Friday 29 August 2008

Conversation in the Hangyoreh Editing Room: How it Really Happened

Conversation in the Hangyoreh Offices:

Chang-gyu: Geo-Dwin. . . listen. You're a really great layout designer. We love your work, and Hangyoreh is proud to have you on staff.

Geo-Dwin: Yeah. AND?

Chang-gyu: It's just. . . there's one thing I want to talk to you about. You've gotta STOP photoshopping Hitler onto EVERY SINGLE PAGE of the magazine. We've had to hire a second layout editor just to photoshop them OUT again.

Geo-Dwin: You do that? You interfere with my designs? That's my creative work, you bastard!

Chang-gyu: I know that, and we respect your artistry. . . it's just, Hitler died a long time ago, and he's one of the most hated historical figures out there. You need to be careful about using his image!

Geo-Dwin: So you're surpressing my art, are you? You know who you sound like when you won't let an artist do what he wants for the sake of political expediency? HITLER! That's who! You're confining my art to a work camp! The Hangyoreh editing room is the Auschwitz of art!

Chang-gyu: Here. Look, Geo-Dwin. Page forty-six. Here, you've photoshopped Hitler's face onto one of the Wonder-Girls. Don't you think that's a bit. . . unnecessary?

Geo-Dwin: Chang-Gyu, you brownshirt, don't you understand a single fu¢king thing about art? Look at how seamlessly I've blended Yoo-Bin's neck into Hitler's jawline! It took me four goddamn hours to get the colouring right.

Chang-gyu: And it's a beautiful piece of photo-shopping: you won't hear me argue about that with you. . .but don't you think a professional publication is the wrong, um, forum for this kind of art? Shouldn't you be putting that into some kind of, um, a private collection?

Geo-Dwin: So this IS about censorship. You're going to stifle my freedom of expression. Like Hitler.

Chang-gyu: And also: here on page 27. You've photoshopped Hitler shaking hands with Lee Hoi-Chang. HE'S ON OUR SIDE!

Geo-Dwin: Yeah, but I was going to say in the caption how Lee Hoi-Chang's hands are so much stronger than Hitler's, that this imaginary handshake would have convinced Hitler to back off Poland, because it was closer to Korea.

Chang-gyu: That handshake NEVER HAPPENED.

Geo-Dwin: And you know, if you think about it, Hoi-Chang IS kind of like Hitler. . .

Chang-gyu: NO HE ISN'T!

Geo-Dwin: I'm an artist. What is real and unreal cannot hinder my creativity. The translators over at PD Diary understand me.

Chang-gyu: Anyway, I looked all through your layout drafts, and. . . (door knocks)

Yong-Joo: Hey everyone. I'm gonna order some Chinese. Do you want some?

Chang-gyu: Can you order me a jajangmyeon?

Geo-Dwin: And I'd like a Yukgyejang.

Yong-Joo: Sorry. They're out of Yukgyejang.

Geo-Dwin: Are you joking? I just want to be free to eat what I like.

Yong-Joo: They're out. Sorry.

Geo-Dwin: Well you tell that delivery guy he reminds me of a certain dictator. . . HITLER!  Imprisoning my palate!

Yong-Joo: Sorry Geo-Dwin. There's nothing I can do about it.

Geo-Dwin: You're an appeaser.

Chang-gyu: By the way, Young-Joo, will you have that interview with Olympic Gold Medal-winning swimmer Park Tae-Hwan ready for the next issue?

Geo-Dwin: That Nazi? You're putting Park Tae-Hwan in the Hangyorae 21? That fascist swimmer reminds me of HITLER!

Chang-gyu: Be that as it may, Geo-Dwin, you've put Hitler onto forty-six of the sixty pages in this month's issue of Hangyoreh 21, Geo-Dwin, including the cover. You've used his tiny face instead of bullet points on the table of contents. It's offensive to the 72 million people killed in the Second World War to toss his image around so casually!

