Wednesday 23 December 2009

Explaining Korean Culture to Foreigners: You know Korean Culture better than you think!

Hello Everyone. Everybody is always asks me to explain Korean culture to them. But really, they already know Korean culture: just they don't realize it! Here are some short videos to explain how things that are already familiar to them actually belong to Korea:

We plan to start asking for royalties in 2011, and start a new promotion: "Visit Korea: Your True Home" Year for the year 2012-2018.

special thanks to the scholars on Youtube.

Tuesday 22 December 2009

Lee MyungBak: Multicultural Korea Welcomes Everyone -- "Even Darkies"

In conjunction with recent efforts to re-brand and globalize different aspects of Korean society, Korean president Lee Myung-bak made a stirring speech on Monday, inviting the diverse peoples living in Korea to participate actively in Korean society.

"We want to welcome all different people to join in making Korea great. Even darkies." President Lee Myung-bak said. "These days there have been some controversies about foreigners in Korea, and blatant racism, for example assaults on city buses; however, we want to make it clear that that guy won his case, and therefore Korea is now safe for foreigners to visit, without absolutely no risk of harassment.

"The fact is, we need foreigners these days: now that the birthrate is so low, we need people from inferior countries to work the jobs that are looked down upon, in order to prop up our economy and birthrate, and help our country remain superior to the home countries of those factory workers and foreign brides. Maintaining our standing as one of the world's developed nation means so much to us that we are even willing to sully the pure Korean bloodline in order to maintain it.

"Toward this end, we welcome any strong-backed male who does not wish to marry Korean women -- especially eunuchs, but even darkies -- as well as any non-Korean woman who is willing to marry a Korean man, and we leave the type of woman we welcome entirely up to the discretion of the Korean men, to choose whom they like, and turn up their noses at those they dislike. So probably no fatties.

You're especially welcome if you win a superbowl.

"We welcome your dirty-blooded mixed children into our factories, and we look forward to them playing an important role in Korean society, as building security guards, as trash collectors and gum-vendors, taxi and hogwan bus-drivers, and as sweet-hearted idiot sports team mascots, once the current generation of seniors, who currently play those roles, die off. We welcome the Western investor's money, we welcome the English teacher's... blue eyes... tank tops... and... grammar corrections... as well as the money their drug and HIV testing fees bring in. Yeah. We guess we appreciate those.

Yes," and here Lee Myung-bak stepped out from behind his podium, raising his hands above his heads. "We welcome wops, mics, honkies, mungs, gooks, jerries, frogs, rag-heads, darkies, wiggers, and mutts of any kind ... but not japs. Unless they're tourists with their wallets open. We welcome you all to Korea: a truly modern, open society!"

The press room stood and applauded, both for the president, and for Korea's future, as home for the full rainbow of inferior races, ready to be exploited for the benefit of the motherland.

Sunday 20 December 2009

Guest Editorial from The Korea Times' Leaky Frappucino Cap

Setting the Record Straight

Starbucks Korea has recently learned about some "misunderstandings" regarding our line of to-go drinks, and our frappucino caps in particular.

Rather than name names or nitpick about the exact details, we would like to take a moment to explain ourselves. First of all, our Frappucino has its own good reasons for being leaky. In fact, to defend himself, in his own words, here is our frappucino himself.

"Hi. I'm a bottled Starbucks Frappucino. I'm so fresh I should be called bottled Freshuccino. I know that people have been blaming me for a lot of bad stuff, like soiling the pants of my golfing drinkers, or inconveniently, but seriously, nobody understands me. Listen, do you know what I've been through before you drink me down and toss me away, in a tawdry "Whappuccino, bappuccino, thank you frappuccino"? I live a hard life. My drinky goodness is heated to crazy hot temperatures in a horrific process called "pasteurization" -- believe me, for packaged drinks, pasteurization is like military service for Korean men: we're never the same again. Then, the lid is jammed clumsily onto me, by a big machine that doesn't even introduce itself. Those of us who don't survive pasteurization and bottling have our shattered wrecks brushed aside and left on the assembly line floor, like a warning to the rest of us. Being crammed in a box with more of my kind, shipped in the dark, stored in the cold, and then drunk and discarded: seriously, we could go for a little sympathy, instead of a bunch of whining that we're a bit leaky. You'd be leaky, too.

Plus, my parents never loved me.

So next time your frappucino bottle leaks on your gym shorts, instead of swearing and cursing me, why don't you slow down, take a look at me, and maybe offer up a little TLC, or some sympathy. It might not mean a lot to you, but after the crappy life I've had, I'm about to go hide on a beach somewhere to cut someone's foot. And it'd be your fault."

The Korea Times: there might be a rapist at work in your neighborhood, but Demi Moore just got plastic surgery.

How about our new slogan?

Wednesday 16 December 2009

Setting The Record Straight

ht: The Artist Formerly Known As Korea Beat

Setting the Record Straight Part II: We Demand To Be Taken Seriously
(read part 1)

By Oh Young-jin
City Editor

Despite our best Jedi Mind Trick of telling our readers that we're a good paper, because we say we're a good paper, certain "misunderstandings" about The Korea Times persist, regarding our coverage of news in general, and English teachers and celebrities in particular.

Rather than nitpick over the contents of articles seem to be the basis for expat criticism, rather than defend point-by-point the stories we have found compelling and vital to report, for example pictures of Tiger Woods' pornstar girlfriends, and to-the-minute coverage on which western and Korean stars will have onscreen kisses or pose nude, we would like to share with our readers some principles this newspaper operates by.

Above all, we believe that a newspaper is a marketplace. In other words, to get more hits and increase our advertising revenue, we must try to publish hard-hitting news that random googlers and Koreaphiles might want to read. We emphasize the word, "try," because it is hard these days to steal trashy hits from Perez Hilton, or classy hits from The New York Times. The objectivity in news coverage can be a matter of subjectivity from the perspective of the parties directly involved in a given perspective, and subjective perspectives of objective subjects can be uncoverable in objective coverage, subjectively. After all, journalists are only human.

Our journalists believe the size of Keira Knightley's breasts is an important issuer for many of our readers, and the possibility Keira posing nude is important for Korean culture, even though he does not have the large breasts Koreans traditionally expect in foreign men. It is important that this is the first time he will appear nude other than in Domino, Edge of Love, The Hole, and Silk, and the cover of Vanity Fair Similarly, our audiences want to know what Sharon Stone looks like without makeup, even if some "bloggers" think this is just filler. What will they think when we publish next month's Before and After Plastic Surgery photo series?

More to the point, something happens, and it seems like a good story, and we received it by e-mail from another source which has its own webpage, our extensive vetting process has been completed, and if it seems like it will attract readers, it is our duty as a news organization to publish it. We fail to see how readers cannot understand that. Mark our words: in two weeks, when the whole world is buzzing about the 500-Year-Old Alien Graveyard found in Rwanda, The Korea Times will be on everyone's lips, as the first legitimate source to break the story after the Weekly World' News's in depth feature (stay tuned for a weekly column about Korea from Bat Boy). It is our duty, as a socially responsible paper, to attempt to turn the tide against out-of-control feminism in Korea: 115th in the Gender Empowerment Measure is twentieth from the bottom of the list, but we believe Korea is capable of beating out ALL other countries in the race to be number one. Screw you, Burkina-Faso!

Some have also criticized The Korea Times for its proofreading and editing; however, Bonzo the chimp wishes you to know that he works tirelessly to present articles that are flawless, in his mind. We know how to spell salaciuss as well as the next guy.

We believe that we must respond to allegations that our quality has been sliding lately, now that our advertising sponsors have contacted us. It is time to reassert our credibility as a news agency, by telling you that we are credible, and to reassert our professionalism by telling you that we are proffesioanll. Now we can send a copy of this article to our advertisers, to reassure them. After all, if it's in a newspaper, it must be right.

If you can find another news source that is more reigorus in fact checking and proofreading than we are, that is more eager to print corrections (of our readers) when they are found to be in error, we would like to hear about them: after phoning the head of Anti-English Spectrum, and sending unanswered text messages to Korean immigrants living in the towns that are headquarters to the world's most prestigious news sources, we have not heard report of one paper that is more rigorous or pfrofsesionar than we are. In fact, we appear to be in the top one percentile in a random survey of Korea Times staff members.

We have made extra effort to endure that our agendas are not hidden. How can you accuse us of having hidden agendas? We have foreign employees who check all our articles for integrity, authenticity, and verifiability. It's hard for Emma, whose father works for the British Embassy, to get all that work done after school, but she is well compensated for it, and if you cannot see the fruit of her work, you are not looking hard enough: we looked bloody hard to find cops who would say 90% of English teachers used marijuana; you could at least do us the courtesy of looking equally hard for fairness and correctness in our reporting.

