Sunday 26 April 2009

Korea to change spelling of Instant Coffee to acknowledge Korea's Unique Food Culture

Chang Tae-Pyong has unveiled another step in his plan to bring Korean food to the world:

In order to rebrand Korean coffee and increase recognition of this unique Korean drink, we have decided it is time to differentiate our unique five-thousand year old drink from other drinks worldwide. From now on, we will not spell it "Instant Coffee" but "Insutanteu Coppee" to show the unique Koreanness of what was once called "Instant Coffee".

We think it is time to establish this unique brand of Korean coffee: it is sweeter than other countries' coffee, and convenient, because it is instant, reflecting modern Korea's quick economic development, and showing Korea's ancient culture of speedy, low-quality work. It is only through efforts like this that Korea will truly enter the world stage.

In order to establish brand prestige, Korean Instanteu Coppee will also be re-priced, from about fifty won per straw of instant coffee powder, to four thousand won per straw of Insutanteu Coppee.

"If Starbucks is only thirty years old, and they can charge 4000 won for a cup of coffee, our five thousand year old recipe is certainly worth more than that."

Asked whether there had been much interest in the newly priced, newly re-spelled Insutanteu Coppee, Mr. Chang shifted in his seat.

"The world will come around once they realize they are wrong. We cannot change our five-thousand year recipe just for them. They need to understand our culture. If necessary, we will correct their wrong opinion of Korean Insutanteu Coppee."

Dokdo Is Ours reporting.

Thursday 23 April 2009

During Economic Downturn, Salarymen Downgrade From Golfing To Practicing Golf Swing on Subway Platforms

While street food stands have been feeling the pinch of the latest economic downturn, responding with raised prices or all-out closures, while seniors have discovered inflation of their own, with new recycling rates of ten won for three, instead of two milk cartons they collect on their carts, even middle-managers and some executives in Korea have experienced a diminished quality of life during these hard times.

"It's just sad," division manager Kim Hansong said in a recent interview, "I used to go golfing about monthly with the CEO at his country club; once we even went golf-whoring in the Phillipines together, and let me tell you, twenty four holes in twenty four hours ain't an easy bet to win... but these days, I haven't been to a country club in about eight months."

"So how," Dokdo Is Ours asked, "Do you continue feeling superior to your employees and workers, when you are no longer golfing with the boss to assert your higher rank?"

"Well, in the absence of actual trips to the country club, I've discovered that just by practicing my golf swing on the subway platform, I can let people know I'm better than them."

"The subway platform?"

"They don't need to know I used to have a company car," Kim huffed. "For all they know, I'm one of those environmental guys. Everybody likes those environmental guys," Kim said, making quotations with his fingers.

"And do you think these practice golf swings does an adequate job of keeping your subordinates in place?"

"It helps me feel better than strangers on the subway AND subordinates at the office. Of course, I also do other things at the office to make sure people know I'm the boss: for example, I throw coffee at the secretaries, and refuse to promote them ahead of the men in the department -- haha -- even though two of them have Ph.D's! I also steal people's ideas and take the credit, and stifle the most ambitious, creative ones with soul-draining menial work... but the golf swings help, too. Sometimes I do them at the water cooler as well."

"I use umbrellas on rainy days -- those are especially good -- but in a pinch, even a rolled-up newspaper will do as a stand-in for a real golf club." Then, as a reflection of the deep suffering the world economic crisis has caused, Kim's eyes seemed to mist over. "I just look forward to the day," he said, brushing his tear duct, "when I can go back to mistreating country club employees, instead of just my own employees. I may have to sexually harass one of my female Ph.D. secretaries to feel better about it all," he said. "Should I threaten to fire her, force her to drink soju, or grab her ass? Maybe all three? What do you say?"

Dokdo Is Ours declined to answer.

Indeed, the world economic downturn has had unexpected results in many poignant places, and the case of Kim Hansong is just one story among the thousands of people being forced to do without the things that once made their lives more enjoyable.

Dokdo Is Ours, reporting.

