Saturday, 18 December 2010

The Twelve Hates of Christmas by Dokdo Is Ours


Sing together with Dokdo Is Ours!

On the first day of Christmas I hated viciously...
those assholes across the east sea.

On the second day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the third day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the fourth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the fifth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
interracial dating!
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the sixth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the seventh day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the eighth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
eight lanes of traffic
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the ninth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
nine ramen puke spots
eight lanes of traffic
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four rivers project
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the tenth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
ten girly boy-bands
nine ramen puke spots
eight lanes of traffic
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four hogwan moms
three dirty Chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
eleven sidewalk spitters
ten girly boy-bands
nine ramen puke spots
eight lanes of traffic
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four hogwan moms
three dirty chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, I hated viciously...
twelve hour workdays
eleven sidewalk spitters
ten girly boy-bands
nine ramen puke spots
eight lanes of traffic
seven Jappo textbooks
six office dinners
interracial dating!
four hogwan moms
three dirty chinese
two downer cows,
and those assholes across the east sea.

...and Apolo Ohno.

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Our International Festival is Welcome Korean Speaker from All Country!

This short note only, ok?  OKbuddy!

Our international pood pestival in the Busan is come.  Do you know the Busan?  It's a Korea.  City in south.  Also hub of south cities in Korea and mecca of Haeundae Bitch.

We're have international food pestibal Nobember 11-13 and tell you about, here's the website.  http://bife.co.kr/main/index.asp#.  Please come to the our pestibal.

Maybe you notice: English button is not click for English page to international pood pestibal.  But that's because our pestibal is Korea language pestibal.  Maybe you heard Hallyu.  Do you know the hallyu?  Thanks to the Hallyu now eberybody is speak the Korea talk, so international pestibal is Korea talk only now.  We're welcome Korean speaker from every country to the our pestibal.  For example, Chinese Koreans, Japanese Koreans, North Korean refugees, Korean Americans (only if speak the Korea speak though), European Koreans, Korean adoptees, Half-Koreans, and especially Hines Ward.

Also, we're welcome food demonstration from international ethnic of Koreans live away from Korea, and some food demonstration from Koreans who have travel to the overseas:

for example:

China: Jajangmyeon. That's all. Other thing is too greasy.  Kimchi with maggot
Egypt: Turkish kebap, pork stirfry with long grain rice
England: Hamburger, french fry, hot dog
USA: Pizza with special american topping like Yams (it's how called goguma in the America!)
Canada: Hamburger, french fry, hot dog
Japan: Donkaseu and kimbap and udon, kimuchi with bad funny not kimchi STOP STEAL OUR CULTURE flavor
Italy: spaghetti with sweet pickle and kimchi
Germany: Turkish kebap and barbeque ribs
Australia: Hamburger, french fry, hot dog
France: sweet garlic bread, microwave hot dog with dry ketchup on, cream fill bread (Paris Baguette is run the Prance table: it's real Paris eat!) and kimchi
New York: Jew food like bagle.  And kimchi
Aprica: haha! Just kidding.  Everybody know Aprica is hungry country and no food.  But if we find brack people, we bring them to the Aprica table.  Maybe give they some food.
Aprica: Hamburger, french fry, hot dog.
North Korea: UN Food Aid Rations.  Kimchi.

Korea speaker from every country can enjoy globalized hub of world mecca food in the Busan.
See you there!  (If you are can read the map for find it.  That's Korean too)

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

I am Want Explain the Visa is Prostitute but English teacher HIV still.

Hellow.

It is a time explain some thing that foreigner misunderstanding about the Korea.

You see, these day, E2 visa teacher is HIV test now, but E6 and E9 migrant worker visa is not.  

But after I'm logic, you understand my reason, and you will agree the HIV test.

For example.  But before see my reason, I'm give you example the beautiful Han virtuous culture we are try protect, so that you're see why so important for make these rule.


OK.

Now to begin, every mother know that foreigner English teacher training include the blood throw lesson.

What is the blood throw lesson?  Of course you know it's well known with Korean mother that every foreign English teacher have secret "Blood day" when they are take their blood - some clean and some dirty blood - and as joke they are throw it onto student!

Don't pretend you arent' knew that.  It's a true!  It happen in my sister's neighbor school three times because they aren't deport the bad teachers fastly enough.

Second reason: is

E6 enterntainer is many south asian and russian people visa.  But my explain is this: you know russian people is dirty country and so forth.  Also south asia or aprica people is darker the skin.

Because darker the skin and russian face, good, pure Korea people virtuous woman is never sex to them: they are know it's bad, because teach ethics in Korean school, with special unit about the negroe and south-asia pykmy.  Maybe dirty girl is sex to them, but not virtuous han girl with scary aprica or smelly india or noisy china people!  Therefore, we aren't care to HIV into dirty girls.  And if HIV is dirty men who are have prostitute, they can die and Korea is cleaner, mans who cheat the wife will die and woman is free the asshole, so want also.

But blue eye voodoo is English teacher foreigners English spell.  Even a virtuous han girl in good family is sometimes seduce!  It's the UNACCEPTABLE!

Therefore English teacher is still HIV in visa.  That way, you can sex the virtuous han good family but not caught by give AIDS, so she pretend still virgin.

She happy. You happy. She parents happy.  (Just don't try marry the her)  EVERYBODY happy.

Please understand our situation.

Thank you for my chance explain a logically to you.  Now I'm sure understand!

Have a nice day.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Announcement: Korea To Avoid Responsibility for Korea/South Asian Mix Children until One Wins Superbowl

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2010/10/117_74914.html

As the number of half-Korean children, born to Korean and South-Asian parents, increases, a recent report shows that many do not receive adequate care when their mothers return to south-asia after divorces with their Korean fathers.

However, both as a nation, and individually, Korea, and Korean fathers, have declared they will shirk responsibility for these children as much as possible, until one of them wins a superbowl, and brings glory to Korea.

"We saw how the Hines Ward story was so heartwarming: the reconciliation theme as the Superbowl MVP's home country finally opened its arms to welcome him home. Really, we're hoping for something similar to happen in South Asia."

After being born in Korea, Hines Ward, the son of a Korean mother and an African-American soldier, was taken to America by his mother, in hopes of a better life. The stigma against mixed babies, and particularly against mixed babies that were half Korean and half...the darker races, proved too much for Ward's mother to raise him in Korea.   Ultimately, Hines Ward became an NFL Football player, and won the Superbowl MVP with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Korean minister of Culture, Sports, Tourism and Funny Hats, Jung Han-won, explained the situation.  "You know, if we start trying to find ways to provide for all those babies, or hold Korean fathers legally responsible for their mixed kids, they will be hobbled financially, and unable to produce and raise real Korean babies.  That would just be a shame.  Unacceptable, really.  So Korea will try to avoid taking any responsibility for these babies, for the sake of the birthrate."

Asked how failing to support mothers of Korean children would help make women feel empowered to have more babies, Min. Jung suddenly remembered another appointment, and excused himself from the interview.

A travel agent specializing in trips to the Philippines, Kim Hye-soon, dislikes this decision, and wishes that Korean support for the mothers of half-Korean babies extended not just to the divorced mothers returning to South-Asia, but also to the mothers of illegitimate half-Korean "Kofino" babies fathered by Korean men on sex vacations to the Philippines.  "It's getting harder to find brothels, hostels, and human traffickers who will work with me, when they know Korean men refuse to use condoms on their sex vacations, and once impregnating a woman, run back to Korea, where there is no legal recourse to extract child support payments for their children," she explains.  "Often it's because they're married, but if they're married, isn't that all the more reason to use a goddamn condom, and not bring home a nasty surprise for the wife?"

Kwak Seon-yu, the male tour guide who led many of these Philippine expeditions, disagrees.  "These men are full of confucian virtue: it is the height of discretion to leave the country completely if one wants to cheat on one's wife, and an admirable sign of confucian modesty and restraint that he does not want to boast of his virility, by taking responsibility for the babies he has fathered.  These are true sons of Tangun!"

