Friday 26 February 2010

Olympics Rundown

Leading off:

A second island of approximately the same size as Jeju Island has appeared just east of Jeju, at exactly the same time as the final women's figure skating contestant failed to top Kim Yuna's score of 228.56. It is believed the entire Korean peninsula orgasmed with excitement when their hero, Kim Yuna, took the women's figure skating gold on Friday afternoon (Korea time).

Geologists are amazed at the development
. "I know I used to joke with my colleagues about several of the phallus-shaped peninsulas on the world map, but this has just blown us all away," said Robert Pine, from the Asian institute of geology. "It's a totally new and unexpected mode of landform generation. We're now wondering which other islands around the world are actually a result of similar joygasms. For example, is Cuba actually a Floridagasm? It must have been a big one: Cuba is huge! What sort of exciting event, deep in the mists of pre-history, could have led to such a cataclysmic shudder of happiness? What about Sicily: that little dollop shape suddenly makes more sense, next to the phallus of Italian geography... yet again, we're left wondering what kind of event could have caused the entire Italian peninsula to blow such a great, joyous load."


Much to the disappointment of Korean speed-skating fans, Jim Hewish remains alive. After he disqualified South Korea's women's 3000 meter relay team for crowding a Chinese skater, Korean netizens engineered an experiment late on Thursday night. One commenter, "OhnoSux2002" suggested, in the aftermath of the Korean heartbreak, that if all Koreans across the nation spent one minute focusing on hating Jim Hewish, the negative energy would probably be enough to cause him to be smitten by God. Unfortunately, Hewish seems alive and well. No aneurysm paralysed his brain at 9:15 last night (Korea time), no asteroid smote him from orbit, no train redirected its tracks through his home and plastered him across a mile of railway. OhnoSux2002 is bitterly disappointed. "I've published his home address and had friends leave flaming bags of dog poop on his front step, I've sent him forty-thousand, three-hundred and nine e-mails personally, and I've threatened the life and livelihood of every person in his local phone book, except the Koreans, but the man keeps going, unperturbed."
It was suspected that the reason Hewish was not struck down by Dangun's Thunder, or his great garlic clove of vengeance, is because somewhere on the peninsula, one Korean did not participate in the minute of concerted hate. DokdoIsOurs managed to find that one person, who wishes to remain anonymous. "I tried, but after thirty seconds, I saw something shiny," the three-year old explained. "I was mad, but you know, it was shiny. And pink, too."

Third story:

In somewhat gory, yet not really unexpected news, Kim Yuna has dismembered every other female figure skater. After interviews for the media about her world record performance, Yuna headed into the women's change room with a look in her eyes, and wedged the door shut. Members of the media listened in horror at the screams and slicing sounds coming out of the change room, and then watched as blood oozed out from under the change room door. When Yuna left the room again in street clothes, she smiled cutely at the cameras, and wiped a bit of dark fluid from the corner of her lips. Her belly was a little distended under her track suit.

Those who ventured into the change room discovered the bodies of all Yuna's former rivals, massacred in surgically clean, effortless strokes by a skate blade, each with her heart carefully and precisely cut out of her chest. It is believed Yuna ate her rivals' hearts in a ritualistic fashion, after destroying them completely on the ice.

When asked about what transpired in the change room, Yuna giggled and made "v" signs with her fingers. "I didn't feel like my victory was quite complete, simply collecting the gold medal and setting world records in both the short and long skate. I really needed a little something extra to top it off. At first I was thinking a banana sundae would do, but then I realized that drinking the tears, eating the hearts, and ritually cutting the other skaters was the only way to be emphatic enough in demonstrating my complete dominance of the women's figure skating world."
While representatives from most countries were shocked and appalled at Yuna's victory rites, the Korean ambassador to Canada commented, "Bitch got the moves. Who's gonna stop her?" while media members and skating officials nearby silently nodded assent, but dared to say nothing, lest they be the next to incur the vengeance of Yuna.

