To Gain Concessions, Kim Jong-Il Claims Responsiblity for Wondergirls English Version

Kim Jong-il has claimed responsibility for the American English version of the Wondergirls' hit song 'Nobody', announcing his intention to bring all America to its knees through hypersweet K-pop confections, in case his nuclear missiles fail.


American President Barack Obama had nothing to say about the despot's new tactic, though he was noticed to be tapping his feet while the musical sample played. "That's cute."

Hilary Clinton, meanwhile, reiterated that America would not negotiate with terrorists, be the weapon nuclear arms or toe-tapping dance crazes.

Park Jin-young, the purported producer of the Wondergirls, has denied any links to North Korea, and states that Kim Jong-il's attempt to use The Wondergirls' ultra-catchy pop sensibility for international terrorsim is reprehensible, and calls the claims categorically false.

"This American English version of 'Nobody' is meant to whet the appetites of American fans: the Wondergirls will be opening for the virginal Jonas Brothers and the Wondergirls have declared open intention to seduce them.

American fans, that is."

Park Jin-young has also announced that, now that the American English version of "Nobody" is on its way, the Wondergirls and the JYP songwriting team is working on a version of the song in British English. In the UK, the Wondergirls will be headlined as "Woundergirls"

"We realize that British and American English English are different, and can cause misunderstandings. That's why my former hagwon owner never hired Canadians or British, or black people. We're working hard to translate song lyrics into British English: for example, instead of "So Hot," we're going to name the song "So Ace" in England, and try to incorporate British phrases like "wanker" "bob's your uncle" and "keep your pecker up," which means fighting! I mean, cheer up." I found a useful website and I'm using it to totally rewrite our lyrics!

The anticipated cover of the British Wondergirls album.

From the Chosun Ilbo's Esteemed Photo Section:

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telephoto lens.

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high school girls. heh heh. wet.



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High school girls.


Foreign girls.

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Underage? What's that?

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Foreign girls.


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this is what they mean by exposee, right?

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This is the Chosun Ilbo, last, best bastion of Korean journalism reporting.

You stay classy!

Links:
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Lee Myung-Bak Named World Leader of The Year: 1958

For his groundbreaking work on surpressing civil dissent and utilising the media to promote his ends, while judiciously limiting the freedoms of the ignorant masses for their own good, Lee Myung-bak has been awarded "World Leader of the Year, 1958"

"What Korea needs right now is an authoritarian hand to guide it out of the wreckage of the Korean War: after such a divisive event like the Korean War, South Korea clearly needs ideological unity in order to move forward. We applaud President Lee's clever initiatives to quell subversion and fractured ideology through prosecution of the media and outlawing protest."

President Lee's leadership style has been described as "headstrong," "unable to see other points of view," "clumsy" and "as bad as Adolf Hitler" by some of his critics, but he has been diligent in maintaining national unity by burying such subversives in so much litigation and paperwork that they are unable to continue criticizing him: this "death by lawyer" tactic is praised as a forward-thinking technique more advanced than the kind of detainment in political prisons used by other world leaders. "We thought about trying everyone for communism, like good old Joe McCarthy," President Lee said, "but this way we don't even need to bother with facts to be distorted: we just send investigators to their house to ask them questions that don't lead anywhere. Then come the lawyers."

While a civil servants' union and several newspapers are openly criticizing President Lee's adherence to an agenda that is losing popularity, his prosecution's possibly politically motivated investigation of the late ex-president Roh Moo-hyun, and his prosecution of news programs that caused him political difficulty. However, President Lee is unfazed. "Once we remove these dissidents, the friendly news agencies will help the public to quickly forget all that inconvenient stuff, and our nation will be unified. In exchange for some favors, we have The Wonder Girls planning four more comebacks this year to keep the public distracted."

Other reasons Lee was chosen were his commitment to bring his country into the modern era through trade, and large infrastructure projects, like a big effing canal, that will help intraKorean trade, as right now Koreans have no way to travel from Seoul to Busan. In order to facilitate his initiatives, President Lee is working to concentrate more power in the office of President. His rival, Park Geun-hye has found herself on the outside looking in: another of president Lee's strategies to enact his agenda more efficiently has been to ostracize even members of his own party who disagree with him: such a bold leadership style earned kudos from several other world leaders.

One young Venezuelan expressed his admiration for President Lee in a warm letter with a picture. "I am Hugo. I like you." His father, Hugo de Los Reyes, thought little Hugo Chavez would go far if he took President Lee's methods to heart.