Gia Agbayani, mother of a healthy Kofino boy, has taken her destiny into her own hands.  "After reading the Hines Ward story, I've gathered a soccer team's worth of these half-Korean boys, and I'm training them to play," she explains.  "If they can start winning when they get older, and especially if they can perform in the World Cup, or get contracts in the EPL or another top European league, maybe we can see a heart-warming story like Hines Ward's here in the Philippines, and those Korean baby-daddys will finally be unable to hide their dalliances."

Dokdo Is Ours, reporting.

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Korea Under 17 Soccer to Start K-Pop Band

After winning the Women's Under-17 World Cup of Soccer last month, Korea's Under-17 Women's Soccer Team has revealed larger ambitions.

"Well," explains team star Yeo Min-ji, the tournament's leading scorer, "Coming from a country where women are often considered second-class citizens, it always burned us the way Korean Men's soccer got all the attention during the world cup, but not a single member of the women's team got a cosmetics endorsement, or even an awkward beer commercial."

"So we've decided to do what all Korean teenage girls want to do, if they want to become more famous: we're going to become pop stars."

SM Entertainment confirmed the report, saying that the entire twenty-three woman roster had signed identical twelve-year slave contracts, and that training in dance moves and sexy contortions would begin in November.

"Usually we have to train those lazy girls, whose only self-discipline comes from dancing into their webcams," explained Jung, SM Entertainment's main talent scout.  "These girls come to us already in the peak of physical condition, which gives us high hopes, as long as we can get them to move in unison."

Stylist Kang Young-ju, SM Entertainment's fashion consultant, has done initial beauty consultations with each of the girls, "They came in pretty confident, having just won the under-seventeen world cup; I had to spend a lot of time shaming them for their big faces, lacks of v-lines and s-lines and x-lines, for their over-muscular legs and energetic demeanors, before they really realized how far they had to come before they could accomplish anything in the world: what man would find a vivacious, strong and fit woman attractive?  But don't worry.  By the time I'm done, they'll know how to demur, lower their eyes, play aegyo, and act like passive kittens."

PR Coach Han Sohn-gyu also encouraged the victorious players to be more careful about how they spoke to the press.

"Stop talking about all this soccer stuff: the last thing a man wants to hear about is a woman telling him she's really good at kicking balls," he explained, shuddering, "from now on, I want them to use adjectives like 'silly' and 'dumb old me' to talk about themselves, not 'ass-kicking,' 'conquering,' or 'world-class'."

Everyone at SM entertainment is excited about the prospect of a 23-member K-pop band.  "There's just so, so, so many!  If one of them isn't a good dancer, we can just put her in the back row, but 23 young girls doing dance moves in skirts: we'll have our audiences hypnotized, even if they don't have any talent!  And from what I've seen in their first dance trials, they might not."

"We'll have them ready to be pop-stars in no time.  Then, their mothers will truly be proud."

And if they fail at K-pop stardom?

"Well, there are always two other ways to success in Korea: passing the bar exam, or marrying a doctor," explained Yeo Min-Ji's mother, who refused to comment on her daughter's habit of playing sports.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Korean Macarena the 꼭지점 Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu is World Virus Video! Hallyu! Korea Korea Korea!


Hello!  You think I'm forget to you, don't it, reader?  But I'm can't forget!  It's too much my love Korea, and want your love also.  So today.  Oh!  So proud!

Let me explain.  Do you know Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu?  I tell you.  It's a Korea dance crazy for example like tell me dance!  In fact, it's Korean Macarena!  Except nobody heard about.  Except Korea people world cup danseu people is know.  And we make the dance for promote Korea culture the world by create world craze through South Aprica World Cup so everybody know Korea.

Also Kroea invent Vuvuzela.

Here is Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu.  (from source is here)

I'm want your watchi very carepully. Famous 2006 World Cup Dance! World Craze!


Because now it's little girl: she is love Korea piety.  Her have watchi Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu many time, and then make her dance virus!

If look the video, you can see two thing:  One: the girl dance like virus am spread, just as Korea wave spread and everybody can't resist love the Korea culture like Gok-Ji-Jeom when they are see.

Two: The girl love for the Korea one blood people is purely like her purely smile and touching: certainly she am good daughter and filial duty also patriotic piously to Korea!  Her big smile show: I'm think she have kimchi in her teeth too.

Now watch it's danseu exact same the Gok-Ji-Jeom.  EXACT!  It have arm and leg move, like Gok-Ji-Jeom.  It have people move same time like Gok-Ji-Jeom.  It have big corporate sponsor (it's a world brand Samsung!11!!) like Gok-Ji-Jeom!  Watch her pure love to the Korea spread like virus to every town people!


Maybe you say "This dance are totally different."  or maybe you say "Only it's Korea media call Gok-Ji-Jeom" or maybe you say "Other country people don't know Gok-Ji-Jeom and don't know it's Korea Dance and don't care if Korea dance or just little girl cute dance." or maybe you say "Jesus Christ, Korea, just fucking get over yourselves already" and maybe you am have point... but here my answer, completely disprove your question:

Why are you hate the korea?  You go home monkey white hater people!  I'm hate your criticize!  So hate!  Your foreigner stay away Korea people korea lady no touchi you stupid big nose exploitation to the Korea culture!  I'm insult you on the bus if I'm see!  I'm hate hollywood! I'm hate Marilyn Monroe and her beautiful round breasts and hate your go home leave us alone! and die yankee scum fuckbag! but please spending tourism money and tell friend "Hey! Come to Korea! It's great!" first before eat shit and die.

Here am another Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu for compare: its' exact!  Like Dokdo Map accurate and glory to Korea!



SEE? Exactly the same as little girl who love the Korea. If you're disagree my friends crash to your server, put your personal informations on Naver so everybody see and join hate you like Jim Hewish.

(source: Herald.  Sometimes you get it, too.)

More Gok-Ji-Jeom: so great! (see the more: all exactly same like dance virus and same as little girl dance! Really!)

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Seoul's 2022 World Cup Bid Includes Conquest Plans for North Korea

After reading the article, "Korea to Share Games with North if Chosen to Host 2022 World Cup," Dokdo Is Ours tracked down Park Yu-tu, to discover further details about such a boggling proposition. Here is the interview as it transpired.

DIO: So, Mr. Park, you're in charge of South Korea's World Cup 2022 bid?

Park: That's correct. I mange the slush funds, the callgirls, the promotional materials, and I lead the 'outlandish promises' team.

DIO: And how many people are on the outlandish promises team?

Park: About forty-million.  Some of them are working on finding ways to control Korea's soccer players by remote access, through computer chips in their heads, so that our Starcraft champions can control our players the way they control their armies in Starcraft.  We'd be invincible!

DIO: So, tell me more about this plan to include games in North Korean sites in the 2022 World Cup.

Park: Well, because we're not totally sure about North Korea's leadership over the next decade, we of course have several contingencies, all of which were presented to the FIFA inspectors during our pitch last week.

DIO: And what are some of those contingencies?

Park: After talking with North Korea, they're happy to participate in the World Cup if it means more famous people will be photographed visiting North Korea, in order for their journalists to make up regime-friendly quotes for them.  Also, because the host team automatically qualifies for the World Cup, the North is very interested in providing housing and food for the opposing teams, and they seemed particularly excited about providing breakfast for opposing team players on game days.  I can't imagine why.  They say they are designing special hotel suites for players from other countries, so they'll be especially prepared to play the home team.

DIO: Were there any qualifiers attached to this cooperation?

Park: Well, if FIFA insists on inspecting these hotel rooms before the game days, the North will withdraw its cooperation.  Unless the FIFA inspectors are the same people as the nuclear inspection team that investigated North Korea's WMD development programs from 1999-2004.

DIO: And what if North Korea DOES fail to cooperate?