Importantly, The Korea Times keeps its doors open to any suggestion, believing that the newspaper business is a two-way street; our role is not just the provider of news but the recipient of reactions. This is why we have opened up our pages to free content feedback from readers numerous times, though of course we sometimes cannot print your letters, if they are not positive. Sometimes instead we must write an editorial like this to correct your wrong perception of us. Please understand our situation.

We have tried to help you, poor foreigners. We know you are lonely and frustrated because you're basically retard-babies stumbling around Korea like assholes. We have reached out to you as kindly as we can, and we have tried to put you in our shoes, but stop being so sensitive, just because our articles have been enabling anti-foreign bias in English-reading Koreans... who really cares about that anyway: the real racists are the ones who can't read or speak English at all, so why don't you chill out, and if you don't want to take us seriously, you can go home.

Finally, you must understand that, with a recent bill proposing to increase funding for English language papers in Korea, we feel that we could best serve the English language community in Korea by definitively proving the NEED for such increased funding, by presenting the crappiest, least credible "window for the world to Korea" we can, in order to get more funding, and be able to offer better coverage.

If you have problems with this, or any other article at The Korea Times, you can write any of the editoral staff at our e-mail addresses, as below:

Monday 14 December 2009

Shopkeeper's Mind Blown Upon Discovering There Are Four Christmas Songs

Shopkeeper Ha Jung-mi, manager of an Olive Young cosmetics franchise, had to close down her shop and take three days off for "mental recovery" after having her mind blown. The 41 year-old small business owner was putting together a playlist CD for her shop speaker system.

"I had a great playlist. It might have been the most complete and comprehensive playlist of Christmas music ever made. It went like this:

All I want for Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey
Last Christmas - Rain
O Holy Night - DBSK and Boa
Last Christmas - Once Again and Ju Bora
All I want for Christmas is You - from Love Actually
Last Christmas - George Michael and Wham!
All I Want for Christmas is You - Jang Dong Won (see above)
Last Christmas - BoA
O Holy Night - Fly To The Sky
Last Christmas - Rumblefish
All I Want for Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey
Last Christmas - (instrumental)
Last Christmas + All I Want for Christmas is You Medley (by jared leto)
O Holy Night - Mariah Carey
All I want for Christmas Is You - K-pop Disco Version

But then, Jung-mi did a search online for another version of O Holy Night, to round out her playlist and balance all the "Last Christmas"es, and, as she says,

"My whole world started wavering... it turns out there are actually FOUR Christmas songs, not just three -- that's 33% more than I ever realized! Can you imagine if you suddenly discovered you were making 33% more profit than you'd realized? Can you imagine if you discovered you had 33% more hand-lotions and facial creams in your storage room? It'd be a huge party!"

Jung-mi had discovered another Christmas song. As word spreads, all of Korea is rocking with this shocking discovery.

"I had no idea there was this other Christmas song: it turns out that to fill out their last Christmas album, TVXQ/DBSK/Dongbangshingi actually wrote this other song, called "Silent Night" -- it's quite pretty, actually. I'm just so amazed, I mean, they could have just filled in the rest of their Christmas album by doing 'All I Want for Christmas is You' or 'Last Christmas,' or maybe some instrumentals and remixes of "O Holy Night," but instead they went and wrote this whole other Christmas song!"

And what does Jung-mi think of this new Christmas song?

"Well, it's pretty, but "All I Want for Christmas" and especially "Last Christmas" are just much older songs, so in my opinion they have more deep feeling than this 'silent night' ditty. However, as time goes by, it may join the ranks of those Christmas classics, and become more meaningful."

It may, it may. And the world will have Dongbangshingi to thank for bringing so much to Christmas music, and contributing to all our holiday spirits.

PS: every cover of Last Christmas. You can thank me later, Korea

Haha Geureat Kechupi page six is arrive.

Thank to Chris Packe for page six. And now go reading!

Thursday 10 December 2009

Prioritized List: How to Help Foreigners Adjust to Life In Korea

Note: the higher the item is on the list, the more important we believe it is in helping expats adjust to Korean life.

For more information, see article.

Top Priority: in the brochure:

Tie: 1. make kimchi; Korea has four seasons; can you eat spicy food?; visit palaces; dokdo belongs to Korea, Hangul is the greatest alphabet in the history of anything
2. dokdo belongs to Korea
3. fold paper into animal shapes (NOT origami)
4. class in Korean poetry
5. Japan is bad
6. learn the Dangun myth; did we mention Hangul is great?
7. make more kimchi, and cooking other Korean dishes to please your husband

Second level: digging deeper

8. Korea is 5000 years old
9. Korean family values are better than yours
10. make Korean folding screens
11. learn types of Korean samul-nori drums, and how to play janggu
12. beauty of Hanbok
13. making hanbok
14. dancing in hanbok
15. history of Korean war and hating America

Third level: How long have you been here? You're practically Korean!

16. how to please Korean husband
17. you must have done something to make him hit you
18. knowing your proper place
19. submit to mother-in-law
20. why are you bad, disobedient wife and daughter-in-law?
21. visiting filming sites of Korean Wave dramas and movies
22. how to eat spicy food
23. reasons to hate Japan
24. Samsung is better than Sony
25. why you got quoted a higher first price than that Korean guy
26. make more kimchi
27. health benefits of kimchi
28. history of kimchi
29. Korean pride of kimchi
30. whew! I think I need to make more kimchi after all that
31. get photographed making kimchi
32. make a half-korean baby

Fourth level: filling in the corners, explaining the nuances

33. he was drunk and he probably had a hard life. He didn't know what he was doing
34. language class: how to say nice things about Korea
35. we don't like talking about North Korea
36. (if female) be on Misuda
37. why your darker south-asian skin is bad
38. how to pleasantly accept our condescending behavior toward you
39. getting a bank account and credit card
40. more about that old guy who smells funny and keeps approaching you in the street
41. why being foreign means you don't deserve the more convenient phone plan
42. Korean language: how to bad-mouth English teachers and Japan
43. why your baby is not Korean enough

Fifth level: well fine, since you keep asking

44. finding an apartment
45. things to expect from your mother-in-law once you bear her son's child
46. things to expect from your husband once you bear his child
47. homeschooling options because your baby is half-korean 왕따 (outcast) in school
48. make kimchi
49. reasons to hate Japan
50. how to hide the shame that you're not Korean from your daughter's classmates' mothers
51. Korean language lessons (polite conversation)

Sixth level: You're going to have to ask another foreigner. We've got nothing about that, and we doubt it actually happens

52. how not to get beat up when seen in public with a Korean female
53. how to prove you're not a Russian whore before admittance into a hospital
54. where to get legal advice about exploitative employer
55. how to help my kid speak better Korean
56. resolving landlord disputes
57. contacting rape help center
58. why being assaulted was your fault
59. Korean women are very beautiful
60. contacting your country's embassy
61. how to leave undesirable job situation
62. how to report domestic abuse to police
63. make more kimchi
64. contact Korean Human Rights agencies
65. dokdo belongs to Korea
66. your legal rights in Korea
67. Korean language lessons (explain your complaint to the police)
68. blood-money should be enough to satisfy you
69. location of shelters and welfare groups for battered women
70. divorce abusive husband
71. escape from human traffickers
72. Korean language lessons (refuse to be strong-armed by police into dropping charges)

Tuesday 1 December 2009

Repeal of Law Against Promising Marriage for Sex Will Unravel Our Nation's Moral Fiber

(don't forget: claim your pages for Deo Geuraeteu Kechupi Ploject)

I'm a good Korean man. I paid my dues as a Korean male: I downed shots at my managers' orders, and waited my turn to force other entry-level workers to drink until they couldn't move. I forced my wife to quit her job like a dutiful bread-winner would, and I conscientiously cover my tracks when I go whoring, in order to avoid shaming my wife. I gave a false name to that Philippino lady, so that she'll never be able to track me down for paternity payments after I nailed her without a condom for that week I went on a golfing vacation, so that my family's will not be dishonored.

And it is because of my strong family values that I am upset, nay, shocked, that the Constitutional Court has repealed the law that punishes men for promising marriage in order to get women to have sex.

You see, first of all, the kind of men who do this deserve to be punished: they have their social order all mixed up. Everybody knows that the fun girls who are sex partners don't need promises of marriage to put out: just a bit of alcohol and flattery, or some money. If men are dumb enough not to be able to differentiate the "Good Marriage Prospect" girls from the "Fun Time Easy Girls," here are some tips they can follow:

1. If her skirt is below mid-thigh, she is unlikely to be a fun-time girl.
2. If she is backlit by a room full of purple lights, and sitting in a window on a stool, she is a fun-time girl.
3. If you met her in church, she is... probably not... a fun-time girl.
4. If she wants you to meet her parents, she is a marriage prospect.
5. If she is in high school, and you met her online, she is a fun-time girl.

