Korea Under 17 Soccer to Start K-Pop Band

After winning the Women's Under-17 World Cup of Soccer last month, Korea's Under-17 Women's Soccer Team has revealed larger ambitions.

"Well," explains team star Yeo Min-ji, the tournament's leading scorer, "Coming from a country where women are often considered second-class citizens, it always burned us the way Korean Men's soccer got all the attention during the world cup, but not a single member of the women's team got a cosmetics endorsement, or even an awkward beer commercial."

"So we've decided to do what all Korean teenage girls want to do, if they want to become more famous: we're going to become pop stars."

SM Entertainment confirmed the report, saying that the entire twenty-three woman roster had signed identical twelve-year slave contracts, and that training in dance moves and sexy contortions would begin in November.

"Usually we have to train those lazy girls, whose only self-discipline comes from dancing into their webcams," explained Jung, SM Entertainment's main talent scout.  "These girls come to us already in the peak of physical condition, which gives us high hopes, as long as we can get them to move in unison."

Stylist Kang Young-ju, SM Entertainment's fashion consultant, has done initial beauty consultations with each of the girls, "They came in pretty confident, having just won the under-seventeen world cup; I had to spend a lot of time shaming them for their big faces, lacks of v-lines and s-lines and x-lines, for their over-muscular legs and energetic demeanors, before they really realized how far they had to come before they could accomplish anything in the world: what man would find a vivacious, strong and fit woman attractive?  But don't worry.  By the time I'm done, they'll know how to demur, lower their eyes, play aegyo, and act like passive kittens."

PR Coach Han Sohn-gyu also encouraged the victorious players to be more careful about how they spoke to the press.

"Stop talking about all this soccer stuff: the last thing a man wants to hear about is a woman telling him she's really good at kicking balls," he explained, shuddering, "from now on, I want them to use adjectives like 'silly' and 'dumb old me' to talk about themselves, not 'ass-kicking,' 'conquering,' or 'world-class'."

Everyone at SM entertainment is excited about the prospect of a 23-member K-pop band.  "There's just so, so, so many!  If one of them isn't a good dancer, we can just put her in the back row, but 23 young girls doing dance moves in skirts: we'll have our audiences hypnotized, even if they don't have any talent!  And from what I've seen in their first dance trials, they might not."

"We'll have them ready to be pop-stars in no time.  Then, their mothers will truly be proud."

And if they fail at K-pop stardom?

"Well, there are always two other ways to success in Korea: passing the bar exam, or marrying a doctor," explained Yeo Min-Ji's mother, who refused to comment on her daughter's habit of playing sports.

Korean Macarena the 꼭지점 Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu is World Virus Video! Hallyu! Korea Korea Korea!

Hello!  You think I'm forget to you, don't it, reader?  But I'm can't forget!  It's too much my love Korea, and want your love also.  So today.  Oh!  So proud!

Let me explain.  Do you know Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu?  I tell you.  It's a Korea dance crazy for example like tell me dance!  In fact, it's Korean Macarena!  Except nobody heard about.  Except Korea people world cup danseu people is know.  And we make the dance for promote Korea culture the world by create world craze through South Aprica World Cup so everybody know Korea.

Also Kroea invent Vuvuzela.

Here is Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu.  (from source is here)

I'm want your watchi very carepully. Famous 2006 World Cup Dance! World Craze!


Because now it's little girl: she is love Korea piety.  Her have watchi Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu many time, and then make her dance virus!

If look the video, you can see two thing:  One: the girl dance like virus am spread, just as Korea wave spread and everybody can't resist love the Korea culture like Gok-Ji-Jeom when they are see.

Two: The girl love for the Korea one blood people is purely like her purely smile and touching: certainly she am good daughter and filial duty also patriotic piously to Korea!  Her big smile show: I'm think she have kimchi in her teeth too.

Now watch it's danseu exact same the Gok-Ji-Jeom.  EXACT!  It have arm and leg move, like Gok-Ji-Jeom.  It have people move same time like Gok-Ji-Jeom.  It have big corporate sponsor (it's a world brand Samsung!11!!) like Gok-Ji-Jeom!  Watch her pure love to the Korea spread like virus to every town people!