Monday 22 February 2010

Short Korean Men Live in Terror after Luger's Death in Vancouver

After the death of Georgian Luger Nodar Kumaritashvili at the beginning of the Vancouver Olympics, short Korean men across the nation have been staying in, acting skittish, and looking over their shoulders everywhere they go.

Why the seemingly paranoid behavior? "After that Misuda episode, all of us guys under 180 centimeters tall are worried that we might be the next luger to go," 158 cm. tall Chan Won-gyu explained.

While offensive, this in itself was not enough to make Korea's under-height men fear for their lives; however, before the Vancouver games, the death of another of their kind - the late Nodar Kumaritashvili - has set them all to worrying for their lives. "Nobody's quite sure if his death was a consequence of his condition of being a luger - and if it was, any of us might be next." Chang Won-gyu is taking no risks. He's been taking the stairs instead of the elevator, and avoiding PC rooms, and other dark, yet busy areas where he might get singled out by a crowd. "It's been hard staying away from the whoring districts, but a man's gotta do what he needs to stay alive," Chang said, shrugging.

"Meanwhile, there are enough stereotypes about lugers already... I hope they don't think all of us lugers are like these two guys."

While for Chang, it's a simple equation: short men should watch their backs - he is confused about one thing. "How did luging become a sport? I mean, does the shortest guy win the gold medal? And is the winner just the biggest luger of them all? Winter sports are confusing. Go YUNA!"

Monday 15 February 2010

Apolo Anton Ohno Discovered To Be Illegally Tutoring Korean Children

"Just look at that f&#king guy" - Yonhap News
 iPhone - SmartPhone images · Celebrities   Apolo Ohno
Apolo Anton Ohno, the much-reviled (in Korea) American short-track speed skater, has won silver medal in the men's 1500 meter race. Ohno is unique in the sports world for several reasons.

First, a survey discovered that there are more Koreans who hate Apolo Ohno than there are humans on the entire planet who can name three or more short-track speed skaters. Ohno is the first athlete in history for whom the hate directed toward him actually outweighs the world sum of knowledge about his sport.

Ohno credits the obscurity of his sport: "It's not that well known, though there ARE a lot of medals in it at the Olympics," but others suggest that the main reason for this unique statistic is Ohno's overwhelming douchery.

"Just look at that f$*@ing chin-beard," said Korean president Lee Myung-bak, when asked about Ohno's success.

While he is most hated in Korea for allegedly stealing the gold medal from Korean skaters in the 2002 Olympics, investigative reporters have recently uncovered, and reported extensively, on other reasons to hate his soul-patchiness. Paparazzi recently photographed Ohno in a cafe in Koreatown LA, giving English conversation lessons to a Korean university student. The IRS reported that he had not registered those lessons: he was tutoring illegally. It seems he also meets a group of elementary-age Korean-immigrants to play scrabble or chat twice a week.

Other crimes they have accused Ohno of: having a stupid soul-patch, driving a Honda, having a Sony flatscreen, calling his half-Korean ex-girlfriend "crazy", thinking kimchi for breakfast is "weird", having a stupid soul-patch, being a non-Korean multiple Olympic medal-winner, not knowing Park Ji-sung, laughing at Team America: World Police a little too much, being better-looking that all Korean olympians except Kim-Yuna, asking Kim Yuna if she was from North or South Korea, and seriously, that f*#&ing soul patch.

Also, at the post-race press conference, Ohno pulled down his skating suit pants, and revealed that he was wearing Korean flag underwear with a taeguki right over his butthole, at which point he ripped a loud fart. He then, gloated, "I'm miles better than all those crappy Korean skaters from that crappy country South Korea, full of crappy people and crappy food and crappy crap. Then he asked if any Korean journalists were in the press room, and insulted them with the thumb/forefinger gesture, told them Kimchi sucks, punched a Korean baby, ripped up photos of Admiral Lee Sunshin, Lee Young-ae, and Kim Dae-jung, cut a janggeum open with a knife, and shouted, "Takeshima belongs to Japan".