"Just remember, little Hugo: gather power, silence your critics," were the wise words President Lee gave his advice to the small boy. As an object lesson, he let little Hugo hold the stamp while he approved the persecution of a political cartoonist.

So what are President Lee's plans for 1959, to try and repeat next year?

"Lots of plans...I've taken care of almost all my critics and opponents, and we're hoping to discredit those remaining this year; from there, I'm thinking of making Christianity the official state religion of Korea and possibly merging the media with the government's promotional sector. Then I'll have basically a blank slate to form Korea in the shape I want. For God."

Park Ji-Sung Greatest Soccer Player in Sport History: Online Poll

Park Jisung:
better than Pele?

In a startling upset, Korean Manchester United forward Park Ji-sung was voted the greatest soccer player in history, thanks to 48 333 001 write-in votes.

The forward, hailing from South Korea, population 48 333 000, has been playing on the English Premier League team Manchester United for several years now. He is known for running a lot.

FIFA Online, the international soccer organization's website, organized a simple online survey asking netizens who they believed was the greatest soccer player in the history of the sport: the ballot included names like Johan Cruyff, Diego Maradona, the immortal Pele, Zinedine Zidane, and defender Franz Beckenbauer, but at the bottom of the list was a box for write-in votes. An amazing deluge of write-in votes for Park Ji-sung started at 10pm last night, coinciding with a link to the survey appearing on Korean portal Naver.com's front page. Every vote for Park Ji-sung came from URLs inside the Republic of Korea except a single vote from the only active internet URL in North Korea: Kim Jong-il also likes Park Ji-sung.

When asked about outpacing legends like Pele in the survey, Park Ji-sung was taken aback, and said only, "My teammates will give me a pinkbelly if I brag about it."

However, Korean soccer fan Jang Myeongju was happy to comment.

"If it's on the internet, it must be true. Park Jisung is the greatest soccer player in history: I always knew it. Truly, Korea is climbing the rankings in world influence. First Rain was the world's most influential person, then BoA was number one on an MTV online poll, Choi Hong-man was voted the best K-1 fighter at K-1 International's homepage, and Park Chan-ho was voted the best pitcher of the modern era in Major League Baseball. Korea's the best!"

To avoid having his comment board flooded with 48 million "Go home yankee bastard f*cking USA" comments in English, Konglish, and Korean, Dokdo Is Ours can only report, 48 million netizens can't be wrong.

Hail Park Jisung, better than Pele; hail Park Chan-ho, better than Roger Clemens; hail Rain, better than Stephen Colbert.

Dahanminguk. Clapclap, clapclap, clap.

It is my Pride and Honor To Work for the Classiest Journalism Source in All Asia

HT to Korea Beat

by Mun Chang-ryeong
Truly, it is my honor to work for the photo corps of the illustrious Chosun Ilbo.
Not only are they the only objective, impartial news source in Asia, with thorough coverage and unbiased reports on everything from the glorious president Lee Myung-bak to the filthy communist Union Leaders, the photo section remains, as always, a true bastion of great documentarian work.


Please observe my photo journalistic essay on female beach volleyball players. I gracefully catch their plight as they try to live under the conditions God gave them, struggling, striving to reach their goals in that infinitely human way.

Observe the tight, tight, steely...um...determination, of these competitive babes warriors.

Brushed with sand, in tight focus, truly, these women are an example we could all spend more time meditating upon. It is a credit to the Chosun Ilbo that they have chosen to expand their photo documentary efforts, to capture women participating in these all too human struggles for victory. See the grim determination in their faces.
Don't worry. Her face wasn't that great, anyway.

Oh my! Next time the Chosun will have to send two photographers...I seem to have forgotten to take a single picture of these players' faces. Here's one. Too *bad* that other player's firm and shapely *block* is almost in the way.

Yes, Chosun Ilbo continues to feature the best male photography corps I've ever seen, and it is a true honor to be part of their photo corps, exploring the world of bikini babes in the unbiased, clinical way only a male photographer could.
Truly worth celebrating! But only if you're hot, and wearing a bikini, and I have my camera.

Stay classy, Chosun Ilbo

Hagwon Owner Takes Special Action To Calm Hysterical Mothers' Swine Flu Fears

Chang Jeong-gwang, owner of a franchise in a well-known Hagwon chain, has taken special steps to calm mothers' fears that his foreign teachers will give swine flu to their children.

