Thursday 30 October 2008

Chosun Ilbo Nudes ALSO Have No Artistic Merit

Recently*, The Chosun Ilbo reports that a nude yogurt fight staged in 2003 in Insa-dong was commercially motivated, not artistic, and therefore fined an unnamed milk company executive for staging it.

Surprisingly, the Chosun Ilbo posted pictures of this event, though the Chosun Ilbo is well known for the prudish mores held by its staff of photographers.  !!!!!
Dokdoisours has no artistic merit, and wants hits, and therefore, will publish the photos as well, but only so that we can all shake our heads in moralistic disgust and righteous outrage.
Dokdoisours is shocked, SHOCKED, that the Digital Chosun Ilbo (English) would publish such crass photos: usually this kind of lurid tripe is reserved for the Chosun Ilbo (Korean), and English speakers are left to navigate blindly between photos of disaster rescue crews and the kind of TNA we seek when we visit Korean news sources ('cause we're not looking for world-class, objective reporting, now, are we?)

*this article is actually from January 2005, but it has nude korean women in it, and it's a real news source, I swear!

Tuesday 28 October 2008

K-Blogosphere Travels Down to Jeollanam-do, Throws Brian a Cheer-Up Party

Over a dozen Korea-bloggers travelled to Jeollanam-do last weekend to cheer up Brian Deutsch.  

"We noticed that Brian's seemed pretty down lately, so we just thought he needed a bit of a pick-me-up," Robert Koehler, of The Marmot's Hole said. "He provides the scoops for close to twenty percent of my posts now, so I thought I owed him at least this." Two anonymous people following Robert chimed in, "We hate Brian." "Yeah. He's a tool," but declined to identify themselves. "Hey guys, leave me alone," Robert told them. "Your hanbok sucks, anyway," one said. "Let's go find Dave Sperling," where Dave ignored them and offered DokdoIsOurs a job. "We are best job for you and every month pay on time it's the our guarantee!" he said.

"He's got great shoes," Mike Hurt said; "I didn't even realize until we all came down here, but man, look at those goddamn pumps! They must add, what, four inches to his height!" When asked why he came down to Brian's cheer-up party, the Metropolicician referred DokdoIsOurs to one of his websites. "You can check my ideas on the topic at if you want; I also reference it on FeetManSeoul. Tell all your friends to visit, too, if you want.  I was on TV."

"But really, what does Brian's blog mean to you?"

"It means I don't have to dig around on Dave's ESL Cafe, because he does. Brian has saved me a lot of effort, and he's funneling off a lot of the trolls and VANKers that used to load up my comment boards."

"You SUCK!" somebody shouted from a corner of the room.  Nobody even paid attention.

The Grand Narrative's James Turnbull also came out from Busan.  "I like the posters Brian has on the walls here.  I might write an article about them," he began.  

"So what do you think about Brian and his blog?" 

"Oh, it's very popular in Busan.  There are many in Gyungsan province who think he's actually FROM there, because of the derisive tone he sometimes takes toward Jeolla-do."

"I like him," PopSeoul, who did not wish to be named, said, "but I'm pretty sure he had plastic surgery in 2007, and he's totally fatter than he used to be when he started out.  But heck, I still love him.  Go crazy, commenters!"   Three people shouted, "First!" and one shouted, "Wanna buy Viagra?"

Matt, of Occidentalism, staggered by, drunk, with a troll clinging to his leg.

The organizer of the party, Joe MacPherson of Zenkimchi fame, said his Seoulpodcasts would be a full hour shorter each if not for Brian, but FatManSeoul was mostly there to try the different Jeolla-do foods.  When asked for a comment, she simply kept singing, "Skate, skate, skate, skate," to herself, under her breath.

Roboseyo, RWellor, and WeveGotSeoul seemed a bit dismayed.  "You know, I'm a bit worried about the guy, all out by himself in Jeolla-do.  He never writes about his friends. . .sometimes we wish he'd just come up to Seoul so we could show him a good time.  We've tried cheering him up by posting funny comments on his website, but it just doesn't seem to be enough."

