Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Buried Kimchi Pot Fails to Bring Gold to Korea

After losing a ten inning thriller to Japan for the WBC championship, In-shik Kim revealed Korea's secret weapon for victory, only after it had failed.

The manager hailed just four minutes previously by all Korea as a genius, now faces round condemnation and possible exile for making pitcher Chang Yong Lim throw to Ichiro, rather than walking him in the tenth inning. The mistake allowed Ichiro to hit the two-run double that won the game for Japan, but it turns out manager Kim had a secret weapon on his side.

"Unfortunately it failed us."

So what was this secret weapon? A secret pitch that didn't work out? A trick play that went sour? No. The Korean baseball team, affectionately nicknamed "The Brady Bunch" had sent several L.A. based Korean-Americans on a secret mission before the first pitch of the tournament.
"After reading the story of Canada winning Hockey Gold in the 2002 Olympics by hiding a Canadian dollar under center ice in Salt Lake Ice Center, a group of loyal Korea fans buried a pot of kimchi below the pitcher's mound at Dodger Stadium, hoping that Kimchi Power would spur Korea on to victory."
Though the clandestine pot burial was successful, the strategy was not.

"We're not sure what went wrong -- I mean, kimchi power is stronger than SARS!" Manager Kim shook his head, "I'm totally baffled. I even moved my ancestors' grave sites to a different mountainside for a more auspicious future before the tournament, and had a lucky character tattooed on my chest after a recommendation from my local shaman, but none of my iron-clad strategies worked out. Damn Japanese."

The rest of Korea's players, pictured here after a prankster glued their jackets to the dugout fence, were equally disappointed."We've been eating nothing but Kimchi for days now," third-baseman Bum Ho Lee said, before shifting his weight a little. Moments later a powerful fermented garlic smell filled the press room. "You can imagine what the locker room's like. I can't believe we went through all this to lose at the last minute."
Japanese star Ichiro Suzuki, known for making garlic jokes in the past, was asked what he thought about the Korean kimchi-only diet. "It's like when you see a girl, and you pass her on the street again and again, so you hang out and you find out that she has bad teeth, but that doesn't matter because it might be destiny, and then after a few dates you find yourself kind of disliking her, but she's gotten attached, and she's passive-aggressive, but has a great rack, so you're laying there spooning on the couch, hoping to get to second base, but a little ashamed of yourself for lowering your standards, but maybe going for a sympathy screw before you break up with her, and she's needy and she sent you ten text messages that day, and she kind of smells like olives, but then suddenly a really great TV commercial comes on. That's what I think of when I think of this WBC, and playing Korea."

And what about the garlic?

Ichiro smiled. "Garlic jokes? That was so 1997. Too easy, anyway. These days I make plastic surgery jokes instead. Get with the times, man!"

So at the next World Baseball Classic, how will Korea change its repeated fate of performing well, only to be eliminated by Japan? With pitching? Strong fundamentals? More team-building and chemistry? Attention to execution and detail?

"We hope to bury the pot earlier next time, so that it will be more deeply fermented. That should fix things," Manager Kim said. "Also, we plan to poison the Japanese natto. And plant bigger flags. Like, a really fu¢king big one."

Dae Han Min Guk!

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Iowa Senator Revealed to be Korean Internet Troll


Iowa Sen. Charles Grassley revealed his true origin as a Korean internet troll when asked about the AIG executives responsible for their company's collapse. During a radio interview he said,
"I suggest, you know, obviously, maybe they ought to be removed, but I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them if they'd follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, I'm sorry, and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide.

"And in the case of the Japanese, they usually commit suicide before they make any apology."

Later in the same interview, he was asked about several other hot topics, and his responses were similar.

"Lee Hyori is a fat ho and she should kill herself."

"Tom Cruise is a stupid waste of space and he should definitely be, um, taken care of. Preferably slowly and painfully. I wish he was dead, because he's so handsome, and I can't even please my wife anymore."

"Elliot Smith lost his originality after Figure 8 and I'm glad..." for the sake of good taste, DokdoIsOurs will not complete the quote.

DokdoIsOurs contacted the senator, and asked if he thought his rhetoric was a bit extreme, and his response was true to form.

"You don't understand me or my culture. Why don't you go home and kill yourself, stupid hater? I've lived a hard life, and you should learn more about my unique situation. I'll call your workplace and have you fired, or throw bags of feces at your house, stupid racist."

