Ask Kim Jong-il

(inspired by... and many others like it)

Dear Kim Jong-il

I'm eleven years old, and there's this boy, Andy in my class, and I like him. I'm not sure if he likes me, too, but I'd really like to hold his hand, or maybe walk home from school with him. That would be so nice!

Yesterday, he was talking with his friends, and all of a sudden they all stopped talking and looked at me. I turned really red and looked at the floor, and they all laughed. I was so embarrassed, and I'm not sure what it means: does that mean Andy likes me, or does it mean he hates me? And what should I do to show him I like him?

Please let me know: I'm very confused.

Jessica

To the good but naive imperialist lapdog Jessica:

You have come to the right place: I, Kim Jong-il, the dear father, and the infinite source of all great wisdom, shall deign to answer your question, to symbolically show my caring for every North Korean worker, and to demonstrate my deep compassion, even for the smallest child. Were you child 15 342, in the nineteenth row from the left, and the hundred-ninth row from the front, during the children's dance at last year's Arirang Games Gala? I think I recognize you. I hope you've put on some weight since then.

Anyway, Andy and his friends action of looking at you, laughing, and then looking away is nothing less than an outright declaration of absolute war. The laughter was obviously at some plot to destroy your life and ideology, to rape your daughters and sell your wives away into the worst kind of slavery, to leave your husbands lying in pools of their own blood, to die as they watch their fields burn.

My advice to you is this: gather your war machines! Muster your allies and friends if you have some, scout Andy's strengths and defenses, and lay plans to exploit his weaknesses. Then attack suddenly, viciously, and without warning. In the dark of night, creep up upon his home, and before he has time to take up his own arms, engage him in absolute, earth-scorching war. Leave the bloodied bodies of him and his family hanging in the trees near his home, to serve as a warning to those nearby, and your whole class will respect and fear you.

Either that, or threaten him, make promises to do things for him, and then break them, while still demanding he keep his end of the bargain, and stomp your feet and cry if he won't go out with you, and then threaten him again, and repeat this cycle until he goes out with you. It's surprisingly effective.

May you live Ten Thousand Years!

Kim Jong-il