Tuesday 27 October 2009

November Cancelled due to Swine Flu Fears

With increasing reports of Swine Flu afflictions, the Korean government has decided to cancel the entire month of November.

"We figure if we just skip straight to December, those thirty days'll be enough time for everyone in Korea with Swine Flu to get over it."

Some schools and institutions are even getting a head start on the cancellation by cancelling Hallowe'en parties on the 31st of October. Instead, schools will have regular class days, putting students into contact with the same students and teachers they'd be contacting during a Hallowe'en parties, but without costumes, which are thought by some to be catalysts for transmission.

"I'm pretty choked," Sam Marwyn, a Canadian complained. "I was really looking forward to the traditional Canadian Hallowe'en game of 'Mingle the Magic Body Fluids,' but it turns out I won't be able to play it at all this year, eh?"

Meanwhile, (photo stolen from Koreangov on Twitter) during the missing month of November, Koreans are asked not to turn over their calendars, and pretend nothing is happening. Also, all festivals previously planned for the now nonexistent month of November will be changed to Kimchi festivals.

If these drastic actions are not enough to stop the tide of increasing swine flu infections, the Korean Government is considering other options.

"We're thinking about instigating a hunt, and just cutting our losses with all the infected -- got that idea after watching a few zombie movies -- and we might nuke Daejeon, to send a message. We're also thinking about canceling Insadong, or banishing all carriers to Dokdo. Massive culls of pig farms is a high probability, and we might just cancel school, and only have tests for the rest of the school year. We're also planning on passing several laws against swine flu." Lee Gun-hyeon is the representative responsible for proposing a law against swine flu.

"As you can see," Lee said, "statistics about swine flu are alarming. For example, just this month, eleventy-fifteen-million Koreans caught swine-flu, and the rate is increasing daily. Every day I get calls to my office, and the sickness is getting more serious as four hundred thirty percent of our children in danger. If we don't do something about this soon, my carefully crafted appearance of being an effective politician will be exposed." Lee's office statistician was on hand to add more details: "After the wizard's orgasm, rainbow explosions all across Gwanghwamun Plaza led to the death of the unicorn, and all its protective power was dispelled. The fire energy from Gwanak mountain flows straight into the downtown, spreading the flu, and even high-level protection spells can't do anything to prevent transmission, at alarming rates. Immediate action is required."

Those alarmed at the increase in swine flu cases can take solace in this: now that all the brothels on Yeouido, and within driving distance of The National Assembly have been closed, quick, decisive action may soon be at hand.

"DECLARE MARTIAL LAW!" wailed one unnamed assemblyman.


DSW said...

Putting those new videos and Lee Hyori posters in the subways was a bad idea. All the extra bodily fluid on the glass is causing this Swine Flu affliction.

dokebi said...

Since you're quite enthusiastic about the issue why don't you join Citizendium and help write the article on Dokdo?


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