Friday, 8 January 2010

Kim Yu-na to Change Spelling of Name to Improve Her Skating Results

Kim Yu-na, the daughter of Jesus Christ, who is Korean, has been preparing for her shot at Olympic Gold in the 2010 Vancouver Games. Though too busy herself to grant an interview, Kim Yuna's mother spared some time to take some questions from Dokdo Is Ours. "Olympic Gold has always been a goal in the Kim house," Park Mee-hee explained. Just how true that was shocked this intrepid reporter.

"My husband and I only had sex during years when the child we had would have be at an age that gave her a chance at appearing in two Olympics - She'll be 20 for her first Olympics, but age 24 is not too old to contend and qualify in the 2014 games as well, in order to double her chance at winning gold. Though my husband didn't enjoy my refusal to have sex with him between the years 1987 and 1989, it was a sacrifice we both realized we had to make."

So before Queen Yuna was anything more than Queen Ovum, her mother's master plan had begun to unfold. "I used to press my ovaries up against the television when figure skating programs were on TV, before I conceived, and while I was pregnant with little Yu-na," Mrs. Park said. "Then, after going as far as we could in Korea, I looked overseas to find a foreign tutor for her. Though Canada had the world's best figure skating coaches, I'd heard stories online about Canadian teachers trying to have sex with their students, so I set out to find the gayest Canadian teacher I could, in order to make sure he would not try to have sex with my daughter."

Brian Orser was the Canadian they found, and after an awkward first conversation ("He was quite taken aback when I told him there were no gays in Korea," Mrs. Park explains) she convinced him to train her daughter, by setting up a tent outside his front door in Toronto, playing Pansori at high volume on a portable CD player, and refusing to leave for three months. "A mother has to do whatever she can for her daughter's education."

Brian Orser had nothing to say about the process of being recruited to train Yu-na, though he does acknowledge that Mrs. Park gave him a Korean nickname: "My name has so many R's, as you know, and R's are hard for many Koreans to pronounce, so she gave me a Korean name: 호모 - in English that's pronounced 'Ho-mo.' Sometimes she also just calls me 'the gay one.'"

Now, while following conventional training methods, like exercise, practice, mental focus exercises, not wasting her energy at less important tournaments like the Four Continents Championship, and not having sex with her Canadian teacher, Kim Yu-na also has another trick up her sleeve.


"We saw Topokki's new spelling set the world aflame with love for Korean food: we're really that the new spelling is what caused Korean food to become the seventh most popular world cuisine this year, according to a metric made up by Chang Tae-Pyeong; in order to tap that same kind of power for Yu-na's Olympic mission, the week before the Olympics' Opening Ceremony, we plan to change Kim Yu-na's name to Geem Yeon-ah. We're convinced this spelling will make her more familiar to the judges, and build her brand in their minds, which will give them a favorable disposition toward her during the competition."

While skating coach "The Gay One" is skeptical about whether the spelling change will increase his protege's chances of a gold medal, he is of the mind that Mrs. Park can do whatever she likes: "She will, anyway," as long as it doesn't take time away from Yu-na's training. "If the name-change were a ten-day ceremony during which she couldn't train, I'd be taking names and hunting heads, but as long as she's at the skating rink at 7 every morning, whatever keeps Mrs. Park running around town filling out name-change documents, instead of doing an impression of a bad hockey mom is fine with me. Who shouts 'Fight fight!' at figure skating practice anyway? Seriously!"

4 comments:

Flint said...

Well done. Almost busted my ribs laughing.

HoMo of the gay one. :)

Korean Rum Diary said...

The Gay One... Haha.

kissmykimchi said...

I just like Kim Yuna as part of the holy trinity. I'm waiting for the postcards.

nuderobot said...

Wait, wasn't Jesus lily-white? After all, there are millions more pictures of Him with Nordic features, no? The caucasian majority have spoken!

And what about the many images of Jesus as Chinese, Japanese, black, Rasta, etc., etc.? You sir, are a bigot of the worst order -- bigoted AND ignorant.