Tuesday 27 October 2009

November Cancelled due to Swine Flu Fears

With increasing reports of Swine Flu afflictions, the Korean government has decided to cancel the entire month of November.

"We figure if we just skip straight to December, those thirty days'll be enough time for everyone in Korea with Swine Flu to get over it."

Some schools and institutions are even getting a head start on the cancellation by cancelling Hallowe'en parties on the 31st of October. Instead, schools will have regular class days, putting students into contact with the same students and teachers they'd be contacting during a Hallowe'en parties, but without costumes, which are thought by some to be catalysts for transmission.

"I'm pretty choked," Sam Marwyn, a Canadian complained. "I was really looking forward to the traditional Canadian Hallowe'en game of 'Mingle the Magic Body Fluids,' but it turns out I won't be able to play it at all this year, eh?"

Meanwhile, (photo stolen from Koreangov on Twitter) during the missing month of November, Koreans are asked not to turn over their calendars, and pretend nothing is happening. Also, all festivals previously planned for the now nonexistent month of November will be changed to Kimchi festivals.

If these drastic actions are not enough to stop the tide of increasing swine flu infections, the Korean Government is considering other options.

"We're thinking about instigating a hunt, and just cutting our losses with all the infected -- got that idea after watching a few zombie movies -- and we might nuke Daejeon, to send a message. We're also thinking about canceling Insadong, or banishing all carriers to Dokdo. Massive culls of pig farms is a high probability, and we might just cancel school, and only have tests for the rest of the school year. We're also planning on passing several laws against swine flu." Lee Gun-hyeon is the representative responsible for proposing a law against swine flu.

"As you can see," Lee said, "statistics about swine flu are alarming. For example, just this month, eleventy-fifteen-million Koreans caught swine-flu, and the rate is increasing daily. Every day I get calls to my office, and the sickness is getting more serious as four hundred thirty percent of our children in danger. If we don't do something about this soon, my carefully crafted appearance of being an effective politician will be exposed." Lee's office statistician was on hand to add more details: "After the wizard's orgasm, rainbow explosions all across Gwanghwamun Plaza led to the death of the unicorn, and all its protective power was dispelled. The fire energy from Gwanak mountain flows straight into the downtown, spreading the flu, and even high-level protection spells can't do anything to prevent transmission, at alarming rates. Immediate action is required."

Those alarmed at the increase in swine flu cases can take solace in this: now that all the brothels on Yeouido, and within driving distance of The National Assembly have been closed, quick, decisive action may soon be at hand.

"DECLARE MARTIAL LAW!" wailed one unnamed assemblyman.

Wednesday 21 October 2009

Yuna Kim's Mother Reaches Top Of Korean Mother Bragging Rights Ranking

After setting a world record and winning the "Tropii Elik Pompadeu," Yuna Kim, or Kim Yuna's mother Park Mee-hee has moved past Ban Ki-moon's mother for the Koreawide Lead in the Korea Mother's Bragging Rights Rankings (KMBRR).

The Korea Mother's Bragging Rights Rankings are a little-known rating, outside of Korean Mothers: it is scored, basically, by imagining the mother of every Korean sitting in an after-church tea together, and asking the question, "Who would have to stand up and get whom another plate of banchan, and who would be able to say 'Get it your own damn self, you harpy mother of an underachiever.'"

While a little morbid, even deceased mothers of prominent Koreans are included in the ranking, in order to include every prominent Korean on the list, and achieve the purest, most inclusive ranking of important mothers.