Park: That's contingency number one, of course.  As you can see on these diagrams, extensive plans for the conquest of North Korea were also presented to the FIFA team: we're confident that if we attack in 2018, we can defeat North Korea and have soccer stadiums finished by 2021 - well ahead of time.  The unification of the Korean peninsula would be a great backstory to the games, too: "World Cup of Unification!" So heartwarming! Imagine! Hey! Maybe that could be the theme song!  John Lennon's 'Imagine.'  A defeated North Korea would make an ideal host, really: the broken will of the people will make the people very pliant service-workers in the hotels and restaurants.  Plus, we'll be making them work for no pay - victor's rights and all - so the World Cup will be guaranteed to come in under budget.

DIO: Very interesting.  So what other outlandish promises were made during the bid?

Park: Oh, the usual: legions of creamy-thighed virgins, economic prosperity, safe return of their missing sons, a special off-center balanced ball that will lead to scads of goals, and of course, free Samsung phones for everyone!

DIO: So you're saying that South Korea will go to war to host the World Cup again?

Park: You say that as if there's something wrong with that.  I haven't mentioned contingency two yet, have I?

DIO: And that would be?

Park: The conquest of whichever country IS awarded the 2022 World Cup - that contingency was presented to the FIFA Inspectors as well, and they are well aware that we have all their home addresses.

DIO: Don't you think the threat of violence is a bit extreme?

Park: Hey man!  Why are you hate the Korea?  You should learn more the Korea, or Yankee Go Home!  I'm think you don't anything the Korea.  Just chase Korean girl, disrespect Korea culture!  Why you hate the Korea so much?  Oh MY GAT!  I so ANGRY!!

Unfortunately, the interview was ended at that point, when Park Yu-tu attempted to have Dokdo Is Ours stand on a trap door and drop him into a shark tank.

Saturday, 11 September 2010

Civil Service Exam to be Scrapped for Sake of Restoring Proper Gender Proportions

original article

For literally centuries, Korea's best and brightest young men gathered in the capital for the civil service exam: one of the hardest, and most prestigious exams in the country.  According to education scholars, those who succeeded were awarded with high positions of government service, leading to intense competition to be among those brilliant young men who entered the King's courts on scholarly talent alone.

Yet recently, the austere position of government service has been sullied, more and more so in recent years, and many top policy makers are upset.  "It used to be that passing this exam meant something," complains Ryu Gwang-jo, "I remember being alerted that I'd passed back in 1972, and looking forward to working with Korea's most capable male minds over a long career of soju rounds, hands on my male colleagues' thighs in jimjilbangs, and ass-gropings of waitresses at the hoeshik.  No prospect could have made me more excited!"

Unfortunately for Ryu and others like him, in recent years, female applicants have been equaling, and even surpassing men's performance on the civil service exam.  "It seems like every entry level worker in our office these days is a female -- I don't even know what to do with them!  I can only drink so much coffee in a day, and eat so many sammiches - after I'm full, I don't know how to give all these females orders."  Ryu holds up his left hand.  It shakes noticeably.  "That's from all the caffeine!"

Ryu was not the only official to notice the disturbing trend: the board responsible for civil service human resources sought a way to restore the proper gender ratio for a prestigious job like civil service.  "We've decided to move to a system of open recruiting - interviews and applications and the like - similar to the way chaebols like Samsung and LG keep their workforces overwhelmingly male" recruiting has an added bonus.  "By hiring pretty but untalented women, and finding excuses to pass over talented, bright, or highly educated and ambitious women like the ones who have been entering the civil service, we will more easily justify the fact none of the females in our system are being promoted above middle-management.  I'm looking forward to my own pretty, leggy, but useless secretary.  At least she won't know where to make a formal complaint if I proposition her, like my last secretary."

Others point out other benefits of the new hiring policy: "We'll be able to hire more male law graduates, and all those talented females wasting years studying for the civil service exam will now be encouraged to get secretarial work, wait tables, scoop ice cream, or make babies.  I anticipate a future where many more males will feel proud of their contributions to society," explains Park Jo-moon, one of the architects of the new hiring policy.

Mr. Park sits back, pleased with himself.  "This also comes in good time, because if any more women passed the exam, we'd have to redesign our government office buildings, which only have men's bathrooms on most floors."

And what will the smart, well-educated, ambitious women who have been preparing for the exam do?  "Let them take the bar exam," suggests Park, "while it lasts."  Sang Gyeong-mo, president of the Korean Bar Association, is already planning for such an event.  "We're already looking at adding new requirements to the Bar, in order to be sure Korean lawyers' ranks remain overwhelmingly male.  You may know that females are gaining fast on men in passing the bar as well: whether passing an interview or a law school course will be prerequisite to taking the bar exam - which would put the requirement of filtering out uppity females on universities' law school admissions officers - or whether the final portion of the bar exam will be writing a word with urine in the snow, believe me, we'll find a way."

No women were interviewed for their opinions on this new change.  Why would they be?  Dokdo Is Ours doesn't want to waste his time listening to a bunch of talk about pink things and babies.

Friday, 3 September 2010

Korea Times: You're Shitting Me, Right?

screenshot.
Yeah, it's like shooting fish in a barrel, but come on, KT.  At least fucking TRY!

Source.  Some of the best parts (before they go back and fix it) from the text:


It has been claimed that drug felon Paris Hilton, 29, used her body as a hiding place for her drug.

A longtime friend of Hilton said Tuesday on ianundercover.com that Paris....has since avoided police arrest by hiding drugs in a lubricated condom in her vagina.
...

an interview from an anonymous source, published on a blog, saying bad things about Paris...


“Paris has used all kinds of drugs for years,” said the blog a day before. “She needs rehab more than anyone in Hollywood, including Lindsay Lohan. I went to high school with her and even there she was totally out of control.”


and, surprise, surprise, the e-mail address at the bottom of the page (kwh8121@gmail.com) is the exact same as the one about Jennifer Anison's secret threesome genitalia from earlier this week.  When called for an interview, KT's copy editor had no further comment.

Also: breaking news:

It's great to be the Boss's nephew! (from the same guy)
Readers, that'll be the last time I pick on the KT for a while.  There are some Chosun Ilbo photographers ripe for a lampooning, and while I'm sure KT will continue to provide me with fish in the barrel, it gets boring.

Plus, my eyes hurt, and I think my I.Q. just dropped.

Monday, 30 August 2010

Meet the Korea Times' Copy Editor: "It's Hard Typing in Perfect English with One Hand"

From the Korea Times Handbook of Style and Journalism Ethics

Dokdo Is Ours recently had the opportunity to talk to the copy editor of The Korea Times.  The interview transcript follows:

DIO: So, your job is copy editing for the Korea Times: that means you check for English errors in the article?

Korea Times Copy Editor: Boobs. Blondes. Boobs. Blondes.

DIO: Lately, it seems like there have been numerous English errors in the Korea times: especially in articles about western celebrities.  Do you have anything to say about that?

KTCE: Boobs. Blondes. Boobs. Blondes.

DIO: So did you read this article as carefully as you normally read articles, checking for mistakes?

KTCE: Boobies.  Boobies.  Lesbian.  Boobies.  Lesbian.  BLONDE LESBIAN!  Jessica Alba!

DIO: Did you notice there was an article attached to this picture of Jennifer Aniston?

KTCE: ANNNNISSSSSTOOOOOONNNNNN!  Boobieboobieboobieboobie.

DIO: No, no.  The ARTICLE!

KTCE: What article?

DIO: Is the Korean translation of the article grammatically correct?

KTCE: Yuh yuh. yuh.

DIO: Don't you feel bad for the Koreans who read these articles to try and learn English, and are presented with so many English errors that the article's English translation isn't only useless, it's actually HARMFUL to their English study?

KTCE: Boobies.

DIO: You're a terrible reporter!  You can't even write in fucking English!

KTCE: Hey back off, man.  It's hard typing with one hand; you want me to do it in perfect English, too?

