After the death of Georgian Luger Nodar Kumaritashvili at the beginning of the Vancouver Olympics, short Korean men across the nation have been staying in, acting skittish, and looking over their shoulders everywhere they go.
Why the seemingly paranoid behavior? "After that Misuda episode, all of us guys under 180 centimeters tall are worried that we might be the next luger to go," 158 cm. tall Chan Won-gyu explained.
While offensive, this in itself was not enough to make Korea's under-height men fear for their lives; however, before the Vancouver games, the death of another of their kind - the late Nodar Kumaritashvili - has set them all to worrying for their lives. "Nobody's quite sure if his death was a consequence of his condition of being a luger - and if it was, any of us might be next." Chang Won-gyu is taking no risks. He's been taking the stairs instead of the elevator, and avoiding PC rooms, and other dark, yet busy areas where he might get singled out by a crowd. "It's been hard staying away from the whoring districts, but a man's gotta do what he needs to stay alive," Chang said, shrugging.
"Meanwhile, there are enough stereotypes about lugers already... I hope they don't think all of us lugers are like these two guys."
While for Chang, it's a simple equation: short men should watch their backs - he is confused about one thing. "How did luging become a sport? I mean, does the shortest guy win the gold medal? And is the winner just the biggest luger of them all? Winter sports are confusing. Go YUNA!"
Apolo Anton Ohno, the much-reviled (in Korea) American short-track speed skater, has won silver medal in the men's 1500 meter race. Ohno is unique in the sports world for several reasons.
First, a survey discovered that there are more Koreans who hate Apolo Ohno than there are humans on the entire planet who can name three or more short-track speed skaters. Ohno is the first athlete in history for whom the hate directed toward him actually outweighs the world sum of knowledge about his sport.
Ohno credits the obscurity of his sport: "It's not that well known, though there ARE a lot of medals in it at the Olympics," but others suggest that the main reason for this unique statistic is Ohno's overwhelming douchery.
"Just look at that f$*@ing chin-beard," said Korean president Lee Myung-bak, when asked about Ohno's success.
While he is most hated in Korea for allegedly stealing the gold medal from Korean skaters in the 2002 Olympics, investigative reporters have recently uncovered, and reported extensively, on other reasons to hate his soul-patchiness. Paparazzi recently photographed Ohno in a cafe in Koreatown LA, giving English conversation lessons to a Korean university student. The IRS reported that he had not registered those lessons: he was tutoring illegally. It seems he also meets a group of elementary-age Korean-immigrants to play scrabble or chat twice a week.
Other crimes they have accused Ohno of: having a stupid soul-patch, driving a Honda, having a Sony flatscreen, calling his half-Korean ex-girlfriend "crazy", thinking kimchi for breakfast is "weird", having a stupid soul-patch, being a non-Korean multiple Olympic medal-winner, not knowing Park Ji-sung, laughing at Team America: World Police a little too much, being better-looking that all Korean olympians except Kim-Yuna, asking Kim Yuna if she was from North or South Korea, and seriously, that f*#&ing soul patch.
Also, at the post-race press conference, Ohno pulled down his skating suit pants, and revealed that he was wearing Korean flag underwear with a taeguki right over his butthole, at which point he ripped a loud fart. He then, gloated, "I'm miles better than all those crappy Korean skaters from that crappy country South Korea, full of crappy people and crappy food and crappy crap. Then he asked if any Korean journalists were in the press room, and insulted them with the thumb/forefinger gesture, told them Kimchi sucks, punched a Korean baby, ripped up photos of Admiral Lee Sunshin, Lee Young-ae, and Kim Dae-jung, cut a janggeum open with a knife, and shouted, "Takeshima belongs to Japan".
(another actual letter from reader this time: we are so excite!)