Maybe you say "This dance are totally different."  or maybe you say "Only it's Korea media call Gok-Ji-Jeom" or maybe you say "Other country people don't know Gok-Ji-Jeom and don't know it's Korea Dance and don't care if Korea dance or just little girl cute dance." or maybe you say "Jesus Christ, Korea, just fucking get over yourselves already" and maybe you am have point... but here my answer, completely disprove your question:

Why are you hate the korea?  You go home monkey white hater people!  I'm hate your criticize!  So hate!  Your foreigner stay away Korea people korea lady no touchi you stupid big nose exploitation to the Korea culture!  I'm insult you on the bus if I'm see!  I'm hate hollywood! I'm hate Marilyn Monroe and her beautiful round breasts and hate your go home leave us alone! and die yankee scum fuckbag! but please spending tourism money and tell friend "Hey! Come to Korea! It's great!" first before eat shit and die.

Here am another Gok-Ji-Jeom Danseu for compare: its' exact!  Like Dokdo Map accurate and glory to Korea!



SEE? Exactly the same as little girl who love the Korea. If you're disagree my friends crash to your server, put your personal informations on Naver so everybody see and join hate you like Jim Hewish.

(source: Herald.  Sometimes you get it, too.)

More Gok-Ji-Jeom: so great! (see the more: all exactly same like dance virus and same as little girl dance! Really!)

Best of DIO: Wayback - Late 2009

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Seoul's 2022 World Cup Bid Includes Conquest Plans for North Korea

After reading the article, "Korea to Share Games with North if Chosen to Host 2022 World Cup," Dokdo Is Ours tracked down Park Yu-tu, to discover further details about such a boggling proposition. Here is the interview as it transpired.

DIO: So, Mr. Park, you're in charge of South Korea's World Cup 2022 bid?

Park: That's correct. I mange the slush funds, the callgirls, the promotional materials, and I lead the 'outlandish promises' team.

DIO: And how many people are on the outlandish promises team?

Park: About forty-million.  Some of them are working on finding ways to control Korea's soccer players by remote access, through computer chips in their heads, so that our Starcraft champions can control our players the way they control their armies in Starcraft.  We'd be invincible!

DIO: So, tell me more about this plan to include games in North Korean sites in the 2022 World Cup.

Park: Well, because we're not totally sure about North Korea's leadership over the next decade, we of course have several contingencies, all of which were presented to the FIFA inspectors during our pitch last week.

DIO: And what are some of those contingencies?

Park: After talking with North Korea, they're happy to participate in the World Cup if it means more famous people will be photographed visiting North Korea, in order for their journalists to make up regime-friendly quotes for them.  Also, because the host team automatically qualifies for the World Cup, the North is very interested in providing housing and food for the opposing teams, and they seemed particularly excited about providing breakfast for opposing team players on game days.  I can't imagine why.  They say they are designing special hotel suites for players from other countries, so they'll be especially prepared to play the home team.

DIO: Were there any qualifiers attached to this cooperation?

Park: Well, if FIFA insists on inspecting these hotel rooms before the game days, the North will withdraw its cooperation.  Unless the FIFA inspectors are the same people as the nuclear inspection team that investigated North Korea's WMD development programs from 1999-2004.

DIO: And what if North Korea DOES fail to cooperate?

Park: That's contingency number one, of course.  As you can see on these diagrams, extensive plans for the conquest of North Korea were also presented to the FIFA team: we're confident that if we attack in 2018, we can defeat North Korea and have soccer stadiums finished by 2021 - well ahead of time.  The unification of the Korean peninsula would be a great backstory to the games, too: "World Cup of Unification!" So heartwarming! Imagine! Hey! Maybe that could be the theme song!  John Lennon's 'Imagine.'  A defeated North Korea would make an ideal host, really: the broken will of the people will make the people very pliant service-workers in the hotels and restaurants.  Plus, we'll be making them work for no pay - victor's rights and all - so the World Cup will be guaranteed to come in under budget.

DIO: Very interesting.  So what other outlandish promises were made during the bid?