Jello Mando of A Year in Mokpo, Andy in SK and TK Park, The Korean of Ask A Korean! were not able to physically be at the party, as they were all in America, but tuned in for a conference call on Skype, and expressed their concern as well.  The Korean was wearing a pair of rubber dog ears.  "Because The Korean is a funny guy!  He would even speak of himself in the first person if it would cheer up poor Brian."

Lao Ocean Girl and Expat Jane declined to stop for an interview with DokdoIsOurs, as they were too busy batting away all the infatuated white male bloggers following them around and laughing at everything they said.

Party Pooper stood by the snack table, trying to block people from reaching the tastiest snacks, braying alternately, "I'm the funniest guy at the party!" and "Everybody here is an asshole!  This party sucks!" but even that was not enough to drag down the party atmosphere.  The EV Boyz changed the words to their hit song, "Kickin' It In GeumChon" to "Kickin' It In Suncheon," singing joyfully.

"Jesus Tapdancing Christ, this is really touching, guys.  In fact. . . I feel a strange. . . warm feeling. . . coming over me. . . "  DokdoIsOurs was quick enough to get his video camera rolling to catch what transpired next.

After all that, Party Pooper broke the happy silence by walking to the DVD player.
"Hey Brian.  I made a video for you."

Thursday 23 October 2008

VANK loses funding; Academy of Korean Studies taken over by Japanese Collaborators?

The great VANK Cathedral in Iran

In a very disappointing turn, The Academy of Korean Studies, has cut funding for the Voluntary Agency Network of Korea's ongoing campaign to change the East Sea's name on every map in the world.  Yes, it's true, while it continues to support many of the civic groups that attacked the government with US Beef protest, the government has pulled the rug out from under the good citizens and patriots of VANK; included among those who will feel the pinch, of course is your very own DokdoIsOurs, who used to spend two days a week supported by VANK funding, during which time he looked at porn on the internet, and googled "Sea of Japan" "Takashima" and "Liancourt Rocks" six times a day each, looking for new outrages to mass-forward to the volunteer diplomat network.  It appears this reporter will now need to go out and work more.

Dong-a Ilbo opinion columist Kwon Sun-Taek points out the unfairness of these new cuts of public funding, "Who would want to pay taxes if the government offers financial aid to civic groups conducting illegal protests while stopping assistant to VANK?"  Indeed, it am true.  I am disappointing in these news because a who will help our country convince the world really it's Japan bad guy!

However, DokdoIsOurs, and Park Ki-Tae, founder of VANK will not go gently into that good night!  When asked about the funding cut, Park was irate.  "I suspect the Academy of Korean Studies has been taken over by Japanese collaborators, dirty, possibly half-blood traitors who are Japan friendly and like Totoro more than Mashimaro!  I have reported this to Korea's counter-intelligence agency, and expect a full investigation, and a thorough test of the loyalties of the Academy of Korean Studies' administrators.  We must correct the mistaken opinions of these ignorant academic societies, by providing the correct information they need to make more informed opinions."  

In a brave last stand, Mr. Park has made a call out to all VANK volunteer diplomats: 
"I think three-hundred e-mails a day will be enough to convince the Academy to change their minds.  Here is the text of the e-mail I suggest you send:  (you can copy it from the original page here)."

DokdoIsOurs can only reiterate that cry for justice:

Stop ranting and raving about this D-Wars. I really enjoyed the whole movie from the beginning to the ending credit.

The story is very interesting because it transforms the old Korean legend into the people of modern day LA very cleverly, which synergistically elevates the originality of the story line. The parallel arrangement of time and space enhances the cohesiveness between ancient Korea and modern day LA.

While the two main characters change from Koreans to Caucasians by means of reincarnation, the dinosaur like creatures and the evil army play the role of the missing links between the entirely dichotic time and place.

The LA battle scene is one of the most exhilarating movie battle scene in recent films. The missile and gun fight between Apache helicopters and flying dragons are nothing like any other movies. Whenever the helicopters collide into flying dragons, I felt as if I was attacked by those awesome creatures. The sound effects were succinctly utilized to boost the realism of the battle scene.

