Sunday 30 November 2008

Samsung To Debut Even More Bulletproof Phone Than Motorola

After a man's life was saved when his Motorola Razr phone stopped a wayward bullet from striking his heart, Samsung, never one to give up an advantage to a competitor, has announced immediate plans to develop the Samsung Armor, a bulletproof phone.

"While R.J. Richard was mostly saved by luck and chance, any Samsung Armor owner who is struck by a bullet in the exact spot where they are carrying their phone, will be saved by Korean engineering prowess, rather than luck."

Korea is a world leader in cellphone production, with LG and Samsung two of the world's top five mobile phone manufacturers, partly because Samsung is quick to adjust to new changes in the market.  The news of the Mississippi man's brush with death led to an emergency meeting in the Samsung head office as phonemakers struggle to find new edges over their rivals.

Samsung is also discussing the possibility of a bulletproof vestphone with Korean military engineers.

Thursday 27 November 2008

By Damaging Korea's Image Overseas, Reuters and BBC Show They Don't Understand Korean Culture

Guest editorial by this guy.

I am just fu¢king fed with international news sources covering nothing but negative news from Korea.  Once again, rather than reporting glowingly about the beauty of Korea's Autumn colors, or the good character of our pop stars, donating money to charity anonymously, or publishing long lists of statistics about Samsung Phone performance specs, those goddamn journalists seem to be looking for nothing but damning, ugly, vile news to report about the beloved motherland.

Little-known news agency Reuters, anti-Korean propaganda mill "The Drudge Report", and hate-literature publisher BBC are up to their old tricks again, by reporting the news that Korean prosecutors are trying to enforce the old law against adultery by sending Ok So-ri to jail for boinking whomever she pleases; however, they did not balance out this portrait of Korea with descriptions of our beautiful landscape, praise for the Korean economic miracle of the 1970s and 1980s, or any mention of our success at the 2002 World Cup, or our beautiful Dok Islands.  I find this kind of unbalanced reporting inexcusable, and intend to call Reuters to task with a strongly worded letter to their ombudsman.  I suspect that we will discover, upon further investigation, that this news story was "leaked" to Reuters through dirty Chinese, as part of their international smear campaign meant to damage Korea's reputation internationally, in order to steal Baekdu Mountain from us, or simply another case of those two-faced Japanese showing their naked imperial aggression through propaganda.

Yes, some of Korea's detractors will say that "Wait!  This news is true!  How can you be upset that a News Agency reports the truth?"  And I would say, "It is also true that Korea has a 5000 year old culture, an ancient culture with deep family values, and that we have accomplished amazing things in the last fifty years, and Lee Hyori is hot, and kimchi and dog stew have made Korean men the most virile specimens of manhood in the world of men dependent on aphrodisiacs to get it up through the soju-induced alcohol haze. . . why are THESE things not reported as well?"  And what would my detractors say to that?  You should understand our culture more!

Some have said the best way to stop news agencies from reporting embarrassing stories like this about Korea is to establish a system of true social justice, to overhaul the judicial and educational institutions in Korea, eliminate human trafficking and corruption in our cities and positions of power, and reduce corporations' power to lobby for government favors through bribes; to them I just say, "Jesus, that sounds fu¢king hard.  Can't we just hide the bad stuff instead?"

On the bright side, international news agencies have not yet caught wind of this story and with luck, the great country of South Korea, that fortress of justice, democracy, and social advancement, will not be embarrassed by such dirty smears on our reputation.

Thursday 20 November 2008

Sweet! Another Excuse to Put Up Photos of T&A! Guest Editorial by the Classy Chosun Ilbo

Chosun Ilbo staff reporter.

God I love working in the News! It gives me so many opportunities to shove my camera up the skirts and down the shirts (and up the skirts again) of the world's hottest sexiest women! Another hot Korean woman gave me an excuse to scour the internet and press releases for sexy photos of hot chicks today, and buddy, boy do I love reporting the news! After three hours alone in my dark office researching, I am proud to report that some sexy Korean girl did something important.
She's probably famous, or about to be or something, but anyway, look at that rack! Those come hither eyes make me want to lose my journalistic objectivity! My telephoto lens is fully extended! I'd like to put my press credentials right in her. . . um. . . agent's hands . . . and request an interview (if you know what I mean). Yeah. It is sure an honor and a source of great pride for me to work for Korea's most objective, thorough and classy news source, the Chosun Ilbo.