Rule 72 in the Korea Times Handbook of Journalism Ethics and Style Rules:

If it's about naked hollywood stars, google translate will do.  'cause nobody's reading the articles except Dokdo Is Ours.
(article here)

The rest of the article was about the KTCE's hobby, drumming.  In it, you finally get to see Dokdo Is Ours' face, after many years of anonymity:


Update:

to stop the bleeding, and the humiliation, Korea Times has shortened and edited the article in question: compare this screencap with the previous one.  Maybe the KT should pay DIO for his/her editing services, if they plan to continue use this blog as a content quality control indicator.

Friday, 27 August 2010

A Totally Objective Analysis of Kim Yuna's Split with Brian Orser 김연아 아이구!

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/sports/2010/08/136_72057.html



Oh my gat!  I are so much upsets!  Kim Yuna beautiful Korea people skating hero have the break up to Blian Oseo.  Until the four years their partner team is study the skate bery hard and many chapionship!  Also she is sing very pretty.



Now my got is job journalist, after two year Kim Yuna fan club, and follow Kim Yuna to tournament places for see him skate, and I am the Korea Times writing about a Kim Yuna.  Sometimes my article are reject, for example "Kim Yuna wear pretty shirt today" and "Kim Yuna the Mother good and Happy Is Win Fighting!" and "Yuna Yuna Yuna Yuna Egg & Yuna" and "Here is Words I wrote To Chames Bont Thema Yuna Is Skate At" but my editor is say isn't news.

But my is shacked that Blian Oseo have break the Kim Yuna.  Before I am think the Blian Oseo are great Canada people teacher and kind even though gay.  But now I am see she real chalacter.  Some people say Yuna also shouln't the twitter her ugly breakup detail, but it's dirty lie! Yuna are the twenty years so he make mistake sometime, but Oseo is adult guy so him responsible her tell the breakup embarrass story on he wtwitter.

Yuna so innocent.  My love are pure.  Here am favorite my picture to her.  I'm feel like funny.

AIGO!  Him is betray the Kim Yuna!  Them is not write contract for example exploit people, and then him said lie, and another and another lie, so that the Yuna group music secret out and pretty Yuna embarrass.  Why him tell the lie people not fair for him?  Him is same the Canada people English teacher complain, want communication not lied to why they don't understand she situation?  First I'm thought Canada people are good guy and kind but him bet guy.  Also gay.  Korea people him is strangi.  And hate.  Him not the Guus Hiddinkeu!  I bery disappoint and angry.  I hope him skate is breatk.  First I thought Jim Hewish is hate most, or Apolo Ohno, but now hate Oseo is more.

If her pressure or sad too much, then maybe retire, then it's Oseo's fault!  HATE!  Bepore Canada was my good best country because Oseo, but not it's my hate country.  I change my children class to England people English teacher class because Jim Hewish Australia, Blian Oseo Canada and Apolo Ohno America people: everybody is hate!

Except if Yuna is retire maybe she make more aircon commercial with tight pants.  Then happy.

pictures are find the here: many storehouse of pretty and innocent pictures of the pure at chosun!

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Sing, o muses!

Due to various factors, your intrepid reporter Dokdo Is Ours is not finding the kinds of inspiration he/she used to.

Or maybe I just got a job with the Korean Tourism Organization, and I get to be paid to write like this.

Or maybe I've been living back in America for a year already and my backlog of posts finally got published.

Or maybe I'm just bummed that Korean Rum Diary vanished completely.

Or maybe it's time to make space for another Korea comedy blog.

Or maybe I just had my fifteenth birthday and I'm finally allowed to date, so I have other things on my... mind.

Or maybe it's just friggin' hot, and I'll get inspired again in October, when it's cooler.

Anyway, your intrepid reporter will continue reporting on all things Korea... but probably not as often as before.

Thank you, my loyal readers (all 94 of you).  You've made it a lot of fun so far.

And if you have an article you wrote that would fit on DIO, e-mail it to me, and I'll totally run it.  Yes, Jon Huer, I'm talking to you.

DIO

Monday, 26 July 2010

Kim Tae Hee Enters Korean Pantheon: Perfectly Proportioned Face Makes Her Korea's Shania Twain

At long last, Kim Tae-hee is ready to join the ranks of Korea's truly elite stars.  While she has made her mark in TV and commercial entertainment, and particularly in modeling, she could never before claim a to be one of Korea's elite.


It is well known that Moon Geun-yeong is "Korea's little sister" and likeable popstar Kim Geon-mo is "Korea's singer".  Meanwhile, Jung Ji-hoon or Rain is Korea's Justin Timberlake, Han Ga-in is Korea's Olivia Hussey, Um Jung-hwa is Korea's Madonna, Lee Jun-ki is Korea's Sandra Bullock, and Bae Yong-joon is Korea's Julia Roberts.  However, with the recent release of a study into the proportions of stars' faces, it has been revealed that Shania Twain's face follows the golden ratio, the ideal proportions for beauty.  Kim, also known for having a face with ideal proportions, describes the moment she heard the news.

"I was sitting in a noraebang being propositioned by another rich old creep for sponsorship when I got the text messsage.  I jumped off his lap so quickly my elbow nearly broke his nose, and I ran out of the sketchy singing room to call my mother."  Her mother was crying with joy.  "At last, you can be validated for your unique place in Korea's star constellation, by being known as Korea's version of someone more famous!" her mother gushed.  "From now on, you will be known as Korea's Shania Twain!"  With this new status, Kim Tae-hee will no longer allow herself to be propositioned for 'sponsorship' by rich creeps in sketchy noraebangs: henceforward, she will be propositioned for 'sponsorship' by chaebol creeps in luxurious noraebangs!

Now that the archetype of which she is a derivative has been found, Kim Tae-hee can have her star on "Korea's Hollywood's Walk of Fame" - a sidewalk with stars carved into it, that is smaller and less impressive than the original Hollywood Walk of Fame.  "We always liked Kim Tae Hee," said Chung Won-jae, curator of the unimpressive alley in Yeongdeungpo, near Korea's Times Square, "but without a better version of her from another country, we couldn't put her on the walk, with her picture being overshadowed by a larger, better picture of another star: Shania Twain, in this case."
Kim Tae hee's face (picture) to be overshadowed by a larger, better picture of Shania Twain

The induction ceremony is expected to be soon.  "We might have it on Korea's Thanksgiving, or maybe on Korea's Independence Day, or on Korea's New Year's, or possibly the birthday of Korea's Sir Walter Raleigh - Admiral Lee Sunshin."

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

To Attract more Tourism, Bundang to Change Spelling to Poon-Tang

Municipal officials in the sattelite city of Bundang, south of Seoul, are catching onto the trend of re-spelling Korean things in order to make them more popular.  "We're really convinced that changing the spelling of Bundang will put it on every tourist map in the world," explains Min Sung-hoo, head of the Gyeonggi Municipal Promotions Committee.  "Changing the spelling to Poon-Tang makes the city's name more fun to pronounce: listen - poon tang! Poon Tang!  POON-TANG!'"  Min's shouting startled others eating in the cafe where Dokdo Is Ours was interviewing him.

Min also described the rigorous process of testing out the new name.  "The new name rated especially high with male interviewees: we surveyed about a hundred foreigners in and around Itaewon, and asked 'What do you think of Bundang?'"  Responses varied from "boring and over-priced" to "never heard of it," and "too new: no atmosphere.  Good shopping, though."  When asked, "What do you think of poon-tang?" the response was like night and day.  Female responses were somewhat more positive: "Not really my thing, but some people like it." or "A lot of guys I know don't care about anything else!" or "You followed me down the block to ask me THAT?" but the male interviewees were incredibly positive: "I love it!" "It's all I think about!" "It's why I came to Korea!" "I want it as often as I can have it!"  "I can't get enough."  "It's the main motivation for almost everything I do."  This indicates that the name Poon-Tang is a much better, more positive name than Bundang; we expect a huge increase in male tourists after the name change: I've heard before that every male English teacher comes to Korea looking for Poon-Tang".