Any man who cannot tell who are fun-time girls and who are not, is a darn fool... or he is simply too cheap to follow the natural order of Korean society, and pay for sex from the proper class of female. He should indeed be punished for trying to get things for free, by trying to make a fun-time girl think he considers her a good marriage prospect. This law blurs the line between the different classes of girls, and will lead to social chaos.

If we allow men to lure women into bed by promising marriage, imagine the kind of society we will have! Rich young men will drive down the street, leering out their car windows and proposing marriage to any girl they see. Those poor ignorant females will not know who is sincere and who is lying, and the lure of their fancy cars will blind them to their normal common sense. Respectable young ladies will be besmirched, rather than just the easy fun-time sex partners, and soon there will be no pure virgins for men to marry, after they have had their fun boinking the fun-time girls.

Next, those goodwives, who used to know their place, will want to keep working after they have babies, and may stop being satisfied with brand name fixations and Korean Television Dramas, those mind-numbing opiates that have kept them from eclipsing men in Korean society so far. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it! If the family goes topsy-turvy, next kids without academic talent might choose to go into useful skilled trades, instead of failing ultra-competitive tests, time and time again. They might start wanting to live alone, or make dating, education, or work choices that make them independent and happy, rather than choosing the options that give their parents optimum bragging rights. Confucius' Bones! What is the world coming to!

The Ministry of Gender Equality must act immediately to restore Korea's social order and family values, so that the different calibers of women remain in their proper spheres, and the good looking and well-educated men of Korea can continue browbeating their proper wives into quitting their jobs after they have babies, and putting their educations and career potentials where they belong: on the shelf.

Fortunately, there are still a few lies that are illegal to tell, when trying to lure a Korean woman into bed.

1. I'll pay you when we're done. (better not lie: pay what was promised)
2. This is my Equus, not my father's.
3. No, I'm sure it's legal at your age.
4. Don't worry: it's perfectly safe to ride behind me without a helmet. I'm an excellent scooter driver.
5. My father's the owner: that's why I'm doing deliveries for this restaurant.
6. I think that English teacher dropped something in your drink.
7. Don't make that face: it grows when it gets hard. (yes, I went there)

If these lies also become legal, it will be utter chaos in Korea!

As a Public Service Announcement, you should know that it is, however, legal to seduce a woman by saying:
1. "No, no. These cocktails are no stronger than the beer I'm drinking."
2. "I'm just bringing you to this motel so you can sleep it off."

Saturday 28 November 2009

Introducing The Great Gatsby Project

Dear Readers:

I have been inspired.

You see, between the LOLCATS Bible translating the bible into LOLCat speak, and Koreangov's new blog, which demonstrates the amazing skill of writing English that has obviously been translated from Korean, even when it actually hasn't, it is time to try a bit of our own, here at Dokdo Is Ours.

I would like to introduce to you "Deo Geureat Kechupi Ploject," a collaborative effort to translate F. Scott Fitzgerald's immortal classic "The Great Gatsby" into that charming dialect of English that comes of translating Korean into English. Badly.

However, seeing as I have a job and stuff, I can't do it all alone, so over at Deo Geureat Kechupi Ploject, you can claim a page of the book for your own, and try to write a funnier mis-translation than I can. Send an e-mail to dokdoisours at gmail dot com to claim a page: we're using pages as numbered in this version of the book, and watch as the entire book gets published in mistranslationese. I'll name the translator on each page (if they wish to be named), and here at DIO, we dare you to write a page of a classic novel, in a style funnier than KoreanGov's blog. We triple-dog-dare you. That's right, readers: you've enjoyed reading this blog for a while, and we're glad about that. But here's your chance to add to the joy that is satirizing Korea, by sending in your own page, and contributing to this great project.

At the end, if the response is good, we'll have an online vote for the funniest page of mistranslation, with possible prizes to be won, and lots of honor and glory to be had as well!

Stay tuned for page one, which yours truly has claimed.... if you want to join in the fun, send me an e-mail, and I'll give you a page number, or you can ask for your own, and if it hasn't been claimed already, it's yours.

So get in there!

Thursday 26 November 2009

In The Style Ask The Expat's Troll Would Prefer

A shrewd, and insightful anus-nymous writer over at Ask The Expat has graced us with a question as insightful as any aphorism in the Tao Te Ching.

From the golden pen, the glorious keyboard, of Analnymous, comes the questions:

"Why are you dick bloggers such arrogant dicks? No one cares what you dicks think."


As a blogger myself, this sage question has gotten me to thinking about how I blog, so it's time to introduce a non-arrogant dick blog, who writes exactly in the way anus-nymous purportedly wants.

I'll choose a typical topic, to get warmed up.

Hi there my obviously smarter than me even though I've never heard of you readers. The topic I would like to write about today, if it doesn't bother you all too much, and especially if it doesn't make me come across as an arrogant dick, I'd like to not be TOO wrong about Korea's test culture.

As you can see much better than I can, all you people who have been here longer, write better, are humbler, and smarter, have better grammar, and know more about Korea than I do, Korea's education, if I dare say, is different from you knew it in North America... I hope I haven't offended any of you by writing for the large number of my readers who ARE from North America, you specifically may not be.

Now, Korea has a test culture. While I don't know much about it, I do know that I am an ignoramus. Also, Koreans like tests. A lot of tests. Really, I'm nervous to say anything more than that, for fear that I reveal my stupidity. Honestly, I wish I weren't such an egomaniac, so focused on promoting my ideas. I swallow my words, and honestly, the main thing I want to do is just hand this blog over to anonymous people.

You see, as I think about it more, it is way, way more honorable to lurk silently online, to anonymously read the stuff another person works to write, and call it crap, and disparage the characters of those who write them. Really, they are so brave to not write anything of their own -- it must be taken as a sign of true honor that they value their words too highly to spread them meaninglessly on the internet. Frankly, the amount of disdain they pile on our blogs, despite the time and effort we put into them, only shows how much cooler they are than us: too cool even to have their own blog, where they talk about their own, way awesomer ideas than ours. Really, offering up real names and standing by those names is for saps. User IDs and recognizable identification is simply a cop-out for those of us too lame to remain nameless. I can't believe some bloggers don't allow anonymous commenters to comment on their blogs. How lame.

Anyway, I just wish I had people as smart as Anus-nymous, who is probably a ninja, calling me a dick on MY blog, because I could sure use the humbling experience. It would also save him the time of writing his own blog, if he just came and shat on the comment board of my blog. That would be great. I'd even feel cool by association just by having him put his smart stuff on my comment boards.

Monday 23 November 2009

Initial Brainstorming Session for "Scent of Korea in a Bottle"

After traveling to Korea and following his nose around, Francois Demachy, a Christian Dior perfumer, has announced his intention to create a fragrance evocative of Korea's unique landascape.

Here is the initial list of distinctive smells he jotted down in his notepad, before beginning the process of elimination, along with an X beside the smells he ruled out.

garlic X

Jeju Island oranges

stylish women wearing three brand-name fragrances at a time X

raw sewage from storm drains X

rapid industrialization (smells a bit like engine oil) X


destruction of wetlands X

soju hangover X

hobo fights in Tapgol Park X

sesame leaf X

makkeolli burps X

mountain rose (mugunghwa)

Louis Vuitton handbags X

Louis Vuitton fakes X


bbundaegi (silkworm larvae) X

national pride (smells like roasted peacock turds; as a Frenchman, it took him a while to identify) X

vomit on sidewalks X

garlic X

old men with soju and dried squid breath X

recycled side dishes X

dokdo (smells like seagull shit) X

garlic X

bulgogi farts X

the restauranteur who ripped him off X (one of the last to be eliminated)

garlic X

cherry blossoms

street food X


street vendors X

dwenjang jigae X

instant coffee


street people X

kids who believe washing their hair will make them fail the test X

kimchi farts X

car exhaust from assholes driving their mercedes' around just to be stared at X

do you know chunggyecheon?


Friday 20 November 2009

Transcript: How Lee Myung-bak Imagined His Lunch with Barack Obama Would Go

Balack Obamer: . . . so then I told the President of Japan, "If you call Dokdo 'Takashima' again, I'll nuke Hiroshima a second time, bitch! He cried like a war crime-victim and signed an apology in full to the comfort women including financial reparations, and signed over Dokdo to Korea... he even threw Tsushima-- that's Daemado now -- in for free, just because he felt bad.

LMB: Ah. Your anecdotes bore me, Mr. Obama. Please, let's talk about the Free Trade Agreement.