This girl's name is Jarah Mariano. That's important to report, because you can Google her name or something if you want to know what she did and see more of her. . . um, credentials, or see more of her great pair profiles. Both my google and naver search pages are stuck on the "images" setting, and I can't get them off, so I couldn't find any text or information about her. . . but I highly recommend you, uh, look her up. She's a something something [ed: can you find some bio information to put in here if the article's too short as it is?]

It is days like this I am most happy about my job as a reporter for the Chosun Ilbo, that austere and respectable reporter of news in Korea: we even use hanja characters in our articles, to show everybody we are smart. We also have the greatest photography staff in the world, and the pictures we take and print, both in paper and online, are some of the finest examples of photography in the world.

It is my sincere hope that as I work at the Chosun Ilbo longer, I will be honored with an overseas assignment, to become an international correspondent if possible, so that I can hang around on beaches in foreign countries with a telephoto lens, take pictures of foreign girls in bikinis, and shove my camera up the skirts and down the tops of white women in Russia, Ukraine (I heard they're cheaper there), Europe, or even America. It is my firm belief that the one thing lacking in the Chosun Ilbo right now is a more extensive collection of pictures of sexy white foreign international women. It is my sincere wish to help my beloved paper strengthen its coverage in this one area of weakness. Truly then, I will have reached the highest pinnacle of quality journalism, and the Chosun Ilbo's reputation as the very standard of class and excellence in reporting will be unimpeachable!

(Speaking of peaches... how 'bout these ones?)

-Chosun Ilbo Staff

Tuesday 18 November 2008

Korea Unveils FIFTH Distinct Season: Take that, Japan! Boo-yah!

After the unbearable humiliation of having no more distinct seasons than most countries in the non-equatorial/arctic world, this week, Korean engineers and meteorologists are proud to roll out the latest great innovation in Korea's long string of proofs of our cultural superiority to Japan fu¢king everyone.

It is DokdoIsOurs' pleasure to be the first to introduce Korea' fifth season: after decades of intensive research, and the ruling out of "Yellow Dust Season" in spring as a legitimate fifth season, because it is too dependent on China, and those dirty, greasy-food eating bastards would probably re-forest the Gobi Desert if they realized it was helping Korea be awesomer than them.

Ladies and gentlemen, gaze in awe at the newest marvel of Korean culture and engineering: debuting on Monday November 17th, we proudly present to you, "Winter Two, Korean World Hub Of Winter"That's right.  Korea will now have a second, colder winter, along with the regular winter that shitholes other countries like Japan have.  It will be more winter than anything they have damnit!  And we'll ALWAYS have snow on our palace eaves, making them look more picturesque than some dumb forbidden palace in Beijing that's too big and isn't connected to nature and only has a piddly crappy mountain behind it for feng shui, instead of a badass mountain like Bukhansan.
Also, in Winter Two: Korean World Hub Of Winter, also known by its shorter name of, "Sexy Winter," inspired by the popular cultural imperialism tracer bullet/prototype exported TV Drama Winter Sonata, or Winter Love Song, starring Korea's most popular leading lady, Bae Yong-joon, people are only allowed to dress sexy, and act like they are in a fantasy world of TV Drama characters, romances, and love triangles. 
Most experts predict Koreans will have not trouble acclimating to the new Sexy Winter, because over the last few years, Korean fashion moguls have been working in concert with the Winter Two: Korean World Hub Of Winter team to help Koreans grow accustomed to the kinds of fashions that will be expected during Sexy Winter.
The Korean Military has also been involved in the build-up to the unveiling of Sexy Winter.

Most Koreans are very excited about the unveiling of Winter Two: Korean World Hub Of Winter.  Salaryman Choi Jung-hoon, said, "I always thought Russia and Canada kind of had a corner on Winter, with Norway somewhere in the top five... the fact that we've developed Winter Two before any of them is amazing!  Go Korea!  DAEHANMINGUK!"

Elementary schools around Korea have gotten in on the excitement as well, leading students in chants of "It's cold" and "It's cold" and also, "It's cold," every morning, before beginning classes, and instructing students in how to wear unzipped spring jackets and hot-pants during the dead of winters one AND two, in order to maximize opportunities to use that phrase, which has suddenly become a celebration of Korea's seasonal superiority to other countries.

