Sunday, 4 July 2010

With Blood Types Debunked, Korean Scientist Creates New Personality Test: Which Country's Beef Do You Like

Though blood-type personality profiles have been thoroughly debunked, it has left a puzzling gap in Korea's social customs: young single Jang Woon-wook explains, "I was at a blind date, and I asked my date, flirtatiously, 'what's your blood type?' - normally she'd tell me, or make me guess - a sign of interest.  Instead, she just muttered, 'That stuff's crap, you know.'  I was embarrassed, but what's worse, we had to just sit in awkward silence from 8:27-8:41: the prescribed time for blood-type discussion, according to the latest "Neo-Confucian Handbook For Manners and Everything in Life: How not to be Judged Wanting by Your Aunt"

"To my great relief, she offered to read my palm two minutes earlier than the handbook dictates, grabbing my sweating hand at 8:39, resuming awkward flirtation and possibly saving the date."

Hundreds of potential babies have not been conceived already, thanks to spoiled potential marriages caused by these awkward date moments traceable to Dr. Kim Hyung-soon's peer reviewed article in the latest New England Journal of Medicine, titled, "Blood Types Are Utter Bullshit."  In it, Dr. Kim completely dismantles the old belief in blood-typing so prevalent in Korea; however, he had not anticipated the side-effect.

"I didn't realize blood typing had made it into the New Neo-Confucian Handbook's dating chapter, or I would have thought twice about publishing," Dr. Kim explains.

Fortunately, those awkward dating moments might be resolved with an emergency update to the handbook, now that another Korean doctor and dietician has come up with a new profile-type test that can make for an interesting blind-date conversation topic:  "Which Country's Beef Do You Like?"  An article in Cosmo Korea, pending peer review, outlined the basic premise, that the beef-producing country which makes one's favorite beef determines one's personality.  For example:

Australian Beef: adventurous and outgoing.  Likes barbecue.  Low sexual morals; prone to having deformed children.

Canadian Beef: loves nature; independent.  Race traitor, likely to be a neglectful parent.  Weak-willed and prone to financial ruin.  Possibly communist.

American Beef: hates Korea and self; possible suicide wish.  No sexual morals & poor performance in bed.  Race traitor and whore to the imperialist aggressor.  Fatty.

Indian Beef: likes to break rules; sometimes shocking or challenging style.  Inadequate lover.  Dirty dirty, smelly race traitor.

Korean Beef: Smart and sensitive, wise and loyal.  Dutiful, kind, devoted, good with money and children, and most likely good in the sack.  Children tend to go to SNU or Harbard or Yell.

5 comments:

Rowan said...

:) hilarious as ever, keep up the good work!

I'm B- by the way

Flint said...

Well done sir. Well done. :)

Mr. Wonderful said...

This man is truly the comic genius of our time.

Words will never do him justice.

Anonymous said...

That's funny. It's hilarious that Koreans think that blood type has something to do with someone's personality. I wonder why they still believe this when it's been scientifically proven that the only use we can make of blood type is to ensure you get the right type of blood in case you have an accident and you need a transfusion. Hilarious Korea!

Anonymous said...

@anonymous

I may have missed your sarcasm, but if I didn't, you're an idiot.

Yes, blood type as a basis of judging a person's personality is complete bullshit. The west is just as bad, if not worse for their love of astrology.

Blood type at least makes more pseudo-scientific sense in determining personality traits than where stars and planets were on the day of your birth.