BO: Yes, yes. You know, my wife Michelle bought a Hyundai during our campaign, and we've been so impressed by its performance that we've decided to give Korea unfettered access to the American market, and to stop trying to export cars and phones to Korea: we understand that Korea is very small, and has many people, so it's very competitive, so there's no need to clutter the Korean market with inferior American cars. You won't have to worry about that anymore. We might close down GM entirely, or let KIA take it over.

LMB: I will only accept those terms if you insist that all computers in The United States reverts to Internet Explorer 6.

BO: Done! Oh dear lord! What is this fiery, spicy vegetable side dish? My mouth is burning like fire!

LMB: Aha! I was wondering when you were going to ask about that.

BO: Please! Don't keep me in suspense!

LMB: It's kimchi! Frankly speaking, it's Korea's signature dish!

BO: Ooh! What was that clever turn of phrase you just used?

LMB: Do you mean... frankly speaking?

BO: Yes! Yes! I really like that! I'll use that more often in my own daily conversations from now on. Please, can you tell me more about kimchi? How many different kinds of kimchi are there?

LMB: Well, there IS some debate on that point. Without factoring in regional variations and family recipes, there are at least a hundred types of kimchi.

BO: I want to try them all!

LMB: Let me finish.

BO: Sorry. My bad.

LMB: However, some estimate there to be as many as four or five hundred types of kimchi.

BO: That's amazing. You know, I bet other countries are constantly trying to pass off inferior imitations of kimchi as their own national dishes, but they're never fermented properly, or full of maggots, or mispronounced.

LMB: As a matter of fact, you're right about that.

BO: Say, you know what's funny? I was talking with the Presidents of China and Japan about franchise restaurants, and I could barely understand them when they said the word "McDonalds" -- yet when I spoke with you earlier, I could understand your pronunciation of the word on the very first try. What clever trick of the Korean language allows you to pronounce words in other languages so accurately?

LMB: Would you like to know?

BO: Oh, I do, I do!

LMB: Well, it started a long long time ago, with a man named Sejong...

(much, much later)

LMB: ... and Lee Sunshin killed more Japanese than any other Korean, and that's why he's our country's greatest hero.

BO: Amazing! After hearing that story, I plan on changing the Lincoln Memorial into a monument for Lee Sunshin.

LMB: No, no, Mr. Balack. you should keep the Lincoln Memorial as it is. Your little American people seem to like him.

BO: You know, I've been thinking of making Korean language a requirement in the American school curriculum. Do you have any more of that kimchi stuff?

(thanks to @koreangov for the idea; for more on the Obama-Lee Lee-Obama summit, see his/her brand-new blog)

Monday 16 November 2009

First Draft of Korea Times Article "Koreans 'Double Standards' In Hopsitality"

Final draft can be read here.

Congratulations to Kim Tong-hyung, for submitting 500 plus words on this topic without mentioning skin color once.

First Draft:

Korea Hospitality Only For White Foreigners

A survey have expose the Korea Tourism feeling to good treatment only white people not brown people tourists. Everybody know Korea hospitality best hospitality if family visit or teacher come to house and eat bulgogi, maybe offer daughter to government official. But survey from Korea Culture and Tourism Institute with 5800 foreigners show also white people get Korea hospitality and not brown people.

But Dark Skin Asian people and dirty Chinese less than Korea hospitality good impression of it. Its because of they culture more like us so expect Korea hospitality is nothing special maybe. But really because brown skin. Or maybe it because they come here for more specific reason, like expect to meet Lee Young-ae and Hallyu star handsome people but instead old man smell like squid is follow them and shout "Dokdo is Korea land!" Also Hong Kong people is like shopping and Japan people is like food.

Survey is one problem though: neglectful to ask most two important question that:

"How much is Korea better than your country?"
A. 150-170% better than my country
B. 180-210% better than my country
C. 220-250% better than my country
D. more than 250% better than my country


That kimchi is spicy, isn't it?
A. Yes. It's much too spicy for me.
B. Yes. Koreans must be very strong and have amazing stamina, to eat such spicy food with every meal.
C. Yes. It's so spicy I wish to offer my home-country's sovereignty to Korea, just to stop the burning sensation in my mouth.
D. Yes. I wish to hear you speak about the virtues and flavor of Kimchi for thirty minutes. Please tell me: exactly how many different kinds of kimchi are there?

Saturday 14 November 2009

Interview with Sang Hyun-joon, Korea's Top Fawner

Sang Hyun-joon comes across as a normal man, at first. He is of medium build, his haircut is a five dollar Blue Club special. His glasses make him seem like a man more comfortable in a library than a night club. But when he opens his mouth, something about him changes.

"In all the auspicious history of this great restaurant district, truly, we have not seen a bori-bap so succulent."

Yes, Sang Hyun-joon is Korea's top pangyrist -- he's the one who writes, either directly or through ghost-writing, the best and most orgasmic articles trumpeting the greatness of Korean culture, athletics, politics, finances, and whatever else is going well.

You've probably read his work. More than once.

"All the world stops to hear the announcement: it is true that more than ever before, I write under more than a dozen different pen names: I might be world's top writer in terms of different pen names. Number one!"

Sang has always had this gift. The first composition he wrote in elementary school described how his teacher would be the one to usher in a golden age for Korean education, and his sister charmingly complains that their mother never became a better cook, because Hyun-joon's breathless praise made her complacent, and she never improved.

Sang might be best known for his work praising sports stars, like Park Jisung, Kim Yuna, Park Seri, and Park Chanho, and he's particularly proud of a "Look out, MMA, Here comes Choi Hong-man" article he wrote after Choi's spectacular win against Jose Canseco. However, the writer claims he doesn't have any strong preference for what he likes to fawn over best.

"Finance, Korean companies, politicians, athletes, tycoons, scientists -- I'll write about'em all. Ditto for culture and natural features -- pansoori, K-pop, dramas and movies, film directors, mountains, wetlands, minefields, massacre sites, four seasons, spicy food -- I've done it all, and I'll do it all again. That is the greatness of Korean everything. I really never tire of thinking about my country and culture, and how awesome it is. Sometimes it makes me want to explode."

When asked to let us in on the secrets of the trade, he said, "Study superlatives, and bring in Japan or America anytime Korea compares favorably to them. Also, never give an individual credit if you can instead attribute their success to some national characteristic -- Hwang Woo-suk's success was due to Korean skill with chopsticks; Korean women golf well because of their relationships with their fathers (notice how I managed to give credit to Korean men after all there?) Kim Yuna succeeded because of her Korean Mother's love, and Park Tae-hwan has more jung."

With this amazing skill for making things sound like the greatest in the world, one must wonder whether Sang never tried to sell his skill to other countries. "I'm sure my skill would be one of the world's most desirable talents, truly a singular feature among world talents. "A few countries and non-Korean companies have tried to hire me... but I had to cancel the contracts. I just couldn't write anything, and the most positive adjective I could think of was 'crummy'"

Yes, once again, the world will have to stand at the outside looking in, as the world's greatest hype-writer, much like the world's greatest swimmer*, the world's greatest female figure skater, the world's greatest slow-moving MMA fighter, the world's greatest despot, the world's greatest cellphone producer, the world's greatest awkwardly large boy-band, the world's greatest ultra-violent filmmaker, and the world's greatest internet e-mail army, all belong to Korea.

*other than Michael Phelps

Wednesday 11 November 2009

Other New Proposed Commercial and Cultural Holidays for November

November 1:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Corrupt C.E.O Pardon Day

November 2:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Grab a Foreigner's Love Handles Day

November 3:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Plastic Surgery Day

November 4:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Pirated Internet Porn Day

November 5:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Internet Explorer 6 Day (With ActiveX Control and Free Security Updates)

November 6:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Shop At A Korean Company That Uses English Names Koreans Can't Pronounce Day

November 7:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Products Endorsed by Girls Generation Day

November 8:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Internet Addiction Day

November 9:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Cheat At Cards Day (Casinos Closed)

November 10:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Get Blitzed Out of your F$^@ing Mind Day (We needed another: Every Friday wasn't enough)

November 11: Nonproductive hangover day.
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: You can use chopsticks really well! Day

November 12:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Frankly Speaking Day

November 13:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Foist Korean Culture Upon Foreigners Who Are More Interested in Other Stuff Day (aka Pansoori Day)

November 14:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Korean Culture That Foreigners Actually Find Interesting But We're Ashamed of It Because It Reminds Us That Korea Used To Be Poor Day (aka Budaejigae, Country Restaurant, and Street Food Day)

November 15:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Hug a B-Boy Day

November 16:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: I'm Afraid of Aprika People Day (aka Multiculturalism Day)

November 17:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Cellphone Accessory Day

November 18:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Adulate Chan-ho Park Day (every year a different hero will be chosen to adulate)

November 19:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Kimchi is Spicy Day

November 20:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Gender Discrimination Day

November 21:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: "You should eat more" and "You're so fat" Day (a.k.a. Korean Mother Day)

November 22:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: White Envelope Day (bribe a teacher or a public official)

November 23:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Sexy Dance by Underage Girls Day

November 24:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Buy Something Japanese Day

November 25:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Hate Japan Day

November 26:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Overcharge Japanese Tourists Day (also: Overcharge All Foreigners Day. Also, Taxi Driver day)

November 27:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Convince Ourselves Samsung Will Invent the IPhone Killer Day

November 28:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Pyoungchang Winter Olympics Day (Every year. No matter what.)

