Monday, 19 April 2010

University Student Arrested for Playing with his Meat Stylus on the Subway

University Sophomore Jung Bong-jo was taken into custody on Tuesday afternoon for playing with his meat stylus on the subway. While other iPhone owners around Korea were using meat sticks as styluses for their iPhones earlier this winter (see video below, and article here)

Due to an embarrassing misunderstanding, new iPhone user Jung iHwang was arrested for playing with his meat stylus on the subway yesterday.

"iHeard other people were playing with meat styluses to operate their iPhones," iHwang explained, I just kind of assumed that they meant... you know, their meat styluses. iVe been calling Mr. Winky my meat stylus for years now."

But iHwang had never taken out his meat stylus before in public... it seems that he thought only iPhone users were allowed to do so. At tweet from a friend on Twitter made him think iTwould be OK:

"mY MeAt peniS thebe stw ayt o opeRA tE my iPHoNe. st ilLSom EQUirkS." - he was accidentally pushing buttons incorrectly. Unfortunately, iHwang misread the message.

"iThought maybe iPhone users had legal iMmunity to arrest for public iNdecency," he explained. This is why, when the subway security, and later the police approached him, he showed them his iPhone and said, "No, it's OK. I have an iPhone."

"Unfortunately," Wang Long-won, the police officer who made the arrest explained, "the iPhone has no influence: public iNdecency is still iLlegal."

The Seoul Metro Subway company has iNtentions to press charge; iHwang is currently iNterred at a low-security holding prison, waiting for a bail hearing.

Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment. He was playing with his meat stylus.

Monday, 12 April 2010

Korean Reputation for Heavy Drinking Replaced With Reputation For Being Lightweights

photos courtesy of the amazing blog, "Blackout Korea"

An OECD report debunked the myth that Koreans consume more alcohol per capita than other nations. Chosun Ilbo reports. According to the report, Koreans above age 15 drank an average of 8 liters of alcohol per person, below the OECD average of 9.5 liters per person.

Racists and expat bloggers were shocked at the news. "This changes the kinds of jokes I can make about Koreans," moaned blogger Uncle Kev. "How will I broadly characterize the people of the nation where I live now? I may have to actually hang out with some of them - only long enough to develop new stereotypes, mind - before I can go back to complaining about them on my blog."

However, others were more optimistic. "I don't have to change anything," smirked Mr. Wonderful; it was like when statistics revealed that on average, Korean penis size was well within international norms: I just shifted from making small penis jokes to pink shirts and premature ejaculation jokes. I'll be fine."
Female blogger Dragon Lady will go on record as the first blogger to shift from "heavy drinker" jokes to "lightweight/can't hold their drink" jokes: a mere ten minutes after the Chosun Ilbo article went online, she wrote, "I see da stupid man drink da Toad Juice. Him only twee shat da Toad Juice and falling on da flooh so much. Him like my husband, Mr. Londapull. Da asshole."

Indeed, whatever the explanation: high quantity or low tolerance, Korea will continue to be filled with assholes who don't seem to have any purpose except head for the streets to make things unpleasant for others.

Friday, 9 April 2010

Jeolla School to hold Pseudo-Science Fair

A small-town school in Heunghak-ri is making waves in educational circles: many teachers in Korea are constrained by their school curricula to teach "western imperialism science," despite the fact these "facts" do nothing to further the great nation of Korea, and many were discovered by non-Koreans. "These so-called 'scientific facts' were not even discovered by Koreans: foreign culture is invading our classroom, every day, and we've done nothing about it!" exclaimed Yoo Seung-lee, teacher of Heunghak-ri's grades 1-4; "we decided it was time to take matters into our own hands, and only teach facts that had been verified by Korean scientists and scholars."

Parents and students enjoyed the redeveloped curriculum so much that a Pseudo-Science fair was a natural next step. "We're really impressed with what the students have put together!" gushed Yoo. She took Dokdo Is Ours around the fair, and explained the different projects.

One display showed measurements of a Korean skull and a Japanese skull, to show Koreans have a larger brain pan, and are smarter.