Geo-Dwin: I'm a goddamn artist, not a politician! Don't you understand me, you fascist Philistine?

Chang-gyu: But if the magazine runs like this, we'll lose all our credibility and have to go back to printing communist tracts and flyers.

Geo-Dwin: Hmm. Can I use Hitler's picture on those?

Chang-gyu: NO! Maybe Marx and Trotsky.

Geo-Dwin: They're not my muse.

Chang-gyu: I'm sorry Geo-Dwin, but I have no choice. I have to take every image of Hitler out of this magazine.

Geo-Dwin: Every?

Chang-gyu: Every last one.

Geo-Dwin: Fu¢k you, then. I quit!

Chang-gyu: DAMMNIT! The magazine NEEDS your layout skills, Geo-Dwin! Please don't be so intractable!

Geo-Dwin: No way. I quit. Every single one-- that's going too far. This issue was going to be my magnum opus, you censor-mad Nazi!

Chang-gyu: OK. One.

Geo-Dwin: Which one? The Wonder-Girls picture?

Chang-gyu: Ummmm. . . the cover. Comparing Lee Myung-Bak to Hitler is kind of in keeping with our agenda anyway. I don't think the millions killed by World War II will be offended by that -- it just, you know, shows how our struggle for democracy is as epic, and important, as, you know, the second world war. It ennobles us. They should understand completely.

Yong-Joo: Uh, Boss? I've got a caller here -- says it's the 72 million people killed in the Second World War, and they WILL be insulted, degraded and trivialized by comparing every person we don't like to Hitler. They don't want you to run the Hitler cover.

Geo-Dwin: Those Nazis!

Chang-gyu: Hmm. Do they have access to any lawyers here in the land of the living?

Yong-Joo: Let me ask them . . . no. No they don't.

Chang-gyu: Fu¢k'em then. Let's run the Hitler cover! Will you stay on, Geo-Dwin?

Geo-Dwin: Yeah. OK.

Chang-gyu: Level heads have prevailed! Young-Joo! Warm up the printing press! Geo-Dwin, get on those layout edits! Move move move.

Geo-Dwin: I'll move when I'm ready, you tyrant.

Friday 22 August 2008

Plagiarism! In my first month!

Special Report by Guest Reporter Hwang Woo-Suk (read my resume)

In a surprising revelation, two websites have posted remarkably similar. . . even suspiciously similar. . . but certainly NOT plagiarized or faked in any way articles, about Michael Phelps' Korean ancestry, as originally reported here on Dokdoisours.

The sites in question can be seen here and here. I, Hwang-Woo-Suk, Korea's leading geneticist, fully approve the daring originality of these two identical posts to the article that predated them, and appeared here on Dokdoisours, and am impressed by the statistical improbability that these identical articles' appearance represents. You see, for three independent bloggers to write the exact same article within a week of each other defies odds against of approximately avogadro's number to one. . . yet somehow, these three totally original, genuine, and NOT FAKE, NOR PLAGIARIZING posters have managed to do so! What an amazing day in the annals of science! The monkeys on a typewriter have finally, truly, written Hamlet, and I, Dr. Hwang Woo-Suk, will not rest until the entire world knows of this amazing, improbable event.

When asked about this incredible coincidence, the humble reporter who conducted the interview, known as Dokdoisours, failed to see the wondrous mathematical improbability of such an occurrence, and muttered, "Idea-grubbing cocksuckers." However, a scientist like myself, motivated by corporate funding, can see the true incredulousity (is that even a word? God these kinds of things get me excited!) of such a concurrence of posts.

When word gets out, the world will always remember this day, when three identical, yet obviously, certainly totally unconnected posts, all appeared, like every star in a galaxy aligning, for a dazzling eclipse of wonder and awesomeness.

(More here, here, here, and here.)


