Saturday 28 November 2009

Introducing The Great Gatsby Project

Dear Readers:

I have been inspired.

You see, between the LOLCATS Bible translating the bible into LOLCat speak, and Koreangov's new blog, which demonstrates the amazing skill of writing English that has obviously been translated from Korean, even when it actually hasn't, it is time to try a bit of our own, here at Dokdo Is Ours.

I would like to introduce to you "Deo Geureat Kechupi Ploject," a collaborative effort to translate F. Scott Fitzgerald's immortal classic "The Great Gatsby" into that charming dialect of English that comes of translating Korean into English. Badly.

However, seeing as I have a job and stuff, I can't do it all alone, so over at Deo Geureat Kechupi Ploject, you can claim a page of the book for your own, and try to write a funnier mis-translation than I can. Send an e-mail to dokdoisours at gmail dot com to claim a page: we're using pages as numbered in this version of the book, and watch as the entire book gets published in mistranslationese. I'll name the translator on each page (if they wish to be named), and here at DIO, we dare you to write a page of a classic novel, in a style funnier than KoreanGov's blog. We triple-dog-dare you. That's right, readers: you've enjoyed reading this blog for a while, and we're glad about that. But here's your chance to add to the joy that is satirizing Korea, by sending in your own page, and contributing to this great project.

At the end, if the response is good, we'll have an online vote for the funniest page of mistranslation, with possible prizes to be won, and lots of honor and glory to be had as well!

Stay tuned for page one, which yours truly has claimed.... if you want to join in the fun, send me an e-mail, and I'll give you a page number, or you can ask for your own, and if it hasn't been claimed already, it's yours.

So get in there!

Thursday 26 November 2009

In The Style Ask The Expat's Troll Would Prefer

A shrewd, and insightful anus-nymous writer over at Ask The Expat has graced us with a question as insightful as any aphorism in the Tao Te Ching.

From the golden pen, the glorious keyboard, of Analnymous, comes the questions:

"Why are you dick bloggers such arrogant dicks? No one cares what you dicks think."


As a blogger myself, this sage question has gotten me to thinking about how I blog, so it's time to introduce a non-arrogant dick blog, who writes exactly in the way anus-nymous purportedly wants.

I'll choose a typical topic, to get warmed up.

Hi there my obviously smarter than me even though I've never heard of you readers. The topic I would like to write about today, if it doesn't bother you all too much, and especially if it doesn't make me come across as an arrogant dick, I'd like to not be TOO wrong about Korea's test culture.

As you can see much better than I can, all you people who have been here longer, write better, are humbler, and smarter, have better grammar, and know more about Korea than I do, Korea's education, if I dare say, is different from you knew it in North America... I hope I haven't offended any of you by writing for the large number of my readers who ARE from North America, you specifically may not be.

Now, Korea has a test culture. While I don't know much about it, I do know that I am an ignoramus. Also, Koreans like tests. A lot of tests. Really, I'm nervous to say anything more than that, for fear that I reveal my stupidity. Honestly, I wish I weren't such an egomaniac, so focused on promoting my ideas. I swallow my words, and honestly, the main thing I want to do is just hand this blog over to anonymous people.

You see, as I think about it more, it is way, way more honorable to lurk silently online, to anonymously read the stuff another person works to write, and call it crap, and disparage the characters of those who write them. Really, they are so brave to not write anything of their own -- it must be taken as a sign of true honor that they value their words too highly to spread them meaninglessly on the internet. Frankly, the amount of disdain they pile on our blogs, despite the time and effort we put into them, only shows how much cooler they are than us: too cool even to have their own blog, where they talk about their own, way awesomer ideas than ours. Really, offering up real names and standing by those names is for saps. User IDs and recognizable identification is simply a cop-out for those of us too lame to remain nameless. I can't believe some bloggers don't allow anonymous commenters to comment on their blogs. How lame.