Dokdo Is Ours is happy to introduce another expert to the ranks of our advice columnists; as always, Dokdo Is Ours will always be happy to accept your letters requesting advice from any of our stable of advisors. It is time now for:
Ask An Insecure Gyopo Who Can't Speak The Language Well Who Seeks Relative Cultural Credibility by Repeatedly Playing Food Ambassador To Foreigner Friends At Cheap 고기집s:
Hello everyone. It is I, Insecure Gyopo Who Can't Speak The Language Well Who Seeks Relative Cultural Credibility by Repeatedly Playing Food Ambassador To Foreigner Friends At Cheap 고기집s. First of all, please don't be intimidated by the authentic Korean I use in my pen name: there's nothing to be nervous about. It's just the hangeul for "Barbeque Restaurant" -- literally, "Meat House" 고기 (gogi) meaning meat, and 집 (jip) meaning house. I use a little Korean here and there in my conversation and writing, because, you know, I'm Korean. But I grew up in America: that's why I write English well. It is a quite a debut I have for you today, with four questions for you, all on a related topic. I do that sometimes, because Koreans are indirect. That's how we think. So here we go.
Question 1. Oh my god this marinated beef is so good, what's it called again?
Yes, I'm fond of it too. It's called 불고기 which is pronounced, "bool-go-gi" - it means fire (that's bul) meat (gogi). As you can see, one strength of Korean language is its functionality. It simply names the food exactly what it is. That's why it's easy to learn. I have to study Korean harder. My grandmother spoke it to me, but we went to America when I was two. However, the lettering system is very simple. Here. Let me write your name in Korean. See? David, here's your name: 대이비드 and here's yours, Joanne: 조앤 isn't that great? You can keep the napkin. It's yours.
Question 2. Would you please explain this fascinating business about the proper way to pour alcohol?
A-ha. As you can see, Korean culture is very complex. I think that's why my Uncle never talks to me. He doesn't speak English, and I can only speak a little Korean. God I should study Korean more. But he taught me this before I used the wrong verb ending with him, and accidentally called him "Maternal Aunt who is Wife of my Mother's Younger Brother" instead of "Paternal Uncle Who is Older Brother to my Father" - boy, was my face red. You see, to show proper respect, you have to lift your glass with two hands, or put your left hand under your right forearm like this. Then, tip the glass, tilting your wrist toward the inside - never the outside. Also, it's important to never refill a glass until it's empty. That's the other thing I did wrong to my uncle. That's about as bad as calling your American uncle ... well... something really insulting. Do you like soju? It's like, my favorite drink, even though I drank beer all through university... but that must be because I'm Korean. Loving soju must just be in my 피 OOPS! Did I say 피 instead of blood? I must have unconsciously replaced the English word with the Korean one. Silly me!
Question 3: I enjoy that which appears witty and ironic; would you happen to know where I could purchase a t-shirt that reads "foreigner" in Korean?
Sorry, I wouldn't know about that. I'm not a foreigner, you see.
Question 4: Dude you know about Club Night, right?
Yes, yes, I used to go to club night in my first year. Not any more: too many foreigners, and these days it's all so stylish. I swear it's not because I got older and the university girls won't dance with me anymore. Hongdae, which used to be known as a hub of underground and hipster music, is also home to Yonsei university, one of Korea's SKY universities... you know what SKY stands for, right? Shinchon also has an old historical train station that's been replaced by a (wrinkle nose in disgust) shopping center. I hate that REAL Korea is being replaced with all these shopping centers and IMAX theaters. I wish I could remember the Korea of my childhood more clearly. God I have to study Korean more. Hey, put another piece of meat on the barbeque: I'm still 배고파 OOPS! I used the Korean for hungry instead of English! I did it again! Please forgive me.
Dokdo Is Ours is very happy for have a letter writeing from fan. You can read. We has other letter too from reader that are wait for publish... patiently and don't worry. It is happen.
Dear Korean Promotional Brochure:
The Korean government has long been making crazy slogans and rolling out aggressive advertising campaigns promoting Korea as a tourist destination ("Visit Seoul Year 2010-2012" and "Happy Suwon" are two of many slogans). Bearing this in mind, I've long wondered why the DMZ tours to Panmumjeom aren't promoted more? It's something unique to Korea that no other country can offer and it seems to appeal to foreign tourists. Why not aggressively market Panmumjeom as a tourist destination only Korea can offer rather than... (I'll keep this polite and stop here).
