Wednesday 21 October 2009

Yuna Kim's Mother Reaches Top Of Korean Mother Bragging Rights Ranking

After setting a world record and winning the "Tropii Elik Pompadeu," Yuna Kim, or Kim Yuna's mother Park Mee-hee has moved past Ban Ki-moon's mother for the Koreawide Lead in the Korea Mother's Bragging Rights Rankings (KMBRR).

The Korea Mother's Bragging Rights Rankings are a little-known rating, outside of Korean Mothers: it is scored, basically, by imagining the mother of every Korean sitting in an after-church tea together, and asking the question, "Who would have to stand up and get whom another plate of banchan, and who would be able to say 'Get it your own damn self, you harpy mother of an underachiever.'"

While a little morbid, even deceased mothers of prominent Koreans are included in the ranking, in order to include every prominent Korean on the list, and achieve the purest, most inclusive ranking of important mothers.

It's been a bad year for Ban Ki-moon (Mother ranked 2nd now), after months of criticism for having a lower profile than previous UN Secretary Generals like the Aprica People one with a beard. On the other hand, Kim Yu-na (1) set a world record in January, and another this week. The KMBRR rankings usually give precedence to political figures, for the prestige and the chance to achieve financial gains through peddling one's political influence -- which of course might lead to expensive gifts for mom. In this case, Yuna flew past Lee Myung-bak's mother (5), whose rating is still recovering from last year's beef protests and persistent rumors of corruption and favoritism, and left Park Ji-sung's mother (7) far in the dust, hampered by her son's being a healthy scratch too often, despite an improvement in his complexion and his contract extension with Manchester United, which has fallen to the second most prestigious soccer team in Europe.
As always, the mothers of entertainers have trouble reaching the top echelons of the list, because of the negative stigmas of entertainers not going to university, and consistent rumors of unscrupulous managers and company executives dealing in, um, favors. After JYP's mother (12), the highest rated female entertainers' mother is Lee Young-ae's mother (18), who celebrated a wedding and a move to America for her daughter, and can now look forward to a granddaughter. Following Lee Young-ae are the mothers of Boa (22) and the Wonder Girls (28-32), who have also gone to America, and whose English is improving, both always good ratings-boosters. Boa, despite not making much noise recently, still ranks higher than The Wonder Girls, for having taken a lot of money from the Japanese with her pop success there.
Park Geun-hye's mother (41 and climbing), though deceased, remains the strongest up-and-comer on the list: not only (were she alive) would she be the wife of an ex-president, but her daughter, despite the obvious demerits of being female, and not beautiful, is a strong candidate for Korea's next president, and cooks a great chapchae, which, combined, might well be enough to vault her to tops on the list: being a first female president would be a landmark acheivement, if elected, and if she can master dalkdoritang, her mother could have expected a good strong stay at number one; however, most presidential candidates' mothers see a quick drop after the election, when public opinion turns so quickly and sharply against new presidents elect. In the absence of beauty, it would be hoped Park Geun-hye's cooking and housekeeping skills might balance out her expected political performance, and prolong her stay at number one. On the other hand, first-female achievements lead to high Korean Mother Status: Yi So-yeon's mother (currently 143) broke the top fifteen when she was both the first Korean and the first Korean female in space, as well as carrying Kimchi and bacteria from Dokdo to space, despite being unattractive, a bad cook, and replacing a handsome male Samsung employee (mother's current ranking 1593) on the mission.

Struggling badly is Park Tae-hwan's mother (45, down from 8 right after the 2008 Olympics), as the Olympic medalist struggled famously at his last international competition. Despite being handsome, young, and male, he could improve his rating by attending SNU, getting a job at Samsung, moving to Bundang, or buying a Mercedes. Even better would be attending Heobeodeu University in the America.


holterbarbour said...

In other rankings, this post ranks near the top of DIO's postings.

The Sanity Inspector said...

Oh, this is very funny, especially now that I know enough Korean pop culture to get most of the references. Good stuff!

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious... it was a little bad... but it is very much true.