Tuesday 10 November 2009

Practice Cannes Award Acceptance Speech from Director of Korea's next Winner

For best effect, read the editorial with this page, or the video below, open in a separate window.

Ladies and gentlemen, Park Chan-wook was a pioneer, but Korean film has finally arrived! Korea's artistic and cultural superiority finally reveals itself in this film. By not acting like monkeys in our own public places, and laughing at foreigners who have not been raised from childhood to live exactly like us, we believe our absolute superiority as a tourist destination has finally become clear.

First, in making the greatest Korean short film in history, I'd like to thank our talent, especially the actors. The western woman is playing an ancient Korean archetype in storytelling: the big-titty blonde one. I think that's her real name. Regardless, that's what I called her during filming. This archetype can be seen in many western movies, including women like Marilyn Monroe, Daryl Hannah, Scarlett Johanssen, and Thora Birch when she dyed her hair. Our foreigner protagonist is, in my opinion, a budding Hilary Swank. Observe the subtlety in her facial expressions as she portrays the bemused, orangutan-like curiosity many foreigners have about Korean culture, and her sensitive, yearning portrayal of a stranger in culture shock, struggling with looking like an idiot, surrounded for the first time in her life with true civilization. We believe she represents every foreigner in Korea: clumsy retard babies who have no clue how to truly function in an actually civilized society. She probably has loose morals and no Education credentials. But what a big nose!

To me, the real beauty of her performance is in the details. When she pays for her jimjilbang, she bows so clumsily it looks like she's having an orgasm! Really, I'm glad I have that loanshark friend who knew a white girl in debt trouble -- she was a real find, and it was totally worth saving her thumbs to get her in this video! I hope she enjoys newfound popularity in the foreign community, as all the foreigners in Korea see that, she shares Koreans' contempt for them, by mocking foreigners, and willingly making foreigners look like stupid idiots. By acting like Koreans (particularly the makers of this video) she will demonstrate that she is more like a Korean than they are, and her foreign friends will all look up to her in awe and admiration, the same way the world looks with awe and admiration at Korean cultural achievements like eating spicy food with chopsticks, and having more seasons than other countries, and palaces in harmony with nature (fuck you, Beijing).

I'd also like to thank Andy, my secretary's twelve-year-old child, who attends English Friends Academy, and translated the subtitles.

Finally, I'd like to thank the Korean Tourism Organization and the Seoul Grand Sale organization for funding my life dream of making a video that mocks and belittles foreigners.

Their new promotional direction, of mocking their audience, of people they want to visit Korea, is unique in the world, and that uniqueness and derision will, I believe, make Korea stand out as different from other nations' tourism campaigns. We look forward to millions upon millions of foreigners coming to Korea and blundering into saunas with their shoes on like idiots, making monkey faces in massage chairs, dropping chopsticks, and displaying a shocking lack of jung by ordering separate dishes and paying separately, while insulting restaurateurs by leaving tips, drinking moderately, and leaving the bars empty by 9:30pm so that Koreans can go out and drink. They have no idea how to drink. Fortunately, we Koreans can show them proper drinking manners. I am convinced that soon, every Korean will have a pet tourist of their own to laugh at.

Here is a video of proper Korean drinking manners.

I believe it is an important message to spread to the world, that Koreans know how to function in their own culture, and scorn those who cannot fit in immediately. This kind of generous, global-minded tolerance, in which we allow these non-functional retard babies to move around freely in our cities, allows us to have free entertainment any time, whenever one of these clumsy fools dares to show their face, and their awful manners, in public. This is a message I want to spread to the world, so that everyone will come to Korea and be mocked by the locals, louder and louder, as we get totally, totally, totally blitzed beyond all reason. I'd like to send a shout out to all Koreans, to make sure we give tourists special treatment in Korea as they display their awful manners and inability to function, by pointing at them, talking about them, staring at them, laughing at them when they do something wrong, and congratulating them like a baby who made first poo poo in the big boy potty, every time they eat something spicier than a bean-sprout, or handle chopsticks better than an amputee.

This is my vision for Korea's future! Daehanminguk!

One more. For good measure.

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