It's been a bad year for Ban Ki-moon (Mother ranked 2nd now), after months of criticism for having a lower profile than previous UN Secretary Generals like the Aprica People one with a beard. On the other hand, Kim Yu-na (1) set a world record in January, and another this week. The KMBRR rankings usually give precedence to political figures, for the prestige and the chance to achieve financial gains through peddling one's political influence -- which of course might lead to expensive gifts for mom. In this case, Yuna flew past Lee Myung-bak's mother (5), whose rating is still recovering from last year's beef protests and persistent rumors of corruption and favoritism, and left Park Ji-sung's mother (7) far in the dust, hampered by her son's being a healthy scratch too often, despite an improvement in his complexion and his contract extension with Manchester United, which has fallen to the second most prestigious soccer team in Europe.
As always, the mothers of entertainers have trouble reaching the top echelons of the list, because of the negative stigmas of entertainers not going to university, and consistent rumors of unscrupulous managers and company executives dealing in, um, favors. After JYP's mother (12), the highest rated female entertainers' mother is Lee Young-ae's mother (18), who celebrated a wedding and a move to America for her daughter, and can now look forward to a granddaughter. Following Lee Young-ae are the mothers of Boa (22) and the Wonder Girls (28-32), who have also gone to America, and whose English is improving, both always good ratings-boosters. Boa, despite not making much noise recently, still ranks higher than The Wonder Girls, for having taken a lot of money from the Japanese with her pop success there.

Park Geun-hye's mother (41 and climbing), though deceased, remains the strongest up-and-comer on the list: not only (were she alive) would she be the wife of an ex-president, but her daughter, despite the obvious demerits of being female, and not beautiful, is a strong candidate for Korea's next president, and cooks a great chapchae, which, combined, might well be enough to vault her to tops on the list: being a first female president would be a landmark acheivement, if elected, and if she can master dalkdoritang, her mother could have expected a good strong stay at number one; however, most presidential candidates' mothers see a quick drop after the election, when public opinion turns so quickly and sharply against new presidents elect. In the absence of beauty, it would be hoped Park Geun-hye's cooking and housekeeping skills might balance out her expected political performance, and prolong her stay at number one. On the other hand, first-female achievements lead to high Korean Mother Status: Yi So-yeon's mother (currently 143) broke the top fifteen when she was both the first Korean and the first Korean female in space, as well as carrying Kimchi and bacteria from Dokdo to space, despite being unattractive, a bad cook, and replacing a handsome male Samsung employee (mother's current ranking 1593) on the mission.

Struggling badly is Park Tae-hwan's mother (45, down from 8 right after the 2008 Olympics), as the Olympic medalist struggled famously at his last international competition. Despite being handsome, young, and male, he could improve his rating by attending SNU, getting a job at Samsung, moving to Bundang, or buying a Mercedes. Even better would be attending Heobeodeu University in the America.

Sunday 18 October 2009

A Game of "Does it Exist" with World Authority Archaeologist

That's right. Logic demigod David Thiessen, aka The Archaeologist, has assured us all that racism does not exist in Korea, because it does not exist either in the human genome, nor in the bible. In a piece of brilliant analysis and exposition in The Korea Times, Mr. Thiessen has demonstrated that The Word Of God, and The Human Genome, are the only authoritative places to find proof of whether a thing exists or not. Logicians are now referring to this standard of existence as "Archaeologist's Razor" similar to Occam's Razor for its effectiveness in getting to the heart of logical discourse. Grateful for this bit of endless wisdom, Dokdo Is Ours has asked Mr. Thiessen to grace Dokdo Is Ours with more Holy, Divine, Unassailable Truth, by taking some questions about other things than racism, and letting us know whether they exist, or are nothing more than illusions.

The Holy Bible: "EXISTS: in fact, the beginning of the human genome starts, "In The Beginning, God Created..."... I know this is true because I saw it in a dream God gave me."

(for the record, The Human Genome is King James.)

Soccer: "Does not exist. While kicking is found in the bible, games involving kicking are not, and therefore while we can be sure that a soccer-like game MIGHT exist, soccer itself cannot be confirmed to exist.

The Matrix: "Whether we live in The Matrix, or it's just a fiction, would depend on what I see after having a chance to examine its programming code, and see whether any of it resembles either The Human Genome or the text of The Holy Bible.

The Mushroom Haircut: "While wild vegetable are mentioned in the bible, they are not to be found in the Human Genome, so probably not."

The U.S. Pledge of Allegiance: "Only the line 'One Nation under God,' because it mentions God, who exists. By logic, the existence of this line leads me to conclude, logically, that there is only one nation in the world; therefore, only the USA exists... but only God-fearing red states, and school districts that don't teach evolution."