The plot is not as awkward as some people said. I found myself pretty well dove into the story line without many glitches. The plot flows fluently thanks to the well thought directing. Things are exactly where they are supposed to be. If any single element of the scenes are missing, probably the story would not connect well, however, when time and place change, the reasons of the transitions are well explained.

The oriental dragons are very different from western ones. For example, they don't have wings. They metamorphose from a serpent(Imoogi) into a sacred dragon with the power of dragon ball (Yuh yi joo).

In many Korean legends, Imoogi is depicted as an incomplete life form symbolizing the mundane average people of no novelty. An Imoogi is a mere local guardian god often guards a small town or village. Depend on the local tradition, some villages or towns were believed to have human sacrifice regularly to appease the guardian yearly or once in every ten or hundred years. Imoogi needs a human sacrifice (female virgin) to become a sacred dragon. Dragons are Gods governing the sky controlling the weather especially the rain, which is critical in traditionally agricultural Asian society. Being a sacred creature which can fly in to the sky is the ultimate purpose of the existence of Imoogi. So, some Imoogies threatened the unwilling village to earn human sacrifice often in a violent way. Many Imoogi stories involves sad lovers who lost their beloved as ceremonial sacrifice, and also the stories of failure of evil Imoogies from being transformed in to the dragons.

Director Shim adopted this Korean legend carefully and intelligently and created this modern day myth.

Just seeing an oriental dragon visualized in such a detailed manner makes this movie worth to see. Besides, old Korean villages, costumes and soldiers and guards are surprisingly well presented, which is very educational to any people who has little or no exposure to this long but unknown culture. The music used for ending credit is a famous Korean folk song called 'Arirang' which symbolizes unfulfilled love of young lovers.

Watch this movie. This movie is like a Christmas gift package. It has fun, excitement, culture, myth, visuals and music. The ten bucks you paid for you and your children have never been worth this much.

"We should also contact these academics' places of work and warn them about the kind of two-faced traitors they have in their employ, and if we can find the home addresses of Academy members, forward them to the rest of the volunteer diplomats, so that any diplomats who live near them can throw poop at their houses," Park reminded his loyal, patriotic followers.

And DokdoIsOurs reminds you to change the wordings of some sentences, from time to time, so that your E-mails will continue to get through spam filters. Meanwhile, grow, Korea! Down with Japan! Up with Dokdo! Up yours, Japan!


Saturday 18 October 2008

McCain Enlists Robert Mugabe as Election Advisor

For his experience in getting the job done against all odds and popular opinion, the John McCain election team has asked Robert Mugabe to coordinate the final stages of their election campaign.

More information at Seth's Travelogue.

DokdoIsOurs is officially, royally, purple-facedly choked that Seth completely scooped DokdoIsOurs on this matter, and may ask Seth about the possibility of being foreign news correspondent on the DokdoIsOurs team.

Wednesday 15 October 2008

Mayor of Seoul Walks Past Global Handwashing Day Festival, Ignoring It

On Global Handwashing Day, October 15th, Seoul held a festival in the City Hall Square.

People walked around the festival grounds.
After the success, for the second year in a row, of "No Car Day" in Jongno, the responsible citizens of Korea saw fit to take hope in 2008, a year that, other than some rioting in May, and June, and July, seemed like a banner year for good manners.  The Korean Handwashing Society spent a great deal of time and effort preparing for this day: all three members arranged for the festival stage and tent displays out of their own personal savings, and Seoul Mayor Oh Se-Hoon seemed excited about the prospect as well, saying at a news conference, "I hope Seoul will become known as a Hub of Handwashing, and these good citizens will help me."
Mayor Oh, pictured above, showing off his clean hands with card-carrying HandWashing club members.

However, when the stage was set, and the crowds had gathered, waiting anxiously for the Mayor's inspiring speech.
Instead, Mr. Mayor glanced briefly in a mirror set up at the back of the festival stage, fixed his hair briefly, and then skulked out offstage, without even a glance at the crowds or the microphone set up for him.

Festival Organizer Sohn HwaShing, a subway station custodian by trade, was disappointed, to say the least.

