Olympics Rundown

Leading off:

A second island of approximately the same size as Jeju Island has appeared just east of Jeju, at exactly the same time as the final women's figure skating contestant failed to top Kim Yuna's score of 228.56. It is believed the entire Korean peninsula orgasmed with excitement when their hero, Kim Yuna, took the women's figure skating gold on Friday afternoon (Korea time).

Geologists are amazed at the development

. "I know I used to joke with my colleagues about several of the phallus-shaped peninsulas on the world map, but this has just blown us all away," said Robert Pine, from the Asian institute of geology. "It's a totally new and unexpected mode of landform generation. We're now wondering which other islands around the world are actually a result of similar joygasms. For example, is Cuba actually a Floridagasm? It must have been a big one: Cuba is huge! What sort of exciting event, deep in the mists of pre-history, could have led to such a cataclysmic shudder of happiness? What about Sicily: that little dollop shape suddenly makes more sense, next to the phallus of Italian geography... yet again, we're left wondering what kind of event could have caused the entire Italian peninsula to blow such a great, joyous load."

Next:

Much to the disappointment of Korean speed-skating fans, Jim Hewish remains alive. After he disqualified South Korea's women's 3000 meter relay team for crowding a Chinese skater, Korean netizens engineered an experiment late on Thursday night. One commenter, "OhnoSux2002" suggested, in the aftermath of the Korean heartbreak, that if all Koreans across the nation spent one minute focusing on hating Jim Hewish, the negative energy would probably be enough to cause him to be smitten by God. Unfortunately, Hewish seems alive and well. No aneurysm paralysed his brain at 9:15 last night (Korea time), no asteroid smote him from orbit, no train redirected its tracks through his home and plastered him across a mile of railway. OhnoSux2002 is bitterly disappointed. "I've published his home address and had friends leave flaming bags of dog poop on his front step, I've sent him forty-thousand, three-hundred and nine e-mails personally, and I've threatened the life and livelihood of every person in his local phone book, except the Koreans, but the man keeps going, unperturbed."

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It was suspected that the reason Hewish was not struck down by Dangun's Thunder, or his great garlic clove of vengeance, is because somewhere on the peninsula, one Korean did not participate in the minute of concerted hate. DokdoIsOurs managed to find that one person, who wishes to remain anonymous. "I tried, but after thirty seconds, I saw something shiny," the three-year old explained. "I was mad, but you know, it was shiny. And pink, too."

Third story:

In somewhat gory, yet not really unexpected news, Kim Yuna has dismembered every other female figure skater. After interviews for the media about her world record performance, Yuna headed into the women's change room with a look in her eyes, and wedged the door shut. Members of the media listened in horror at the screams and slicing sounds coming out of the change room, and then watched as blood oozed out from under the change room door. When Yuna left the room again in street clothes, she smiled cutely at the cameras, and wiped a bit of dark fluid from the corner of her lips. Her belly was a little distended under her track suit.

Those who ventured into the change room discovered the bodies of all Yuna's former rivals, massacred in surgically clean, effortless strokes by a skate blade, each with her heart carefully and precisely cut out of her chest. It is believed Yuna ate her rivals' hearts in a ritualistic fashion, after destroying them completely on the ice.

When asked about what transpired in the change room, Yuna giggled and made "v" signs with her fingers. "I didn't feel like my victory was quite complete, simply collecting the gold medal and setting world records in both the short and long skate. I really needed a little something extra to top it off. At first I was thinking a banana sundae would do, but then I realized that drinking the tears, eating the hearts, and ritually cutting the other skaters was the only way to be emphatic enough in demonstrating my complete dominance of the women's figure skating world."

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While representatives from most countries were shocked and appalled at Yuna's victory rites, the Korean ambassador to Canada commented, "Bitch got the moves. Who's gonna stop her?" while media members and skating officials nearby silently nodded assent, but dared to say nothing, lest they be the next to incur the vengeance of Yuna.