Though Senator Grassley has revealed his true identity as a Korean drama-queen, whether he will start bringing sledgehammers to meetings of the American senate remains to be seen.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

In Case you English Teachers Thought You Were the ONLY Ones in Korea Asked To Dance Like Monkeys...

Looks like they're just trying to make you feel like one of the locals.

Song & Dance from ok korea on Vimeo.

Monday, 9 March 2009

Korea Stomps China 14-0 in WBC. China Closes Borders to Korean Imports

In a surprising move, China responded to their embarrassing 14-0 defeat to South Korea in the World Baseball Classic by shutting the Chinese border to any and all Korean products.

"We were embarrassed by that score: they could have backed off and made it a little less embarrassing, but we felt it was time to remind those uppity little Koreans who's boss, before they start gloating," Shiao Yuen, China's sports representative explained.

As China is one of Korea's largest export markets, this move will be devastating for the local economy. "They should have thought about that after their five-run fifth inning," Yuen said. "Who's the bitch now, Korea?"

Koreans on the street, who had been cheering their heroes moments before, were quick to turn on them. "Sure, winning's nice, but don't they understand our unique situation? They should have thought more carefully about what happens when you cross China," said Kang Doo-jeong, a housewife in Daechi. "Now we'll probably all lose our homes. What country has suffered like Korea?"

China, on the other hand, considered various responses before choosing unilateral sanctions. "We were thinking about sending the thousands of Chinese living in Korea on the warpath: they're still there, embedded quietly, ready to mobilize in a heartbeat. Scenes like this could have caused Korea enough embarrassment to make up for our drubbing as well," Yuen explained.

"But in the end, we wanted to really hit them where it hurts, you know? And that means Motorolas instead of Samsungs for all our nouveau riche in Shanghai."

And did the Chinese leadership ever consider simply taking the loss on the chin, and showing good sportsmanship?

"Hey where do you come up with questions like this? Have you ever seen the inside of a PRISON CAMP?" Mr. Yuen asked Dokdo Is Ours; the intrepid reporter decided this line of questioning would not be fruitful.

To restore good relations, the Korean minister of Economy has considered delivering the Korean baseball team to an angry Chinase mob once the World Baseball Classic ends, possibly outside a Carrefour somewhere in Hunan province, but the question is whether even that would appease Beijing, and prompt them to re-open borders.

"People need to understand our unique culture more, and respect our five-thousand-year history," Chieng Zhou, China's minister of imports and exports explained. "Our ancient culture cannot take such an embarrassment lying down. Especially when China is finally having its day in the sun, doing well on the international arena, after so many years of ignominy."

Korea's minister of Economy, Kwang Hu-seon, asked Beijing to be more flexible during negotiations to make peace: "They need to understand our unique culture, and take our five-thousand-year history into account" he said. "Our ancient culture is finally having its day in the sun, doing well in international competition after so many years of ignominy."

Thursday, 5 March 2009

I am sitting in front of a mirror as I write this, and the mirror is shaped like a map of korea, and on that mirror, I have written "Hanshik"

Original article here
By Chang Tae-pyong
Minister of Food, Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries

Hey there. How are you? Why don't you sit down and make yourself comfortable, see, I have something I want to tell you. Go ahead. Choose any chair in the room. Except mine: it hurts my piles if you sit on my lap.

I wonder if anyone's ever told you about the wonders of Korean food.

Oh. I see.

I wonder if anyone's ever told you about the wonders of Korean food recently.


I wonder if anyone's ever told you about the wonders of Korean food today.

Is that so?

Well, I wonder if I've told you about the wonders of Korean food yet today?

I have?

Well, I wonder if I've told you about the wonders of Korean food yet for a third time today?

Is that so? Well please, allow me the chance to do so.

People often ask me why ``hansik,'' or Korean food, is so important. At first, I used to reply, without it, we would have starved before foreign foods were introduced. However, after an hour locked in a room with the secret patriotism police, I realized that Hansik is the face of our country, and the very engine of our national pride. Well, the face of our national pride after hanbok (Korean kimono), Taekwondo (Korean Kung-fu, which is about to be cut from the Olympics, but still beats the hell out of lame-ass diving) kimbap (Korean sushi) Gyungbokgung (Korean Forbidden Palace) and Jeju Island (Korean Hawaii) But after those four, and possibly some others I've forgotten, hansik is certainly the sixth, or possibly seventh, face of our national pride. Oh yeah. I also forgot Hangul.