Another featured many graphic drawings of Mad Cow Disease's unique effects on Korean physiology.

Another demonstrated the way Kimchi made Koreans naturally immune to SARS, HIV, and Swine Flu, and hypothesized that growing up in Korea's four seasons were the reason only Koreans benefited from these features of Kimchi.

Another compared the effects of using a condom on Korean couples and foreign couples, wherein condom use made the foreign couples "safe" and "responsible" while the Korean couple became "dirty" and "spoiled".

Another compared a student's mother with his unmarried Aunt, and demonstrated the way pregnancy instantly removes a Korean woman's ability to function in a workplace, forever.

Another showed drawings of other places around the world, where they only had three or fewer seasons: Northern USA, France, England, and Germany were among the countries portrayed bleakly living without seasons.

Another demonstrated ways to make a map of the East sea appear older than it really was, in order to seem an authentic and authoritative proof of Dokdo's Koreanness; it had a special interactive feature where students could draw the islands onto their own map, and then age it by hand.

One demonstrated which part of Kim Yuna's Korean DNA made her a champion, and connected it with the ligament that makes Koreans the only people able to eat with metal chopsticks.

Another used two students' fathers, one eating Korean dog soup, the other eating viagara, to show that Korean homeopathic virility remedies are superior. Unfortunately, the viagara eating father had been taken to the hospital. "Hello! What is priapism?" the bright-eyed student shouted as Dokdo Is Ours walked by.

The winning project was by Kwon Han-joo, nine, a terrifying portrayal of the steps by which a running fan kills anyone sleeping in a sealed room with it. He had even painted scary teeth on the blades of the fan he brought in for the demonstration, and viewers had to duck and dodge as the oscillating fan pointed in their direction.

"First the rotating blades break down most of the oxygen molecules in the room, then they suck the remaining ones out of the room. Finally, they blow air so forcefully that it can't enter the subject's nose, making him unable to breathe even the oxygen-less air. Death is quite painful."

An official from the Jeolla-do ministry of education came to the science fair as well. "We're considering standardizing this curriculum. This pseudo-science makes me feel much better about my country."

"But what about Newton? Einstein? Rutherford and Bohr and Marie Curie and Galileo?" The education director led me around a corner to another display.

"As you can see here, they were Korean."

Steve Carell Hates Korea and Must Die

Hello every the Korea people. I have a shocking! Please listen my write.

I have looking internets and the internets at a Kimchi for Cornbread internet I see some scandalous!

For example here: This is a america comedy people Steve Carol. Him have famous movie like funny talking news people in Bruce Almighty. And now him laughing to the Kimchi. Watch: you will shocking too. Him make joke the Korea kimchi is smell bad! Eberybody know the kimchi is not smell bad. Only vietnam fa soup is the smell bad. If him say it small bed meybe he accident make the Japan Kimuchi which is a decompositionary smell. Please watching.
The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Korea in Your Kitchen
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party

It's a shock! I'm don't know how to talking!

If you're don't like Steve Carol talking too, then it's time for internet attack! Get your internets and we throw at the Stebe Carol. Quick! Let's him website DDOS forever and go to his house throw kimchie over him house fense so he can enjoy smell and learn Kimchi is the important Korean food and world healthy food.

Let's together! Fighting!

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Hey everybody! Pay Attention To Me!

Make special note of the new tag: all similar posts will be under this tag

Good citizens of Metropolis! Gather round! I have important news.

By popular demand, KRD and The Metropolitician have been added to the Worst K-Blogger poll in the form of an add-on.

All you folks who have a hard-on for the smelly kilt-wearing pooftah are now encouraged to go and break his heart by voting for his site.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

And Blian Golden Balls to you all.

Monday, 5 April 2010

Special Classes Needed on Dokdo

Yonhap News

Members of a major Korean teachers' association said Monday they will hold special classes on Korea's sovereignty over Dokdo this week, in response to a repeated Japanese claim to the disputed territory.