Anyway, I just wish I had people as smart as Anus-nymous, who is probably a ninja, calling me a dick on MY blog, because I could sure use the humbling experience. It would also save him the time of writing his own blog, if he just came and shat on the comment board of my blog. That would be great. I'd even feel cool by association just by having him put his smart stuff on my comment boards.

Monday 23 November 2009

Initial Brainstorming Session for "Scent of Korea in a Bottle"

After traveling to Korea and following his nose around, Francois Demachy, a Christian Dior perfumer, has announced his intention to create a fragrance evocative of Korea's unique landascape.

Here is the initial list of distinctive smells he jotted down in his notepad, before beginning the process of elimination, along with an X beside the smells he ruled out.

garlic X

Jeju Island oranges

stylish women wearing three brand-name fragrances at a time X

raw sewage from storm drains X

rapid industrialization (smells a bit like engine oil) X


destruction of wetlands X

soju hangover X

hobo fights in Tapgol Park X

sesame leaf X

makkeolli burps X

mountain rose (mugunghwa)

Louis Vuitton handbags X

Louis Vuitton fakes X


bbundaegi (silkworm larvae) X

national pride (smells like roasted peacock turds; as a Frenchman, it took him a while to identify) X

vomit on sidewalks X

garlic X

old men with soju and dried squid breath X

recycled side dishes X

dokdo (smells like seagull shit) X

garlic X

bulgogi farts X

the restauranteur who ripped him off X (one of the last to be eliminated)

garlic X

cherry blossoms

street food X


street vendors X

dwenjang jigae X

instant coffee


street people X

kids who believe washing their hair will make them fail the test X

kimchi farts X

car exhaust from assholes driving their mercedes' around just to be stared at X

do you know chunggyecheon?


Friday 20 November 2009

Transcript: How Lee Myung-bak Imagined His Lunch with Barack Obama Would Go

Balack Obamer: . . . so then I told the President of Japan, "If you call Dokdo 'Takashima' again, I'll nuke Hiroshima a second time, bitch! He cried like a war crime-victim and signed an apology in full to the comfort women including financial reparations, and signed over Dokdo to Korea... he even threw Tsushima-- that's Daemado now -- in for free, just because he felt bad.

LMB: Ah. Your anecdotes bore me, Mr. Obama. Please, let's talk about the Free Trade Agreement.

BO: Yes, yes. You know, my wife Michelle bought a Hyundai during our campaign, and we've been so impressed by its performance that we've decided to give Korea unfettered access to the American market, and to stop trying to export cars and phones to Korea: we understand that Korea is very small, and has many people, so it's very competitive, so there's no need to clutter the Korean market with inferior American cars. You won't have to worry about that anymore. We might close down GM entirely, or let KIA take it over.

LMB: I will only accept those terms if you insist that all computers in The United States reverts to Internet Explorer 6.

BO: Done! Oh dear lord! What is this fiery, spicy vegetable side dish? My mouth is burning like fire!

LMB: Aha! I was wondering when you were going to ask about that.

BO: Please! Don't keep me in suspense!

LMB: It's kimchi! Frankly speaking, it's Korea's signature dish!

BO: Ooh! What was that clever turn of phrase you just used?

LMB: Do you mean... frankly speaking?

BO: Yes! Yes! I really like that! I'll use that more often in my own daily conversations from now on. Please, can you tell me more about kimchi? How many different kinds of kimchi are there?

LMB: Well, there IS some debate on that point. Without factoring in regional variations and family recipes, there are at least a hundred types of kimchi.

BO: I want to try them all!

LMB: Let me finish.

BO: Sorry. My bad.

LMB: However, some estimate there to be as many as four or five hundred types of kimchi.

BO: That's amazing. You know, I bet other countries are constantly trying to pass off inferior imitations of kimchi as their own national dishes, but they're never fermented properly, or full of maggots, or mispronounced.

LMB: As a matter of fact, you're right about that.