Wednesday 3 February 2010

Mailbag: Ask An Insecure Kyopo Who Can't Speak The Language, Posing As Food Ambassador To Feel Like A Korea Expert

(another actual letter from reader this time: we are so excite!)

Dokdo Is Ours is happy to introduce another expert to the ranks of our advice columnists; as always, Dokdo Is Ours will always be happy to accept your letters requesting advice from any of our stable of advisors. It is time now for:

Ask An Insecure Gyopo Who Can't Speak The Language Well Who Seeks Relative Cultural Credibility by Repeatedly Playing Food Ambassador To Foreigner Friends At Cheap 고기집s:

Hello everyone. It is I, Insecure Gyopo Who Can't Speak The Language Well Who Seeks Relative Cultural Credibility by Repeatedly Playing Food Ambassador To Foreigner Friends At Cheap 고기집s. First of all, please don't be intimidated by the authentic Korean I use in my pen name: there's nothing to be nervous about. It's just the hangeul for "Barbeque Restaurant" -- literally, "Meat House" 고기 (gogi) meaning meat, and 집 (jip) meaning house. I use a little Korean here and there in my conversation and writing, because, you know, I'm Korean. But I grew up in America: that's why I write English well. It is a quite a debut I have for you today, with four questions for you, all on a related topic. I do that sometimes, because Koreans are indirect. That's how we think. So here we go.

Question 1. Oh my god this marinated beef is so good, what's it called again?

Yes, I'm fond of it too. It's called 불고기 which is pronounced, "bool-go-gi" - it means fire (that's bul) meat (gogi). As you can see, one strength of Korean language is its functionality. It simply names the food exactly what it is. That's why it's easy to learn. I have to study Korean harder. My grandmother spoke it to me, but we went to America when I was two. However, the lettering system is very simple. Here. Let me write your name in Korean. See? David, here's your name: 대이비드 and here's yours, Joanne: 조앤 isn't that great? You can keep the napkin. It's yours.

Question 2. Would you please explain this fascinating business about the proper way to pour alcohol?

A-ha. As you can see, Korean culture is very complex. I think that's why my Uncle never talks to me. He doesn't speak English, and I can only speak a little Korean. God I should study Korean more. But he taught me this before I used the wrong verb ending with him, and accidentally called him "Maternal Aunt who is Wife of my Mother's Younger Brother" instead of "Paternal Uncle Who is Older Brother to my Father" - boy, was my face red. You see, to show proper respect, you have to lift your glass with two hands, or put your left hand under your right forearm like this. Then, tip the glass, tilting your wrist toward the inside - never the outside. Also, it's important to never refill a glass until it's empty. That's the other thing I did wrong to my uncle. That's about as bad as calling your American uncle ... well... something really insulting. Do you like soju? It's like, my favorite drink, even though I drank beer all through university... but that must be because I'm Korean. Loving soju must just be in my 피 OOPS! Did I say 피 instead of blood? I must have unconsciously replaced the English word with the Korean one. Silly me!

Question 3: I enjoy that which appears witty and ironic; would you happen to know where I could purchase a t-shirt that reads "foreigner" in Korean?

Sorry, I wouldn't know about that. I'm not a foreigner, you see.

Question 4: Dude you know about Club Night, right?

Yes, yes, I used to go to club night in my first year. Not any more: too many foreigners, and these days it's all so stylish. I swear it's not because I got older and the university girls won't dance with me anymore. Hongdae, which used to be known as a hub of underground and hipster music, is also home to Yonsei university, one of Korea's SKY universities... you know what SKY stands for, right? Shinchon also has an old historical train station that's been replaced by a (wrinkle nose in disgust) shopping center. I hate that REAL Korea is being replaced with all these shopping centers and IMAX theaters. I wish I could remember the Korea of my childhood more clearly. God I have to study Korean more. Hey, put another piece of meat on the barbeque: I'm still 배고파 OOPS! I used the Korean for hungry instead of English! I did it again! Please forgive me.