Other agencies are also considering other spelling changes that are expected to improve foreigners' awareness or positive image, including:

Bibimbap: Pee Pee Poop
Soju: Sew Jew
To attract young tourists: Jeju-do will be Jeju d'oh!
Gunja district will be re-named "Ganja"
and Weidae University will be re-named "Weed, Eh?" both of which appealed strongly to Canadians.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

UN Secretary of Sustainability Praises Korea's World Leading Fight Against Overpopulation

While countries like India and France continuing multiplying like earth-raping rabbits, Jans Feyrn, the UN's Head Undersecretary of Sustainability praised Korea's commitment to population control.  "Korea's birthrate is one of the lowest in the world; while other countries' populations are ballooning and raising worries that the planet's finite resources cannot sustain them, Korea's work in the area of birthrate reduction has been seminal, and is a model for other countries to emulate."

Overpopulation is an awkward area of study, and a controversial one: most other cases of excellent population control have come along with either destructive wars ("Korea had one of those, too," notes Jans Fejrn, excitedly), totalitarian regimes (Last year, Kim Jong Il and his oppressive regime won the Rousseau Award, joining past recipients like Josef Stalin and Chairman Mao, for biggest proportional population decreases in a single year), or fierce resistance from religious groups- "Our agency once drew up a plan to have abortion clinics attached to Dunkin Donuts shops in the US, only to have it smothered by Church resistance."  However, Korea's population control has followed an entirely new model.

"We commend Korea for developing a multi-pronged approach.  Many other landmark population control leaders have focused too much on one area, for example the elimination of actual or perceived political enemies or rivals; others have only managed significant population declines at the cost of infrastructure and government collapses, which leads to packs of roving refugees. These old models are also too often associated with atrocities and horrors, giving population control a bad name."

Instead of following the old models, Korea has attached so much shame on the act of female extramarital sex, and so much financial burden on unmarried child-rearers, that all abortions are voluntary: even going through the motions of toughening legislation against them cannot surmount the inflexible stigma against unwed mothers.  Meanwhile, the atmosphere of hypercompetitiveness and cripplingly long hours demanded by the work culture make it unfeasible for women to work and raise children.  "It's ingenious!" gushes Fejyrn, "while those pesky women's and human rights groups are appeased by putting the laws in the books, social mores have crystallized and rendered moot all the legislation in the world!  Stalin could never have been clever enough to force all the women in his nation to opt out of childbearing for fear of feeling socially obligated to either quit their jobs or be branded as bad mothers."

According to Feyrn, and his agency's June report, "Korean Population Control: A Contrast of Models, North and South: Stalin vs. Socialization," in Korea, even if one chooses to have children, the pressure to send kids to a top school, and the associated pressure to dedicate the entire family budget to private schooling, have created an atmosphere where people truly feel it's their own choice to avoid or delay having children, rather than writing and enforcing punitive laws against having too many children, as has raised controversy in China.  "While controlling overpopulation, the goverment uses social mores and conventions, and the perception of obligations, and the fear of being judged by peers, to appear squeaky clean to rights groups, while still reducing the birthrate to world-best levels!"

So how can other countries imitate Korea's model?  "It'd take a complex strategy;"  A full implementation of the Korean model would require simultaneously sullying the reputations of all but a very narrow range of careers, and a very small number of universities, in order to increase perceived competition and increase the cost of education to prohibitive levels; creating working conditions which make balancing a career and a family impossible, and raising a generation of men who feel entitled to have a wife who will stay home and raise kids while keeping house without any help from them, so that women feel forced to choose single life over the blind alley of marriage... but with careful social planning and manipulation of public perception, all three could probably be accomplished at once.

Now, Feyrn's eyes look off in the distance, dreamily: "When the whole world is like Korea, we will finally be out of danger of over-taxing the world's resources, and environmental meltdown will cease to be a legitimate danger to humanity.  We hope the entire rest of the world implements twelve-hour workdays, if every family on Earth felt that their children must become Doctors, Lawyers, or shames to their families, we might be on our way to environmental salvation, and true sustainability!"

Saturday, 10 July 2010

After Three Months in Korea, Canadian English Teacher Ready To Run For President



After three months, English teacher Brian Gleeman, from Canada, believes he has been in Korea long enough to run for president.  "Let me tell you," Brian said, "I've seen how it is, and I've got some ideas that could really turn this country around."


From his priveledged vantage point as a Hagwon after-school teacher for elementary-age students, "AND middle school!" he says, Brian Gleeman believes he knows what the country needs.  "well, people just need to relax, and accept other ways of living," Brian said.  "For example, people have to accept that some kids aren't going to a top university.  I've figured that out.  Like Tae-hee, my student in class 2B... Her parents should just sign her up for sports or something."

Brian's Korean co-teachers seem very impressed with Brian.  "He's always telling us to tell the mothers to stop focusing on tests and let kids be kids," colleague K, his main co-teacher sighed.  "He's doing this technique that he says will change the whole education atmosphere in Korea once it catches on, where he plays games with kids and doesn't give homework, so that learning is 'fun' for them.  He sure has a lot of new ideas."

The mother of a student from Brian's highest-level class, Mrs. B, has another take on things: "My Suji is happy, but her score on her last grammar test at school was her lowest ever.  I'm just not seeing the results of Brian's 'fun' philosophy."

When asked for a comment, Brian explained that he would tell Mrs. B to stop focusing on results... if he could speak Korean.  Last week, Brian submitted his candidacy for Korean president.  Though he had no political party affiliation, no Korean language ability, and doesn't meet the citizenship requirememnt, he's confident that the electoral regulators will make an exception for him, once they hear his ideas.

Among his platforms?
Regarding globalizing the economy: "Globalization is the future, you know?  If Korea doesn't get involved in globalization, they'll be left behind.  I keep telling my co-teachers this."

Regarding the suicide crisis?  "We have to show people there's hope, and they'll stop killing themselves.  That's why I'll campaign on a platform of hope.  Give people something to live for, you know?  Also, confucianism."

Regarding internet freedom and economic protectionism?  "Well, it's freedom, you know?  People should be free - like, I always see people, and they're NOT free, you know?  In the PC room, they're like slaves to society.  It makes me so sad.  But they SHOULD be.  Free, I mean."

Other platforms: "I'd just tear down all those office buildings and bring back the traditional-style Korean houses.  Those things are beautiful!  And I'd support business.  For the economy.  But shorten the work week.  And make people not be so psycho."

Despite his supposed handicaps: language, experience, and party affiliation, Grandmother Kang, who takes care of Brian's student Seon-ju while her parents work late nights, likes his chances.  "His eye-smile and small face are so handsome, and I really think his blonde hair is naturally curly!  Henseom gai!"

Sunday, 4 July 2010

With Blood Types Debunked, Korean Scientist Creates New Personality Test: Which Country's Beef Do You Like

Though blood-type personality profiles have been thoroughly debunked, it has left a puzzling gap in Korea's social customs: young single Jang Woon-wook explains, "I was at a blind date, and I asked my date, flirtatiously, 'what's your blood type?' - normally she'd tell me, or make me guess - a sign of interest.  Instead, she just muttered, 'That stuff's crap, you know.'  I was embarrassed, but what's worse, we had to just sit in awkward silence from 8:27-8:41: the prescribed time for blood-type discussion, according to the latest "Neo-Confucian Handbook For Manners and Everything in Life: How not to be Judged Wanting by Your Aunt"

"To my great relief, she offered to read my palm two minutes earlier than the handbook dictates, grabbing my sweating hand at 8:39, resuming awkward flirtation and possibly saving the date."

Hundreds of potential babies have not been conceived already, thanks to spoiled potential marriages caused by these awkward date moments traceable to Dr. Kim Hyung-soon's peer reviewed article in the latest New England Journal of Medicine, titled, "Blood Types Are Utter Bullshit."  In it, Dr. Kim completely dismantles the old belief in blood-typing so prevalent in Korea; however, he had not anticipated the side-effect.