BO: Say, you know what's funny? I was talking with the Presidents of China and Japan about franchise restaurants, and I could barely understand them when they said the word "McDonalds" -- yet when I spoke with you earlier, I could understand your pronunciation of the word on the very first try. What clever trick of the Korean language allows you to pronounce words in other languages so accurately?

LMB: Would you like to know?

BO: Oh, I do, I do!

LMB: Well, it started a long long time ago, with a man named Sejong...

(much, much later)

LMB: ... and Lee Sunshin killed more Japanese than any other Korean, and that's why he's our country's greatest hero.

BO: Amazing! After hearing that story, I plan on changing the Lincoln Memorial into a monument for Lee Sunshin.

LMB: No, no, Mr. Balack. you should keep the Lincoln Memorial as it is. Your little American people seem to like him.

BO: You know, I've been thinking of making Korean language a requirement in the American school curriculum. Do you have any more of that kimchi stuff?

(thanks to @koreangov for the idea; for more on the Obama-Lee Lee-Obama summit, see his/her brand-new blog)

Monday 16 November 2009

First Draft of Korea Times Article "Koreans 'Double Standards' In Hopsitality"

Final draft can be read here.

Congratulations to Kim Tong-hyung, for submitting 500 plus words on this topic without mentioning skin color once.

First Draft:

Korea Hospitality Only For White Foreigners

A survey have expose the Korea Tourism feeling to good treatment only white people not brown people tourists. Everybody know Korea hospitality best hospitality if family visit or teacher come to house and eat bulgogi, maybe offer daughter to government official. But survey from Korea Culture and Tourism Institute with 5800 foreigners show also white people get Korea hospitality and not brown people.

But Dark Skin Asian people and dirty Chinese less than Korea hospitality good impression of it. Its because of they culture more like us so expect Korea hospitality is nothing special maybe. But really because brown skin. Or maybe it because they come here for more specific reason, like expect to meet Lee Young-ae and Hallyu star handsome people but instead old man smell like squid is follow them and shout "Dokdo is Korea land!" Also Hong Kong people is like shopping and Japan people is like food.

Survey is one problem though: neglectful to ask most two important question that:

"How much is Korea better than your country?"
A. 150-170% better than my country
B. 180-210% better than my country
C. 220-250% better than my country
D. more than 250% better than my country


That kimchi is spicy, isn't it?
A. Yes. It's much too spicy for me.
B. Yes. Koreans must be very strong and have amazing stamina, to eat such spicy food with every meal.
C. Yes. It's so spicy I wish to offer my home-country's sovereignty to Korea, just to stop the burning sensation in my mouth.
D. Yes. I wish to hear you speak about the virtues and flavor of Kimchi for thirty minutes. Please tell me: exactly how many different kinds of kimchi are there?

Saturday 14 November 2009

Interview with Sang Hyun-joon, Korea's Top Fawner

Sang Hyun-joon comes across as a normal man, at first. He is of medium build, his haircut is a five dollar Blue Club special. His glasses make him seem like a man more comfortable in a library than a night club. But when he opens his mouth, something about him changes.

"In all the auspicious history of this great restaurant district, truly, we have not seen a bori-bap so succulent."

Yes, Sang Hyun-joon is Korea's top pangyrist -- he's the one who writes, either directly or through ghost-writing, the best and most orgasmic articles trumpeting the greatness of Korean culture, athletics, politics, finances, and whatever else is going well.

You've probably read his work. More than once.

"All the world stops to hear the announcement: it is true that more than ever before, I write under more than a dozen different pen names: I might be world's top writer in terms of different pen names. Number one!"

Sang has always had this gift. The first composition he wrote in elementary school described how his teacher would be the one to usher in a golden age for Korean education, and his sister charmingly complains that their mother never became a better cook, because Hyun-joon's breathless praise made her complacent, and she never improved.