Hans Christian Andersen's Fairy Tales: "Nothing but fairy tales, I'm afraid. Duh."

Babies: "Human DNA has shown no significant differences between Baby DNA and Adult DNA, therefore babies are a social construct, and might be a propaganda tool of racist English teachers."
"But you said racism doesn't exist."
"Shut up, you godless obfuscator of the truth! God will judge you (which is my cute way of saying I already have judged you -- it's my charming idiosyncrasy to pretend I speak on God's behalf. My betrothed loves it. It makes her wild under her ankle-length skirt and linen head-covering.)"

Pencils: "If the pencil has a double-helix drawn on it, it resembles Human DNA enough to be said it exists."

The Archaeologist: "Yes, but I am the only one to whom Descartes' maxim, 'I think, therefore I am' applies. I know I actually think, so I KNOW I exist, but I'm not quite so sure about you: I will continue suspecting you of being a devil's trick, sent to lead me astray, and will therefore disregard everything you say."

Barack Obama: "Yes! He is the leader from the North mentioned in Revelation, who will bring forth the apocolypse."

English: "Not really. This further illegitimizes English teachers: that their language is a sham. The human genome is actually in Greek and Hebrew characters: the languages of the original bible."

North Korean Aggression: "No. Only English teachers who do not respect their contracts and look down upon Korean culture perceive the social construct of North Korean aggression. In truth, Koreans are peaceful and the greatest culture on earth, and this image of North Korea violating its international agreements is a case of projection from English teachers who imagine North Korea has the same disdain for international agreements as English teachers have for their contracts."

Any other questions in the comments shall be answered as soon as possible.

Thursday 15 October 2009

Ask A Pissed Off English Teacher Who's Been in Korea Too Long

Dokdo Week #3: Special Advice Column

Dokdo Is Ours is proud to introduce a new addition to our stable of advice columnists. As always, if you have a question for "Ask an Internet Troll," "Ask a Korean Promotional Brochure," "Ask the guy who wrote the English Raps on Jewelry's CD"or "Ask a Pissed Off English Teacher Who's Been Here Too Long," you are welcome to send an e-mail to dokdoisours at gmail dot com. Serious. All letters sent so far have been answered!

Dear Pissed Off English Teacher

Hi! I'm Sandy! I'm 22, and I came to Korea to add some international experience to my application to the American Academy of Diplomacy, and work towards my life dream of working internationally as an ambassador and diplomat. I've only been here for a few months, so I'm still trying to learn more about the subtleties of intercultural communication and understanding, as well as getting used to the honorific codes in interpersonal interactions so important to Koreans. Anyway, I recently had a strange conversation with a Korean friend about a couple of islands called 'Dokdo' which are apparently part of a territorial dispute between Korea and Japan. I'm wondering if you could explain the context of this conflict for me. Also, when I asked, "What's the big deal" -- after all, it's only a couple of islands -- my Korean friend got a little agitated. In your opinion, what is the most tactful way to discuss this issue with Koreans, and is there anything I should avoid saying, or doing, while talking about Dokdo, in order to avoid another awkward situation?

Dear Sandy:

First of all, before we get into any of the points in your letter, or address your question, I'd just like to remind you, by referencing events that happened before you came to Korea, that I've been here longer than you. I was here for the beef riots. I was here for President Roh's impeachment. I was here before Chunggyecheon, I was here when Jeon Ji-hyun was still a real person, I was here for English Spectrum Gate and the Armored Vehicle Riots and the World Cup and the IMF Bailout and the Asian Financial Meltdown and I may have been the guy to offer Dangun's garlic-breath-bear Father his first post-cave mentos. I used to toss chocolate bars to the Korean kids running behind my buddy's military vehicle, back when hooker hill went uphill both ways.