"I didn't realize blood typing had made it into the New Neo-Confucian Handbook's dating chapter, or I would have thought twice about publishing," Dr. Kim explains.

Fortunately, those awkward dating moments might be resolved with an emergency update to the handbook, now that another Korean doctor and dietician has come up with a new profile-type test that can make for an interesting blind-date conversation topic:  "Which Country's Beef Do You Like?"  An article in Cosmo Korea, pending peer review, outlined the basic premise, that the beef-producing country which makes one's favorite beef determines one's personality.  For example:

Australian Beef: adventurous and outgoing.  Likes barbecue.  Low sexual morals; prone to having deformed children.

Canadian Beef: loves nature; independent.  Race traitor, likely to be a neglectful parent.  Weak-willed and prone to financial ruin.  Possibly communist.

American Beef: hates Korea and self; possible suicide wish.  No sexual morals & poor performance in bed.  Race traitor and whore to the imperialist aggressor.  Fatty.

Indian Beef: likes to break rules; sometimes shocking or challenging style.  Inadequate lover.  Dirty dirty, smelly race traitor.

Korean Beef: Smart and sensitive, wise and loyal.  Dutiful, kind, devoted, good with money and children, and most likely good in the sack.  Children tend to go to SNU or Harbard or Yell.

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Uruguay Internet Commissioner Urges Team to Lose World Cup Match


(picture source)



The commissioner of the Uruguay Internet and Communications Commission has urged team Uruguay not to win their upcoming round of 16 match against South Korea.

"While all Uruguay's excited about making it to the round of sixteen, and winning our group in the World Cup final, the harsh reality is, our country's internet infrastructure and web servers are simply not equipped for a victory against South Korea."

While Uruguay, a country of 3.5 million people, is a four-time world cup champion, all those victories came in the early days of the international world cup; this year, all Uruguayans near and far are excited about Uruguay's chances to reclaim former glory.  However, the nation's telecommunications infrastructure, while sound under normal circumstances, "is completely unprepared" for the typical South Korean response to a loss in the International Sporting arena.

South Korea, with a population about fifteen times larger than Uruguay, is one of the most connected countries in the world, with a huge number of highly skilled internet users and hackers.  The country is known for internet attacks on countries that have done South Korean athletes and teams wrong, and incidents related to Japanese figure skater Miki Ando, Swiss Football in World Cup 2006, as well as the Apolo Ohno and Jim Hewish "scandals" from Olympic short-track speed skating competitions, have Uruguayan communications experts expecting the worst, come a Uruguay victory.

"If our team wins, at least let it be on clean strikes and non-controversial plays, or due to a South Korean meltdown: any shady calls or questionable plays, and we're afraid South Korean DDOS attacks and the like will crash our entire nation's communications network."

Asked to comment on the Uruguayan Internet Commissioner's comments, coach Oscar Tabarez said the recommendation would not change his game plan.  "We hope to win; I think every Uruguayan in our nation would happily forgo two weeks of internet usage to see Uruguay make it to the quarterfinal."

A street poll of Uruguayans in the nation's capital, Montevideo, revealed that 60% of Uruguayans agreed with the coach.  "I'll just use my land line phone for a while."

When asked whether such a crippling attack would hamper the Uruguayan economy, businessman Orlando Mendelo summed up public sentiment best, "If we make the semifinal or the final, nobody will be using the internet for business anyway: it'll be a two week street party, so nothing will be lost."

Such deflections did not change the opinions of South Korean netizens.  Internet user "DOKDOISKOREACOUNTRYFUCKJAPAN" declared his intention to attack the internet infrastructure of whichever team eliminated Korea from contention, regardless, and "ANDOSUXYUNAISQUEEN" described his plans to coordinate those attacks from a PC Room near his house.  "It's a PC Room, but we call it the war room."  Finally, "KIMCHIROCKSUSBEEFISCRAZYCOW" said, "I intend to watch the soccer game, but really, in my opinion, the main purpose of international sports events are to help me find the next country to hate, anyway.  Go Korea!"

This writer, too, can say nothing except he hopes Korea wins, eleventy-million to zero, and of course, he will be cheering in the streets for his favorite country, Korea.

대한민국!  CLAP-CLAP... CLAP-CLAP, CLAP!

(simon and martina)

Friday, 25 June 2010

Korean workers opt for benefits over 8 won pay raise.

From popular gusts

Korean ministop, PC room, and kimbap country employees have responded to the new proposal by employers, increasing minimum wage by 8 won - less than a US penny - per hour, with a request for more rights and benefits, rather than the measly 8 won pay increase.

"Really, more rights and benefits, a little more dignity, will help me more than eight extra won per hour," said Hong Gil-dong, one of the students leading the protest against the pay increase.

"We've made a list of proposed demands; we don't expect to be given ALL of them, but a few would be nice," said Hong.  Among the demands for added benefits and extra rights for minimum wage workers include these requests:

1. (for female workers) the right to be propositioned by their male employers no more than five times a week (current maximum is seven)
2. when boss shouts at them until they cry, the right to pull down baseball caps, turn their heads away from customers, so that customers do not have to see their open-faced shame, as is now the regulation
3. increase in break time, from one five minute break per 14 hour shift, to two three minute breaks.  Also, either a bathroom break per 14 hour shift, or adult diapers provided by the employer.
4. no longer being required to bow to the ground in apology to the boss's mother-in-law when she shouts and shames them - a deep bow at the waist should suffice
5. that employees may only be struck with an open hand; not a closed fist, and may no longer be called "fucking worthless cum-catcher" but only "worthless cum-catcher" or "fucking worthless"
6. lifting the requirement of starting every sentence while addressing the boss with "My opinion is no more than that of a dog's, but..."
7. the right to treat blisters and cuts gotten in the course of work DURING work hours, instead of having to wait until the shift ends
8. no longer needing to say "thank you" when a drunk throws up on them

"These concessions would improve our working conditions greatly, and we strongly urge our employers to seriously consider adopting at least a few of them."

Monday, 21 June 2010

Dokdo Is Ours is Excited about the World Cup

Dokdo Is Ours is Excited about the world cup.  You should be, too.

And I'd like to share the reasons with you.

By the way, I saw some of these while researching the world cup... anyone care to explain the meaning of this round object?


(sources: one, two, three, FOUR, five, six, seven)

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Korean Students Abandon Studies, Failing Classes to Be Like Kim Yuna

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2010/06/117_67887.html

Since word spread that sports hero and national icon Kim Yuna failed two of her courses at Korea University, the internet and newspapers have been abuzz.

Some were supportive: "She works so hard to be a skating champion: we need to understand her situation.  She's had a hard life," said Seung Chul-mo, generously offering a justification that is usually only reserved for old men.

Others were critical, "Her school performance is an embarrassment to Korea: after Barack Obama praised Korea's education system, such news seems to contradict other positive reports about Korean education."

Many blamed her mother: "Why doesn't she make her stay up late to study?"

And others were pragmatic: "She should return to school after her skating career is over; what the hell is a world class athlete doing in school, when she should be focusing on her sport?"

Meanwhile, thousands of young Koreans, who idolize Yuna as their conquering hero, haven't been able to skip their classes fast enough.

"I always wanted to be like Yuna," says Yumi, eleven, "I thought that meant slaving for long hours practicing jumps and turns to skate like her... but it turns out all I have to do is avoid my schoolwork!"  Yumi has not attended class since she heard.  She tells people she is training in toronto.  Jang-soo, a young male student in Cheonan, has also been skipping his classes.  "For me, it's not so much trying to BE like her, as showing devotion.  Maybe she won't feel so bad, and maybe she'll finally answer the 174 fan-letters I've written her, if she sees that I'll even throw away my future prospects for her."