Sang might be best known for his work praising sports stars, like Park Jisung, Kim Yuna, Park Seri, and Park Chanho, and he's particularly proud of a "Look out, MMA, Here comes Choi Hong-man" article he wrote after Choi's spectacular win against Jose Canseco. However, the writer claims he doesn't have any strong preference for what he likes to fawn over best.

"Finance, Korean companies, politicians, athletes, tycoons, scientists -- I'll write about'em all. Ditto for culture and natural features -- pansoori, K-pop, dramas and movies, film directors, mountains, wetlands, minefields, massacre sites, four seasons, spicy food -- I've done it all, and I'll do it all again. That is the greatness of Korean everything. I really never tire of thinking about my country and culture, and how awesome it is. Sometimes it makes me want to explode."

When asked to let us in on the secrets of the trade, he said, "Study superlatives, and bring in Japan or America anytime Korea compares favorably to them. Also, never give an individual credit if you can instead attribute their success to some national characteristic -- Hwang Woo-suk's success was due to Korean skill with chopsticks; Korean women golf well because of their relationships with their fathers (notice how I managed to give credit to Korean men after all there?) Kim Yuna succeeded because of her Korean Mother's love, and Park Tae-hwan has more jung."

With this amazing skill for making things sound like the greatest in the world, one must wonder whether Sang never tried to sell his skill to other countries. "I'm sure my skill would be one of the world's most desirable talents, truly a singular feature among world talents. "A few countries and non-Korean companies have tried to hire me... but I had to cancel the contracts. I just couldn't write anything, and the most positive adjective I could think of was 'crummy'"

Yes, once again, the world will have to stand at the outside looking in, as the world's greatest hype-writer, much like the world's greatest swimmer*, the world's greatest female figure skater, the world's greatest slow-moving MMA fighter, the world's greatest despot, the world's greatest cellphone producer, the world's greatest awkwardly large boy-band, the world's greatest ultra-violent filmmaker, and the world's greatest internet e-mail army, all belong to Korea.

*other than Michael Phelps

Wednesday 11 November 2009

Other New Proposed Commercial and Cultural Holidays for November

November 1:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Corrupt C.E.O Pardon Day

November 2:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Grab a Foreigner's Love Handles Day

November 3:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Plastic Surgery Day

November 4:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Pirated Internet Porn Day

November 5:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Internet Explorer 6 Day (With ActiveX Control and Free Security Updates)

November 6:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Shop At A Korean Company That Uses English Names Koreans Can't Pronounce Day

November 7:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Products Endorsed by Girls Generation Day

November 8:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Internet Addiction Day

November 9:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Cheat At Cards Day (Casinos Closed)

November 10:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Get Blitzed Out of your F$^@ing Mind Day (We needed another: Every Friday wasn't enough)

November 11: Nonproductive hangover day.
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: You can use chopsticks really well! Day

November 12:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Frankly Speaking Day

November 13:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Foist Korean Culture Upon Foreigners Who Are More Interested in Other Stuff Day (aka Pansoori Day)

November 14:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Korean Culture That Foreigners Actually Find Interesting But We're Ashamed of It Because It Reminds Us That Korea Used To Be Poor Day (aka Budaejigae, Country Restaurant, and Street Food Day)

November 15:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Hug a B-Boy Day

November 16:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: I'm Afraid of Aprika People Day (aka Multiculturalism Day)

November 17:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Cellphone Accessory Day

November 18:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Adulate Chan-ho Park Day (every year a different hero will be chosen to adulate)

November 19:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Kimchi is Spicy Day

November 20:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Gender Discrimination Day

November 21:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: "You should eat more" and "You're so fat" Day (a.k.a. Korean Mother Day)

November 22:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: White Envelope Day (bribe a teacher or a public official)

November 23:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Sexy Dance by Underage Girls Day

November 24:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Buy Something Japanese Day

November 25:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Hate Japan Day

November 26:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Overcharge Japanese Tourists Day (also: Overcharge All Foreigners Day. Also, Taxi Driver day)

November 27:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Convince Ourselves Samsung Will Invent the IPhone Killer Day

November 28:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Pyoungchang Winter Olympics Day (Every year. No matter what.)