"I don't know why we set this stage out here if nobody uses it anyway.  Is it just for decoration?  I mean, come on, people!  It's there for a reason, you know!" he grumbled, and stormed away from DokdoIsOurs, reporting on the scene.  "IT'S NOT JUST A SETTING FOR THE MIRROR, YOU KNOW!" he hollered at a group of university students who had sidled up to the mirror at the back of the festival stage, and were fixing their hair and makeup in it.  The young adults ignored him.

White person Tommy Fondoe, who had been invited to the handwashing festival with his son to attract Chosun Ilbo photographers, described his extreme disillusionment, while his son Brian expressed his disappointment in another way.
"After everything the Mayor said before, about Seoul becoming a hub for hand-washing -- to just walk out as if his time were more important than proper sanitation was just shocking.  I don't think I'll ever wash my hands again!" he said.

Clean Korean Jang Hwang-soo asked, "How can we show other cultures our superiority, and teach them how to be clean, if we aren't even proud of our cleanliness culture ourself?  Cleanliness is an important part of our heritage that we must not forget!"  In order to console himself, Jang and the other two members of the Korea Handwashing Society roamed around finding dirty foreigners, "To teach them how to be clean!"

"We must teach the Chinese how to wash!" Jang said,

"What would the rest of the world do if we weren't here to civilize them?"

Koreans from the old days, practicing Korea's superior 5000 year-old cleanliness and hygiene culture.

The Korean Union of food handlers did not attend the festival, but a small percentage of medical professionals did, and shook their heads a lot.

(thanks for the heads up, Brian)

Tuesday 7 October 2008

Suh In Young Admits Mushroom Cut was "A Prank" on Korean Fashion Followers

Korean Pop Superstar Suh In-Young (서인영) admitted yesterday, in a shocking revelation, that "that silly mushroom haircut was a just a joke I played on my friends and fans."

"It was meant as an ironic commentary on the way people will imitate anything a star does -- I was trying to decide whether to get a really, really stupid haircut, or that vagina handbag I saw online. . . we decided the idiotic haircut would be more subtle. I was just as surprised as anybody when it took off. Believe me!" she told Dokdoisours, as he stared at her face, trying not to be too obvious as he looked for the plastic surgery lines.

She smiled, and DokdoIsOurs winced. They looked the same for a moment.  "Fads are so unpredictable, you know?" she laughed.

The prank is a surprising departure for Suh, who is usually known as a model for class,
and coy demureness...

"I was in the hairdressers, and we were just chatting, and I explained to her how really, I want to be bigger than the Beatles...put together! The stylist laughed and bunched my hair up so that it looked like I had an early Beatles' moptop, and it was amazing: I looked almost exactly like pre-moustache Ringo Starr!"
"My mind went to my idea of playing a prank on my fan-followers, you know -- everybody does that stupid "E.T." dance from "One More Time"

"...and I started wondering just how stupid I'd have to act before people start thinking for themselves.  

"I guess I'll have to buy that vagina purse, after all," Suh finished, staring off into the distance.

According to Suh, cosmetics company Maybelline was in on the joke: "Why else would they use me to pitch their product?"

Maybelline did not answer DokdoIsOurs' calls at time of printing.

Suh has a special distinction in Korea: just as Mun Geun-young is Korea's little sister and Kim Gun-mo is Korea's national singer, Suh is "Korea's Least Attractive Superstar" barely beating out Choi Hong-man for the distinction.Suh's fans have had mixed reactions to the news.

"A joke?  It was a joke?  Jesus.  I can't believe she played me for a fool just because I wanted to ape her style.  Now I'll have to take this lesson to heart, stop being a follower, and totally be myself, just like Avril Lavigne!" said "Sue" Jung.

"Actually I don't care.  This mushroom cut is totally me now, just like my fake Prada bag.  That's all that matters to me, really, is looking like a star.  Maybe people will think I'm playing a prank too.  Pranks are the new thing, you know," "Sue" Kim said, explaining why she will not change her mushroom hairdo, even though it was a prank.

More news on what will probably be far-reaching fashion repercussions in this shocking revelation about Suh In-Young will be reported here as they come.

Monday 6 October 2008

An open response to Party Pooper

Dear Mr. Party Pooper. . . I'm not sure how to address you, as we've never met. . . let's keep things formal.