November 29:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Flame a Celebrity Anonymously on the Internet Day (aka Celebrity Suicide Day) Candlelit Vigil at night.

November 30:
First Suggestion: Dokdo Day
Second Suggestion: Throw Soap at a China People Day

Tuesday 10 November 2009

Practice Cannes Award Acceptance Speech from Director of Korea's next Winner

For best effect, read the editorial with this page, or the video below, open in a separate window.

Ladies and gentlemen, Park Chan-wook was a pioneer, but Korean film has finally arrived! Korea's artistic and cultural superiority finally reveals itself in this film. By not acting like monkeys in our own public places, and laughing at foreigners who have not been raised from childhood to live exactly like us, we believe our absolute superiority as a tourist destination has finally become clear.

First, in making the greatest Korean short film in history, I'd like to thank our talent, especially the actors. The western woman is playing an ancient Korean archetype in storytelling: the big-titty blonde one. I think that's her real name. Regardless, that's what I called her during filming. This archetype can be seen in many western movies, including women like Marilyn Monroe, Daryl Hannah, Scarlett Johanssen, and Thora Birch when she dyed her hair. Our foreigner protagonist is, in my opinion, a budding Hilary Swank. Observe the subtlety in her facial expressions as she portrays the bemused, orangutan-like curiosity many foreigners have about Korean culture, and her sensitive, yearning portrayal of a stranger in culture shock, struggling with looking like an idiot, surrounded for the first time in her life with true civilization. We believe she represents every foreigner in Korea: clumsy retard babies who have no clue how to truly function in an actually civilized society. She probably has loose morals and no Education credentials. But what a big nose!

To me, the real beauty of her performance is in the details. When she pays for her jimjilbang, she bows so clumsily it looks like she's having an orgasm! Really, I'm glad I have that loanshark friend who knew a white girl in debt trouble -- she was a real find, and it was totally worth saving her thumbs to get her in this video! I hope she enjoys newfound popularity in the foreign community, as all the foreigners in Korea see that, she shares Koreans' contempt for them, by mocking foreigners, and willingly making foreigners look like stupid idiots. By acting like Koreans (particularly the makers of this video) she will demonstrate that she is more like a Korean than they are, and her foreign friends will all look up to her in awe and admiration, the same way the world looks with awe and admiration at Korean cultural achievements like eating spicy food with chopsticks, and having more seasons than other countries, and palaces in harmony with nature (fuck you, Beijing).

I'd also like to thank Andy, my secretary's twelve-year-old child, who attends English Friends Academy, and translated the subtitles.

Finally, I'd like to thank the Korean Tourism Organization and the Seoul Grand Sale organization for funding my life dream of making a video that mocks and belittles foreigners.

Their new promotional direction, of mocking their audience, of people they want to visit Korea, is unique in the world, and that uniqueness and derision will, I believe, make Korea stand out as different from other nations' tourism campaigns. We look forward to millions upon millions of foreigners coming to Korea and blundering into saunas with their shoes on like idiots, making monkey faces in massage chairs, dropping chopsticks, and displaying a shocking lack of jung by ordering separate dishes and paying separately, while insulting restaurateurs by leaving tips, drinking moderately, and leaving the bars empty by 9:30pm so that Koreans can go out and drink. They have no idea how to drink. Fortunately, we Koreans can show them proper drinking manners. I am convinced that soon, every Korean will have a pet tourist of their own to laugh at.

Here is a video of proper Korean drinking manners.

I believe it is an important message to spread to the world, that Koreans know how to function in their own culture, and scorn those who cannot fit in immediately. This kind of generous, global-minded tolerance, in which we allow these non-functional retard babies to move around freely in our cities, allows us to have free entertainment any time, whenever one of these clumsy fools dares to show their face, and their awful manners, in public. This is a message I want to spread to the world, so that everyone will come to Korea and be mocked by the locals, louder and louder, as we get totally, totally, totally blitzed beyond all reason. I'd like to send a shout out to all Koreans, to make sure we give tourists special treatment in Korea as they display their awful manners and inability to function, by pointing at them, talking about them, staring at them, laughing at them when they do something wrong, and congratulating them like a baby who made first poo poo in the big boy potty, every time they eat something spicier than a bean-sprout, or handle chopsticks better than an amputee.

This is my vision for Korea's future! Daehanminguk!

One more. For good measure.

Sunday 8 November 2009

New Driver's License In Hand, Jeonju Woman To Choose Korean Tourism's New Slogan

(ht brian)
Rather than using market research, studies, test groups, or basic public relations and promotions fundamentals, the Korean Tourism Organization has found their perfect candidate to create Korea's new tourism slogan. Cha Sa-soon, a 68-year-old woman from Jonju, made international headlines passing her written driver's license on the 950th try, and now she will write the slogan that will make Korea a more attractive tourist destination than New York City combined.

Lee Charm, head of the Korean Tourism Organization, explained, "Ms. Cha exemplifies the great, fighting spirit of Koreans: never giving up, butting heads against the same wall until it crumbles, indomitable fighting spirit, and unwillingness to read directions carefully. Plus, she already has experience in the international media; it's just a small step sideways for her to go from's "news of the weird" feature to the front page."

"We've been coming up with slogans for a while, and have been getting discouraged by criticism, and lack of results. Given that a low rate of success seems to be come with the territory in these promotions, we thought we'd hand the reins to someone who's accustomed to trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and mostly failing, but sometimes achieving success."

Experts are praising the bold move by the Korean Tourism Organization. "Hiring one doggedly determined woman will be much more efficient and cost-effective than our other plans to improve tourism -- first of all, actually improving Korea as a tourist destination would be hard: keeping around those unsightly neighborhoods that have unique atmospheres of their own, without changing them so they look exactly the same as every other neighborhood in every city and town in Korea, well that's unfeasible. It would be expensive to restore those old neighborhoods, easier to replace them with glass and steel; it hurts our pride to leave Japanese colonial buildings untouched, and you know, we got all this neon sign material from China back in 1994 at such a bargain, of course we need to use it all. The idea of opening more hostels that are actually cheap, to attract backpackers, rather than gouging everyone at overpriced tourist motels... well, we want to TAKE their money, don't we? So that's out. Meanwhile, the amount of effort it would take to improve multilingual signage, coach hospitality workers in cultural sensitivity, and stigmatize the shouting of "Yankee Go Home!" and "You Russia?" at white people, and the shouting of "Go Home, Monkey!" to dark-skinned people would take work and time. We figure a real helluva slogan will accomplish the same effects. As for plan B, do you know the kind of manpower it would have taken to clean, feed, and house those billion monkeys we'd ordered from a dealer in India? To say nothing of finding a billion typewriters sturdy enough to withstand a monkey attempting to mate with it."

Nook-tu, one of the billion monkeys, was unperturbed by the lost opportunity. "I guess I'll have to go back to my old job, scavenging for nuts and fruit in the trees. I wasn't really looking forward to a desk job, but my mother-in-law thought it would be more stable with kids on the way."

Meanwhile, Cha Sa-soon, who does not speak English, has already started working on coming up with slogans. She's been pulling poetry fridge magnet words out of a satin bag all afternoon, and fastidiously copying down the results for her new employers. The thrilled lady says, "I've always wanted to be a civil servant, but I gave up that dream after failing the test 1754 times."

Tourism officials have already seen a few possible slogans that might be an improvement on "Korea, Sparkling,"


Thresh mighty artichokes, Korea!
Korea Answer!
Land of the Morning Spoon
Abuse Sleep Most Find Who Korea!
Two Turn Fuck Zapan Korea!
Mill Idea Pie Very Land is Korea!

You can create a tourism Korea slogan, too: just go here and let us know what you come up with!

Tuesday 27 October 2009

November Cancelled due to Swine Flu Fears

With increasing reports of Swine Flu afflictions, the Korean government has decided to cancel the entire month of November.

"We figure if we just skip straight to December, those thirty days'll be enough time for everyone in Korea with Swine Flu to get over it."