November 29:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Flame a Celebrity Anonymously on the Internet Day (aka Celebrity Suicide Day) Candlelit Vigil at night.

November 30:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Throw Soap at a China People Day

Tuesday 10 November 2009

Practice Cannes Award Acceptance Speech from Director of Korea's next Winner

For best effect, read the editorial with this page, or the video below, open in a separate window.

Ladies and gentlemen, Park Chan-wook was a pioneer, but Korean film has finally arrived! Korea's artistic and cultural superiority finally reveals itself in this film. By not acting like monkeys in our own public places, and laughing at foreigners who have not been raised from childhood to live exactly like us, we believe our absolute superiority as a tourist destination has finally become clear.

First, in making the greatest Korean short film in history, I'd like to thank our talent, especially the actors. The western woman is playing an ancient Korean archetype in storytelling: the big-titty blonde one. I think that's her real name. Regardless, that's what I called her during filming. This archetype can be seen in many western movies, including women like Marilyn Monroe, Daryl Hannah, Scarlett Johanssen, and Thora Birch when she dyed her hair. Our foreigner protagonist is, in my opinion, a budding Hilary Swank. Observe the subtlety in her facial expressions as she portrays the bemused, orangutan-like curiosity many foreigners have about Korean culture, and her sensitive, yearning portrayal of a stranger in culture shock, struggling with looking like an idiot, surrounded for the first time in her life with true civilization. We believe she represents every foreigner in Korea: clumsy retard babies who have no clue how to truly function in an actually civilized society. She probably has loose morals and no Education credentials. But what a big nose!

To me, the real beauty of her performance is in the details. When she pays for her jimjilbang, she bows so clumsily it looks like she's having an orgasm! Really, I'm glad I have that loanshark friend who knew a white girl in debt trouble -- she was a real find, and it was totally worth saving her thumbs to get her in this video! I hope she enjoys newfound popularity in the foreign community, as all the foreigners in Korea see that, she shares Koreans' contempt for them, by mocking foreigners, and willingly making foreigners look like stupid idiots. By acting like Koreans (particularly the makers of this video) she will demonstrate that she is more like a Korean than they are, and her foreign friends will all look up to her in awe and admiration, the same way the world looks with awe and admiration at Korean cultural achievements like eating spicy food with chopsticks, and having more seasons than other countries, and palaces in harmony with nature (fuck you, Beijing).

I'd also like to thank Andy, my secretary's twelve-year-old child, who attends English Friends Academy, and translated the subtitles.

Finally, I'd like to thank the Korean Tourism Organization and the Seoul Grand Sale organization for funding my life dream of making a video that mocks and belittles foreigners.

Their new promotional direction, of mocking their audience, of people they want to visit Korea, is unique in the world, and that uniqueness and derision will, I believe, make Korea stand out as different from other nations' tourism campaigns. We look forward to millions upon millions of foreigners coming to Korea and blundering into saunas with their shoes on like idiots, making monkey faces in massage chairs, dropping chopsticks, and displaying a shocking lack of jung by ordering separate dishes and paying separately, while insulting restaurateurs by leaving tips, drinking moderately, and leaving the bars empty by 9:30pm so that Koreans can go out and drink. They have no idea how to drink. Fortunately, we Koreans can show them proper drinking manners. I am convinced that soon, every Korean will have a pet tourist of their own to laugh at.

Here is a video of proper Korean drinking manners.

I believe it is an important message to spread to the world, that Koreans know how to function in their own culture, and scorn those who cannot fit in immediately. This kind of generous, global-minded tolerance, in which we allow these non-functional retard babies to move around freely in our cities, allows us to have free entertainment any time, whenever one of these clumsy fools dares to show their face, and their awful manners, in public. This is a message I want to spread to the world, so that everyone will come to Korea and be mocked by the locals, louder and louder, as we get totally, totally, totally blitzed beyond all reason. I'd like to send a shout out to all Koreans, to make sure we give tourists special treatment in Korea as they display their awful manners and inability to function, by pointing at them, talking about them, staring at them, laughing at them when they do something wrong, and congratulating them like a baby who made first poo poo in the big boy potty, every time they eat something spicier than a bean-sprout, or handle chopsticks better than an amputee.