Ikkik Ikinngut was beside himself with disappointment at Korea's developing Winter Two before Greenland.

"I just can't fu¢king believe it.  Can you imagine how many winters Greenland could have by now, though, if we had so many people to put on the job?  I mean, Jesus!  Fifty-five million, you know?  We've got about 58 000 people to develop new seasons over here, and most of those are just trying to think up new, more colorful ways to say, 'Fu¢k, I'm cold right now,' and 'look out for that ice'  This is a terrible day for Greenland.  Just terrible."

Icelander/pop singer Bjork also had something to say about Korea's new Winter Two: Korean World Hub of Winter: "It's cold like a swan and I dream I wonder if I could, then I would sail on a gel and crystal bathtub through a fiery aurora sky like Winter Two and also the feverish staaa-haaaars!"

DokdoIsOurs is pretty sure that means congratulations.

Leaders of several of Korea's nationalist groups are upset that the Sexy Winter development team didn't manage to incorporate seagulls into the new winter.

"How the hell is Winter Two: Korean World Hub of Winter" going to strengthen Korea's claim on Dokdo when there isn't a single thing about seagulls in this new Winter Two?  I don't think it serves any purpose at all," Park Bae-Gyung, lead singer of Minjok and the Pure-Bloods, a nationalist punk band, complained.

Ho Won-Joon, the King of Jeju Island, Korea's Hawaii, however, loved the new season.  "Hopefully this means there will also be two winter vacations; we expect winter tourism to double here on Jeju Island, thanks to Korea's unique culture of extra winters.  Our hotel and hospitality business owners are thrilled about this news.  Hopefully even with the increased traffic, people still won't notice that it actually isn't much warmer here than anywhere else in Korea during the winter.  But we have ponies."

Russia and Canada's ambassadors could not be reached for comment: sheer embarrassment, this reporter believes.

So far, the other Korean weather bloggers who have all suddenly appeared, have not picked up this story.  Hopefully, they will correct this omission promptly.

Thursday 13 November 2008

KOREA BEHIND JAPAN (and 106 other countries that don't matter) IN INTERNATIONAL GENDER GAP ASSESSMENT

In a day that Korea should rue for many years, Korea placed behind Japan in the International Gender Gap assessment again this year.

Even more humiliating, Korea's Gender Gap As Compared To Japan's Gender Gap is worsening: in 2007, Dirty Bastard Country* ranked 91st and Korea was 97th, a mere six places behind; this years, Korea was ranked 108th and Japan scored 98th: a full TEN places behind Korea.

This is obviously a trick played by the powerful international Japanese Lobby, who have plotted their nefarious campaign to steal Dokdo from Korea, rename the East Sea "Sea of Dirty Cocksuckers"* cut funding from VANK, and disparage Korea's culture, land, and economy at every chance. It seems these unapologetic Imperialists have twisted perception of Korea worldwide, and probably fed false information to international agencies, in order to perpetuate Korea's humiliation in being ranked BEHIND Japan in various world rankings.

(* in DokdoIsOurs' personal lexicon, these two idioms both mean Japan)

Jang Yunha, a Korean careerwoman who lost her job this year, replaced by a younger, cuter university graduate who couldn't type or work a calculator, but who put out and had "decent jugs," had this to say:

"Could you PLEASE stop focusing only on Japan and un-fu¢k this country?"

It is the professional opinion of DokdoIsOurs that she should leave the past in the past, learn to cook, make some babies, stop complaining, and remember her place.
(there's a reason Bune's got no mouth-hole, Ms. Jang.)

It is obvious that these kinds of lies are nothing more than manipulations by two-faced Japanese fabrication-mills, like the ministry of education and world map printers, and it is the patriotic duty of all Koreans to write letters and e-mails to every person on the planet, in order to correct these misperceptions of Korean culture.

Here are translations into numerous languages, of the text you ought to send, to random citizens of different countries, on your letter-writing campaign, in order to correct the world's mistaken view that Japan is better than Korea.

English: "Contrary to what you may have heard, Korea rocks, and Japan sucks balls."

