Mailbag: Ask An Insecure Kyopo Who Can't Speak The Language, Posing As Food Ambassador To Feel Like A Korea Expert

(another actual letter from reader this time: we are so excite!)

Dokdo Is Ours is happy to introduce another expert to the ranks of our advice columnists; as always, Dokdo Is Ours will always be happy to accept your letters requesting advice from any of our stable of advisors. It is time now for:

Ask An Insecure Gyopo Who Can't Speak The Language Well Who Seeks Relative Cultural Credibility by Repeatedly Playing Food Ambassador To Foreigner Friends At Cheap 고기집s:

Hello everyone. It is I, Insecure Gyopo Who Can't Speak The Language Well Who Seeks Relative Cultural Credibility by Repeatedly Playing Food Ambassador To Foreigner Friends At Cheap 고기집s. First of all, please don't be intimidated by the authentic Korean I use in my pen name: there's nothing to be nervous about. It's just the hangeul for "Barbeque Restaurant" -- literally, "Meat House" 고기 (gogi) meaning meat, and 집 (jip) meaning house. I use a little Korean here and there in my conversation and writing, because, you know, I'm Korean. But I grew up in America: that's why I write English well. It is a quite a debut I have for you today, with four questions for you, all on a related topic. I do that sometimes, because Koreans are indirect. That's how we think. So here we go.

Question 1. Oh my god this marinated beef is so good, what's it called again?

Yes, I'm fond of it too. It's called 불고기 which is pronounced, "bool-go-gi" - it means fire (that's bul) meat (gogi). As you can see, one strength of Korean language is its functionality. It simply names the food exactly what it is. That's why it's easy to learn. I have to study Korean harder. My grandmother spoke it to me, but we went to America when I was two. However, the lettering system is very simple. Here. Let me write your name in Korean. See? David, here's your name: 대이비드 and here's yours, Joanne: 조앤 isn't that great? You can keep the napkin. It's yours.

Question 2. Would you please explain this fascinating business about the proper way to pour alcohol?

A-ha. As you can see, Korean culture is very complex. I think that's why my Uncle never talks to me. He doesn't speak English, and I can only speak a little Korean. God I should study Korean more. But he taught me this before I used the wrong verb ending with him, and accidentally called him "Maternal Aunt who is Wife of my Mother's Younger Brother" instead of "Paternal Uncle Who is Older Brother to my Father" - boy, was my face red. You see, to show proper respect, you have to lift your glass with two hands, or put your left hand under your right forearm like this. Then, tip the glass, tilting your wrist toward the inside - never the outside. Also, it's important to never refill a glass until it's empty. That's the other thing I did wrong to my uncle. That's about as bad as calling your American uncle ... well... something really insulting. Do you like soju? It's like, my favorite drink, even though I drank beer all through university... but that must be because I'm Korean. Loving soju must just be in my 피 OOPS! Did I say 피 instead of blood? I must have unconsciously replaced the English word with the Korean one. Silly me!

Question 3: I enjoy that which appears witty and ironic; would you happen to know where I could purchase a t-shirt that reads "foreigner" in Korean?

Sorry, I wouldn't know about that. I'm not a foreigner, you see.

Question 4: Dude you know about Club Night, right?

Yes, yes, I used to go to club night in my first year. Not any more: too many foreigners, and these days it's all so stylish. I swear it's not because I got older and the university girls won't dance with me anymore. Hongdae, which used to be known as a hub of underground and hipster music, is also home to Yonsei university, one of Korea's SKY universities... you know what SKY stands for, right? Shinchon also has an old historical train station that's been replaced by a (wrinkle nose in disgust) shopping center. I hate that REAL Korea is being replaced with all these shopping centers and IMAX theaters. I wish I could remember the Korea of my childhood more clearly. God I have to study Korean more. Hey, put another piece of meat on the barbeque: I'm still 배고파 OOPS! I used the Korean for hungry instead of English! I did it again! Please forgive me.

Letter to Ask a Korean Promotional Brochure: Korea's Dirty Secret Theme Park

Dokdo Is Ours is very happy for have a letter writeing from fan. You can read. We has other letter too from reader that are wait for publish... patiently and don't worry. It is happen.

Dear Korean Promotional Brochure:

The Korean government has long been making crazy slogans and rolling out aggressive advertising campaigns promoting Korea as a tourist destination ("Visit Seoul Year 2010-2012" and "Happy Suwon" are two of many slogans). Bearing this in mind, I've long wondered why the DMZ tours to Panmumjeom aren't promoted more? It's something unique to Korea that no other country can offer and it seems to appeal to foreign tourists. Why not aggressively market Panmumjeom as a tourist destination only Korea can offer rather than... (I'll keep this polite and stop here).