It was with great joy that I saw your address to me on your Party Pooper site; it is plain that we are indeed both passionate proponents of Dokdo's Koreanness.  I am certain we see eye to eye, pheasant-head to pheasant-head, and bloody-stump to bloody-stump on this matter, and it is always a pleasure to meet a kindred spirit.

While this intrepid journalist is partially inclined to pick up the gauntlet you have thrown down, in listing your Dokdo-loving credentials, by pulling out a ruler, throwing my own Dokdo resume on the table, and measuring the length of our respective...resumes; however, it seems the island-grubbing Japanese's greatest trick has always been sowing discord among their enemies, and here, too, in the spirit of harmony, I will not list the number of Dokdo demonstrations I have attended (or the number of phone numbers I got whilst expressing myself so), I will not number the sum of flaming bags of dog and human feces I have thrown over the fence surrounding the Japanese embassy, or the number of tomatoes I have grown from seed to orb, in order to launch them at Japanese diplomats.  I will not tear off my cardigan, to reveal the "Do You Know (Dok-Do)?" t-shirt I always wear next to my heart.  Nor will I let you know where I hid the original drawings so well known online and in the Seoul Metropolitan Subway system, which I stole off the walls  in order to add them to the Dokdo Museum I intend on building, once I have trained a new event planner for the Dokdo Riders, and collected enough fingers, pheasant-heads, and desecrated Japanese flags.  Oh, the number of Korean schoolteachers I have motivated to care more about Dokdo through extreme duress is notable (mostly by the Korean Intelligence Agency).  In fact, I am the only non-Korean member of VANK!

The beautiful DokDo anthem rings through my apartment every morning, as I'm sure it does for you, and that stirring fourth verse especially, always fills my mind with images of salt-water, the taste of kimchi, and the sound of the Korean Coast Guard firing mortars at the Japanese Coast Guard:
ÁöÁõ¿Õ ½Ê»ï³â ¼¶³ª¶ó ¿ì»ê±¹ 
¼¼Á¾½Ç·Ï Áö¸®Áö ¿À½ÊÂÊ ¼Â°ÁÙ 
ÇÏ¿ÍÀÌ´Â ¹Ì±¹¶¥ ´ë¸¶µµ´Â ÀϺ»¶¥ 
µ¶µµ´Â ¿ì¸®¶¥ ¿ì¸®¶¥
However, this does not need to be a contest of one-upmanship, which would doubtless end one heated day with a fan and a closed window deciding a final winner in our contest (for I, like you, always carry things through to the bitter end).  Instead, we ought to join forces, and stand shoulder to shoulder, clipping New York Times full-page ads, sending letters of encouragement to Kim Jang-Hoon, handing out flyers in downtown Seoul, getting screen captures of google ads, designing T-shirts, putting together amateurish YouTube videos, and giving incorrect directions to Japanese Tourists lost in Insa-dong, because fu¢k them!  Let me extend an olive branch, fifty new species of bacteria, and a seagull-feather of peace to you, a fellow Dokdovian: surely, the day will come when our united power will change the world culture, like a second Hallyu, and impress the whole world from America to Japan, and some of the dark-skinned people in between, that verily, Dokdo is Corean Land!

Mr./Ms. Poop, my brother/sister: I salute you!

Sunday 5 October 2008

Hey! Snack Food is Cheap Again!

I was down at the mini-stop, and snack foods--especially cheese-flavored and chocolate snacks--are selling for less than half their price from before.  It's AWESOME!  These ten thousand Chinese students really wanted me to buy more of them, and assured me that there's no problem with them whatsoever.
Head down to your nearest corner store and stock up on your Cadbury and milk/cheese-flavored imported munchies, before they're all gone!

(PS: make sure to pick up some of those nifty little instant coffee straws while you're at it!  I'm in hand-to-mouth pseudo-Freudian oral fixation heaven!)

Friday 3 October 2008

Archive Research Reveals: Dokdo Controversy At Least Eight Years Old

It says "Dokdo Belongs to Korea in Hebrew right there -- I swear!"