But hansik is important. It really is. See, let me tell you a story -- draw you a little analogy. Imagine the world as a human being. And that human being is Korea. And like every human being, it has skin, and bones and insides and blood, and that human being is a Korean. That Korean needs to eat, you know, and when that Korean eats, it eats hansik, making it a great Korean brand for the whole world. Maybe another world, which is a human being, but which is not Korean, comes and sees that Korean eating hansik, and wants to eat some. He will probably find it delicious, if he can eat spicy food. And if he is clever enough to use chopsticks. And take off his shoes before he enters the eating area, uncultured pig that he is. That person, who is another country, who is the world, might say, "ooh. Korean food is good." Or if he doesn't like it, he is uncultured, and should be corrected.

Do you follow? Good. No, no, no need to stand. I'm just getting started. Really, there is SO much more to say about Korean food.

In a survey by the Korea Tourism Organization, 49 percent of the tourists who came to Korea tried Korean food, and in a totally rigorous, double-blind scientific street-survey of attendees at the 2008 Korean Food Festival, 59 percent of foreigners and Korean named hansik as the first thing in their mouth when they arrived at the Korean food festival. Actually, we weren't sure what the foreigners said, because our interviewers only spoke Korean, but we're pretty sure that if we'd understood what they said, we would have heard them say that they love Korean food.

It is a little known fact, that Korean hansik is totally unique. It is the only food in the world that combines rice and vegetables and meat in various combinations, including different types of sauces and seasonings, presented in bowls, eaten with chopsticks, and served on tables. In fact, there are some who think that it was probably Koreans who invented rice in the first place, and so we claim it as a special part of our unique heritage, and have petitioned UNESCO to include rice, vegetables, chopsticks and bowls as uniquely Korean parts of world heritage. What Korean could not be overwhelmed with pride and wonder at our auspicious heritage of food!

You may have heard of the Korean mega-hit television drama/war device for world conquest, "Daejanggeum'' or Jewel in the Palace, which was also popular overseas, and we're not used to that yet here in Korea. There was food in that TV show, and the entire cast and crew regularly stopped filming to eat, and my friend, the food they ate was usually hansik.

I see this as a possibility that Korean food can be popular in other countries. In fact, numerous countries that see large numbers of Korean travelers have even opened their own Korean restaurants, and we have discovered that Korean travelers will eat hansik, even outside of Korea. While we can't expect foreigners to understand Korea's spicy food and kimchi, sending Koreans to more countries, in order to have them order Korean food from overseas, will lead us to the illusion that Korean food is internationally popular, and that thought makes me feel kind of squishy, like when Jeong-ah Kim sat in my lap on the crowded schoolbus when I was in seventh grade, and that night I had funny dreams.

Korea is abundant in fermented foods, which are healthy, tasty, healthy, tasty, and also healthy. From kimchi to condiments like doenjang (bean paste) and gochujang, to kimchi, as well as pickled and salted beans, pickled and salted sprouts, pickled and salted quail eggs, pickled and salted turnips, pickled and salted radishes, pickled and salted sesame leaves, and pickled and salted stalks, there is a veritable rainbow of pickled and salted flavors to be tasted in Korean side-dishes.

Now, the Ministry of Food, Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries aims to foster Korean dishes, farms, wood, and fishnets as a global brand, with the goal of making hansik one of the world's five most popular ethnic foods, and surpassing lame-ass Japanese food. For that purpose, the government is working on a comprehensive blueprint for a Korean food globalization initiative that involves sabotaging Japanese restaurants around the world, full-page ads in the New York Times, internet spam e-mail campaigns and netizen website attacks, and noisy protests outside the offices of news agencies that dare criticize Korean food, culture, or government.

First of all, it is working on the standardization of Korean foods, so everyone in the world can prepare and enjoy them according to recipes, and none of that mixed-blood fusion bullshit adapting pure Korean food to the local tastes. Such alterations would be a blasphemous blight on the highest form of world culture, and not even a drop of ink should be allowed in the Han river of kimchi. Those requesting special orders will be expelled from our restaurants for defiling the five-thousand year old canon of Korean food.