Some schools and institutions are even getting a head start on the cancellation by cancelling Hallowe'en parties on the 31st of October. Instead, schools will have regular class days, putting students into contact with the same students and teachers they'd be contacting during a Hallowe'en parties, but without costumes, which are thought by some to be catalysts for transmission.

"I'm pretty choked," Sam Marwyn, a Canadian complained. "I was really looking forward to the traditional Canadian Hallowe'en game of 'Mingle the Magic Body Fluids,' but it turns out I won't be able to play it at all this year, eh?"

Meanwhile, (photo stolen from Koreangov on Twitter) during the missing month of November, Koreans are asked not to turn over their calendars, and pretend nothing is happening. Also, all festivals previously planned for the now nonexistent month of November will be changed to Kimchi festivals.

If these drastic actions are not enough to stop the tide of increasing swine flu infections, the Korean Government is considering other options.

"We're thinking about instigating a hunt, and just cutting our losses with all the infected -- got that idea after watching a few zombie movies -- and we might nuke Daejeon, to send a message. We're also thinking about canceling Insadong, or banishing all carriers to Dokdo. Massive culls of pig farms is a high probability, and we might just cancel school, and only have tests for the rest of the school year. We're also planning on passing several laws against swine flu." Lee Gun-hyeon is the representative responsible for proposing a law against swine flu.

"As you can see," Lee said, "statistics about swine flu are alarming. For example, just this month, eleventy-fifteen-million Koreans caught swine-flu, and the rate is increasing daily. Every day I get calls to my office, and the sickness is getting more serious as four hundred thirty percent of our children in danger. If we don't do something about this soon, my carefully crafted appearance of being an effective politician will be exposed." Lee's office statistician was on hand to add more details: "After the wizard's orgasm, rainbow explosions all across Gwanghwamun Plaza led to the death of the unicorn, and all its protective power was dispelled. The fire energy from Gwanak mountain flows straight into the downtown, spreading the flu, and even high-level protection spells can't do anything to prevent transmission, at alarming rates. Immediate action is required."

Those alarmed at the increase in swine flu cases can take solace in this: now that all the brothels on Yeouido, and within driving distance of The National Assembly have been closed, quick, decisive action may soon be at hand.

"DECLARE MARTIAL LAW!" wailed one unnamed assemblyman.

Wednesday 21 October 2009

Yuna Kim's Mother Reaches Top Of Korean Mother Bragging Rights Ranking

After setting a world record and winning the "Tropii Elik Pompadeu," Yuna Kim, or Kim Yuna's mother Park Mee-hee has moved past Ban Ki-moon's mother for the Koreawide Lead in the Korea Mother's Bragging Rights Rankings (KMBRR).

The Korea Mother's Bragging Rights Rankings are a little-known rating, outside of Korean Mothers: it is scored, basically, by imagining the mother of every Korean sitting in an after-church tea together, and asking the question, "Who would have to stand up and get whom another plate of banchan, and who would be able to say 'Get it your own damn self, you harpy mother of an underachiever.'"

While a little morbid, even deceased mothers of prominent Koreans are included in the ranking, in order to include every prominent Korean on the list, and achieve the purest, most inclusive ranking of important mothers.

It's been a bad year for Ban Ki-moon (Mother ranked 2nd now), after months of criticism for having a lower profile than previous UN Secretary Generals like the Aprica People one with a beard. On the other hand, Kim Yu-na (1) set a world record in January, and another this week. The KMBRR rankings usually give precedence to political figures, for the prestige and the chance to achieve financial gains through peddling one's political influence -- which of course might lead to expensive gifts for mom. In this case, Yuna flew past Lee Myung-bak's mother (5), whose rating is still recovering from last year's beef protests and persistent rumors of corruption and favoritism, and left Park Ji-sung's mother (7) far in the dust, hampered by her son's being a healthy scratch too often, despite an improvement in his complexion and his contract extension with Manchester United, which has fallen to the second most prestigious soccer team in Europe.
As always, the mothers of entertainers have trouble reaching the top echelons of the list, because of the negative stigmas of entertainers not going to university, and consistent rumors of unscrupulous managers and company executives dealing in, um, favors. After JYP's mother (12), the highest rated female entertainers' mother is Lee Young-ae's mother (18), who celebrated a wedding and a move to America for her daughter, and can now look forward to a granddaughter. Following Lee Young-ae are the mothers of Boa (22) and the Wonder Girls (28-32), who have also gone to America, and whose English is improving, both always good ratings-boosters. Boa, despite not making much noise recently, still ranks higher than The Wonder Girls, for having taken a lot of money from the Japanese with her pop success there.
Park Geun-hye's mother (41 and climbing), though deceased, remains the strongest up-and-comer on the list: not only (were she alive) would she be the wife of an ex-president, but her daughter, despite the obvious demerits of being female, and not beautiful, is a strong candidate for Korea's next president, and cooks a great chapchae, which, combined, might well be enough to vault her to tops on the list: being a first female president would be a landmark acheivement, if elected, and if she can master dalkdoritang, her mother could have expected a good strong stay at number one; however, most presidential candidates' mothers see a quick drop after the election, when public opinion turns so quickly and sharply against new presidents elect. In the absence of beauty, it would be hoped Park Geun-hye's cooking and housekeeping skills might balance out her expected political performance, and prolong her stay at number one. On the other hand, first-female achievements lead to high Korean Mother Status: Yi So-yeon's mother (currently 143) broke the top fifteen when she was both the first Korean and the first Korean female in space, as well as carrying Kimchi and bacteria from Dokdo to space, despite being unattractive, a bad cook, and replacing a handsome male Samsung employee (mother's current ranking 1593) on the mission.

Struggling badly is Park Tae-hwan's mother (45, down from 8 right after the 2008 Olympics), as the Olympic medalist struggled famously at his last international competition. Despite being handsome, young, and male, he could improve his rating by attending SNU, getting a job at Samsung, moving to Bundang, or buying a Mercedes. Even better would be attending Heobeodeu University in the America.

Sunday 18 October 2009

A Game of "Does it Exist" with World Authority Archaeologist

That's right. Logic demigod David Thiessen, aka The Archaeologist, has assured us all that racism does not exist in Korea, because it does not exist either in the human genome, nor in the bible. In a piece of brilliant analysis and exposition in The Korea Times, Mr. Thiessen has demonstrated that The Word Of God, and The Human Genome, are the only authoritative places to find proof of whether a thing exists or not. Logicians are now referring to this standard of existence as "Archaeologist's Razor" similar to Occam's Razor for its effectiveness in getting to the heart of logical discourse. Grateful for this bit of endless wisdom, Dokdo Is Ours has asked Mr. Thiessen to grace Dokdo Is Ours with more Holy, Divine, Unassailable Truth, by taking some questions about other things than racism, and letting us know whether they exist, or are nothing more than illusions.

The Holy Bible: "EXISTS: in fact, the beginning of the human genome starts, "In The Beginning, God Created..."... I know this is true because I saw it in a dream God gave me."

(for the record, The Human Genome is King James.)

Soccer: "Does not exist. While kicking is found in the bible, games involving kicking are not, and therefore while we can be sure that a soccer-like game MIGHT exist, soccer itself cannot be confirmed to exist.

The Matrix: "Whether we live in The Matrix, or it's just a fiction, would depend on what I see after having a chance to examine its programming code, and see whether any of it resembles either The Human Genome or the text of The Holy Bible.

The Mushroom Haircut: "While wild vegetable are mentioned in the bible, they are not to be found in the Human Genome, so probably not."

The U.S. Pledge of Allegiance: "Only the line 'One Nation under God,' because it mentions God, who exists. By logic, the existence of this line leads me to conclude, logically, that there is only one nation in the world; therefore, only the USA exists... but only God-fearing red states, and school districts that don't teach evolution."

Hans Christian Andersen's Fairy Tales: "Nothing but fairy tales, I'm afraid. Duh."

Babies: "Human DNA has shown no significant differences between Baby DNA and Adult DNA, therefore babies are a social construct, and might be a propaganda tool of racist English teachers."
"But you said racism doesn't exist."
"Shut up, you godless obfuscator of the truth! God will judge you (which is my cute way of saying I already have judged you -- it's my charming idiosyncrasy to pretend I speak on God's behalf. My betrothed loves it. It makes her wild under her ankle-length skirt and linen head-covering.)"

Pencils: "If the pencil has a double-helix drawn on it, it resembles Human DNA enough to be said it exists."

The Archaeologist: "Yes, but I am the only one to whom Descartes' maxim, 'I think, therefore I am' applies. I know I actually think, so I KNOW I exist, but I'm not quite so sure about you: I will continue suspecting you of being a devil's trick, sent to lead me astray, and will therefore disregard everything you say."

