Tuesday 30 March 2010

Apple Formally Asked To Help Korea Remain Out of Step With World Norms

In order to maintain Korea's internet status as a "walled garden," the Korea Communications Commission has formally requested Apple Inc. to include Naver as a search engine default option for the new, wildly popular iPhones.

"While it eventually became impossible to keep iPhones out of Korea, we have been doing our best to keep Korea's internet a strange, isolated backwater of the internet," said Jung Sung-hoon, from the Korea Communications Commission, "however, with this huge influx of imperial aggression foreign technology, we have had to work harder to remain a bastion of bad design, inefficient programming, and outdated protocols. It's true that our Games Ratings Board might be successful in blocking Android phones' game applications, and if we can legislate and execute that ban clumsily enough, we might be able to succeed in blocking all android apps from Korea, other than those designed by LG, Samsung, Naver and Daum. Frankly, we're pretty proud of that little bit of 'gamesmanship.' However, in order to avoid having Koreans rebel against Korea's byzantine internet experience, we're going to need Apple inc. to work with us to make the iPhone more closely resemble Korea's internet."

Toward that end, future iPhones will have several new un-removable, default features. One is a program that arbitrarily flashes a pop-up window declaring that the iPhone needs to download a new security package, or controller, which will freeze or reset the phone when it is nearly complete, and restart the process. While it's downloading, the phone will run at 10% normal speed. "It's not actually downloading anything: we just do that to remind customers of the file clusters Korean websites often require them to download."

The iPhone web browser will occasionally crash, or announce that some foreign websites no longer work with IE6 (even though iPhones actually run Safari), in order to encourage Korean users to remain on Korean websites.

"We're also working on ways to create pop-ups large enough to read on the iPhone screen, but still with complex enough flashing, moving graphics to slow down the phone's processor and run down its battery, either through trying to display said popups, or through trying to block them."

Another program that will be found on all new Korean iPhones is a "security backdoor" - while the iPhone is more secure than Korean banking sites, because it uses browser and security technology invented more recently than 1997, a security loophole will be intentionally added, in order for the iPhone experience to perfectly simulate the ordinary daily experience of working on the internet. "About twice a month, all the information stored on your i-phone will be randomly sent to one of several Chinese information gathering firms, including keystroke records, saved passwords, common search terms and browsing histories."

And how will Korean consumers react when the iPhone rolls out these new features?

"We're more worried about how they'll react if we DON'T embed these programs on new iPhones: we might actually be forced to bring Korea's internet into step with world norms!"

Saturday 27 March 2010

New Foreign Prison To Include More Amenities, Photographers

A group of foreigners dresses in the traditional Confucian students' hanbok, and takes lessons in ink painting and polite bowing. Later, they will perform kimjang, and make Korean side-dish kimchi, and memorize the names of all Korea's Unesco World Heritage sites. During every step of this process, Joongang Daily and Chosun Ilbo photographers will have access to the lessons, and will be uploading the photos to their mother newspapers, as well as providing images to the KTO and other tourist agencies within Korea. These photos (that is, the ones involving good-looking, pale-skinned prisoners) will be used on tourism posters and for other promotional purposes.

While others have criticized the Cheonan, South Chungcheong foreigner's prison for having more amenities than other Korean prisons, most of them do not understand the secondary purpose of this facility: getting more photos of foreigners doing Korean stuff. "I'm not saying the prison was specially designated a foreigner's prison, and equipped with these amenities especially BECAUSE of the opportunity to photograph foreigners doing Korean stuff... but it's certainly a convenient dovetailing of interests between the police and tourism arms of the government."

Such cooperation between government agencies is not unprecedented, nor will it be the last case of inter-agency cooperation: the former Ministry of Gender Equality is one model ministry for their ability to adapt and work with other department.

"Originally we had a ministry of our own," said Yu-mi Hoon, former government minister, "but since then we've been combined with the Ministry of Unification - a pair of agencies Lee Myung-bak sometimes refers to as 'The Useless Lefty Nork Deadweight Combo Ministry'" Further intra-ministry cooperation may be a necessity for the former Ministry of Gender Equality.