The ministry has recruited all the former members of VANK to become "diplomats of hansik" now that the government no longer supports their cyber-terrorism patriotism financially. They will be trained to cook only pure-blooded Korean food, and sent all around the world, paired with members of the Dokdo Riders, to sabotage those dirty, two-faced Japanese restaurants, to show world food-lovers how it's done, and to beat the shit out of sellout cooks who have changed Korean recipes in order for them to taste unique, new, or (even worse) palatable to the tastes of foreigners who obviously don't understand Korean culture. These diplomats will tell the stories of Korean food to customers eating at their restaurants, explaining the benefits of hansik long after they are asked to leave the diners to eat in peace. Eventually, their restaurants will be totally empty, all the patrons having left in their new-found enthusiasm to spread the word about the world's greatest food.

Last but not least, the ministry will continue to constantly publicize Korean foods. I will make every effort to beg, bribe or blackmail the world's most renowned chefs and food critics to recommend the virtues of hansik, to let the world know how valuable and enjoyable Korean foods are.

Hallyu, or the Korean wave, which endeared Korean pop culture to Asia and beyond, will now turn to a huge boom for Korean food. The overseas Koreans who snap up copies of Hallyu dramas nostalgically miss the Korean dishes they see in the dramas and movies they watch. The ministry will make sure that overpriced exports are readily available, so the Koreans overseas can enjoy hansik with the stories, and maybe some foreigners will smell it. We don't really care if they do, dirty-blood outsiders, but they can do whatever they want.

The second edition of the KFE is scheduled for this October. Following the inaugurating event last year, this year's food exhibition and fair will offer opportunities for the rest of the world to enjoy the enchanting world of Korean foods. We're even thinking of having bilingual signs this year.

Also, it's good for man.

(how's that, fatmanseoul?)

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Korea Wants to Mend Ties With Foreign Press...as soon as they stop saying bad things

With the new slogans,

Freedom is slavery
Meltdown is prosperity
Hypernationalism is globalization

Korea intends to mend ties with foreign press outlets, as soon as they start reporting more positive stories about Korea.

Read more here.

Monday, 2 March 2009

Memory Loss is the First Symptom of Mad Cow Disease in Korean Mothers

Fallout from last year's beef protests continue to surprise even experts. Despite four months of intense, baby-wheeling protest, American beef recently appeared on Korea's supermarket shelves.Though hundreds of thousands of concerned Koreans clotted downtown thoroughfares every weekend for months, burning candles and chanting slogans,

...since reaching the market, and despite the warnings, American beef sales have been brisk.

Though most research shows that mad cow disease may take more than a decade to show symptoms, it seems that here in Korea, thanks to Korea's special DNA, signs are appearing amazingly quickly in Korea, in the form of startling bouts of memory loss and loss of hearing.

Dokdo Is Ours investigates.

Ms. Jang, a housemother with two children in middle school, exhibited both symptoms during an interview.

Here is the disturbing conversation.

"So, Mrs. Jang, how many children do you have?"
"I have two children."
"And how old are they?"
"Fourteen and sixteen."
"So, you must feel terribly burdened to keep a good household for them."
"Sometimes I can barely fit all my work in between episodes of Boys Before Flowers! It's hard to budget a household these days, in the hard economic times."
"I see. So what are some things you do?"
"Well, I have to find the best bargains, save money so I can put my two kids in the right hogwans."
"Where can you save money when you shop?"
"Well, these days there is some new beef at the supermarket: it's much cheaper than the other stuff! I've been pinching pennies by snapping it up like mad!"
Now, preserved in this transcript, you can see the evidence of Mad Cow Disease showing itself.
"Wasn't that American beef? The same beef you protested last summer?"
"Mrs. Jang?"
--Mrs. Jang stares at her shoes--
"Didn't you protest American beef imports last summer?"
"I don't remember much about last summer," Mrs. Jang said. "I'm always so busy trying to raise my children."
"So did you go to the beef protests?"
--No answer--
"Mrs. Jang?"
--No answer--
"Can you hear me?"
"I have to pick up my kids from school."
"Do you remember anything you did last spring? Say, on June tenth?"
"I have to go."

As any reader can see, the onset of Mad Cow Disease has already exhibited itself in hearing and memory loss for Mrs. Jang.

So far, no other news sources have reported on this disturbing mass memory loss occurring all around Seoul and the rest of South Korea; hopefully, the science world will take this epidemic more seriously, before things get out of hand.

Cha Yoon-min, 14, commented on his mother's cooking "I am full of American beef," he said. "I study hard in school. I want to get a good job and then I could eat beef and just ...Who are you, Mr? Why are you pointing a microphone at me?"

Some pictures from here.