Parents across the nation are concerned that their students are doing poorly in class, on purpose, but Education Officials have a different view again.  "For one," explains Ulsan's education director, Mr. Ha, "this makes it easier for us to administer the educational districts: so much intentional absenteeism makes overcrowded classroom and teacher shortages less of a problem.  For another thing, if the undermining of a generation's education prospects is the price of having a Korean at the top of the podium, claiming "World best" status, I think most Koreans would pay that price happily."  Mr. Ha is trying to coordinate a "World Cup Support" absentee program, where students also skip class to help South Korea's team to success in the FIFA World Cup.

For parents worried about their children's suddenly nonexistent studies, Mr. Ha had some practical advice.  "Just get online and watch Yuna's short skate from the Olympics again.  Or if you feel really bad, maybe watch the long program and the medal ceremony.  By the closing bars of Korea's national anthem, you'll see why it was worth it."

Monday, 14 June 2010

The Big Rock Candy Hagwon

To the tune of "The Big Rock Candy Mountain," by Harry McClintock





The Big Rock Candy Hogwan

One evening as the sun went down and the hogwan kids were squawking,
At the Wa Bar I sipped mekju, and a waygook started talking:

"I'm heading to a school not far away, apply if you know someone;
So come on board and let's work for, the big rock candy hagwon.

"At the big rock candy hagwon, the mothers never call
they like when you play hang man, and the kids walk in the hall

"the boss knows about teaching, but he won't get in your way
he trusts you to do what you know how to do, the mothers bring gifts and appreciate you,
at the big rock candy hagwon.

"At the big rock candy hagwon, the office dinner's fun,
the big boss never gets too drunk,
backs off when folks are done

"the schedule's made months in advance and his English has no flaw
you don't have to grade, sick days are paid, nobody's ever done a midnight run
at the big rock candy hagwon.

"At the big rock candy hagwon, twelve hours a week's the max,
the school pays for a penthouse suite and it never deducts tax
the first years make three mill a month for any old degree
the students' hot aunts want in your pants, the lessons plans are all songs and chants,
at the big rock candy hogwan.

"I'll work my best where there ain't no tests, where an hour of class earns an hour of rest,

"I'll move right on, they won't know till I'm gone, and I'll never ever meet another crazy mom, three million won and a midnight run, to the big rock candy hagwon.



The song is by Harry McClintock. The words above are by Dokdo Is Ours. If anybody wants to set these words to that tune, you have both my permission and my blessing, as long as I'm allowed to put your video or MP3 on my blog.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Impartial and Totally Objective World Cup Preview

Oh my gat!

It's Korea world cup win year 2010-2012!  That's right!  Welcome at the Korea world cup South Aprica preview.  I'ts my honor for many study the football to predictions with accurate.  So after many researches (for example watch FC Seoul game, Pohang Steelers Game, Busan I'Park game, and many many Manchester United Game), I am give the best analysis for World Cup.

Today is tlak about Group B.  Also it's Korea group.  Other group is have team like the Brazil and North Korea, but Group B is definately strongest in World Cup because...

do you know why?

because KOREA! (of course)

Le'ts talk the other team first.  THere is a Argentina like coachee is Madonna.  Madonna is most pamous football play people except Fele.  Fele is the Brajil people but Madonna is Argentina (that is why sing "Don't Cry for Me" song)  Some people say coachee Madonna Kraze as a Burger (see my joke?  Like Kraze Burger! KKK) but I'm question is, if Madonna coachee Argentina, why aren't Fillet coach the Brajil team?  We watching Madonna a lot because him hands on balls always, for example 1986.



And now teaching him team player his special move.  Messy can learn it.


Korea is conservative society, so we hoping no hand on balls move during game: it can be Messy!

Next team is Nigelia, I think it's South America too because chocolate peoples is in team photo, but it can't Aprica because Aprica is already have their team in the Group A.

Anyway, Korea people is not afraid because Aprica and chocolate people is big but Korea skull is ideal shape for intelligence brain pan, plus eating metal chopsticks is KOREA have mental advantage to the chocolate people.  So.  Tall fast strong chocolate people like NBA is less important than smart, or else horses are dominant species the Earth (they is tall fast strong more than the human), this shows why Korea is win the Nigelia.

Finally is Greashi.  Them is cradle the Western civilization and Korea expect the difficult fight for them. Because them is rough playing style: for example, please watchign:



This is World Cup.

World Cup?  This Is Sparta!

However, Korea is many fast, and we are have Rain Ninja Assassin to our team if need.  Here is him playing style.  So we can equal fight if working hard.

Finally, Korea team is the smart and Kimchi power runn fast!  Everybody have DNA clone with three lungs, like Park Jisung, and working hard to Korean coachee, too.  Plus, do you know Park Jisung?  He is the Manchester United superstar, like Looney.  Park Jisung is the genius play and complexion very nice OK?

So Korea is win the world cup of course!  And especially group B.  I am predict pure blood final against North Korea and South Korea because Han blood is bester than the other one.  But after that it's so impressive the final game and no more war, so China is give Baekdusan the Korea.  And world is rename football the 축구 so that no more confusion America name (soccer) and World name (football) is stop be confusing.

In conclusion, teacher do you like football? Yes or no?

And please watching this video. I am make it for the NINE Magajing contest, but them said too long, and not about Korea. I am hate. Now NINE Magajing is EIGHT Magajing.



Most objective world cup analysis you are find the world!  It's here.

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Other Nixed Suggestions from the Brainstorming Session that Produced "Drunken Rice"

ddeokbokki - "spicy ricy penis shapes"

hongeo - "holy fuck what was that?"

soju - "The Korean Vomitizer"

jajangmyeon - "Negro noodles"

donkaseu - "Pound the pig"

sundae - "Greasy blood'n'guts"

hanjeongshik - "Proof of our superiority"

cheonggukjang - "Go home filthy foreigner... soup"

sugared garlic bread - "Authentic Italy"

soju - "Korean Dom Perignon"

makgeolli - "Flavored Burps"

san nakji (live octopus) - "PETA Puck-Off" (best with Korean pronunciation)

boshintang (dog soup) - "Pet Puree" "a man's best lunch" and "Fried Fido"

gopchang - "Barbequed Risk Materials"

chobap - "fuck you japan it's chobap, not sushi!  Fucking chobap!"

kimchi - "You wouldn't understand anyway"

bibimbap - "Please like me.  Or just let me keep calling."

These new English nicknames will be added to bilingual menus all around Korea starting next month.

Any other suggestions?  Add them in the comments!

Sunday, 30 May 2010

Ten Magazine is A Hate The Korea! Please Go Home!

Oh my Gat!  I am a shocking!

FIrst I think about Ten Magajing... do you know ten magajine?  It is a English native writing magazing about the Korea and news event also article.  Many picture, but Chosun Ilbo picture better.  More vikini.  I'm think like this magajing because happy to like the Korea. But today I am decide canceling my subscribe for a Ten Magajing.  Because their article is ask the foreigner "What are your complain to the Korea"

Let me explain my think about Korea and the foreigner complain, because sometimes people are misunderstand.

1. First, the foreign people is not Korean!  I am grow up the Korea so I know everything the Korea country because.  And citizen.  Howerver, foreign people is the understand their country not a Korea so they should only listen the Korea people explain, not talking complain.

2. It's true many foreigner live in Korea, so somebody people are say foreign people should talking about the Korea because they are live... so yes!  Let's talk the healthy kimchi (not Kimuchi, dirty jap), and beautiful Korea women (but no touch OK?  Your penis is have no jung.)  And many thing - the place for visit Korea like fuck village, traditional museum, fuck village, hanbok shop, palace, fuck village, and king's toome.  That's Korea culture you know!  Also you can spend money here.  IF the foreigner are talk the Korea also about complain thing, then it can frustrating and racial violence come, so foreigner live Korea OK but say nice thing then no racial violence OK?

3. Also, some people complaining the racism, but that's lie, because we are don't discriminate.  It's you're foreigner not reason for your can't complain Korea.  Just because ignorant and don't understand the Korea.  Same your don't sit Korean restaurant table: because you can't the chopsticks, so bother other customer, not because skin color!  Or maybe the Korea food too spicy.