Arabic: على عكس ما كنت قد سمعت ، هي كوريا واليابان المصات كبيرة كرات.

Bulgarian: Противно на това, което може да сте чули, Корея и Япония е супер гадно топки.

Chinese (simplified): 相反,你可能已经听说,韩国是日本大和吸收球。

Chinese (traditional): 相反,你可能已經聽說,韓國是日本大和吸收球。

Czech: Oproti tomu, co jste možná slyšeli, je veliká Koreu a Japonsko, smrdí koule.

Dutch: In tegenstelling tot wat u misschien wel eens gehoord, Korea en Japan is groot zuigt ballen.

French: Contrairement à ce que vous avez entendu mai, la Corée est grande et le Japon suce boules.

German: Im Gegensatz zu dem, was Sie gehört haben, Mai, Korea ist groß und Japan saugt Bälle.

Hebrew: ד למה ייתכן ששמעת, הוא נהדר קוריאה ויפן מבאס ביצים

Hindi: तुम क्या सुना है मई के विपरीत, कोरिया और जापान के महान गेंदों बेकार है.

Italian: Contrariamente a quanto potrebbe essere sentito, è grande la Corea e il Giappone succhia palle.

Japanese: あなたの耳にしていることに反して、韓国と日本のボールはとんでもない素晴らしいです。

Lithuanian: Skirtingai nuo to, ką jums gali būti girdėję, Pietų Korėja, yra didelis ir japonija sucks kamuolių.

Norwegian: I motsetning til hva du kanskje har hørt, Korea er stor og Japan suger baller.

Portugese: Ao contrário do que pode ter ouvido, a Coreia eo Japão é uma grande chatice bolas.

Russian: Вопреки тому, что вы слышали, Корее и Японии большое засасывает шаров.

Serbian: Насупрот ономе што су чули мај, Кореја и Јапан је велико срање лоптице.

Slovenian: V nasprotju s tem, kar ste morda slišali, Koreja je super in japonska zanič žoge.

Spanish: Contrariamente a lo que usted puede haber oído, es muy Corea y Japón chupa bolas.

Swedish: I motsats till vad du kanske har hört att Korea är stor och Japan suger bollar.

Ukrainian: Попри те, що ви чули, Кореї та Японії велике засмоктує куль.

Vietnamese: Ngược với những gì bạn có thể đã nghe nói, Hàn Quốc và Nhật Bản là lớn sucks bóng.

Tuesday 11 November 2008

Sing the Plucking Song with DokdoIsOurs

DokdoIsOurs is deep under cover working on a major investigative project...let this tide you over until he is safe and ready to publish his final expose on corrupt Korean fan-timer manufacturers and the evil misinformation campaign they use to line their own pockets.

Friday 7 November 2008

BARACK OBAMA IS KOREAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Likes Kimchi, too.)

This clip proves what DokdoIsOurs always suspected: Barack Obama is Korean -- who else could ever speak Korean so beautifully, so perfectly, unless his blood flowed with the spotless, pure blood of the Han Race!

(Ancient documents are still under construction, but irrefutable proof from the ancient archives will be produced soon to remove all doubt of Obama's true Han ancestry. Our best forgers archivists have taken a break from scientifically proving that Dokdo was populated with Han Korean dinosaurs, and are working on Barack Obama's genealogy as we speak.)

(More: He likes Dog, too!)

More notable Koreans (updated list):
(see also DokdoIsOurs' report on the obvious Korean-ness of Michael Phelps)

Albert Einstein
That Guy Who Invented Velcro
Winston Churchill
Hwang Woo-Suk
Mao Tse-Tung
Abraham Lincoln
Bruce Lee
Baekdu Mountain
Park Chan-Ho
Florence Nightingale
Kim Possible
The Statue of Liberty
Barry Bonds
Charlie Chaplin
The guy who eventually cures cancer. Whoever it is, we're taking him.
Judy Garland
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Wayne Gretzky
The Indian Ocean (after the East Sea, we'll start working on changing that to The Korean Ocean)
Every single fu¢king DC Comic superhero: the editors were racist and made them all white.
Louis Pasteur
Brad Pitt
NOT Paris Hilton
Adam Sandler

Wednesday 5 November 2008

Obama Wins; Huge Expat Migration Expected

America's first non-white president was elected today, and democrats everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief after eight years of being led by what some have called, "A fu¢king batshit crazy retard-baby". This is a momentous occasion that will be remembered as a great moment for America until he does something dumb.