"Really, we're pretty sure this is the most important thing we can possibly teach our students, so we're proud of the opportunity to teach students about Dokdo belongs to Korea," explained a representative from the association. Middle school teacher Choi Joo-hee was moderately pleased. "Basically I put on the Dokdo video and take a nap. I think everybody does, except that kid in the back row who gets his hate on for Japan and starts frothing at the mouth."

Other lesson plans from association members included composing songs with the class about how much they hated Japan, drawing hate Japan pictures in art class...

Choosing a classmate who doesn't fit in, and beating him with bamboo switches like a dirty Jap for physical education class.

And chanting "Fucking Japan" for English class.

"We had to skip some of our other course material to make room for this very important Dokdo lesson, so we've decided to skip the chapter that explains that other countries fought for the South in the Korean War, and USA's role in the Miracle of the Han River, and Korean War atrocities committed by Koreans to other Koreans. It's unfortunate, I guess, but we'll make sure that the students graduate knowing with absolute conviction that "USA is the real enemy".

Students had mixed reaction to the news.
"That old video? I've seen that thing like, a hundred times," said Minji, in fourth grade.

"I'm a fan of Japanese animations, and our school had an exchange student from Japan, who lived in my house, and who was really cool; I learned a lot from her and we were good friends... until the last Dokdo thing came up and the school board stuck her on a plane back to Japan one month into her six-month exchange, and spent a week thinking of bad things to say about her. That sucked. She wrote me a letter and said that she was really hurt by that." Sooyoung, seventh grade, gave her thoughts. "Everybody gets upset about Japan and stuff, but don't we come to school to learn about how to be good people? I mean, we're not just coming to school to learn who we should hate, are we?"

At this point, the interview was interrupted by Sooyoung's teacher. "If you're going to be a dirty jap-loving whore, why don't you just fucking go to Japan, little bitch?" he shouted, cursing her, and hitting her with a textbook. He screamed, face turning purple, "I'm trying to teach you how to grow up to be a good young lady, and instead you betray our beautiful country! Why don't you just quit school now and sell your self like the fucking traitor whore you are!"

The teacher identified himself as Sooyoung's ethics teacher.

"Sometimes Sooyoung seems to be losing her way, but don't worry. By the time she graduates high school, my colleagues and I will have her hating Japan and America like a proper Korean."

(photos from this page actual pictures drawn by Korean elementary students, displayed in a subway station)

Thursday, 1 April 2010

God Sets World Record With April Fools Prank on Korea

The Almighty God of the universe (who seems to spend an inordinate amount of his attention on Earth) totally pwned Korea this year with a "sweet-ass april fools prank"

That's right. A heavenly pwn.

Not only was it a heavenly pwn, but God almighty visited it upon Korea not just for one day, but for an entire month.

"Normally, the calendar year goes 'January February March' and so forth... but this year, after all that olympic crap about the speed skaters - I mean, I created those guys, and love them like sons and daughters, and even I don't care about speed skating - I decided it was time for Korea to get it."

And what was the nature of Korea's Godly prank?

"Well, I was thinking about giving every Korean in the nation explosive diarrhea for an hour to finally shoot down that "Kimchi's good for you" thing - imagine the clean-up! Then I thought about turning every Kia, Hyundai and Ssangyong car into a Mazda, Toyota, or Nissan... but with all those Toyota accelerator mishaps, you know, if somebody dies, it's not a prank anymore: it's full-fledged mischief - and April 1st is a bad day for a smiting. So instead I decided to give Korea two Februaries and no May."

The remarkably gloomy weather this March, including a preposterous TWO snowfalls during freaking MARCH was nothing less than a prank on South Korea. "Maybe that'll learn 'em."

Other pranks God Almighty takes credit for around the world:
Crop circles (duh)
Every time a documentarian or newscaster gets upstaged by animals screwing in the background
Lolcats ("Nobody takes credit for inventing the first one, because I did.")
The bubonic plague ("now that I think back on it, that one might have gone a little too far. My Hands span galaxies: sometimes I get the scale wrong when I'm pranking.")
Those kooks advocating for Intelligent Design
Men who can't find the clitoris
North Korea's Ryugyeong Hotel
The French