Tuesday, 25 May 2010

The Real Reason Mr. Wonderful Hates the "Circle Jerk": Actual Text

(see bottom for update)

Wanna know the REAL reason Mr. Wonderful hates Blian Golden Balls, Lobby da Ass-crown, Clissy Snowfrake, Dickless Stevie, Zen Kimchi-dick, and Shannon Rotten-Crotch (that's two jokes [crotches and l/r] in six names... we're approaching Korean Game-Show Recycling Footage levels of "lack of actual content" here)?  And what about Matty Lame-o, whom Mr. Wonderful hates so much that he hasn't even used one of his only jokes two on him?  Wanna know the REAL bee in his bonnet?

Well, Dokdo Is Ours, intrepid investigative journalist extraordinaire, has uncovered the true reason for you: by successfully hacking Matty Lame-O's e-mail account.  The real reason Mr. Wonderful hates Matty is because his application to enter the circle jerk was rejected.  He had his hand and tongue hanging out, covered with jelly, only to be spurned.  Here is original article he sent to Expat Living, and the e-mail exchange that followed:


MR. WONDERFUL:
"Wednesday!"

Hello readers.  This will be a weekly column for Korea Herald's.  I hope that you will find it droll.  I really do.  Here is a picture of me in a suit.  Dazzling, isn't it?  I wear suits because I want you to like me. 

This will be an entertaining series about life in Korea, and all the things I like.  If you do not like my writing, I hope you will accept my apologies, and go treat yourself... to an ice cream.  I hope we can be friends.  I really hope you enjoy a my writing, so that my blog, "Yankeenom.blogspot.com" is recognized as one of Korea's best blogs, like Brian in Jeollanam-do, Chris in South Korea, Roboseyo.  By the way, Steven Revere: I hope your reading, because I'd LOVE to write some germane, witty articles for your magazine as well.  Maybe we could be BFF's!

This article will be about using the bus in Korea.  As a foreigner, using the bus in Korea can be hard, especially for the newcomers who dont speak or read much Korean yet.  However, here are some tips on what to do, to have an easier go.  It's not hard: even a drunken ass can do it, and I would know: my wife, a blushing Korean rose, often harangues me about my exasperating habit of getting on the wrong bus: "You can be foolish sometimes," she grins.  My son, a diligent young student, sees me onto the right bus every time, but if I drink too much soju, if I'm drunk as a toad, I get lost.

The best thing you can do to find the right bus is very easy: always make sure your phone has minutes and battery juice before you head out, and just call your local area code, and "1330," and an operator will give you instructions!  Problem solved!  You can get home, and take your dumps in peace once you're there.  You can even read my articles in the Korea Herald while you shit.


MATT LAMERS:
Uncle Kev, good article; please tighten up the writing a bit - your introduction is too long, and the article would improve if you added more options for catching a bus, in case some readers don't have cellphones, or they want to try and read the bus schedules.  By the way, abbreviations and the word "shit" are not appropriate for The Korea Herald.


Mr. WONDERFUL
Let me try again.  Sorry to cause trouble, Matt!  Hope you'll still let me buy you some microbrew sometime! ㅎㅎㅎ

Wednesday!

Hello readers.  Every Wednesday I will write this article.  You can read it on the toilet while you're shitting your kimchi breakfasts.  Do you like my article?  Please check yes or no.  If you don't like it, you can read something else.  I'm Mr. Wonderful; I have a blog called "Yankeenom" - haha.  I'd like my blog to be popular and well-known; I plan to fill it with new content regularly, and classy, tasteful photos.

This article is about using the bus in Korea.  It was inspired by Chris in South Korea, one of my favorite bloggers, and a blogger whom I aspire to be like.  Maybe we could hang out sometime?  With you and Stephen Revere, maybe?

Using the bus is not hard.  When I'm sloshed on Toad Juice, I sometimes get in shouting matches on the bus, but the racist old ass-wipes patrolling the buses for interracial daters deserve my righteous retorts.  My wife, roars like a dragon when I get on the wrong bus, she says, "You da asshole" but my little biracial son helps.  Meanwhile, there are signs at every bus stop.  Learn to read Korean, stupid!  You've been here for, how long now?  It's not hard.  Get on it, and call 1330 if that fails.


