Wednesday 30 July 2008

To Strengthen Land-Claim, Korea to build Dokdo Airport

The one-hundred percent, all Korean birds flying in the beautiful Korean skies above the lovely Korean Islands of Dokdo will soon have company.

Look out birds: you may soon be joined by jets.

Lacking a major engineering project to line his old Hyundai Construction friends' pockets in the wake of peaceful, happy, wonderful, harmonious candlelight demonstrations, during which 500 teenaged Korean men doing their military service accidentally injured themselves, where police violence destroyed over a hundred of their own police buses, but which convinced the dictator to loosen his Stalinist hold on Korea's national agenda by canceling his plan to build the "Like Chunggyechon, Except the Biggest-ass Motherfucking Chunggyecheon You've Like, Ever Even Seen, Man! Canal," Korean dictator Lee Myung-Bak is contemplating the construction of a "huge-ass airport" on the Korean Dok Islands in the East Sea, DokdoIsOurs has discovered.

"The construction of this airport would effectively end the Dokdo controversy, expand its potential for tourism, and really stick it in the eye of those sake-drinking cocksuckers to the East," No Pheok-Gyu, Korea's ambassador to Japan, said.

"It would be quite an engineering feat to build an airport there, out in the ocean -- not just in terms of setting the foundations right in the ocean, but also logistically, getting the materials out to the ocean where they'd be needed," Jong Hoo-Seop, a sociology professor at Seoul National University, said. No Korean engineering professors had comments when DokDoIsOurs contacted them.

To help with understanding the challenges of building the DokDo Airport, the Hyundai Korean National Department of Construction and Development has contacted Portugese engineers to learn more about their designs for the amazing Madeira Airport runway, built right over a beach, into a mountainside: similar terrain to Dokdo.

"We might model our airport on something like the Portugese have: a pillar-supported runway, and then either a floating airport, or a half-floating airport anchored to one of the Dokdo Islanda," Lee Mong-Chong, the head of the Hyundai Korean National Department of Construction and Development, said.

Professor Jeong Hoo-Seop was very excited about the project. "I predict that completion of this airport will lead Japan to realize at last the heinousness of all the lies and crimes they have committed against Korea in the past, to take responsibility, at long last, for war crimes, colonizations, and the rape of our daughters, as well as correction of historical distortions."

Pressed for a possible name, Mr. Lee Mong-chong mentioned that he favors, "In Your Face, Dirty Japs Airport," though other names are being considered, including "It's The East Sea Not The Sea Of Japan, Motherfuckers Airport," "Lick My Balls Japan Airport" and "Historical Distortion and War Crime Denial Airport." Mr. Lee also hinted about a domestic project in the works to tear down the hospitals, and pull up the railroad tracks and highways built by Japan during "the dark age of colonial aggression." Professor Jeong spends his weekends as a part-time tour guide for Japanese tourists in Insa-dong. ("Tip better than Koreans," he commented.)

Due to the size of runway needed to take tourist flights, a large part of the islands will probably need to be blasted away and leveled to a meter or two above sea level. "Blasting the islands will be easier than getting those concrete pillars right to the bottom of the sea," Ung Dong-hee, a high-level logistics engineer said. "It's unfortunate, but to bring Dokdo into the twenty-first century, and guarantee Korean ownership, it must be done.

Pollution in the waters around Dokdo, caused by building the airport, will probably kill most of the sea life around the island: a few hundred good Korean fisherman will probably lose their livelihood, as well as a few dirty Japanese illegal Korean fish-stealers; however, in the name of strengthening Korea's claim on Dokdo, we hope those fishers will hold their heads with pride as they starve to death for their country.

Monday 28 July 2008

Ask The Guy Who Wrote the English Raps on Jewelry's CD.

Hey baby I'm the hello. Maybe you're the see my song it's a wow yeah baby baby. Girl!

On the TV on the TV song and hear the shake it down. Sexy sexy sexy girl! I'm the thank you sexy DokdoIsOurs for give a watcha guest post yeah!

Break it break it down now sayin' I'm'a talk for sometimes you know it's a welcome to Korea! I have sometimes sometimes gonna guest-write DokdoIsOurs article you're the read it you're the read it and we happy good sexy time!

It's a my advice, it's a -it's a my advice to writing you're advices on the DokdoIsOurs sexy column!

It's the send it please to send it at yo DokdoIsOurs at gmail dat com send you sexy hot hot body e-mail and my can ana-ana-ana-answer to you question on DokdoIsOurs.