Second, I want you to know that, while I've lived that long in Korea, but I still can't speak Korean, I still know more about Korea than any of the Koreans I meet (not that I have any Korean friends, but why would I want a bunch of clones on my speed-dial anyway), because I can look at Korea objectively since I didn't grow up here, which means that comparing Korea with my home country and finding it wanting is ALWAYS more valid than any Korean's view of their own country. If a Korean disagrees with me about this, it is obviously because they have been brainwashed by their Korean-only, By Nationalism-Wacky Koreans For Nationalism-Wacky Koreans racist media.

When a Korean tries to approach you about the Dokdo issue, it is only because he is racist, and attempting to discriminate against you, and oppress your natural rights, guaranteed by international conventions, by pigeonholing you into the role of cultural pariah -- that is, Dokdo Non-believer, and force you to take an AIDS test even though foreigners obey the law WAY more than ANY Korean. If you refuse to drink the Dokdo Kool-aid from the KKKorean pure-blood fetishist, they will label you "wangta" and treat you like shit, because they're confucian, and confucianism is basically an excuse Koreans use to treat everyone like shit except other Koreans who are older than them... who they only lie to, and cheat behind their backs, rather than doing it openly, like they do with white people, south-asians, people from other provinces of Korea, and people younger than themselves. This is why you will never fit into Korean society, because all Koreans are inherently racist. It's in their DNA, right next to the "I believe Kimchi cures everything" gene and the "If it's on the internet and it says bad things about America, it must be true" gene and the "thirty-million gullible brainwashed saps can't be wrong, so I'd better follow the crowd, plus, this movement has a cartoon character! Squee!" gene. All Koreans are racist. All Koreans generalize about others, ALL the time. There is no hope for Korea in the future because inherently racist societies must fail in the world scene, and Korea will never change, Korea will never open their mind and see another point of view, and Korea will never try to understand other cultures. I'd realized that by my third month in Korea, and nothing I have seen, heard, or read since then has changed my mind, and nothing ever will.

Sorry... what was your question again?

Sunday 11 October 2009

New York Times: We Will Continue Taking Money from Nationalistic Koreans"

Dokdo Week, Part 2:

Baylor Thompson, head of advertising in the New York Times, reports that he plans to continue giving advertising space to nationalistic Koreans wishing to make a point about the East Sea, Dokdo, Baekdu Mountain, Kim Il-Sung's glorious leadership forever, Grand Canal Schemes, or whatever else they wish to promote, "As long as the cash keeps coming, and as long as they keep thinking NYT ads actually accomplish anything other than stirring the derision of Daveizens, we will continue taking their money."

Though at first, it took a while to really convince Koreans that taking out New York Times ads would lead to any positive results, Thompson says validation of the NYT ads actually took care of itself. "As soon as the Times ads came out, they got reported by Yonhap, Chosun, and every other Korean news source picked it up, and that amount of coverage seems to have tricked Koreans into thinking EVERY country reports and discusses it just as extensively when some Korean takes out a New York Times ad." Once Koreans were fooled, by their own media, into thinking that a NYT ad got the entire world abuzz about a topic, "I just had to sit back and wait for more ad requests to roll in," Mr. Thompson says.

This startling news comes at a time when some have been questioning the effectiveness of taking out full-page New York Times ads about The East Sea (also known as the Sea of Dirty, Island-Stealing Ass-Pirates). It started when a Korean named Min-hong traveled overseas, to Manchester, and over dinner with a group of British citizens, casually brought up a common dinner-table topic from his home country: "So, do you think Japan will ever relinquish that pesky claim on Dokdo?" he asked. When met with blank stares, he tried again. "You know, the land dispute in the East Sea -- the little islands near Ulleungdo that Japan is trying to steal from Korea, the rightful owners -- do you think they'll ever admit it's a symbol of their enduring imperial aspirations?"

"Which sea?" his hosts asked.

"The East Sea -- the one between Korea and Japan."

"Oh. We call that The Sea of Japan in English."

"No, you must be mistaken -- it's the East Sea. Don't you read the New York Times? I was under the impression that this you tried to stay up to date on current events!"

"Well, we do, but this is England: the BBC is our main news source here."