Families and communities in America gathered to watch poll results and celebrate, or mourn the end of John McCain's presidential hopes.
Many, around the world, are have placed their hopes in a man rumored to be the sexiest president since Bill Clinton.

Though rumors to that effect are so far unconfirmed.

Terrorists around the world are smacking their lips, getting ready to eat Obama's chocolate nuts. (Get yours today.)

However, here in Korea, the Obama victory will have some surprising after-effects that some have not considered seriously, though they are a source of deep concern for many hagwon owners and others involved in the English education field.

"I finally feel like I can return to my country, now that that shit-for-brains pig-fetus of a puppet-president is on his way out," Jason Terry, an English teacher in Daejeon, told DokdoIsOurs.  "I know a dozen other teachers just in Daejeon who basically said they'd leave America until the atmosphere got a little better. . . count me one of them."

"So, now that Obama's on his way in, you'll be going back to the United States?" 

"Oh yes, definitely.  I want to be part of the new America I could visualize when I watched Barack Obama's speeches on YouTube."

"So will I," Ann Hussein Barton told DokdoIsOurs.  "It was just so awful being in America when the department of homeland security might have been listening to your phone calls, when the government seemed to want us to stay scared of another terror attack, when that knee-jerk, flag-waving, lying, flying atomic asshole was president -- a new president will be the breath of fresh air America needs, and I want to be a part of that."  Ann legally changed her name to Ann Hussein Barton during Mr. Obama's presidential campaign.
Hagwon owner Oh BaMa, who runs a medium-sized English school in Daechi-dong, expressed concern about the change in the wind in American politics.

"Two, maybe all three of the American teachers in my hagwon were here in self-imposed exile, until that monkey foreskin lick-and-sniffer got out of the oval office. . . I'm worried about the airfare and recruiting costs to bring new teachers in."

Fortunately for Mr. Oh, there might be a ready supply of teachers willing to take a job at his school.  Born-and-raised Republican Tyler Kernickel, from Missouri, doesn't particularly care to live in an America led by a "half-black Hawaiian Muslim appeasement-obsessed terrorist collaborator" -- "I was thinking I'd come to Korea and teach English as a guise for my missionary zeal, convert the country to Christianity, teach them to love America as much as I do, and make sure they hate gays, too, you know, if I have time."

DokdoIsOurs nodded attentively, not wishing to startle Tyler with too much information about his potential future home.  "I mean, if they don't have the good news yet, about capitalism and God and America and creation, Jesus would want me to come here, right?  I'm sure it won't take much effort before they love America as much as I do -- America's such a great country, it's a no-brainer!  USA! USA! USA! USA!"

He even makes bowling shoes look presidential.
Other than the tenor of the discussions around galbi, Mr. Oh expects a few other changes in the atmosphere at his hagwon, if his current Democrat employees are replaced by Republicans.

"We'll probably have to get rid of the fun Halloween parties, too, if we get those religious right folks -- you know, witchcraft and all. They might also be expecting a nativity scene for the Christmas party, instead of a Santa Claus gift handout.
"I guess I don't mind that too much, though it won't be as much fun for the kids. . . " Mr. Oh looked off into the distance.
"So, do you have confidence in an Obama presidency?"
"What kind of effect do you think Obama's presidency will have on world geopolitics?"
"I don't understand."
"How about Obama?"
"AAAAaaahh," Mr. Oh said.  "How about Obama!  I like him."

Even though they fu¢king love their country, most of the young Republicans DokdoIsOurs spoke with didn't seem too upset about leaving their home for a while, especially given that so many young Democrats had been forced to do the same during the presidency of George W. Bush, also known as the "pig-dog ass-bastard pirate-gigolo embarrassment of a world leader currently in possession of the Red Button" in some circles.  "God, I hope it's just a single term," Tyler Kernickel said, "You just can't understand how much I love my country!" he said, as his eyes teared up, and he dabbed them with an American flag kerchief.  In fact, most young Republicans' outlooks were surprisingly bright, given their candidate's sound defeat.

"I look forward to going to Korea," young Republican Brianne Maxwell said.  "I heard there are no Mexicans there."