First one today sexy starting first question is for today:

"Dear Guy Who Wrote the English Raps on Jewelry's Latest CD

I'm a new English teacher in Korea. I was born in Vermont, and I like it a lot in Korea so far, but sometimes my students stick their hands together and try to jam their index fingers into my anus when I'm walking down the halls of my hogwan. This was very surprising to me, because kids in Vermont never do this. What is going on?

Harmony B"

Yo yo yo yo Halmoni-B! Grandma-B grandma-B got a sexy shake it ass and kiddie surprise finger yo yo granny-B surprise shake ya body sexy ass!

Halmoni yo your name mean Grandma in Korea talking baby sexy talking grandma baby watcha watcha want yo! Kiddies poke it's teacher bad (go teacher go teacher teacha teacha teachering my English class yo! Gang sign!)

Surprising teacher is Korean culture, you that's ddong-chim dadadadaddong-chim (chuh chuh) it's a many many happy kiddie play the game to the ddong-chim yo! If the ddong-chimmi cutie kiddie surprise to grandma teacher it's time for happy happy "don't do ddat partayy!"

Like yo just y'all makes singing "don't do ddat" song and shake ya sexy ass because can't poking in a shaking sexy ass so move ya body! Then say to the naughty naughty cra-jee kiddie stop to the finger pokey because you sexy teacher hot body lady teacher is respect with the bling to the all five fingers in Korea yo, and forget forget no don't forget you just remember it's like a cutie kid game to the in Korea man, so chill out yo take it easy and shake ya sexy sexy ass, hot granny lady!

Yo, peace! East Sea!

The Guy Who Wrote the English Raps on Jewelry's CD.

Friday 25 July 2008

Interview with Kang Han-Gwon, Korea's Champion Flag-Eater

You've seen his work: many of us have. He's been on national and international news networks, and his picture is copied and reproduced in many Korea-related discussions on the internet.

So why does Kang Han-Gwon complain of being misunderstood? Mr. Han sees himself as an artist, a practitioner of a new and exciting form of self-expression, yet he claims that his performance pieces are taken out of context time and time again, and he is mocked and ridiculed, having intentions ascribed to him that are nowhere near his actual purpose. "However," sighs Mr. Han, "It's common for artists to be misunderstood, especially when their medium is so new. I'm sure some day in the future, people will understand better what I've tried to do, when people like me are more culturally accepted."

It's time to meet Kang Han-Gwon, Korea's top, and only, Flag-Eater, face to face.

"It's not a common field of interest, I suppose -- but I've never been interested in normal pursuits," Mr. Kang explained in an exclusive interview with DokdoIsOurs, "Even when I was young, when most kids were picking wild grass to add un-nutritious bulk to the soup their families would eat during Korea's days of poverty, I would follow them, hit them, and steal their grass, rather than gathering my own -- my mother always commented that I had different ways of doing things.  After I graduated university and put my molotov cocktails aside, my mother wanted me to work in a big company, but that just didn't interest me.  I made my living by brokering sales of trade secrets between disgruntled Japanese salarymen or engineers, and Korean R&D departments -- you know, something off the beaten path.  I guess it just made sense for me to become a performance artist."

Flag-eating was not always Mr. Kang's form of artistic expression: it started off as a simple hobby, discovered by accident as he attempted to repair a shirt-cuff.  Rather than search for scissors, Mr. Kang chose to bite off the loose thread, and the moment the thread tickled the roof of his mouth, he knew he was onto something.  "There's something so calming about having a piece of cloth in my mouth," he says.  "At first it was like a shameful compulsion -- like biting fingernails or berating my wife, but after a while I decided to leave my shame behind and admit that cloth-eating is simply something I love to do.  Eventually I chose flags for three reasons: beautiful, bright colours, synthetic fabrics, which go down easier, and mostly, because my wife hated finding bite-holes in her clothes -- it made them unwearable -- but nobody wears flags to begin with, except at the FIFA World Cup, so I could eat my flags without getting into arguments with my wife."

From hobby to performance art was a step spurred in 2001 by a surprising source: when Takeru Kobiyashi, Japan's hot-dog speed-eating champion, made world headlines doubling the previous world record at Nathan's Coney Island Hot Dog eating contest, Kang realized that eating was becoming more than just a survival practice and a communal ritual: it was beginning also to be seen as an arena of competition.  "If dancing contests are gripping and exciting, dancing performances are transcendent art -- I wasn't much one for competition, so I chose to eat flags as an art-form instead.  Also, there weren't enough other Flag-Eaters to have competitions in those early days."

Unfortunately, the day Kang hoped Flag-Eating would finally come to the fore as an art form recognized the world over, fate had other plans. "There was an anti-Japan protest at the same time as the performance art festival in City Hall Plaza," Kang said. "I'd prepared a lovely piece I called 'The Rising Sun's Sweet Cherry Flavor,' using a Japanese flag and a Korean headband, which I'd planned to eat after finishing the Japanese flag -- it was even seasoned with sesame oil." However, Dokdo protestors had other ideas. 