Returning home with news of such shocking ignorance about Korea's issues of world import led to a period of doubt for Min-hong and those in his circle of friends. "Why are people bothering to advertise in the Times when it's met with indifference from the rest of the world?" was the question on everybody's lips.

However, when Japan began taking out full-page ads denying wrongdoing in issues like the comfort women issue and the Nanking massacres, many Koreans decided that, dinner-table-topics in Manchester or none, Korea could not fall behind Japan in the Western Media Paid Advertisement Propaganda race.

"We now have schools organizing bake sales, perfumes and donation drives, we have traveling missionaries spreading the word about Dokdo, in order to continue taking out MORE NYT ads than those filty Japanese barbarians," explained Choi Yang-hoon, one of the leaders of a recent Dokdo drive. "We're waiting for more Dokdo Songs, hoping that Kim Jang-hoon might even contribute a hit pop-song, possibly one as good as this one:

Personally, Baylor Thompson doesn't know much about Dokdo, and doesn't really care, either: he actually enjoys getting the full page ad requests, "Because that's an entire page of space I don't have to sell in smaller pieces -- a big chunk of advertising space, sold in one shot -- that makes my job easier. They could print lines from North Korean revolutionary songs for all I care," he said. He does have one concern, however, and he says it's an important one.

"Just make sure the checks clear."

Saturday 10 October 2009

Dokdo Week: Part 1: Other Ways to let the world know Dokdo Belongs To Korean

It is time to re-claim Dokdo for Korea: our historians, those brilliant minds who invented "Fan Fiction" long before it took a totally different form and became popular on the internet, have been spending their days and months researching and brainstorming, trying to find a truly fool-proof, fail-safe strategy to claim Dokdo as Korea's territory.

Hand out flyers in New York City that say "독도는 우리땅"

Manufacture rolls of toilet paper with brown spots on them in the shape of the Dokdo Islands.

Condoms with Dokdo on the case, and the words "This belongs to Korea, too" on the side.

McDokDo: like the McDLT, except instead of a hot part and a cold part, two mounds of meat shaped like Dokdo.

Full page ads in the Chosun Ilbo.

Export our language to other countries.

Make a TV series set on Dokdo. Put Bae Yong-joon in it, so that Japanese will be hypnotized by His Ajummaness and we can brainwash them into believing Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Give away free dokdo hugs. And free dokdo cookies. And free dokdo mudpies. In Insadong.

Get Korean girls to only sleep with Western unqualified dirty English teachers if the teacher says "Dokdo belongs to Korea" first. Then it's OK, or at least morally neutral.

Get Cat Stevens to convert to Koreanism and write songs about Dokdo.

Convince protestant prosletyzers to spend one day a week prosletyzing for Dokdo instead of for Jesus.

Send a hundred e-mails a day. To everyone. Maybe convince the Viagra/Cialis guy to add "Dokdo Belongs to Korea" to his e-mail advertisements.

Sexy dance contest. We do that for everything.

Take a regular product. Put the word Dokdo on the package. Add a 75% markup. Give 5% of the markup to Dokdo for more New York Times ads. That'll do it.

Win a Nobel Prize by discovering more bacteria on Dokdo. Proclaim Dokdo is Korea's land during the acceptance speech.

Start a campaign to rename The Rolling Stones "Dokdo," the same way we're renaming The East Sea.

Approach foreigners in the bath house.

A protest in Gwanghwamun Plaza. That'll mess up LMB.

Name our children Dokdo. All of them.

Dokdo cologne. Made with real seagull shit from Dokdo. (ps: not even a joke)

Scratch "Dokdo Belongs to Korea" on Japanese National Monuments and cultural heritage sites.

Buy Sony products. 'cause damn. Those Japanese electronics are well-made!

Be rude to Japanese tourists until they give up and give us Dokdo.

Be rude to Japanese people when we travel to Japan until they give up and give us Dokdo.

Claim Fukuoka as Korean land, and in their eagerness to get Fukuoka back, they'll be glad to let us have Dokdo.

Throw shit at the Japanese Embassy. I'm pretty sure that actually worked once.

Get into a shoving match at the National Assembly. Seriously.