From: A Long Time Expat (oops: them said please don't use real name.) From: A continuously extended foreigner
Dear A Continuously extended foreigner:
Not since Dangun proudly passed through his mother's bearish birth canal, and emerged from her vagina to be King of Korea, and the World's Greatest Baby (that's right: even better than Hero, the Beatles Baby above!), has Korea been more proud to explain the latest step of our 5000 year plan for world domination of culture. True, it seems sometimes that our plans and especially slogans are birthed, implemented and abandoned almost weekly, but this is simply part of our attempt to be a world mecca of slogans. Presently, New York, the Big Apple, The City that Never Sleeps, is the world hub of slogans and catchphrases, but we only need to change our tourism slogan four more times and we will be the world hub number one. And don't forget: some of our slogans and plans have a LOT of staying power: for example, Visit Korea Year 2010-2012 is three times longer than Visit Japan Year 2010: our Visit Korea Year is world number one longest visit year! Even longer than "Visit North Korea Year 1971-June 1972: Kim Il Sung Added Seven Months Named After Himself To Our Calender, and Things Have Been Confusing Since Then"
You ask an interesting question about Panmunjom: you see, we actually have big plans for Panmunjom, planning to make it an inspired and sparkling mecca of dynamic hubs, if you will. There are a handful of things about Korea that our main tourism organizations try to, shall we say, downplay, for fear of bad international press... but after some advice from a failed stand-up comedian who is a friend of the Minister of Tourism, and therefore represents every foreigner in the world, we've decided to go the opposite way.
Starting next year, we will be adding buildings and features to the Panmunjom complex, to create the "Korea's Dirty Secret Theme Park" -- it will be fun for the whole family, and it will be an opportunity to explore all the aspects of Korea that the brochure writers wish you wouldn't notice.
The theme park will include everything the President, and Invest Korea don't want you to know or hear about, adapted into fun games for the whole family:
View the wares walking through a whoring district (with authentic purple lights, and real gangsters in black suits hanging around outside -- this one might mostly be fun only for daddy). Also: once an hour, watch the "talent" do the marital infidelity dance!
Fill up your tank at "Bow-Wow-Chow-Wow!" - our special cafeteria that features ONLY dog meat dishes. All dog meat was properly tenderized the authentic, traditional Korean way.
Try your luck at the insane netizens comment board: it's an interactive game where you can type comments about Korea into a simulated online forum: see how critical you can get before 1000 flames flood your inbox!
Play the Blood-money Simulator: commit a "crime" in this interactive game, and then find out how much blood money will get you off the hook! All amounts lower if the victim is a foreigner!
Watch the suicide counter's moving digits slowly climb, and play a fun choose your adventure game called "How will Suji Cope with her Shame for Failing the Suneung?" The traffic fatality counter is also worth a gander!
Tour the "Kimchi causes gastric diseases" research center
Attend regular seminars on distorting information for political purposes, hosted by political leftist Korean organizations.
Justify This! (also known as "I've lived a hard life") Try to convince a judge that it was consensual, and not date-rape. This game may be boring for some, as it's really, really easy.
Toss seniors out into the street, by repossessing their homes in old neighborhoods for redevelopment, or just by having no social programs for the aged and unable to work. For extra fun, hand them a cart to gather recycling materials while they leave their homes, crying!
Bother the white foreigner: how long can you chat with him before he realizes you're just trying to get a free English lesson and gets annoyed? Or: can you surreptitiously stare at the white girl's boobs, without her noticing?
See if you have the skills it takes to work in Korean government with National Assembly Virtual Reality Boxing
The Xenophobia Filter Game: select which foreign influences to fear, and which to tolerate. The game is over if you don't spit on the English teacher dating a slutty-looking Korean girl!
Walk through the "I'm Afraid of Negroes" house of horrors: a replica of an inner-city African-American neighborhood: which one will you stare at, lest he steal something, where there are five walking around? Don't choose wrong, or you'll have to pay admission twice! Also: don't call the police on Heinz Ward, or people will KNOW you're a racist!
Challenge yourself with "I'm Not A Russian Whore!" - try to get admitted into a hospital with blonde hair and blue eyes, at 3 a.m.!
Throw rocks at the police and set fire to police buses at Protest Plaza! Or desecrate American and Japanese flags with various items from our desecration kit, including pig guts, bird blood, human pinky fingers, and 100 000 bees!
Welcome Back the Adoptee, for real prizes: give flowers to the ones who "made good" and cynically try to get the others to say nice things about the country that didn't want them, in order to improve the country's brand! Plus, every month, winners are entered into a draw for their OWN unwanted Korean baby!
