Transcript: How Lee Myung-bak Imagined His Lunch with Barack Obama Would Go

Balack Obamer: . . . so then I told the President of Japan, "If you call Dokdo 'Takashima' again, I'll nuke Hiroshima a second time, bitch! He cried like a war crime-victim and signed an apology in full to the comfort women including financial reparations, and signed over Dokdo to Korea... he even threw Tsushima-- that's Daemado now -- in for free, just because he felt bad.

LMB: Ah. Your anecdotes bore me, Mr. Obama. Please, let's talk about the Free Trade Agreement.

BO: Yes, yes. You know, my wife Michelle bought a Hyundai during our campaign, and we've been so impressed by its performance that we've decided to give Korea unfettered access to the American market, and to stop trying to export cars and phones to Korea: we understand that Korea is very small, and has many people, so it's very competitive, so there's no need to clutter the Korean market with inferior American cars. You won't have to worry about that anymore. We might close down GM entirely, or let KIA take it over.

LMB: I will only accept those terms if you insist that all computers in The United States reverts to Internet Explorer 6.

BO: Done! Oh dear lord! What is this fiery, spicy vegetable side dish? My mouth is burning like fire!

LMB: Aha! I was wondering when you were going to ask about that.

BO: Please! Don't keep me in suspense!

LMB: It's kimchi! Frankly speaking, it's Korea's signature dish!

BO: Ooh! What was that clever turn of phrase you just used?

LMB: Do you mean... frankly speaking?

BO: Yes! Yes! I really like that! I'll use that more often in my own daily conversations from now on. Please, can you tell me more about kimchi? How many different kinds of kimchi are there?

LMB: Well, there IS some debate on that point. Without factoring in regional variations and family recipes, there are at least a hundred types of kimchi.

BO: I want to try them all!

LMB: Let me finish.

BO: Sorry. My bad.

LMB: However, some estimate there to be as many as four or five hundred types of kimchi.

BO: That's amazing. You know, I bet other countries are constantly trying to pass off inferior imitations of kimchi as their own national dishes, but they're never fermented properly, or full of maggots, or mispronounced.

LMB: As a matter of fact, you're right about that.

BO: Say, you know what's funny? I was talking with the Presidents of China and Japan about franchise restaurants, and I could barely understand them when they said the word "McDonalds" -- yet when I spoke with you earlier, I could understand your pronunciation of the word on the very first try. What clever trick of the Korean language allows you to pronounce words in other languages so accurately?

LMB: Would you like to know?

BO: Oh, I do, I do!

LMB: Well, it started a long long time ago, with a man named Sejong...

(much, much later)

LMB: ... and Lee Sunshin killed more Japanese than any other Korean, and that's why he's our country's greatest hero.

BO: Amazing! After hearing that story, I plan on changing the Lincoln Memorial into a monument for Lee Sunshin.

LMB: No, no, Mr. Balack. you should keep the Lincoln Memorial as it is. Your little American people seem to like him.

BO: You know, I've been thinking of making Korean language a requirement in the American school curriculum. Do you have any more of that kimchi stuff?

(thanks to @koreangov for the idea; for more on the Obama-Lee Lee-Obama summit, see his/her brand-new blog)