Thursday 16 April 2009

What your Korea Blog Sidebar Links Say About You:

Korea Times/Korea Herald: I want my blog to seem authoritative, but I don't know how.
Chosun Ilbo online: I like photos of T'n'A
OhMyNews: I don't know what journalism is. And I'm a commie.
Korean Class 101: I like to pretend I study Korean online.

Party Pooper: I am forgiving of infrequent updates
Frog In A Well: Very forgiving.
Annti Leppanen: No, seriously, really, extremely, VERY forgiving.

Marmot's Hole: Nothing. Everybody has Marmot's Hole. It's the "X is for Xylophone" of the K-blogs.
Brian in Jeollanamdo: Almost nothing, but more current: everybody has Brian on their sidebar.

Dave's ESL Cafe: I don't read blogs.

Roboseyo: Forced smiles are amusing to me, or I enjoy blogs that are thinly-veiled applications to write for the Korean Tourism Organization

All K-Pop: moral outrage helps my K-pop kid-porn go down easier.
Popseoul: either I prefer my K-pop updates with cattiness, or I also have a huge crush on Big Bang, and think the Wondergirls are fat hoes.
Dramabeans: I don't mind that everybody gets cancer

Seoulpodcast: apparently, I hate Korea. Or I love it too much. And like talking about myself. Guest? What guest?
Zenkimchi Food Journal: I forgive Joe for being busy with so many other things that he can't update the food journal very often.

Dokdo Is Ours: I have impeccable taste in K-blogs, and am probably good in the sack, too.

Korean Law Blog: I'm such a fan of the Marmot's Hole it's a bit unwholesome.

Kushibo: I think there's no such thing as too many posts per day'
Japundit: Even more so

Occidentalism: I am addicted to Dokdo ranting

The Grand Narrative: Either I am smart, or I want to look smart. The K-blog sidebar equivalent of having a leatherbound edition of Shakespeare on your shelf.

ROK Drop: I like awesome blogs: second only to Dokdo Is Ours as an indicator of excellent blog taste.

Eat Your Kimchi
: My K-blog list is current. Or, I'm new in Korea.

Big White Barbie Does Busan: either 1. I like my slices of life as trivial as possible, or 2. I'm too lazy to carefully read blogs before I include them to add regional diversity.
Kiwi Andong Blogger: either see 2. above, or I like redheads.

Amanda Takes Off: I was looking for a token female blogger two years ago.
Chubbo Chubbington: I was looking for a token female blogger six months ago.
Our Girl in Daegu: Thought I'd kill two token-birds with one stone, and link a female from outside of Seoul. Sweet!
Nightmare Believer: I'm not brave enough to write a truly offensive blog myself, so I'll link one in solidarity

Quest For Cuteness: I have kids and/or like pictures of housepets.

Ask A Korean: The What White People Like of the Korea Blogosphere: everbody links it, everybody says they like it, everybody skims the latest posts once a month, and that's it.

On My Way to Korea: I'm waiting for him to get here and hate it.

Scribblings of the Metropolitician and King Baeksu: I put them next to each other on the sidebar to see if a fight will somehow break out on my blog. In fact, by forcing them to share a line, I expect some fireworks here on this blog.

Hub of Sparkle: I got nominated for a golden Klog award, and didn't want to be rude.

Seoul Eats: It doesn't bother me when a blog's content doesn't fit its name. LOL! Viral videos rock!!!11!

Nora Knows Nada: I don't know anything.

FeetmanSeoul: I'd link Asian Sirens, but this way I can look at legs without the guilt.

The Yangpa: I haven't updated my sidebar links in a looooong time.
Big Hominid's Hairy Chasms: in a REEEALLY long time.
Oranckay: I don't know how to delete a link from my sidebar.

Tucker in Korea: Tucker in Korea is a personal friend of mine.

None of the above: My K-blog is for my family.

Saturday 11 April 2009

Bass Ackwards

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Hub of Hot Adult Girls acting like Babies


Hub of Babies acting like Hot Adult Girls

I got nothin'

Friday 3 April 2009

Paternity Test Reveals Yuna Kim's Father is Jesus Christ Himself

(or so you'd think from all the hyperbole)

Dokdo Is Ours reports a startling, but then again, not too surprising revelation: blood tests have revealed that Kim Yuna, Korea's sweetheart and figure skating hero, is the daughter of none other than Jesus Christ himself.