Despite signs that clearly delineated the end of the protest and the beginning of the performance art festival, filled with enthusiastic animal-mutilaters ("Bestial!  That poor pig!  They had no refinement, but lots of passion," says Kang), dung-throwers, ("Funny, but no real thematic unity," Kang chuckled) and finger-choppers ("Those guys were crazy motherfu¢kers"), protestors misunderstood Kang's flag-biting as another kind of anti-Japanese protest. Cameras flashed, and Kang's heart, he says, "raced to the heavens," imagining that flag-biting would finally arrive as a legitimate art-form. His dismay, when the newspapers reported him as a protester, and not an artiste, was shattering.

Kang smiles ruefully when DokdoIsOurs shows him another photo.  "Here's another piece I did, a clever commentary I wanted to make about Chairman Mao's legacy and the rise of Chinese capitalism, inspired by lines from the Tao Te Ching and a translation of William Blake.  I'd even dyed my hair and lost some weight for the show.  Again, there was a protest on the same day as I'd scheduled my performance -- this time about some mountain in North Korea, I think.  Nobody understood my art then, and nobody understands it now."  Kang shakes his head.  "Fu¢king protestors.  So goddamn noisy."

Kang isn't angry that his intentions have been misunderstood by journalists, and hopes this interview will set the record straight.  He is a gentle, soft-spoken man, warm-hearted and wry.  For the interview, he invited DokdoIsOurs into his house, had his wife prepare a traditional Korean meal, and offered DokdoIsOurs his daughter.  "She's young.  Not a virgin, but quite pretty," Kang said, as his daughter blushed and looked at the floor.  She seemed to share her father's gentle sense of humor, and given a chance to chat with DokdoIsOurs, brightly asked, "Can you eat spicy food?" The father, Kang, is not so chipper.  His face saddens when he talks about the media's misunderstanding of his passion, but lights up when asked about the future prospects for Flag-Eating.

"It's finally starting to catch on, I think.  I've seen scenes of people cooking flags in some Muslim countries, though I prefer mine raw."
And there's a young lady also in Denmark -- her name is Hanne -- who prefers hers frozen.  I've written her a few letters, and I started a group on CYWorld for other Flag-Eaters, but she was locked out of joining, because she doesn't have a Korean ID number.  However, I hope that will not stop us from sharing our passion for Flag-Eating."

In the world scene, Danish flags are popular menu items, and so are American flags, as the Olympic hopeful Indonesian team here demonstrates in the March photo from a calendar they published to raise funds and Flag-Eating awareness:

Kang respects the Indonesian team's ambition, but criticizes their technique.

"It's like they're just holding on, not tearing at all.  Nylon-vinyl is tough, and you're not going to get a good mouthful just by nibbling," he says, with a real analyst's eye.
"Having a team, however, will help them improve their craft.  To be honest, it gets lonely sometimes for me, being the only Flag-Eater in Korea."

Kang enjoyed the American flag he ate, but notes, "I don't just do it for the flavor; this is my art as well.  I'm mostly sticking to Asian flags, to remind critics of the diversity in Flag-Eating.  I plan a piece called 'Mossy Ruins of Angkor Wat at Dawn' using a Laotian flag, for the fall.  Danish flags, though, those are just bloody delicious.  Even better than French flags!  Cooked, frozen, fried -- I eat those for the sheer pleasure."

Asked for his flag-eating dreams, Kang first muses about some kind of international event or festival.  "I don't really care where -- put it in Sydney, Tokyo or Paris -- a few other Flag-Eaters and I, we hoped to have a demonstration at the Beijing Olympics, but they rejected our visas," he said.  Until Flag-Eating is a recognized competition, Kang also has a few other personal Flag-Eating goals.

Sheepishly, he pulls two photos out of his wallet.  "I found these online, and, uh, I'd love to eat a flag like one of these, just once."
DokdoIsOurs looked at the photos (pictured above and below), nay, studied them intently, as if they held some key into the mind of this gentle, but passionate Flag-Eating aspirant.  Kang's daughter, too, gazed deeply at the photos, carried away by her gentle father's love for his art.  His commitment to an unknown art is touching, and a little sad, as the signs of aging body, teeth, and digestive tract begin to show: in all likelihood, he will not live to see the true blossoming of this performance art style, but the foundational work he has done will surely be remembered, and this reporter hopes that, at least, he could have some of these simple Flag-Eating fantasies fulfilled.