This is my vision for Korea's future! Daehanminguk!

One more. For good measure.

Sunday 8 November 2009

New Driver's License In Hand, Jeonju Woman To Choose Korean Tourism's New Slogan

(ht brian)
Rather than using market research, studies, test groups, or basic public relations and promotions fundamentals, the Korean Tourism Organization has found their perfect candidate to create Korea's new tourism slogan. Cha Sa-soon, a 68-year-old woman from Jonju, made international headlines passing her written driver's license on the 950th try, and now she will write the slogan that will make Korea a more attractive tourist destination than New York City combined.

Lee Charm, head of the Korean Tourism Organization, explained, "Ms. Cha exemplifies the great, fighting spirit of Koreans: never giving up, butting heads against the same wall until it crumbles, indomitable fighting spirit, and unwillingness to read directions carefully. Plus, she already has experience in the international media; it's just a small step sideways for her to go from's "news of the weird" feature to the front page."

"We've been coming up with slogans for a while, and have been getting discouraged by criticism, and lack of results. Given that a low rate of success seems to be come with the territory in these promotions, we thought we'd hand the reins to someone who's accustomed to trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and mostly failing, but sometimes achieving success."

Experts are praising the bold move by the Korean Tourism Organization. "Hiring one doggedly determined woman will be much more efficient and cost-effective than our other plans to improve tourism -- first of all, actually improving Korea as a tourist destination would be hard: keeping around those unsightly neighborhoods that have unique atmospheres of their own, without changing them so they look exactly the same as every other neighborhood in every city and town in Korea, well that's unfeasible. It would be expensive to restore those old neighborhoods, easier to replace them with glass and steel; it hurts our pride to leave Japanese colonial buildings untouched, and you know, we got all this neon sign material from China back in 1994 at such a bargain, of course we need to use it all. The idea of opening more hostels that are actually cheap, to attract backpackers, rather than gouging everyone at overpriced tourist motels... well, we want to TAKE their money, don't we? So that's out. Meanwhile, the amount of effort it would take to improve multilingual signage, coach hospitality workers in cultural sensitivity, and stigmatize the shouting of "Yankee Go Home!" and "You Russia?" at white people, and the shouting of "Go Home, Monkey!" to dark-skinned people would take work and time. We figure a real helluva slogan will accomplish the same effects. As for plan B, do you know the kind of manpower it would have taken to clean, feed, and house those billion monkeys we'd ordered from a dealer in India? To say nothing of finding a billion typewriters sturdy enough to withstand a monkey attempting to mate with it."

Nook-tu, one of the billion monkeys, was unperturbed by the lost opportunity. "I guess I'll have to go back to my old job, scavenging for nuts and fruit in the trees. I wasn't really looking forward to a desk job, but my mother-in-law thought it would be more stable with kids on the way."

Meanwhile, Cha Sa-soon, who does not speak English, has already started working on coming up with slogans. She's been pulling poetry fridge magnet words out of a satin bag all afternoon, and fastidiously copying down the results for her new employers. The thrilled lady says, "I've always wanted to be a civil servant, but I gave up that dream after failing the test 1754 times."

Tourism officials have already seen a few possible slogans that might be an improvement on "Korea, Sparkling,"


Thresh mighty artichokes, Korea!
Korea Answer!
Land of the Morning Spoon
Abuse Sleep Most Find Who Korea!
Two Turn Fuck Zapan Korea!
Mill Idea Pie Very Land is Korea!

You can create a tourism Korea slogan, too: just go here and let us know what you come up with!