Park: Oh, the usual: legions of creamy-thighed virgins, economic prosperity, safe return of their missing sons, a special off-center balanced ball that will lead to scads of goals, and of course, free Samsung phones for everyone!

DIO: So you're saying that South Korea will go to war to host the World Cup again?

Park: You say that as if there's something wrong with that.  I haven't mentioned contingency two yet, have I?

DIO: And that would be?

Park: The conquest of whichever country IS awarded the 2022 World Cup - that contingency was presented to the FIFA Inspectors as well, and they are well aware that we have all their home addresses.

DIO: Don't you think the threat of violence is a bit extreme?

Park: Hey man!  Why are you hate the Korea?  You should learn more the Korea, or Yankee Go Home!  I'm think you don't anything the Korea.  Just chase Korean girl, disrespect Korea culture!  Why you hate the Korea so much?  Oh MY GAT!  I so ANGRY!!

Unfortunately, the interview was ended at that point, when Park Yu-tu attempted to have Dokdo Is Ours stand on a trap door and drop him into a shark tank.

Civil Service Exam to be Scrapped for Sake of Restoring Proper Gender Proportions

original article

For literally centuries, Korea's best and brightest young men gathered in the capital for the civil service exam: one of the hardest, and most prestigious exams in the country.  According to education scholars, those who succeeded were awarded with high positions of government service, leading to intense competition to be among those brilliant young men who entered the King's courts on scholarly talent alone.

Yet recently, the austere position of government service has been sullied, more and more so in recent years, and many top policy makers are upset.  "It used to be that passing this exam meant something," complains Ryu Gwang-jo, "I remember being alerted that I'd passed back in 1972, and looking forward to working with Korea's most capable male minds over a long career of soju rounds, hands on my male colleagues' thighs in jimjilbangs, and ass-gropings of waitresses at the hoeshik.  No prospect could have made me more excited!"

Unfortunately for Ryu and others like him, in recent years, female applicants have been equaling, and even surpassing men's performance on the civil service exam.  "It seems like every entry level worker in our office these days is a female -- I don't even know what to do with them!  I can only drink so much coffee in a day, and eat so many sammiches - after I'm full, I don't know how to give all these females orders."  Ryu holds up his left hand.  It shakes noticeably.  "That's from all the caffeine!"

Ryu was not the only official to notice the disturbing trend: the board responsible for civil service human resources sought a way to restore the proper gender ratio for a prestigious job like civil service.  "We've decided to move to a system of open recruiting - interviews and applications and the like - similar to the way chaebols like Samsung and LG keep their workforces overwhelmingly male" recruiting has an added bonus.  "By hiring pretty but untalented women, and finding excuses to pass over talented, bright, or highly educated and ambitious women like the ones who have been entering the civil service, we will more easily justify the fact none of the females in our system are being promoted above middle-management.  I'm looking forward to my own pretty, leggy, but useless secretary.  At least she won't know where to make a formal complaint if I proposition her, like my last secretary."

Others point out other benefits of the new hiring policy: "We'll be able to hire more male law graduates, and all those talented females wasting years studying for the civil service exam will now be encouraged to get secretarial work, wait tables, scoop ice cream, or make babies.  I anticipate a future where many more males will feel proud of their contributions to society," explains Park Jo-moon, one of the architects of the new hiring policy.

Mr. Park sits back, pleased with himself.  "This also comes in good time, because if any more women passed the exam, we'd have to redesign our government office buildings, which only have men's bathrooms on most floors."

And what will the smart, well-educated, ambitious women who have been preparing for the exam do?  "Let them take the bar exam," suggests Park, "while it lasts."  Sang Gyeong-mo, president of the Korean Bar Association, is already planning for such an event.  "We're already looking at adding new requirements to the Bar, in order to be sure Korean lawyers' ranks remain overwhelmingly male.  You may know that females are gaining fast on men in passing the bar as well: whether passing an interview or a law school course will be prerequisite to taking the bar exam - which would put the requirement of filtering out uppity females on universities' law school admissions officers - or whether the final portion of the bar exam will be writing a word with urine in the snow, believe me, we'll find a way."