The young lady, recently coronated "Queen Yuna" by her adoring fans, first drew suspicion one day, after skating practice, when all the other skaters had left the ice; Yuna bravely soldiered on, practicing to the limit of her endurance, until one of the rink managers stepped out onto the ice, and discovered it had melted completely: the charmed Yuna had been skating on water for about an hour. This was the first recorded miracle of Yuna, and certain clergy began to observe her surreptitiously, to look for more evidence of her deity.

After her startling world-record-setting win at the Four Continents' Championship, Father Chang Hoon-seo approached Yuna to request a small blood sample, to test the theory that she was indeed, of different stock than the rest of us.

Careful investigation followed, and in the end, after several weeks of exhaustively comparing Yuna's DNA with her father's, mother's, as well as a number of blind samples, the Catholic
Investigatory Committee, in cooperation with Seoul National University's Science Lab, conquered their doubts, lit some votive candles, and called a press conference.

"It is our holy pleasure to announce the coming of Yuna, not just as the Queen of Women's Figure Skating, but of all under earth and heaven, with this new revelation." Bishop Chang Yoon Dong proudly declared.

Once the news came out, this early family photo of Yuna Kim leaked to a Naver discussion board, removing all doubt for the faithful.

Yu In-chon, Korea's minister of Trade and Tourism, thought that the Korean star's divinity would not just make things difficult for her rivals, but would have a benefit for Korea at large.

"We think the eventual prostration of all the world before Yuna Kim as the Queen of the new heaven and earth will be very beneficial for Korea's brand," Mr. Yu crowed. "When the New Jerusalem comes down from heaven, all Koreans will certainly be proud to see Yuna skate over the Sea of Crystal and join her father Jesus, the Son of God, to rule for all eternity. We anticipate a sharp rise in tourism to Korea as pilgrimage trails to her birthplace in Bucheon and her home in Gunpo are carved into the city, lined with relic shops and Dokdo posters."

Until the return of Queen Yuna's father, and the establishment of the Kingdom of Heaven on earth, however, good Christians, and all worshippers of Queen Yuna are encouraged to air her skating performances as often as possible on all television stations, and watch them repeatedly, bring her up in conversation as often as possible, and boo Japanese skaters during competitions.

And as a public service announcement, skating fans and good religious folks everywhere, remember: flowers for Yuna, shoes for Asada!

Wednesday 1 April 2009

Upset By Expat Comment Boards, Dooly the Dokdo Dinosaur Ends His Life

Dooly, the lovable animated dinosaur well-known in Korean animation history, has tragically ended his life. During a twenty-year plus career on Korean television, after gaining thousands, maybe millions of fans, Dooly shocked children and adults alike with his suicide.

Dooly has a long history of supporting Korea's claim of the Dokdo Islands in Korea's East Sea, but apparently he has been hurt too deeply by the mean-spirited comments regarding Dokdo on expat blogs.

The Chosun Ilbo was quick to publish a photo slideshow of the suicide site, where Dooly ended his life by ingesting large quantities of seagull excrement and feathers, and announced it will be providing a live internet feed of the funeral, with black carpet commentary by popular Korean game show host Kang Ho Dong.

When asked for comments on the shocking turn, few netizens wanted to speak up, but Gerry Bevers claimed he was in close and frequent correspondence with Dooly, though he would not reveal what nature those correspondences took.

"I wrote him, oh, ten e-mails a day or so, you know, giving him advice on what he should do to support his Dokdo claim, and what he could do with his maps. I'm sure he'll be missed by his friends," Mr. Bevers said, "We disagreed about certain things, but I hope he read between the lines of my polemics and saw the warm affection I had for him."

A short suicide note named several major Korea blogs, and also several commenters well-known to those who move around the Korea blogs. Due to Korean privacy laws, names will be blanked out in Dokdo Is Ours' exclusive reprint of the suicide note's text.