For the tenth anniversary of, Google put up their January 2001 archive as the front page yesterday: January 2001 was the earliest complete Google archive available. In persuing Google's 2001 archives, the industrious DokdoIsOurs discovered several interesting points:

few seem to remember the old requirements to become an English teacher in Korea:

  • Valid US (or other) Passport
  • Current resume
  • Certified Copy of College Diploma (4-year/bachelors degree/online diploma farm)*
  • Official or Unofficial or Fabricated College Transcripts showing degree granted
  • Essay explaining your qualifications to teach in Korea (in Korean: English essays cannot be read by Immigration Officials, and will be discarded)
  • Passport size nude photograph for your Visa Application (if female; headshot preferred for males)
  • Vial of blood for medical test
  • Stool sample
  • One lock of hair, to check whether your hair is actually blonde, or dyed
  • Two boxes of M&M's (we love those tasty fu¢kers, but we can't get them over here)
  • Specific proportions on facial features in centimeters for: nose length, face-smallness, eye width and height (when fully opened)
  • For males: clippings of all the hair shaved from one forearm

As shocking as these now-forgotten teacher requirements are, DokdoIsOurs also found some amazing new documentation which proves Korea's claim on Dokdo stretches back at least to January 2001. Less than a minute after googling "Korea" on January 2001's Google home page, DokdoIsOurs found this site, claiming Dokdo for Korea. As you can see, this document is extremely old, as the island is spelled Tokdo, instead of Dokdo. Using the McCune-Reischauer style of transliteration shows that this article certainly must predate the popularization of New Revised Romanization of Korea, and that the article could indeed be as old as seventy years now, as the McCune-Reischauer spelling pattern was founded in 1937.

If material promoting Dokdo, and making vague threats toward Japan, reminding it of its imperial past (as this one does in the conclusion), is so old, DokdoIsOurs can only wonder Dokdo fever has not swept the entire world by now, given the amount of time this passion of Koreans has had to establish itself in the world consciousness. Surely, this is a field worthy of further study.

Here then, quoted in full: a newly discovered document affirming and reaffirming Korea's claim on Dokdo, and that Japan is bad, and may face holocaust if it does not give Dokdo to Korea right fu¢king now. And it was written by a Korean Ph.D. candidate, so it MUST be right! This may well have been his thesis!

Setting the Records Straight over Tokdo

by Ahn, Suntai, PhD Candidate, Political Science
In the last couple of weeks, the Japanese government has made some outrageous claims on the ownership of the Tokdo island, situated on the farthest eastern flank of the East Sea.
Even the Japanese Foreign Minister Yukihiko Ikeda has publicly stated in a televised news conference that the Tokdo island is a part of Japanese territory and that the island should rightfully fall under the Japanese jurisdiction.

But clearly the Japanese are acting irrationally and without any degree of substantial claims what- so- ever as they have in the past duly acknowledged the Korean ownership of the island. In fact, Japanese have their own government records which marks the twin islands of Ulung-do and Tokdo under the jurisdictional control of Chosen, as Korea was referred to as during much of pre-modern period. It should be rightfully noted that even the Tokugawa government sent out a decree in 1696, reminding the Chief of Tsushima not to send the Japanese fishermen to these regions. In fact, the author of Samguk Sagi is very specific in recording that Japan accepted the Tokdo island as a part of Korean territory as early back as 1667.

Given these undeniable proof of history, Japan can have recourse to only two set of alternative actions. One is to apologize to the Korean people for once again clandestinely breaching into the consciousness of Korea's sovereignty and for uttering such a non-sense. It owes its public repentance to the 70 million- strong Korean people for not coming to grips with its militant past, especially in its inhumane actions committed during much of the World War II. Make no mistake about it, Korea and the rest of the free world will not tolerate any comments or asinine gestures resonant of Japan's militaristic past.

Second, Japan can also continue with this policy of deception and fraud. But the history should gently remind the Japanese people that in those moments when it tried to inflict destruction and exploitation onto the rest of its Pacific neighbors that the so-called the Empire of Sun was literally met with its ultimate destiny; a taste of doomsday.

I leave the choice to the Japanese people. After all it is your fate that you are construing here.