4. I am really believe freedom for foreigner, for example, foreigner who am complain the Korea is free always go home.  Even sometimes I encourage go home for exercise freedom: that's why!  Freedom!

So today I saw Ten Magajing have a "What's your Complain the Korea" article, and ask everybody complain the Korea!  I'm so angry.  You should only like a Korea because foreign magajing, OK Ten Magajing?  I'm so angry if you hate Korea why don't you go home?

Now, you stop the Ten Magajing.  Now I am call you NINE Magajing, because hate.

Have a good time!  Enjoy your the Korea!

Thank you for read my thinking.

NINE Magajing!

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

The Real Reason Mr. Wonderful Hates the "Circle Jerk": Actual Text

(see bottom for update)

Wanna know the REAL reason Mr. Wonderful hates Blian Golden Balls, Lobby da Ass-crown, Clissy Snowfrake, Dickless Stevie, Zen Kimchi-dick, and Shannon Rotten-Crotch (that's two jokes [crotches and l/r] in six names... we're approaching Korean Game-Show Recycling Footage levels of "lack of actual content" here)?  And what about Matty Lame-o, whom Mr. Wonderful hates so much that he hasn't even used one of his only jokes two on him?  Wanna know the REAL bee in his bonnet?

Well, Dokdo Is Ours, intrepid investigative journalist extraordinaire, has uncovered the true reason for you: by successfully hacking Matty Lame-O's e-mail account.  The real reason Mr. Wonderful hates Matty is because his application to enter the circle jerk was rejected.  He had his hand and tongue hanging out, covered with jelly, only to be spurned.  Here is original article he sent to Expat Living, and the e-mail exchange that followed:


MR. WONDERFUL:
"Wednesday!"

Hello readers.  This will be a weekly column for Korea Herald's.  I hope that you will find it droll.  I really do.  Here is a picture of me in a suit.  Dazzling, isn't it?  I wear suits because I want you to like me. 

This will be an entertaining series about life in Korea, and all the things I like.  If you do not like my writing, I hope you will accept my apologies, and go treat yourself... to an ice cream.  I hope we can be friends.  I really hope you enjoy a my writing, so that my blog, "Yankeenom.blogspot.com" is recognized as one of Korea's best blogs, like Brian in Jeollanam-do, Chris in South Korea, Roboseyo.  By the way, Steven Revere: I hope your reading, because I'd LOVE to write some germane, witty articles for your magazine as well.  Maybe we could be BFF's!

This article will be about using the bus in Korea.  As a foreigner, using the bus in Korea can be hard, especially for the newcomers who dont speak or read much Korean yet.  However, here are some tips on what to do, to have an easier go.  It's not hard: even a drunken ass can do it, and I would know: my wife, a blushing Korean rose, often harangues me about my exasperating habit of getting on the wrong bus: "You can be foolish sometimes," she grins.  My son, a diligent young student, sees me onto the right bus every time, but if I drink too much soju, if I'm drunk as a toad, I get lost.

The best thing you can do to find the right bus is very easy: always make sure your phone has minutes and battery juice before you head out, and just call your local area code, and "1330," and an operator will give you instructions!  Problem solved!  You can get home, and take your dumps in peace once you're there.  You can even read my articles in the Korea Herald while you shit.


MATT LAMERS:
Uncle Kev, good article; please tighten up the writing a bit - your introduction is too long, and the article would improve if you added more options for catching a bus, in case some readers don't have cellphones, or they want to try and read the bus schedules.  By the way, abbreviations and the word "shit" are not appropriate for The Korea Herald.


Mr. WONDERFUL
Let me try again.  Sorry to cause trouble, Matt!  Hope you'll still let me buy you some microbrew sometime! ㅎㅎㅎ

Wednesday!

Hello readers.  Every Wednesday I will write this article.  You can read it on the toilet while you're shitting your kimchi breakfasts.  Do you like my article?  Please check yes or no.  If you don't like it, you can read something else.  I'm Mr. Wonderful; I have a blog called "Yankeenom" - haha.  I'd like my blog to be popular and well-known; I plan to fill it with new content regularly, and classy, tasteful photos.

This article is about using the bus in Korea.  It was inspired by Chris in South Korea, one of my favorite bloggers, and a blogger whom I aspire to be like.  Maybe we could hang out sometime?  With you and Stephen Revere, maybe?

Using the bus is not hard.  When I'm sloshed on Toad Juice, I sometimes get in shouting matches on the bus, but the racist old ass-wipes patrolling the buses for interracial daters deserve my righteous retorts.  My wife, roars like a dragon when I get on the wrong bus, she says, "You da asshole" but my little biracial son helps.  Meanwhile, there are signs at every bus stop.  Learn to read Korean, stupid!  You've been here for, how long now?  It's not hard.  Get on it, and call 1330 if that fails.


MATT LAMERS
Uncle Kev, really sorry to cause trouble here, but please refer to soju as soju, not toad juice; don't use the word shit, and really, leave the bathroom jokes on your blog; I can't print that.  Making fun of your wife, and calling readers stupid is probably not a good idea, either.

-M

MR WONDERFUL
Sorry, Matt.  I'm trying my best.  Will you please still invite me to your parties?  My wife is asking me why I spend all this time writing, and being able to show her something in Expat living would mean a lot - it's her favorite page in the entire print media.  Would you please add meaning to my life, by printing my re-written article?

WEDNESDAY!

I've been getting a lot of criticism lately about my writing, well last night I got good and liquored up on the toad juice, and decided all those stick-in-the-muds can go fuck themselves!  The dragon lady says, "You da stupid man!  Go teach da kids make money!  Expat libing isn't pay da money anyway!"  I went to the PC room near my house instead.  Nearly got hit by a goddamn bus.  Those asshole drivers are gonna kill me someday.  I read the Korea Herald while I was taking a shit, and I realized that I don't need that shit anyway.  I couldn't remember a single thing I read.

If you want to ride the bus, it's not hard, unless you're a fucking retard.  Don't be a retard, and ride the bus.  Get a transport card and see where it goes.  If Matty Lame-ers doesn't run this article, I hope he gets syphilis.

MATT LAMERS
Sorry, Uncle Kev, I can't run that, and I'm rethinking the regular column, too.  I think I have to withdraw the offer.  I'll keep reading your blog, to see how your writing progresses... maybe we'll be in touch again sometime.  But not for now.

-M

MR. WONDERFUL

I'LL GET YOU, MATT!!!!


(dear my readers: don't worry. I actually DO want my readers to have a reason to visit my blog, so rather than antagonize mr. wonderful as often as he deserves, I'll only mock him mercilessly as often as I think my readers can stand. If you want to read more of Mr. Wonderful, don't forget to **follow this link!**)

Update:
Oh no! It looks like Uncle Snowflake (aka Mr. Wonderful) can't handle a little ribbing! As a supposed Christian, you'd think he'd consider Matthew 7:12 - "Do to others what you would have them do to you," take a big fat look at how many people he's mocked mercilessly and needlessly on his blog (WAY out of proportion with whatever they may have said about him at some point - a direct violation of that "do unto others" thing that he supposedly follows), and figure it out.  Turnabout's fair play; quit yer whinin'.

So everybody, since Mr. Wonderful loves nicknames (The Dildoe Is Mine - Sweet! I got a crotch joke nickname!  Didn't see that coming!) his new nickname is "Uncle Snowflake" and the long version is "Uncle Snowflake The Thin-Skinned Bitch"  (partial credit to this commenter)

If you want Uncle Snowflake to stop talking about other bloggers and boring his readers, address him as "Uncle Snowflake The Thin-Skinned Bitch" as often as possible in the comments of his posts.

I've got nothing against Uncle Snowflake personally, but I do wish he'd get back to his funny storytelling and stop acting like a thin-skinned bitch when other bloggers talk about him.