"President Lee seems to be planning on combining us with the Ministry of Culture, Sports and Tourism now, as he's only been keeping the ministry open for the sake of branding and appearances so far anyway, he figures he can streamline the lip service and token gesture departments of government by combining them into one ministry, call the "Ministry of Economic Equality, Women's Rights, Unification, Promises of Education and Labor Reform, Social Welfare and International Business and Foreign Company Antitrust and Fairness Ministry of Branding and Promotion"

While such a combination would make Korea a world hub of government ministry convergence, for now, Warden Lim Chung-hoon, at Cheonan Foreigners' Prison, discusses the potential of this foreign prisoner photography program.

"After we've gotten enough pictures of male foreign prisoners making kimchi, playing janggu drums, painting with ink, bowing, wearing hanbok, and possibly even going on trips to various cultural festivals, there are talks about opening a similar prison for female foreigners, if we can arrest enough attractive, pale-skinned foreign females. I don't want to give too much away, but if photographers have full access to the women's foreign prison, there's even talk of making their official prison uniforms bikinis, if we have enough blondes. The Chosun Ilbo photographers are lobbying hard for that, of course, because it would save them the effort of wandering around beaches and having to walk past so many Korean females before finding foreign females to ogle and photograph."

Tuesday 23 March 2010

Caught Looking at Girly Pictures in the Korea Times Staffroom?

No problem! Just turn them into news stories.

From the international correspondent: all the worldwide news we need to read... now prioritized!
Searching "Katherine Heigl nip slip" becomes "Heigl Suffers Wardrobe Malfunction"

"Penelope Cruz breasts" (or possibly "Keira Knightley breasts," or possibly "Penelope Cruz Keira Knightley Girl on Girl") becomes "Real Breasts"

"Dirty teen sext images" becomes "Sexting Punishment"

"Sexy young angelina jolie teen" becomes... exactly that.


"US Passes Monumental Healthcare Bill" becomes... "Foreign Sex Criminals Banned from Entering Korea"

And that's all since Sunday.

coming up next week:

"Terrorist Attack Kills Hundreds in Southeast Asia" becomes "Top Five Starlets We're Hoping Will Have a Wardrobe Malfunction"

"Tenement Fire in Gyeongsan-do Kills Dozens Of Migrant Workers" becomes "Foreign English Teachers Make Our Middle Schools A Danger Zone"

"Korean Government Decries Low Quality of English Language Reporting on Korea" becomes "Have You Seen What I Have To Work With?"

"LMB Urges Korean Law and Society to Embrace A More Diverse Population" becomes "Interracial Dating A Growing Concern for Many Korean Parents"

Monday 22 March 2010

New Robot Teacher Bringing Their Robot Culture into Korean Classrooms

Hi. I'm Chung Moon Jung. I'm an English teacher in a town near Busan, and for two years now, I have been working side by side with a Robot English teacher. While everybody in Korea wants a good education for their children, and English skill is crucial to achieving the universal dream of a good education for children, I am sorry to say I have been completely disillusioned with the Robot Teachers brought (at great cost) into Korea by the education board.

While it seems like a perfect solution to bring robots into our schools to teach English, in fact, they are anything but perfect teachers. First of all, whenever there is a dispute of methodology, the robot takes an arrogant attitude toward Korean education methods, and automatically assumes its own methods are superior, simply because it is a robot, and comes from a factory, rather than growing up in Korea, like I did. If I challenge it on the cultural differences between the ways of teaching the children are accustomed to, and the methods it wants to introduce, it just huffs, “That’s just my programming,” and ignores the fact that the students are confused. This arrogance and ignorance of Korean culture shows itself in other ways, as well.

The students often find it cold and difficult to relate to: it lacks the basic affection and warmth for students that are essential for a good teaching relationship. For example, I am tender and intimate toward my students, and I know how to judiciously use the love stick in order to demonstrate my care for the students. I also know when to stop using the love stick, and to repair hurt feelings with my affection stick. But when a student was unruly in the robot’s class, it peeled his skin off like an overripe pear, without even a second warning!