MATT LAMERS
Uncle Kev, really sorry to cause trouble here, but please refer to soju as soju, not toad juice; don't use the word shit, and really, leave the bathroom jokes on your blog; I can't print that.  Making fun of your wife, and calling readers stupid is probably not a good idea, either.

-M

MR WONDERFUL
Sorry, Matt.  I'm trying my best.  Will you please still invite me to your parties?  My wife is asking me why I spend all this time writing, and being able to show her something in Expat living would mean a lot - it's her favorite page in the entire print media.  Would you please add meaning to my life, by printing my re-written article?

WEDNESDAY!

I've been getting a lot of criticism lately about my writing, well last night I got good and liquored up on the toad juice, and decided all those stick-in-the-muds can go fuck themselves!  The dragon lady says, "You da stupid man!  Go teach da kids make money!  Expat libing isn't pay da money anyway!"  I went to the PC room near my house instead.  Nearly got hit by a goddamn bus.  Those asshole drivers are gonna kill me someday.  I read the Korea Herald while I was taking a shit, and I realized that I don't need that shit anyway.  I couldn't remember a single thing I read.

If you want to ride the bus, it's not hard, unless you're a fucking retard.  Don't be a retard, and ride the bus.  Get a transport card and see where it goes.  If Matty Lame-ers doesn't run this article, I hope he gets syphilis.

MATT LAMERS
Sorry, Uncle Kev, I can't run that, and I'm rethinking the regular column, too.  I think I have to withdraw the offer.  I'll keep reading your blog, to see how your writing progresses... maybe we'll be in touch again sometime.  But not for now.

-M

MR. WONDERFUL

I'LL GET YOU, MATT!!!!


(dear my readers: don't worry. I actually DO want my readers to have a reason to visit my blog, so rather than antagonize mr. wonderful as often as he deserves, I'll only mock him mercilessly as often as I think my readers can stand. If you want to read more of Mr. Wonderful, don't forget to **follow this link!**)

Update:
Oh no! It looks like Uncle Snowflake (aka Mr. Wonderful) can't handle a little ribbing! As a supposed Christian, you'd think he'd consider Matthew 7:12 - "Do to others what you would have them do to you," take a big fat look at how many people he's mocked mercilessly and needlessly on his blog (WAY out of proportion with whatever they may have said about him at some point - a direct violation of that "do unto others" thing that he supposedly follows), and figure it out.  Turnabout's fair play; quit yer whinin'.

So everybody, since Mr. Wonderful loves nicknames (The Dildoe Is Mine - Sweet! I got a crotch joke nickname!  Didn't see that coming!) his new nickname is "Uncle Snowflake" and the long version is "Uncle Snowflake The Thin-Skinned Bitch"  (partial credit to this commenter)

If you want Uncle Snowflake to stop talking about other bloggers and boring his readers, address him as "Uncle Snowflake The Thin-Skinned Bitch" as often as possible in the comments of his posts.

I've got nothing against Uncle Snowflake personally, but I do wish he'd get back to his funny storytelling and stop acting like a thin-skinned bitch when other bloggers talk about him.

6 comments:

Lee Farrand said...

I found him really funny in the beginning, but then less so. His first few months of posts are quite good. DIO on the other hand, has the creamy consistency we can rely on.

Anonymous said...

That's because I have seven jokes, and I rotate them regularly. Two jokes isn't quite enough.

ps: I like your blog, Mr. Lee.

-DIO

Anonymous said...

It astounds me how that guy can dish it out daily but he can't take even a little.

He goes slandering, insulting impersonating, and posting pictures of bloggers, then when someone takes exception and turns the tables, he plays the victim.

You have to feel sorry for his poor wife and kids. :S

Anonymous said...

You and your readers are easily astounded.

And Lee, does that creamy consistency make your keyboard sticky, too?

ps you guys sound like a couple of homos!

Matt said...

I really never got why he was considered "funny." He's just another lame, unfunny expat with a blog.

Brian said...

Remember how last fall he was considered relevant and edgy? And remember how he went out of his way to pick online fights with me? And remember how he moved on to a few other bloggers and people in the media? And remember how his readers said he should stop wasting his time picking on better blogs and get back to his own shit? And remember how he kept at it anyway? And remember he went so off the deep end he forgot what he was writing about in the first place?

Yeah, that was awesome.