No women were interviewed for their opinions on this new change.  Why would they be?  Dokdo Is Ours doesn't want to waste his time listening to a bunch of talk about pink things and babies.

Korea Times: You're Shitting Me, Right?

screenshot.
Yeah, it's like shooting fish in a barrel, but come on, KT.  At least fucking TRY!

Source.  Some of the best parts (before they go back and fix it) from the text:


It has been claimed that drug felon Paris Hilton, 29, used her body as a hiding place for her drug.

A longtime friend of Hilton said Tuesday on ianundercover.com that Paris....has since avoided police arrest by hiding drugs in a lubricated condom in her vagina.
...
an interview from an anonymous source, published on a blog, saying bad things about Paris...


“Paris has used all kinds of drugs for years,” said the blog a day before. “She needs rehab more than anyone in Hollywood, including Lindsay Lohan. I went to high school with her and even there she was totally out of control.”


and, surprise, surprise, the e-mail address at the bottom of the page (kwh8121@gmail.com) is the exact same as the one about Jennifer Anison's secret threesome genitalia from earlier this week.  When called for an interview, KT's copy editor had no further comment.

Also: breaking news:

It's great to be the Boss's nephew! (from the same guy)

Readers, that'll be the last time I pick on the KT for a while.  There are some Chosun Ilbo photographers ripe for a lampooning, and while I'm sure KT will continue to provide me with fish in the barrel, it gets boring.

Plus, my eyes hurt, and I think my I.Q. just dropped.

Best of DIO: Wayback - Early 2009

I am sitting in front of a mirror as I write this... Hanshik!!!!!
Mad Cow Disease has been causing memory loss in Korean Homemakers
SuperJunior Plagiarizing again... wait a minute... what?
New North Korean Restaurant as Authentic as it Gets
First Year Teachers: "Korea is Different Than Back Home"

Meet the Korea Times' Copy Editor: "It's Hard Typing in Perfect English with One Hand"

From the Korea Times Handbook of Style and Journalism Ethics

Dokdo Is Ours recently had the opportunity to talk to the copy editor of The Korea Times.  The interview transcript follows:

DIO: So, your job is copy editing for the Korea Times: that means you check for English errors in the article?

Korea Times Copy Editor: Boobs. Blondes. Boobs. Blondes.

DIO: Lately, it seems like there have been numerous English errors in the Korea times: especially in articles about western celebrities.  Do you have anything to say about that?

KTCE: Boobs. Blondes. Boobs. Blondes.

DIO: So did you read this article as carefully as you normally read articles, checking for mistakes?

KTCE: Boobies.  Boobies.  Lesbian.  Boobies.  Lesbian.  BLONDE LESBIAN!  Jessica Alba!

DIO: Did you notice there was an article attached to this picture of Jennifer Aniston?

KTCE: ANNNNISSSSSTOOOOOONNNNNN!  Boobieboobieboobieboobie.

DIO: No, no.  The ARTICLE!

KTCE: What article?

DIO: Is the Korean translation of the article grammatically correct?

KTCE: Yuh yuh. yuh.

DIO: Don't you feel bad for the Koreans who read these articles to try and learn English, and are presented with so many English errors that the article's English translation isn't only useless, it's actually HARMFUL to their English study?

KTCE: Boobies.

DIO: You're a terrible reporter!  You can't even write in fucking English!

KTCE: Hey back off, man.  It's hard typing with one hand; you want me to do it in perfect English, too?

Rule 72 in the Korea Times Handbook of Journalism Ethics and Style Rules:

If it's about naked hollywood stars, google translate will do.  'cause nobody's reading the articles except Dokdo Is Ours.
(article here)

The rest of the article was about the KTCE's hobby, drumming.  In it, you finally get to see Dokdo Is Ours' face, after many years of anonymity:


Update:

to stop the bleeding, and the humiliation, Korea Times has shortened and edited the article in question: compare this screencap with the previous one.  Maybe the KT should pay DIO for his/her editing services, if they plan to continue use this blog as a content quality control indicator.