A Totally Objective Review of The Dark Knight

Oh. My. FREAKING. God.  I just saw The Dark Knight in the cinema, and I had to stay in my chair for ten minutes after the credits ended because I got so excited I peed in my pants a little bit.

The Dark Knight was totally the greatest movie in the history of Superhero films. In the history of films. This movie was like, totally, the best movie ever in the world -- even better than the previous best movie ever in the world, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull, and the Best Movie Ever In The World before that, Iron Man, too!  It has been a golden age for cinema, these last few years, truly, with an unprecedented string of movies each topping the other for the new title of Greatest Film Of All Time.  First SpiderMan 3, then Transformers beat out previous greats like Godfather and Citizen Kane in 2007 (the first year I got a part-time job and could go to movies without my parents), and then this year, the all-time-toppers just won't quit!

The movie's acting was like, totally awesome, and the writing was like, wow, man, I mean, how do you come up with this stuff, like that part where they turned the camera upside down -- I won't tell you when or why, but YOU'LL know, and I was like, "Whoa!" or when that truck did a totally awesome flip right over, or how Commissioner Gordon. . . you know. . . and Christian Bale was so cool too.  And the Joker was scary, and how Alfred's funny story helped Batman understand him, and how. . . I mean, every single thing was totally awesome, and there were no weaknesses.  Even some dumb people who didn't like the Bat-voice--like really, think about it!  I mean, he saw his parents get murdered!  Duh!  That'd screw up anyone!  Give the guy a flipping  break!

The movie was so good I kept imagining that I could be in the movie, too, except I'd be, like, half iron man and half Wolverine, so that steel claws would come out of my hands, but also I could have computer readouts in front of my vision, and then Batman and I would totally uppercut some stupid ninjas in the ass, and sneak some beers from Alfred's fridge into the Bat-Cave.  Yeah.  That'd make an awesome movie.  I can imagine it right now.  It would start with an army of cyborg space-monsters invading Gotham City, and they'd take over the world, except for one man: The Bat-man.  And Wolveriron-man (me) oops.  Except for TWO MEN: Bat-man, and Wolver-IronMan!  

Yeah.  I'm gonna start writing that now.