Make it a condition for North Korea's nuclear disarmament.

Get a young guy to dress up as an old lady, and have him fall down on TV.

Barack Obama likes bulgogi, so Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Make it a question on the standardized exam.

Build a training facility for the national soccer team on Dokdo.

Train Jindo dogs to bite anybody who says "Takashima" send them around the world.

Put Dokdo on the map during the news weather forecast. If we forecast the weather there, it MUST be ours.

Promise to lower import tariffs for Japanese products from 216% to 174%.

Force Japanese people we meet personally, to personally apologize for the comfort women, and declare that Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Videotape white people saying "독도는 우리땅" phonetically, even though they don't know what it means, and put it on TV, and watch it while touching ourselves.

Convert it into a missile silo, or build defensive gun turrets on the big one.

Get a little kid in a pink dress to stand on a stage and say Dokdo is Korean land.

Get a large group of seven-year-old girls to dress like cowboy cheerleaders and do a sexy dance to a Britney Spears song and put letters on the short-pants covering their asses so that when they lift up their skirts and moon the audience at the end of the song it spells "Dokdo belongs to Korea!" How cute and innocent!

Bring up Dokdo in every conversation with a foreigner, and get upset if they say anything other than "Yes. Now I see that Dokdo is Korean land, and Japan sucks balls. Thank you for enlightening me. Now, can I have more kimchi? I like it, even though it's too spicy for me. Now, let's practice English together."

Name restaurants in Seoul after Dokdo. And toys. And balloons. And cars. And pets. And pens and pencils. And kimchi refrigerators.

Make the lady who cut off her finger for Dokdo the Queen of Korea.

Get elementary students to draw pictures about how much they hate Japan.

Put people in slingshots and catapult their bodies over the fence of the Japanese embassy, until they get tired of cleaning up the body parts and give Dokdo to Korea.

Study hard.

Work hard and make Korea number one country and famous Korean success in English Premier League so that Korea many famous and then Korea army with Lee Sunshin army boat to big war and Korea famous so everybody like and then Dokdo is Korea land!

Get Korea Times comment board people to start writing letters to Japanese newspapers. Their clear-minded logical arguments are sure to convince the world.

No, Really. Sexy Dance.

Hey I'm not George Bush either... where's MY Nobel Prize?

And that's all I have to say about Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Thursday 8 October 2009

In this tough Economy, Joongang Inc. Is Dedicated to Not Cutting Funding to our Naked White People Department

Joongang Daily staff photographer Han Je-hoon

While it is shameful to me, working on the naked white people photography department of the Joongang news corporation, given its second class rating, behind the auspicious Chosun Ilbo and Digital Chosun, which are known worldwide as the Korea's Harvard University of Photographing White Half-or-Mostly Naked People, it is reassuring news I have for you.

Despite being miles behind the field leader, the Joongang Daily is dedicated to continuing to bring you photos of naked white people, like this one, from a vineyard in France. It is an integral part of our duty to allow our strength in this field to combine with that of the Great Pervy Chosun (our little industry nickname) and bring Korea to world leadership in the rankings of "Creepy Photographing of Mostly Nude White People" -- while we have a lot of catching up to do before passing the German and Russian porn industry, Korea already ranks ahead of the French art film industry in photographing white naked people, and with more diligence and better patrolling of Haeundae Beach, we intend to climb to fifth in the world by 2017.

It is my recommendation that, in order to bolster our standing in this area, the censorship board remove the laws requiring us to blur out certain erogenous zones in our photos, which lead many Korean internet porn watchers to believe that women actually DO have pixelated vaginas, and that their own weiners are abominable variations from the world norm of having pixelated penises... showing "the full monty" will also increase interest in our dirty pictures, as compared to those produced by other countries. Also, I call on the Korean Government to sponsor longer telephoto lenses and more powerful sensors for the cameras of those photographers who have dedicated their lives to raising Korea's profile in the realm of photographing nude white people. It is only through the support of Korea's great people, AND the government, that we will finally see Korea join the ranks of the greatest nations at creepily photographing nude white people.