"***** ****** your nasty comments cut me too deep, at ******'s H*** and also at ****'s *** C***. I saw no warm affection in them. Me spend too much time fighting for Dokdo, and ***** just say rude things. Me so sad. Me want end it all. Sorry kids. Don't try this at home."

Dooly's premature death leaves many Dokdo supporters in the lurch, upset and unsure who will lead Korea's Dokdo charge in Dooly's absence, and hopes are high that singer Kim Chang Hoon or poet Choi Yong Hearn would take up the mantle next.

The death of yet another popular Korean public figure has led to renewed calls for a real name commenting system to be enforced on the Korean internet, possibly even of foreign based websites.

Among the supporters of measures to limit negativity on Korea's blogs, both Korean and English blog hosts, was Maryland Scholar Jon Huer.

"Really, I don't think these low-brow, self-hating idiots with mental problems should be able to set the terms of the conversations. They're just poopy pants and ignorant bum heads, and I think they're dumb, but they're not the boss of me. So they should be sent to their rooms with a time out and no toys and they're doodee heads. MYAH! These guys just keep criticizing me and I don't know why. It must be because they're all idiots and sophomoric drug-addled low-moral-character bumholefaces. They should all be banned from the internet forever if they don't like my unique brand of witty, yet perceptive social commentary."

It remains to be seen whether the public outcry over yet another star suicide will lead to a change in Korea's internet laws, but even if they do, such changes will be too little, too late, to bring quietus to the bereaved fans of the lovable baby dinosaur Dooly.

Rest in Peace, Dooly.

Seoulpodcast's REAL new Format

Seoulpodcast has decided, due to a few complaints, as well as main host Joe McPherson's startling admiration for the new Korea Blog "A Long Time Ago When A Tiger Smoked A Cigarette...," to change the format of the SeoulPodcast into nothing more than recorded readings of that blog.

"Really, it took such a long time to edit everything with the old format, and think of stuff to say, and find guests...this new angle is going to save me time, and also my listeners. Plus, reading every single one of Hwarangi's posts, almost in their entirety on the podcast so far has been so much fun, I just thought, 'Why not focus all my energy into something I enjoy doing so much?'" said Joe McPherson, also known as Zenkimchi.

"The last few Seoulpodcasts I've read just about the entire post, whenever Hwarangi put something up...I'm not really changing much except taking out more of the filler."

When asked about blogger Joe's obssession with her blog, Hwarangi was a flattered, but still a bit taken aback. "Does this mean I have to post every week?" was her first question, followed by, "Hey maybe Joe's the white guy who's been going through my trash at six every morning. . . that explains a lot, in fact."

Joe Zenkimchi had nothing to say about the trash-rifling. "Going through her garbage? Why, that's crazy-talk! Why would I do that? How would it enrich my life to know that she uses Nivea hand-cream and her cellphone bill last month was 47560 won? That wouldn't do anything for me at all."

"So what's that in your hand?" Dokdo Is Ours asked, noticing Joe playing with something fuzzy and mousy-colored.
"Just a ball of hair I...found...somewhere. I like to run it between my fingers. Why?" Joe said, quickly hiding the hairball behind his back. "It smells good, too. Want to smell it?"

In other news, both Zenkimchi and Brian Deutsch are in a race to set the "posts-on-a-non-k-pop-Korea-blog-in-a-single-day" record.
Joe's entries today: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten
Brian's run at the record: One Two Three Four Five Six Seven

When asked about the amazing race, Korean poet Choi Yong Hearn had this to say:

"For several years now, Brian and Joe, Americans living in Korea, wrote
blog posts about Korea and other stuff too

for example travel

sometimes happy or upset, and then
on the first of April one year
their combined writing suddenly
increased suddenly

like an excited horse

overwhelming their readers with commentary
and comments about things
(the comments, not the things they commented about)

Read! Be entertained, readers!

You know that reading blogs is interesting
except when it is not. Then it is boring.
Try to ignore the ignorant comments
which deserve ignoring

and focus instead of the worthwhile dialogues

of blogs.
Oh type! Type your blogs,
prolific Joe and verbose Brian.


It has not yet been ascertained whether either will manage to top an average day at Kushibo's blog, "Monster Island".