Barack Obama: "Yes! He is the leader from the North mentioned in Revelation, who will bring forth the apocolypse."

English: "Not really. This further illegitimizes English teachers: that their language is a sham. The human genome is actually in Greek and Hebrew characters: the languages of the original bible."

North Korean Aggression: "No. Only English teachers who do not respect their contracts and look down upon Korean culture perceive the social construct of North Korean aggression. In truth, Koreans are peaceful and the greatest culture on earth, and this image of North Korea violating its international agreements is a case of projection from English teachers who imagine North Korea has the same disdain for international agreements as English teachers have for their contracts."

Any other questions in the comments shall be answered as soon as possible.

Thursday 15 October 2009

Ask A Pissed Off English Teacher Who's Been in Korea Too Long

Dokdo Week #3: Special Advice Column

Dokdo Is Ours is proud to introduce a new addition to our stable of advice columnists. As always, if you have a question for "Ask an Internet Troll," "Ask a Korean Promotional Brochure," "Ask the guy who wrote the English Raps on Jewelry's CD"or "Ask a Pissed Off English Teacher Who's Been Here Too Long," you are welcome to send an e-mail to dokdoisours at gmail dot com. Serious. All letters sent so far have been answered!

Dear Pissed Off English Teacher

Hi! I'm Sandy! I'm 22, and I came to Korea to add some international experience to my application to the American Academy of Diplomacy, and work towards my life dream of working internationally as an ambassador and diplomat. I've only been here for a few months, so I'm still trying to learn more about the subtleties of intercultural communication and understanding, as well as getting used to the honorific codes in interpersonal interactions so important to Koreans. Anyway, I recently had a strange conversation with a Korean friend about a couple of islands called 'Dokdo' which are apparently part of a territorial dispute between Korea and Japan. I'm wondering if you could explain the context of this conflict for me. Also, when I asked, "What's the big deal" -- after all, it's only a couple of islands -- my Korean friend got a little agitated. In your opinion, what is the most tactful way to discuss this issue with Koreans, and is there anything I should avoid saying, or doing, while talking about Dokdo, in order to avoid another awkward situation?

Dear Sandy:

First of all, before we get into any of the points in your letter, or address your question, I'd just like to remind you, by referencing events that happened before you came to Korea, that I've been here longer than you. I was here for the beef riots. I was here for President Roh's impeachment. I was here before Chunggyecheon, I was here when Jeon Ji-hyun was still a real person, I was here for English Spectrum Gate and the Armored Vehicle Riots and the World Cup and the IMF Bailout and the Asian Financial Meltdown and I may have been the guy to offer Dangun's garlic-breath-bear Father his first post-cave mentos. I used to toss chocolate bars to the Korean kids running behind my buddy's military vehicle, back when hooker hill went uphill both ways.

Second, I want you to know that, while I've lived that long in Korea, but I still can't speak Korean, I still know more about Korea than any of the Koreans I meet (not that I have any Korean friends, but why would I want a bunch of clones on my speed-dial anyway), because I can look at Korea objectively since I didn't grow up here, which means that comparing Korea with my home country and finding it wanting is ALWAYS more valid than any Korean's view of their own country. If a Korean disagrees with me about this, it is obviously because they have been brainwashed by their Korean-only, By Nationalism-Wacky Koreans For Nationalism-Wacky Koreans racist media.

When a Korean tries to approach you about the Dokdo issue, it is only because he is racist, and attempting to discriminate against you, and oppress your natural rights, guaranteed by international conventions, by pigeonholing you into the role of cultural pariah -- that is, Dokdo Non-believer, and force you to take an AIDS test even though foreigners obey the law WAY more than ANY Korean. If you refuse to drink the Dokdo Kool-aid from the KKKorean pure-blood fetishist, they will label you "wangta" and treat you like shit, because they're confucian, and confucianism is basically an excuse Koreans use to treat everyone like shit except other Koreans who are older than them... who they only lie to, and cheat behind their backs, rather than doing it openly, like they do with white people, south-asians, people from other provinces of Korea, and people younger than themselves. This is why you will never fit into Korean society, because all Koreans are inherently racist. It's in their DNA, right next to the "I believe Kimchi cures everything" gene and the "If it's on the internet and it says bad things about America, it must be true" gene and the "thirty-million gullible brainwashed saps can't be wrong, so I'd better follow the crowd, plus, this movement has a cartoon character! Squee!" gene. All Koreans are racist. All Koreans generalize about others, ALL the time. There is no hope for Korea in the future because inherently racist societies must fail in the world scene, and Korea will never change, Korea will never open their mind and see another point of view, and Korea will never try to understand other cultures. I'd realized that by my third month in Korea, and nothing I have seen, heard, or read since then has changed my mind, and nothing ever will.

Sorry... what was your question again?

Sunday 11 October 2009

New York Times: We Will Continue Taking Money from Nationalistic Koreans"

Dokdo Week, Part 2:

Baylor Thompson, head of advertising in the New York Times, reports that he plans to continue giving advertising space to nationalistic Koreans wishing to make a point about the East Sea, Dokdo, Baekdu Mountain, Kim Il-Sung's glorious leadership forever, Grand Canal Schemes, or whatever else they wish to promote, "As long as the cash keeps coming, and as long as they keep thinking NYT ads actually accomplish anything other than stirring the derision of Daveizens, we will continue taking their money."

Though at first, it took a while to really convince Koreans that taking out New York Times ads would lead to any positive results, Thompson says validation of the NYT ads actually took care of itself. "As soon as the Times ads came out, they got reported by Yonhap, Chosun, and every other Korean news source picked it up, and that amount of coverage seems to have tricked Koreans into thinking EVERY country reports and discusses it just as extensively when some Korean takes out a New York Times ad." Once Koreans were fooled, by their own media, into thinking that a NYT ad got the entire world abuzz about a topic, "I just had to sit back and wait for more ad requests to roll in," Mr. Thompson says.

This startling news comes at a time when some have been questioning the effectiveness of taking out full-page New York Times ads about The East Sea (also known as the Sea of Dirty, Island-Stealing Ass-Pirates). It started when a Korean named Min-hong traveled overseas, to Manchester, and over dinner with a group of British citizens, casually brought up a common dinner-table topic from his home country: "So, do you think Japan will ever relinquish that pesky claim on Dokdo?" he asked. When met with blank stares, he tried again. "You know, the land dispute in the East Sea -- the little islands near Ulleungdo that Japan is trying to steal from Korea, the rightful owners -- do you think they'll ever admit it's a symbol of their enduring imperial aspirations?"

"Which sea?" his hosts asked.

"The East Sea -- the one between Korea and Japan."

"Oh. We call that The Sea of Japan in English."

"No, you must be mistaken -- it's the East Sea. Don't you read the New York Times? I was under the impression that this you tried to stay up to date on current events!"

"Well, we do, but this is England: the BBC is our main news source here."

Returning home with news of such shocking ignorance about Korea's issues of world import led to a period of doubt for Min-hong and those in his circle of friends. "Why are people bothering to advertise in the Times when it's met with indifference from the rest of the world?" was the question on everybody's lips.

However, when Japan began taking out full-page ads denying wrongdoing in issues like the comfort women issue and the Nanking massacres, many Koreans decided that, dinner-table-topics in Manchester or none, Korea could not fall behind Japan in the Western Media Paid Advertisement Propaganda race.

"We now have schools organizing bake sales, perfumes and donation drives, we have traveling missionaries spreading the word about Dokdo, in order to continue taking out MORE NYT ads than those filty Japanese barbarians," explained Choi Yang-hoon, one of the leaders of a recent Dokdo drive. "We're waiting for more Dokdo Songs, hoping that Kim Jang-hoon might even contribute a hit pop-song, possibly one as good as this one:

Personally, Baylor Thompson doesn't know much about Dokdo, and doesn't really care, either: he actually enjoys getting the full page ad requests, "Because that's an entire page of space I don't have to sell in smaller pieces -- a big chunk of advertising space, sold in one shot -- that makes my job easier. They could print lines from North Korean revolutionary songs for all I care," he said. He does have one concern, however, and he says it's an important one.

"Just make sure the checks clear."

Saturday 10 October 2009

Dokdo Week: Part 1: Other Ways to let the world know Dokdo Belongs To Korean

It is time to re-claim Dokdo for Korea: our historians, those brilliant minds who invented "Fan Fiction" long before it took a totally different form and became popular on the internet, have been spending their days and months researching and brainstorming, trying to find a truly fool-proof, fail-safe strategy to claim Dokdo as Korea's territory.

Hand out flyers in New York City that say "독도는 우리땅"

Manufacture rolls of toilet paper with brown spots on them in the shape of the Dokdo Islands.