The robot also has trouble getting along with the rest of the staff. It often seems aloof and unfriendly, even to the supervisor, and it never comes out to staff dinners with us, denying us the barest opportunity to get to know it. It has never made even the barest effort to ask about Korean culture or language, displays ignorance or disinterest in Korean food and history. It insists that we speak its own language, even though it is very difficult for most teachers on staff to understand how to properly install Active-X controls, much less communicate in 1’s and 0’s. When it is dissatisfied with its living space - the closet where we lock it over night - it stops working completely, and refuses to perform even basic duties. This seems to be its passive aggressive way of insisting we fix the water leak in that closet, but it is insensitive to the Korean communication style of asking indirectly for service and repairs to its free housing, along the proper Korean channels.

Worst of all, the robot seems to be bringing its robot culture into the Korean classroom: rather than sticking to its subject, the robot seems to take the classroom time as an opportunity to indoctrinate the students in robot culture, in order to make the students think and behave like it. I have noticed the students holding up blue cards when they do not understand my instructions, the way the robot does, and moving stiffly and in unison.

When the students are emotional and speak with that charming Korean up and down intonation, rather than respecting their human and Korean features, it always responds in flat monotones, until the students also behave like robots.

Worst of all, the students have been behaving in logical, calculating ways, considering options and choosing the one with the most likely positive results, rather than doing things the Korean ways that we have been doing for thousands of years: when I made Jong-seung stand in a stress position for two hours, rather than bowing his head and scraping to my authority as teacher, his parents filed a complaint to the Board of Education’s discipline advisory board, and I am now under investigation, all because this robot has been teaching students to reject Korean ways and Korean culture, and embrace strange, foreign, robotic, logical ways.

While it is true that every parent dreams of having children who speak English well, there must be a better way than bringing these abominable robots into the classroom!

Friday 19 March 2010

Brian Orser to be Honorary Seoul Citizen; also "Anyone Else We Can Take"

In order for Korea to take more of the credit for Kim Yu-na's record-breaking gold medal performance at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, Seoul has invited Brian Orser to be an Honorary Citizen of Seoul. Orser will join other people like soccer coach Guus Hiddink and football star Heinz Ward. (Seoul City later discovered his name is spelled Hines, but it's already in the register as Heinz.)

"Seoul regularly finds people who have achieved impressive things, and hitches its wagon to their stars, hopefully to increase the city's international profile," explains Mr. Cho. This is why we have been coming up "___ of Korea" names for all of Korea's landmarks, people, and sites, for example Seoul Forest is Seoul's Central Park, Yeouido is Seoul's Manhattan, Apgujeong is Korea's Beverley Hills, Jeju Island is Korea's Hawaii, Rain is Korea's Justin Timberlake, and Bae Yong-joon is Korea's Julia Roberts. Also, Gyungbokgung will soon be known as Korea's Forbidden Kingdom, tallest mountain Hallasan will be known as Korea's Everest, and Lee Chan is Korea's James Brown."

"We have decided to name Brian Orser an honorary citizen of Seoul so that we can pretend that Yuna Kim was trained by a Korean, by reminding anybody who mentions that Yuna needed a Canadian trainer, that Orser is also a Korean citizen. This way, Korea can take maximum credit for Yuna's success, and we can share as little credit as possible with barbarians."

Other celebrities being considered for honorary Seoul citizenship include athletes Peyton Manning, Lionel Messi, Pele, Michael Phelps, Tiger Woods and Christiano Ronaldo, entertainers Meryl Streep, Jack Nicholson, Mick Jagger, Jeshica Gomeju, and Beyonce, entrepreneurs Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Warren Buffet, world leaders Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth II, and even fictional characters Jean Valjean, Harry Potter and Gandalf. "Really," says Cho, "anyone you can think of. We've even made a few deceased people Seoul Citizens, including Leonardo DaVinci, and, to strengthen Korea's claim to having invented the printing press, Johannes Gutenberg, as well as William Shakespeare, in hopes that it will help Koreans improve their English."

The register of Seoul citizenry seems to settle a few ancient disputes, as well: "Dokdo has been a citizen of Seoul for longer than even the oldest Japanese claim to the island... in fact, the first thing Dangun did after he was born, even before inventing the wheel, was to make Dokdo an official citizen of Seoul. It's there in the register, right before Baekdu Mountain and Jesus."