From: A Long Time Expat (oops: them said please don't use real name.)
From: A continuously extended foreigner

Dear A Continuously extended foreigner:

Not since Dangun proudly passed through his mother's bearish birth canal, and emerged from her vagina to be King of Korea, and the World's Greatest Baby (that's right: even better than Hero, the Beatles Baby above!), has Korea been more proud to explain the latest step of our 5000 year plan for world domination of culture. True, it seems sometimes that our plans and especially slogans are birthed, implemented and abandoned almost weekly, but this is simply part of our attempt to be a world mecca of slogans. Presently, New York, the Big Apple, The City that Never Sleeps, is the world hub of slogans and catchphrases, but we only need to change our tourism slogan four more times and we will be the world hub number one. And don't forget: some of our slogans and plans have a LOT of staying power: for example, Visit Korea Year 2010-2012 is three times longer than Visit Japan Year 2010: our Visit Korea Year is world number one longest visit year! Even longer than "Visit North Korea Year 1971-June 1972: Kim Il Sung Added Seven Months Named After Himself To Our Calender, and Things Have Been Confusing Since Then"

You ask an interesting question about Panmunjom: you see, we actually have big plans for Panmunjom, planning to make it an inspired and sparkling mecca of dynamic hubs, if you will. There are a handful of things about Korea that our main tourism organizations try to, shall we say, downplay, for fear of bad international press... but after some advice from a failed stand-up comedian who is a friend of the Minister of Tourism, and therefore represents every foreigner in the world, we've decided to go the opposite way.

Starting next year, we will be adding buildings and features to the Panmunjom complex, to create the "Korea's Dirty Secret Theme Park" -- it will be fun for the whole family, and it will be an opportunity to explore all the aspects of Korea that the brochure writers wish you wouldn't notice.

The theme park will include everything the President, and Invest Korea don't want you to know or hear about, adapted into fun games for the whole family:

View the wares walking through a whoring district (with authentic purple lights, and real gangsters in black suits hanging around outside -- this one might mostly be fun only for daddy). Also: once an hour, watch the "talent" do the marital infidelity dance!

Fill up your tank at "Bow-Wow-Chow-Wow!" - our special cafeteria that features ONLY dog meat dishes. All dog meat was properly tenderized the authentic, traditional Korean way.

Try your luck at the insane netizens comment board: it's an interactive game where you can type comments about Korea into a simulated online forum: see how critical you can get before 1000 flames flood your inbox!

Play the Blood-money Simulator: commit a "crime" in this interactive game, and then find out how much blood money will get you off the hook! All amounts lower if the victim is a foreigner!

Watch the suicide counter's moving digits slowly climb, and play a fun choose your adventure game called "How will Suji Cope with her Shame for Failing the Suneung?" The traffic fatality counter is also worth a gander!

Tour the "Kimchi causes gastric diseases" research center

Attend regular seminars on distorting information for political purposes, hosted by political leftist Korean organizations.

Justify This! (also known as "I've lived a hard life") Try to convince a judge that it was consensual, and not date-rape. This game may be boring for some, as it's really, really easy.

Toss seniors out into the street, by repossessing their homes in old neighborhoods for redevelopment, or just by having no social programs for the aged and unable to work. For extra fun, hand them a cart to gather recycling materials while they leave their homes, crying!

Bother the white foreigner: how long can you chat with him before he realizes you're just trying to get a free English lesson and gets annoyed? Or: can you surreptitiously stare at the white girl's boobs, without her noticing?

See if you have the skills it takes to work in Korean government with National Assembly Virtual Reality Boxing

The Xenophobia Filter Game: select which foreign influences to fear, and which to tolerate. The game is over if you don't spit on the English teacher dating a slutty-looking Korean girl!

Walk through the "I'm Afraid of Negroes" house of horrors: a replica of an inner-city African-American neighborhood: which one will you stare at, lest he steal something, where there are five walking around? Don't choose wrong, or you'll have to pay admission twice! Also: don't call the police on Heinz Ward, or people will KNOW you're a racist!

Challenge yourself with "I'm Not A Russian Whore!" - try to get admitted into a hospital with blonde hair and blue eyes, at 3 a.m.!

Throw rocks at the police and set fire to police buses at Protest Plaza! Or desecrate American and Japanese flags with various items from our desecration kit, including pig guts, bird blood, human pinky fingers, and 100 000 bees!

Welcome Back the Adoptee, for real prizes: give flowers to the ones who "made good" and cynically try to get the others to say nice things about the country that didn't want them, in order to improve the country's brand! Plus, every month, winners are entered into a draw for their OWN unwanted Korean baby!

Grab a sledgehammer for the "Destroy Part of Korea's Heritage" play room, where adults and kids alike can destroy ceramics and parts of hanok houses, to make way for modern apartment buildings!

Rest your tired feet watching a slide-show photo exhibition of the factories built with the money Korea took for selling out the Comfort Women

Be a CEO with the Gender Gap Job Interview Simulator, where you get to refuse to hire or promote female applicants. Send pink slips to pregnant women! Promote male slackers! Force pretty young subordinates to do love-shots with you! Fire women during unprofitable quarters, while propping up male "breadwinners!"

Put on blinders and see if YOU can ignore the sounds and images of starving North Korean children, and dying prison camp victims, while you walk through the Sunshine Policy Parkway. If you ignore them and walk all 100 yards without feeling a pang of guilt, you'll win a discount on that new phone you wanted! Sweet!