Condoms with Dokdo on the case, and the words "This belongs to Korea, too" on the side.

McDokDo: like the McDLT, except instead of a hot part and a cold part, two mounds of meat shaped like Dokdo.

Full page ads in the Chosun Ilbo.

Export our language to other countries.

Make a TV series set on Dokdo. Put Bae Yong-joon in it, so that Japanese will be hypnotized by His Ajummaness and we can brainwash them into believing Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Give away free dokdo hugs. And free dokdo cookies. And free dokdo mudpies. In Insadong.

Get Korean girls to only sleep with Western unqualified dirty English teachers if the teacher says "Dokdo belongs to Korea" first. Then it's OK, or at least morally neutral.

Get Cat Stevens to convert to Koreanism and write songs about Dokdo.

Convince protestant prosletyzers to spend one day a week prosletyzing for Dokdo instead of for Jesus.

Send a hundred e-mails a day. To everyone. Maybe convince the Viagra/Cialis guy to add "Dokdo Belongs to Korea" to his e-mail advertisements.

Sexy dance contest. We do that for everything.

Take a regular product. Put the word Dokdo on the package. Add a 75% markup. Give 5% of the markup to Dokdo for more New York Times ads. That'll do it.

Win a Nobel Prize by discovering more bacteria on Dokdo. Proclaim Dokdo is Korea's land during the acceptance speech.

Start a campaign to rename The Rolling Stones "Dokdo," the same way we're renaming The East Sea.

Approach foreigners in the bath house.

A protest in Gwanghwamun Plaza. That'll mess up LMB.

Name our children Dokdo. All of them.

Dokdo cologne. Made with real seagull shit from Dokdo. (ps: not even a joke)

Scratch "Dokdo Belongs to Korea" on Japanese National Monuments and cultural heritage sites.

Buy Sony products. 'cause damn. Those Japanese electronics are well-made!

Be rude to Japanese tourists until they give up and give us Dokdo.

Be rude to Japanese people when we travel to Japan until they give up and give us Dokdo.

Claim Fukuoka as Korean land, and in their eagerness to get Fukuoka back, they'll be glad to let us have Dokdo.

Throw shit at the Japanese Embassy. I'm pretty sure that actually worked once.

Get into a shoving match at the National Assembly. Seriously.

Make it a condition for North Korea's nuclear disarmament.

Get a young guy to dress up as an old lady, and have him fall down on TV.

Barack Obama likes bulgogi, so Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Make it a question on the standardized exam.

Build a training facility for the national soccer team on Dokdo.

Train Jindo dogs to bite anybody who says "Takashima" send them around the world.

Put Dokdo on the map during the news weather forecast. If we forecast the weather there, it MUST be ours.

Promise to lower import tariffs for Japanese products from 216% to 174%.

Force Japanese people we meet personally, to personally apologize for the comfort women, and declare that Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Videotape white people saying "독도는 우리땅" phonetically, even though they don't know what it means, and put it on TV, and watch it while touching ourselves.

Convert it into a missile silo, or build defensive gun turrets on the big one.

Get a little kid in a pink dress to stand on a stage and say Dokdo is Korean land.

Get a large group of seven-year-old girls to dress like cowboy cheerleaders and do a sexy dance to a Britney Spears song and put letters on the short-pants covering their asses so that when they lift up their skirts and moon the audience at the end of the song it spells "Dokdo belongs to Korea!" How cute and innocent!

Bring up Dokdo in every conversation with a foreigner, and get upset if they say anything other than "Yes. Now I see that Dokdo is Korean land, and Japan sucks balls. Thank you for enlightening me. Now, can I have more kimchi? I like it, even though it's too spicy for me. Now, let's practice English together."

Name restaurants in Seoul after Dokdo. And toys. And balloons. And cars. And pets. And pens and pencils. And kimchi refrigerators.

Make the lady who cut off her finger for Dokdo the Queen of Korea.

Get elementary students to draw pictures about how much they hate Japan.

Put people in slingshots and catapult their bodies over the fence of the Japanese embassy, until they get tired of cleaning up the body parts and give Dokdo to Korea.

Study hard.

Work hard and make Korea number one country and famous Korean success in English Premier League so that Korea many famous and then Korea army with Lee Sunshin army boat to big war and Korea famous so everybody like and then Dokdo is Korea land!

Get Korea Times comment board people to start writing letters to Japanese newspapers. Their clear-minded logical arguments are sure to convince the world.

No, Really. Sexy Dance.

Hey I'm not George Bush either... where's MY Nobel Prize?

And that's all I have to say about Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Thursday 8 October 2009

In this tough Economy, Joongang Inc. Is Dedicated to Not Cutting Funding to our Naked White People Department

Joongang Daily staff photographer Han Je-hoon

While it is shameful to me, working on the naked white people photography department of the Joongang news corporation, given its second class rating, behind the auspicious Chosun Ilbo and Digital Chosun, which are known worldwide as the Korea's Harvard University of Photographing White Half-or-Mostly Naked People, it is reassuring news I have for you.

Despite being miles behind the field leader, the Joongang Daily is dedicated to continuing to bring you photos of naked white people, like this one, from a vineyard in France. It is an integral part of our duty to allow our strength in this field to combine with that of the Great Pervy Chosun (our little industry nickname) and bring Korea to world leadership in the rankings of "Creepy Photographing of Mostly Nude White People" -- while we have a lot of catching up to do before passing the German and Russian porn industry, Korea already ranks ahead of the French art film industry in photographing white naked people, and with more diligence and better patrolling of Haeundae Beach, we intend to climb to fifth in the world by 2017.

It is my recommendation that, in order to bolster our standing in this area, the censorship board remove the laws requiring us to blur out certain erogenous zones in our photos, which lead many Korean internet porn watchers to believe that women actually DO have pixelated vaginas, and that their own weiners are abominable variations from the world norm of having pixelated penises... showing "the full monty" will also increase interest in our dirty pictures, as compared to those produced by other countries. Also, I call on the Korean Government to sponsor longer telephoto lenses and more powerful sensors for the cameras of those photographers who have dedicated their lives to raising Korea's profile in the realm of photographing nude white people. It is only through the support of Korea's great people, AND the government, that we will finally see Korea join the ranks of the greatest nations at creepily photographing nude white people.

Wednesday 30 September 2009

Samsung Introduces Glory Hole, Follow-up to Magic Hole

"Put Your Self In Our Glory Hole!" is the new slogan of Samsung Anycall's latest phone advertising campaign. After UEE's sexy commercial led "Magic Hole" to a smashing sales, Samsung couldn't follow up their "Magic Hole" fast enough.

However, as always, the supersaturated cellphone market in Korea was quick to respond. Jang-sup Leong, whose English nickname is "Johnson," from LG's marketing department announced LG's own, similar phone product over the weekend, featuring top beauty Kim Tae-hee promoting their new phone line, "Magic Head," with the slogan, "Kim Tae-hee wants to Give You Head" and "Give Head To Your Family This Chuseok"

Things are tight at Yongsan electronics market, now. With Magic Head and Good Head from LG, Magic Hole and Glory Hole by Anycall, other products are having their release dates postponed.

Samsung's "G-Spot" is being promoted by new Korean Female Pop group A-nal, as well as Big Bang tribute band, "Gang Bang", but will wait until November to release their new line, while SK Telecom's oblong phone, "Shaft" and its new high-speed wireless service, "Golden Shower," meant to "Shower" its customers with quick internet access, are being held back, for long enough that consumers won't compare it to competing all-in-one wireless service, "Package Flasher."

Dokdo Is Ours was lucky enough to chat briefly with Ga-Ping Beom, from Anycall, at a new candy and snack bar called Honey Pot, where hot menu items like the chocolate starfish and the corn hole have been flying off the shelves. "Korean Exchange Bank has this new quick online banking service called Money Shot that's looking to sweep the nation, but I've also heard, at a PR Conference called P.U.B.E.: Promotion United Branding Effort, about some other promotions and campaigns coming up that are going to be super-cool.

"There's stylish, flower-boy marketed K0Mexican restaurant opening called 'Pink Taco,' as well as new Noraebang Technology that will give voices more resonance, called 'Deep Throat' I'm personally excited about a set of golfing gloves so natural feeling it's like skin -- they'll be called 'Fore Skin' - you know, for shouting 'Fore' when you hit a golf ball."

Despite trying his hardest, Dokdo Is Ours failed to procure advance peeks at any of the promotional materials: posters or commercials, lined up for these exciting new products: however, the South Korean Elite Entrepreneurs' Trust places great stock in confidentiality and secrecy, so this intrepid reporter was denied.

Happy Chusok, everyone.