Grab a sledgehammer for the "Destroy Part of Korea's Heritage" play room, where adults and kids alike can destroy ceramics and parts of hanok houses, to make way for modern apartment buildings!
Rest your tired feet watching a slide-show photo exhibition of the factories built with the money Korea took for selling out the Comfort Women
Be a CEO with the Gender Gap Job Interview Simulator, where you get to refuse to hire or promote female applicants. Send pink slips to pregnant women! Promote male slackers! Force pretty young subordinates to do love-shots with you! Fire women during unprofitable quarters, while propping up male "breadwinners!"
Put on blinders and see if YOU can ignore the sounds and images of starving North Korean children, and dying prison camp victims, while you walk through the Sunshine Policy Parkway. If you ignore them and walk all 100 yards without feeling a pang of guilt, you'll win a discount on that new phone you wanted! Sweet!
Exploit a tour guide! We have Southeast Asian tour guides to help you find your way around the park. You can make any unreasonable demand of them, and if you're in the least dissatisfied with their performance, you can sign their deportation order yourself!
And remember: hocking, spitting, and smoking are always allowed, ANYWHERE on the premises!
Come in the morning, stay all day remember: you're not allowed to leave until the boss goes, so find your favorite exhibit, and look busy!
Have a complaint? Come to the customer service booth, where we'll correct you!
So stay tuned, Continuously Extended Foreigner! And if you can think of any other exhibits that belong in the Dirty Secret Theme Park, please add them in the comments: we're still in the planning stages, so we'll take all suggestions into consideration.
If you don't like what I wrote, please go to the comments as well, where I'll correct your wrong opinion of my post. You should learn more about my blog, or go home.
I'm eleven years old, and there's this boy, Andy in my class, and I like him. I'm not sure if he likes me, too, but I'd really like to hold his hand, or maybe walk home from school with him. That would be so nice!
Yesterday, he was talking with his friends, and all of a sudden they all stopped talking and looked at me. I turned really red and looked at the floor, and they all laughed. I was so embarrassed, and I'm not sure what it means: does that mean Andy likes me, or does it mean he hates me? And what should I do to show him I like him?
Please let me know: I'm very confused.
Jessica
To the good but naive imperialist lapdog Jessica:
You have come to the right place: I, Kim Jong-il, the dear father, and the infinite source of all great wisdom, shall deign to answer your question, to symbolically show my caring for every North Korean worker, and to demonstrate my deep compassion, even for the smallest child. Were you child 15 342, in the nineteenth row from the left, and the hundred-ninth row from the front, during the children's dance at last year's Arirang Games Gala? I think I recognize you. I hope you've put on some weight since then.
Anyway, Andy and his friends action of looking at you, laughing, and then looking away is nothing less than an outright declaration of absolute war. The laughter was obviously at some plot to destroy your life and ideology, to rape your daughters and sell your wives away into the worst kind of slavery, to leave your husbands lying in pools of their own blood, to die as they watch their fields burn.
My advice to you is this: gather your war machines! Muster your allies and friends if you have some, scout Andy's strengths and defenses, and lay plans to exploit his weaknesses. Then attack suddenly, viciously, and without warning. In the dark of night, creep up upon his home, and before he has time to take up his own arms, engage him in absolute, earth-scorching war. Leave the bloodied bodies of him and his family hanging in the trees near his home, to serve as a warning to those nearby, and your whole class will respect and fear you.
Either that, or threaten him, make promises to do things for him, and then break them, while still demanding he keep his end of the bargain, and stomp your feet and cry if he won't go out with you, and then threaten him again, and repeat this cycle until he goes out with you. It's surprisingly effective.
Dokdo Is Ours:
As Korean as kimuchi!
if you need me to explain the jokes, you can write me at dokdoisours at gmail dot com... or read a different blog.
Sometimes, the best way to handle another culture is to laugh.
This blog is a satire. By reading this site, you acknowledge that you're smart enough to tell the difference between joking and honesty. If you are dumb enough to think these articles are the entirety of my actual opinions about Korea, or to think that anybody considers this blog an authoritative source on info about Korea, your permission to read this blog is revoked, due to your lack of a sense of humor. Go look at pictures of kimchi. They won't confuse you with uncertainty about what is true and what is a satirical facade. But maybe the kimchi was made in China.
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