Exploit a tour guide! We have Southeast Asian tour guides to help you find your way around the park. You can make any unreasonable demand of them, and if you're in the least dissatisfied with their performance, you can sign their deportation order yourself!

And remember: hocking, spitting, and smoking are always allowed, ANYWHERE on the premises!

Come in the morning, stay all day remember: you're not allowed to leave until the boss goes, so find your favorite exhibit, and look busy!

Have a complaint? Come to the customer service booth, where we'll correct you!

So stay tuned, Continuously Extended Foreigner! And if you can think of any other exhibits that belong in the Dirty Secret Theme Park, please add them in the comments: we're still in the planning stages, so we'll take all suggestions into consideration.

If you don't like what I wrote, please go to the comments as well, where I'll correct your wrong opinion of my post. You should learn more about my blog, or go home.

Ask A Pissed Off English Teacher Who's Been in Korea Too Long

Dokdo Week #3: Special Advice Column

Dokdo Is Ours is proud to introduce a new addition to our stable of advice columnists. As always, if you have a question for "Ask an Internet Troll," "Ask a Korean Promotional Brochure," "Ask the guy who wrote the English Raps on Jewelry's CD"or "Ask a Pissed Off English Teacher Who's Been Here Too Long," you are welcome to send an e-mail to dokdoisours at gmail dot com. Serious. All letters sent so far have been answered!

Dear Pissed Off English Teacher

Hi! I'm Sandy! I'm 22, and I came to Korea to add some international experience to my application to the American Academy of Diplomacy, and work towards my life dream of working internationally as an ambassador and diplomat. I've only been here for a few months, so I'm still trying to learn more about the subtleties of intercultural communication and understanding, as well as getting used to the honorific codes in interpersonal interactions so important to Koreans. Anyway, I recently had a strange conversation with a Korean friend about a couple of islands called 'Dokdo' which are apparently part of a territorial dispute between Korea and Japan. I'm wondering if you could explain the context of this conflict for me. Also, when I asked, "What's the big deal" -- after all, it's only a couple of islands -- my Korean friend got a little agitated. In your opinion, what is the most tactful way to discuss this issue with Koreans, and is there anything I should avoid saying, or doing, while talking about Dokdo, in order to avoid another awkward situation?

Dear Sandy:

First of all, before we get into any of the points in your letter, or address your question, I'd just like to remind you, by referencing events that happened before you came to Korea, that I've been here longer than you. I was here for the beef riots. I was here for President Roh's impeachment. I was here before Chunggyecheon, I was here when Jeon Ji-hyun was still a real person, I was here for English Spectrum Gate and the Armored Vehicle Riots and the World Cup and the IMF Bailout and the Asian Financial Meltdown and I may have been the guy to offer Dangun's garlic-breath-bear Father his first post-cave mentos. I used to toss chocolate bars to the Korean kids running behind my buddy's military vehicle, back when hooker hill went uphill both ways.

Second, I want you to know that, while I've lived that long in Korea, but I still can't speak Korean, I still know more about Korea than any of the Koreans I meet (not that I have any Korean friends, but why would I want a bunch of clones on my speed-dial anyway), because I can look at Korea objectively since I didn't grow up here, which means that comparing Korea with my home country and finding it wanting is ALWAYS more valid than any Korean's view of their own country. If a Korean disagrees with me about this, it is obviously because they have been brainwashed by their Korean-only, By Nationalism-Wacky Koreans For Nationalism-Wacky Koreans racist media.

When a Korean tries to approach you about the Dokdo issue, it is only because he is racist, and attempting to discriminate against you, and oppress your natural rights, guaranteed by international conventions, by pigeonholing you into the role of cultural pariah -- that is, Dokdo Non-believer, and force you to take an AIDS test even though foreigners obey the law WAY more than ANY Korean. If you refuse to drink the Dokdo Kool-aid from the KKKorean pure-blood fetishist, they will label you "wangta" and treat you like shit, because they're confucian, and confucianism is basically an excuse Koreans use to treat everyone like shit except other Koreans who are older than them... who they only lie to, and cheat behind their backs, rather than doing it openly, like they do with white people, south-asians, people from other provinces of Korea, and people younger than themselves. This is why you will never fit into Korean society, because all Koreans are inherently racist. It's in their DNA, right next to the "I believe Kimchi cures everything" gene and the "If it's on the internet and it says bad things about America, it must be true" gene and the "thirty-million gullible brainwashed saps can't be wrong, so I'd better follow the crowd, plus, this movement has a cartoon character! Squee!" gene. All Koreans are racist. All Koreans generalize about others, ALL the time. There is no hope for Korea in the future because inherently racist societies must fail in the world scene, and Korea will never change, Korea will never open their mind and see another point of view, and Korea will never try to understand other cultures. I'd realized that by my third month in Korea, and nothing I have seen, heard, or read since then has changed my mind, and nothing ever will.

Sorry... what was your question again?