Monday, 15 December 2008

Correction for FatmanSeoul

Fat Man Seoul just posted an interesting instructional guide on how to make Korean style kimchi. However, he missed a few steps at the beginning.

Thankfully, Dokdo Is Ours is happy to fill in the missing steps.

Step one: be a direct descendent of fu¢kin' Dangun, the wondrous bear-man who invented half the virility drugs currently in existent, out of the secretions accompanying his ball-sweat.

Step two: Have your culture ass-raped by the Chinese for 2000 years

Step three: Have your culture ass-raped by the Mongols for 500 years

Step four: Have your culture ass-raped by Japan for 2000 years

Step five: Have the best fu¢king culture in the history of the entire universe

Step six: Let everybody else who does NOT belong to your culture know how much better your culture is than theirs

Step seven: Have your culture ass-raped by Japan for 50 more years (this step optional) - at this point you can choose instead to meditate on the tragedy of living in a divided country, miss the relatives you have in the north whom you've never met, and, if you want, blame either America, Russia, Japan (but never Kim Il-Sung or any North Korean) for the current state of affairs.

Step eight: (optional) Pretend your culture was ass-raped by America for fifty years

(Steps two, three, four, and seven are important to gather up the correct amount of HAN which must be added to the recipe right after soaking the cabbage in salt-water.)

Step nine: Hate all the people who ass-raped your culture (it may help to look at this picture while you do this step)

Step ten: from here, continue in the manner outlined at Fat Man Seoul's kimchi post.

(later: after salt has been added to cold water, and cabbage swished, add two full handfuls of HAN, that unique Korean sadness that only Koreans can ever know or understand, and without which foreigners can never make true kimchi).

I can taste the Han.  Can't you?

9 comments:

FatManSeoul said...

Fatman rejects your methodology, and firmly believes that Han-free kimchi is just as safe and delicious as any made with.

Brian said...

Han-free kimchi? Yeah, that's a great idea. Hell, why do you even need cabbage? Just pickle the damn pot. Dumb ass. If you hate Korea so much why don't you just go back to Cuba.

Dokdo Is Ours said...

Fatman:

safe and delicious? don't you know that it's the Han that keeps maggots out of Korean-made Kimchi, while everybody knows that Han-less chinese-made Kimchi (and japanese kimuchi? let's not even go there) is infested with maggots.

hope you get over your SARS. and AIDS. 'cause me and my han enHANced Kimchi won't be bothered with none of that shit.

Brian:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! well said.

Anonymous said...

Is getting ass-raped the only way to develop Han? And is the time factor important?

For example, there is a "guy" currently on television and he's been ass-raped, although I don't think it's rape anymore, and he doesn't have Han. I mean, Ian Durst doesn't just get his fudge packed, he's the centerpiece of sodomy at a man-meat convention. He doesn't have Han.

Also, if you replaced ass-raped with getting a "hot Carl" or a "Cleavland steamer," does that qualify for Han?

Dokdo Is Ours said...

Well, for one thing, Anon, you must have your CULTURE ass-raped; being out and out ass-raped is a different thing again, and if it's consensual, it ain't rape at all.

As far as whether having your culture cleveland steamed instead goes...that's out of my area of expertise, and you'd best ask a socio-historian.

FatManSeoul said...

Actually . . .
good cheer, sunshine, and happiness oddly enough are excellent substitutes for han, and do even better to preserve that spicy kick. That's why Chinese and Japanese kimuchi don't taste the same - but if you've never had it, the kimchi from Bhutan is amazing, as is the version they serve in Denmark, Sweden, and parts of the Caribbean.

Dokdo Is Ours said...

Ahh, but have you ever tried Kimchi prepared with awkward silence?

The day before my friend did Kimjang and made kimchi with her family, everybody found out her aunt had been cheating on her husband.

Has an interesting tang, that.

Samuel said...

Fucking funny

Seth said...

....... hahahahaha!!!! so that's why my kimchi tastes like shit. thanks once again, DIO.