Monday 21 July 2008

Oh Shit! Japan Has Four Seasons Too

In another blatant attempt to encroach upon Korean sovereignty, dirty, two-faced Japan has attempted to cop yet another of Koreas great characteristics.  

In this survey, Japanese claimed one of the best things about Japan and the Japanese was the beautiful passage through four distinct seasons, when everybody knows that Korea fu¢king INVENTED seasons.  Next, they're going to try to claim that seasons were invented on Dokdo, and by extension claim seasons to be a Japanese invention, too.  Those dirty textbook-distorting backstabbers, everybody knows Dokdo is Ours.  We shall not have yet another piece of Korea's great heritage co-opted by dirty, pointy-chin, crooked teeth Japanese!

If the Japanese continue to claim four seasons as a great virtue of Japan, it shall be taken as an act of cultural aggression against Korea, and a revival of Japan's old militant colonial expansionism.  In that case, we shall have no choice, as our patriotic duty, to stand outside the Japanese embassy and shout bad words, and crap on Japanese flags, in order to remind Japanese that we, Koreans, have four seasons way better than their dumb seasons, and our heritage and culture are far superior to theirs.

In other news, Korean engineers at Seoul National University declare themselves on the cusp of inventing a fifth season, which shall be exclusively for the use of Koreans, and which we certainly won't share with any fu¢king Japanese!

Korean Middle School To Implement Foreign Teacher's Recommendation

Foreign Teacher Vivian Traces 

A Korean Public Middle School in Daechi district of Southern Seoul has decided to follow the recommendation of their foreign teacher, Vivian Traces.

"Beebeean have to been a teacher here since two years now, and we're very happy with the her," said Han MinCheol, the academic director of Daechi DaeHan Middle School. "There are times when her suggestions are unusual for Korean school, but this time, we thought it was time to follow her advice."

Kang PyungSeh, the school's principal, told DokdoIsOurs, through an interpreter, "In Korea's five-thousand year history, we hope true global interactions like this shall become the rule, rather than the exception, leading Korea to its rightful place as a leader and Hub of Nations around the world. Truly, we are opening up, and learning from all nations, in order to make our beautiful country a jewel in Asia's crown."

Vivian herself was a little flushed at the time of interview, and shook her head a lot, as if in some kind of disbelief. "I've been going to these meetings for two years now, and they mostly talk Korean. Then about once a meeting they ask me a question and I answer, and then they talk in Korean more. JiMin sits beside me and sometimes she whispers what they're speaking about to me. They don't listen to her very much, either." Though she has attended twenty-six of these monthly meetings now, Vivian says they have always been almost completely held in Korean.

"I have a great apartment, so I'm not going to complain much, you know? I live right above a Joe Sandwich, and they remember my usual order there. It's a good school, and the kids are cute." Vivian has a PDP in Elementary School Education from Queens University in Kingston, Canada.

"She didn't even realize the board decided to follow her advice until after the meeting finished, because they were speaking in Korean -- I had to tell her. She didn't seem too impressed," Choi JiMin, Vivian's teaching partner told DokdoIsOurs on the scene. "I could have told her during the meeting, if I wanted, because the older, male teachers usually do most of the talking and decision making on curriculum and strategy, but I decided to wait until after, so I could invite her out for some celebratory Baskin Robbins," Ms. Choi said, and looked over her shoulder to see if Ms. Traces had already left.

Asked how often she is asked to make suggestions or recommendations, Vivian, who graduated at the top of her education class and edited the student-published education department newsletter, said, "About once or twice a meeting they ask me what I think, mostly just to justify why I'm here, so that Chairman Park can leer at me," she said, and surreptitiously nodded toward an older gentleman in a suit, who at that moment was looking fondly at their teacher of the hour.

And what was the matter of her first-ever to be implemented recommendation? "They always shoot down the suggestions I offer from what I learned in teacher's college, as T.A. for Dr. Joanne Brexler, one of North-America's top Teaching EFL Scholars," Vivian said, "So when they asked me what we could do to get students to speak up more in class, and feel more comfortable with English, I just said, 'More tests'. Fu¢king bullshit." Ms. Traces then abruptly ended the interview and left the staff room, not partaking in the coffee social kindly provided by the Middle School's Principal, followed quickly by Choi JiMin, her co-teacher, who left the room shouting, "BeeBeeAnn! Wait!"

Now without his interpreter, Principal Kang PyungSeh came for a second interview, greeting DokdoIsOurs with a jovial, "How long you been Korea?" but DokdoIsOurs had an urgent call to another location. "Do you know Kimchi?" the kind principal said to DokdoIsOurs' intrepid, disappearing back.