he trusts you to do what you know how to do, the mothers bring gifts and appreciate you,
at the big rock candy hagwon.

"At the big rock candy hagwon, the office dinner's fun,
the big boss never gets too drunk,
backs off when folks are done

"the schedule's made months in advance and his English has no flaw
you don't have to grade, sick days are paid, nobody's ever done a midnight run
at the big rock candy hagwon.

"At the big rock candy hagwon, twelve hours a week's the max,
the school pays for a penthouse suite and it never deducts tax
the first years make three mill a month for any old degree
the students' hot aunts want in your pants, the lessons plans are all songs and chants,
at the big rock candy hogwan.

"I'll work my best where there ain't no tests, where an hour of class earns an hour of rest,

"I'll move right on, they won't know till I'm gone, and I'll never ever meet another crazy mom, three million won and a midnight run, to the big rock candy hagwon.

The song is by Harry McClintock. The words above are by Dokdo Is Ours. If anybody wants to set these words to that tune, you have both my permission and my blessing, as long as I'm allowed to put your video or MP3 on my blog.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Impartial and Totally Objective World Cup Preview

Oh my gat!

It's Korea world cup win year 2010-2012!  That's right!  Welcome at the Korea world cup South Aprica preview.  I'ts my honor for many study the football to predictions with accurate.  So after many researches (for example watch FC Seoul game, Pohang Steelers Game, Busan I'Park game, and many many Manchester United Game), I am give the best analysis for World Cup.

Today is tlak about Group B.  Also it's Korea group.  Other group is have team like the Brazil and North Korea, but Group B is definately strongest in World Cup because...

do you know why?

because KOREA! (of course)

Le'ts talk the other team first.  THere is a Argentina like coachee is Madonna.  Madonna is most pamous football play people except Fele.  Fele is the Brajil people but Madonna is Argentina (that is why sing "Don't Cry for Me" song)  Some people say coachee Madonna Kraze as a Burger (see my joke?  Like Kraze Burger! KKK) but I'm question is, if Madonna coachee Argentina, why aren't Fillet coach the Brajil team?  We watching Madonna a lot because him hands on balls always, for example 1986.

And now teaching him team player his special move.  Messy can learn it.

Korea is conservative society, so we hoping no hand on balls move during game: it can be Messy!

Next team is Nigelia, I think it's South America too because chocolate peoples is in team photo, but it can't Aprica because Aprica is already have their team in the Group A.

Anyway, Korea people is not afraid because Aprica and chocolate people is big but Korea skull is ideal shape for intelligence brain pan, plus eating metal chopsticks is KOREA have mental advantage to the chocolate people.  So.  Tall fast strong chocolate people like NBA is less important than smart, or else horses are dominant species the Earth (they is tall fast strong more than the human), this shows why Korea is win the Nigelia.

Finally is Greashi.  Them is cradle the Western civilization and Korea expect the difficult fight for them. Because them is rough playing style: for example, please watchign:

This is World Cup.

World Cup?  This Is Sparta!

However, Korea is many fast, and we are have Rain Ninja Assassin to our team if need.  Here is him playing style.  So we can equal fight if working hard.

Finally, Korea team is the smart and Kimchi power runn fast!  Everybody have DNA clone with three lungs, like Park Jisung, and working hard to Korean coachee, too.  Plus, do you know Park Jisung?  He is the Manchester United superstar, like Looney.  Park Jisung is the genius play and complexion very nice OK?

So Korea is win the world cup of course!  And especially group B.  I am predict pure blood final against North Korea and South Korea because Han blood is bester than the other one.  But after that it's so impressive the final game and no more war, so China is give Baekdusan the Korea.  And world is rename football the 축구 so that no more confusion America name (soccer) and World name (football) is stop be confusing.

In conclusion, teacher do you like football? Yes or no?

And please watching this video. I am make it for the NINE Magajing contest, but them said too long, and not about Korea. I am hate. Now NINE Magajing is EIGHT Magajing.

Most objective world cup analysis you are find the world!  It's here.

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Other Nixed Suggestions from the Brainstorming Session that Produced "Drunken Rice"

ddeokbokki - "spicy ricy penis shapes"

hongeo - "holy fuck what was that?"

soju - "The Korean Vomitizer"

jajangmyeon - "Negro noodles"

donkaseu - "Pound the pig"

sundae - "Greasy blood'n'guts"

hanjeongshik - "Proof of our superiority"

cheonggukjang - "Go home filthy foreigner... soup"

sugared garlic bread - "Authentic Italy"

soju - "Korean Dom Perignon"

makgeolli - "Flavored Burps"

san nakji (live octopus) - "PETA Puck-Off" (best with Korean pronunciation)

boshintang (dog soup) - "Pet Puree" "a man's best lunch" and "Fried Fido"

gopchang - "Barbequed Risk Materials"

chobap - "fuck you japan it's chobap, not sushi!  Fucking chobap!"

kimchi - "You wouldn't understand anyway"

bibimbap - "Please like me.  Or just let me keep calling."

These new English nicknames will be added to bilingual menus all around Korea starting next month.

Any other suggestions?  Add them in the comments!