"Other Hagwons are asking their teachers to avoid Itaewon and Hongdae in Seoul, or to avoid consorting with other disease-ridden foreigners during their free time, or to put themselves under home quarantine, even if they haven't been in contact with anyone who's been out of country for months... however, my Hagwon recently sent a letter to all our foreign teachers asking them to take some special measures which will give us a competitive advantage, I believe, when mothers are trying to find the least disease-ridden native-English teachers to teach their children."

Asked to give some background, Mr. Chang surprised Dokdo Is Ours by claiming he was inspired by an online viral video:

"When I saw Tay Zonday move away from the mic to inhale during this brilliant performance full of deep, meaningful lyrics, I was inspired to require my teachers to refrain from exhaling while teaching their students."

Dokdo Is Ours shook his intrepid head. "Excuse me?"

"Well, when they exhale, dirty foreigners risk spreading disease to Koreans, no matter HOW much kimchi they eat. However, by asking my teachers to either stick their heads out the windows or the classroom door whenever they inhale, they will not infect any of our little precious sunbeams."

"Won't that make teaching difficult, as teachers must exhale when they talk?"

"The letter asks them to shout through closed classroom doors when they must speak to students."

"Are there any other requirements you've asked for?"

"Well, rather than just using alcohol-based disinfectants between classes, I've asked teachers to actually sanitize their hands by burning rubbing alcohol on their hands during each break between classes.

"It looks frightening at first, but it's not really harmful: alcohol burns very cool. Also, if teachers don't want to cooperate with the 'no exhaling' rule, I've added a new item to the dress code."

"This new, mandatory item will be required of all foreign teachers at my hagwon. These are great: they're way cheaper than biohazard suits!"
"No mothers will worry about sending their kids to my school."

"Are these requirements applicable to your Korean staff, too?"

"Of course not. They're Koreans: their affection for our students and their special DNA will prevent them from transmitting their diseases to other Koreans."

Chang has a few other requirements for his foreign teachers, and between the lot of them, he is confident that not a single student will be lost to swine flu, or to swine flu paranoia.

"All teachers will burn all their clothes and buy new ones, shave their heads, burn their passports, eat only Korean food."

And if they feel sick, will they be required to stay home?

"Of course not. This is Korea. You have to understand, this is a small school. We don't have extra staff to fill in. Please understand our country's working culture."

Dokdo Is Ours is happy to report that Hagwon teachers and event organizers are all pitching in to help control the diseased foreign teacher threat: in order to prevent the spread of the disease, under executive orders, the dirty orgy of immoral foreign disease sharing cesspool wallowing in mud like the neanderthals they are festival Boryeong Mud Festival has also been cancelled. Chris in SK reports.

Lee Myung-Bak Praises Kim Jong-Il's Nuclear Test for "Raising Korea's International Profile"

Beleaguered South Korean President Lee Myung-bak praised North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il for his successful nuclear test early this morning.
"My press agent told me that any news is good news, and really, it's thrilling to see Korea making headlines around the world."

After a several month dry spell with Korean news nowhere on the international radar, including Bo-A's failure to surpass Beyonce on US pop charts, President Lee had begun to worry that people had forgotten about Korea.

Fortunately, Kim Jong-il's bomb test is not only just the thing to get people talking about Korea: "It's a buzz-word again!" but this bomb's output was much, much higher than North Korea's previous nuclear test.

"Really, with such a big blast, we're predicting a new kind of 'North Korean Wave' where fear and anxiety over North Korea's next move will raise Korea's profile even further. With such brand exposure, it's a simple matter of managing the image a little to attract tourists and Foreign Direct Investment."

Asked whether he could provide more details, whether such an event fit into a strategy, President Lee deferred to his new minister of Tourism, Branding, and Self-congratulation, Chang Tae-pyong.

"While strategies are good for some countries that do not share Korea's illustrious history, like, for example, China, given the spectacular superiority of Korea's great nation, a few buzz-words and a bitchin' slogan will be enough for Korea to rise to recognition, and indeed, true greatness. Our ally in Korea's climb to true world leadership, Kim Jong-il, sees the importance of Korean branding, and name recognition: surely, great dividends will come to both dear sister-sparkling-states."

Kim Jong-il was not available for comment.

Korean Rum Diary Gives it a Go

By taking on a topic that is dear to Dokdo Is Ours' heart, and being funny as hell to boot, Korean Rum Diary wins DokdoIsOurs' first ever prestigious "Golden Fossilized K-Walrus Penis"(photo source)

Now go read his report on Scotland's recent entry in the race for whose claim on Dokdo is most specious. Dokdo Is Ours has heard rumblings from inside sources that Yemen is also thinking of entering the Dokdo sweepstakes, but that remains hearsay...for now.