Wednesday 10 March 2010

It's Korean Rhetoric Week at Dokdo Is Ours

Here's the game, inspired by this post:

In the comments, write:

a Korea-related topic
two totally un-related topics (at least one should not be related to Korea at all)
four random four-syllable words

And I'll write a Joongang Daily Editorial about the best/funniest one.

Wednesday 3 March 2010

Determined to be The Best Blog in Korea

Seriously, readers? Not even on the ballot? Where are my die-hards?

Well fine. Since what I've been doing here doesn't seem to be what wins these kinds of accolades, here you are readers. It's time for a makeover. Note the new blog title, and the new tone.

So I woke up this morning hung over like a bag of smashed assholes. That fucking strawberry truck was barking his noisy bullshit over the goddamn bullhorn again and I wondered why I still live here. Maybe a revelation was coming that I hate this land of cunts and asshole-lickers and I was time for me to leave, but ill never know because my ugly harpy of a wife was braying in my ear.

"You da stupid man! Why you late? You gonna no breakfas now"

I told my wife I didn't want her goddamn seaweed rice and rancid cabbage breakfast anyway and left the house while she was still making up new swear words to insult me with.

Bet Joe Jenkimchi does the same thing, but that uncle-tom doesn't write about it on his blog. He's so far up Korea's ass that if Korea's asshole was Busan, he'd be in Daejeon. Except Korea's asshole is Seoul, in the neighborhood where I live. I know because every time I leave the house I can smell the shit.

I hate the moderators at Dave's ESL cafe. They suck.

I drank more gook juice at lunch today. My coworkers were with me, so it was OK. I taught them to say cum-guzzler, and told them it was a very high compliment. That'll be funny when they meet an international client.

"Excujuh me. Yoo ah ah cum geojjulleo"
"What did you say?"
"You guzzling deo cum ebery day"
"Are you insinuating..."
"Take a chill pill modeopuckeo" (I taught them that too)

Work sucked as usual, but my boss is a fat cunt so I don't feel bad about playing solitaire at my desk, and in the office bathroom, every day.

Then at night I met Sketchy, an old Pikey cunt I met at Seoul Pub. He's a glorious asshole, too. He got banned from Dave's ESL Cafe on the first day he left a comment. Dave's moderators are cunts. Sketchy and I were walking at night, carrying pitchers of hite and being loud and getting stared at by all the gook toads around us when we saw a toad princess in high heels and a skirt. She was doing something that is normal for Koreans to do, but different than things I used to do back home, so I shouted at her and called her a stupid cunt toad. Why doesn't she act like people do back home, where people have sense? But women back home are all fat ugly bitches. And especially western girls in Korea. They're dumb. I hate them. It's all them, and nothing to do with me.

Anyway, the toad princess looked nervous to see us (Sketchy's a huge cocksucker: used to play rugby) so we followed her down the street for kicks. She acted all worried, and started talking urgently on the phone, so I shouted "Show us your tits!" -- which was an old inside joke between me and Sketchy, the glorious cunt. It slew Sketchy, that old bastard. He was howling with laughter.

After following the toad princess for a few blocks, and shouting "Show us your tits" again and again, to crack each other up, some Korean guys came up to the girl from down the street, and she pointed at us. They looked like they were going to come over and talk to (that is, get beat up by) us, but Sketchy had nearly been deported once for getting in a fight with a few Koreans and accidentally shoving one of those scrawny toad policemen, so we left.

I got home plastered and the toad wife was mad. The kids were already in bed, and she said my half-toad son called her a cunt at dinner. He probably learned it from school. She wouldn't let me sleep in the bed, but the couch is OK with me. I masturbated on the bathroom floor and didn't clean it up, so that she'd have to scrape up my dried cum when she cleaned the bathroom. That'll show her.

Or at least pay attention to me. 10 Magazine sucks and they're trying to censor me. Zenkimchi sucks. Seoul Eats sucks. Chris in SK sucks. If any of them pays attention to me I'll say they suck more. Brian in Jeollanamdo sucks. Marmot sucks. Grand Narrative sucks. Hermit Hideaways sucks. Eat Your Kimchi Sucks! The Korean Law Blog sucks. Jason in Korea sucks. Come on guys! Get mad at me!


Seriously? Are you fucking serious? And I'm not even on the nominee list?

Now if you don't vote me as Korea's best blog, I'll never forgive you.