Wednesday 5 November 2008

Obama Wins; Huge Expat Migration Expected

America's first non-white president was elected today, and democrats everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief after eight years of being led by what some have called, "A fu¢king batshit crazy retard-baby". This is a momentous occasion that will be remembered as a great moment for America until he does something dumb.

Families and communities in America gathered to watch poll results and celebrate, or mourn the end of John McCain's presidential hopes.
Many, around the world, are have placed their hopes in a man rumored to be the sexiest president since Bill Clinton.

Though rumors to that effect are so far unconfirmed.

Terrorists around the world are smacking their lips, getting ready to eat Obama's chocolate nuts. (Get yours today.)

However, here in Korea, the Obama victory will have some surprising after-effects that some have not considered seriously, though they are a source of deep concern for many hagwon owners and others involved in the English education field.

"I finally feel like I can return to my country, now that that shit-for-brains pig-fetus of a puppet-president is on his way out," Jason Terry, an English teacher in Daejeon, told DokdoIsOurs.  "I know a dozen other teachers just in Daejeon who basically said they'd leave America until the atmosphere got a little better. . . count me one of them."

"So, now that Obama's on his way in, you'll be going back to the United States?" 

"Oh yes, definitely.  I want to be part of the new America I could visualize when I watched Barack Obama's speeches on YouTube."

"So will I," Ann Hussein Barton told DokdoIsOurs.  "It was just so awful being in America when the department of homeland security might have been listening to your phone calls, when the government seemed to want us to stay scared of another terror attack, when that knee-jerk, flag-waving, lying, flying atomic asshole was president -- a new president will be the breath of fresh air America needs, and I want to be a part of that."  Ann legally changed her name to Ann Hussein Barton during Mr. Obama's presidential campaign.
Hagwon owner Oh BaMa, who runs a medium-sized English school in Daechi-dong, expressed concern about the change in the wind in American politics.

"Two, maybe all three of the American teachers in my hagwon were here in self-imposed exile, until that monkey foreskin lick-and-sniffer got out of the oval office. . . I'm worried about the airfare and recruiting costs to bring new teachers in."

Fortunately for Mr. Oh, there might be a ready supply of teachers willing to take a job at his school.  Born-and-raised Republican Tyler Kernickel, from Missouri, doesn't particularly care to live in an America led by a "half-black Hawaiian Muslim appeasement-obsessed terrorist collaborator" -- "I was thinking I'd come to Korea and teach English as a guise for my missionary zeal, convert the country to Christianity, teach them to love America as much as I do, and make sure they hate gays, too, you know, if I have time."

DokdoIsOurs nodded attentively, not wishing to startle Tyler with too much information about his potential future home.  "I mean, if they don't have the good news yet, about capitalism and God and America and creation, Jesus would want me to come here, right?  I'm sure it won't take much effort before they love America as much as I do -- America's such a great country, it's a no-brainer!  USA! USA! USA! USA!"

He even makes bowling shoes look presidential.
Other than the tenor of the discussions around galbi, Mr. Oh expects a few other changes in the atmosphere at his hagwon, if his current Democrat employees are replaced by Republicans.

"We'll probably have to get rid of the fun Halloween parties, too, if we get those religious right folks -- you know, witchcraft and all. They might also be expecting a nativity scene for the Christmas party, instead of a Santa Claus gift handout.
"I guess I don't mind that too much, though it won't be as much fun for the kids. . . " Mr. Oh looked off into the distance.
"So, do you have confidence in an Obama presidency?"
"What kind of effect do you think Obama's presidency will have on world geopolitics?"
"I don't understand."
"How about Obama?"
"AAAAaaahh," Mr. Oh said.  "How about Obama!  I like him."

Even though they fu¢king love their country, most of the young Republicans DokdoIsOurs spoke with didn't seem too upset about leaving their home for a while, especially given that so many young Democrats had been forced to do the same during the presidency of George W. Bush, also known as the "pig-dog ass-bastard pirate-gigolo embarrassment of a world leader currently in possession of the Red Button" in some circles.  "God, I hope it's just a single term," Tyler Kernickel said, "You just can't understand how much I love my country!" he said, as his eyes teared up, and he dabbed them with an American flag kerchief.  In fact, most young Republicans' outlooks were surprisingly bright, given their candidate's sound defeat.

"I look forward to going to Korea," young Republican Brianne Maxwell said.  "I heard there are no Mexicans there."


Mark Eaton said...

This is perhaps the most comprehensive and intelligent analysis of the US presidential election found today....maybe not yesterday or tomorrow....but today for sure!

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