By Shim Jeong-Ah (read my resume here)

Of course, I've seen things like this before: back when I was studying for a Ph.D. in astrophysics at Harvard and journalism at Yale (I had goal deadlines to meet), while flying through the air on my magic carpet and surfing the internet by mind control through the WIFI plate installed in my skull, I spotted three articles that were exactly the same, too.

While I agree with Dr. Hwang that it was probably simply a coincidence that the three articles seemed so similar (like the sheer coincidence that a computer printout of a Yale degree fell out of my printer and into my job application, while a gust of wind blew my ACTUAL multiple-Ph.D. certificates OUT of the folder at the same time), the other two sites have responded to allegations of plagiarism, one by deleting the post in question, and the other by adding a link, so that all can wonder at the incredible coincidence of two word-for-word-identical articles appearing within a week of each other.

When asked for comment, Dokdoisours muttered, "I suppose it's satisfying." When asked if he'd like to retract his previous epithet, "idea-grubbing cocksuckers," the embattled reporter snarled, "ask again tomorrow." Grudgingly, he did finally acknowledge the quick responses of the other sites' webmasters when contacted. "They acted appropriately, and I appreciate their honesty."

The Chinese news source that faked a Chosun Ilbo article has not been reached, nor has it commented on its own part in grubbing ideas, leaving some to think it might actually have been a real coincidence. . . but let's not push it.

Wednesday 20 August 2008

Korean Women's Beach Volleyball Team Wants Another Shot At Glory

In a recent interview, Korea's two best women's beach volleyball teams expressed a wish for another chance to qualify for the 2008 Beijing Olympics, after they were eliminated due to a miscommunication over equipment.

"While it's a bit late now, we feel that the rules weren't communicated to us properly," says Jang Yeon-Jung. "We arrived at the tournament expecting all the other teams -- Brazil, Italy, America -- to be on a level playing field, but they all moved around so much more easily than we did." At that qualifying tournament in April, both Korean teams were eliminated from the Olympics.

It seems the coaching staff and qualifying tournament organizers never told either team that high heels were not part of the required outfit for competition.

"We thought," tournament organizer Hai Fongling, "that they'd take the heels off when they got on the court, and then we thought they would when they saw the other women playing barefoot -- but they didn't. One team even stopped play at one point to tape up blisters on one of their feet, but they just never took those heels off."

The two women's pairs that got "bumped": from left, Jang Yeon-Jung, Kim Young-Jung, Park Jang-Yeom, and Lee Jung-Young.

"We did all our training in heels, too," Park Jang-Yeom explained to DokdoIsOurs, "We would have been able to run better and practice longer if our feet hadn't been in constant pain." The two pairs, along with the Korean Olympic commission, is filing a formal protest and applying for a special, provisory ticket into the beach volleyball tournament, already underway, for the four competitors.

When asked why they should be given special admission to the Olympics, the four girls expressed a strong wish to compete, win, and meet "those hot decathletes," Kim Young-Jung giggled, blushing. "I prefer swimmers," Lee Jung-Young said, "I'd love to give Park Tae-Hwan a ride he'll never forget! Oops! I mean, I want to participate in sport at its best!"

"We think that we would have gone over very well on Korean TV and at the Olympics; It's really frustrating to see Jang Mi-Ran go to Gold Medal glory in Beijing, when we could have been there too, and we're much hotter."

Tuesday 19 August 2008

Thursday 14 August 2008

Genealogies Prove Michael Phelps Is Korean

Ancient archives recently discovered by Buddhist scholars in Kyungju have proven that Michael Phelps, America's gold-medal-winning olympian, is actually Korean.

See the resemblance?  Phelps, above, and Korea's own other golden boy, Park Tae-Hwan, below.

Ko Ji-Mal, an ancient archivist, was looking through old texts and records trying to prove Dokdo belongs to Korea recently, when he came across a parchment of lost genealogies.

"I nearly dropped my pen . . . I mean, magnifying glass . . . when I realized the name Pel Puh-suh, of a Korean emmigrant to the United States, could be Americanized into the name 'Phelps'"  Ko Ji-Mal said in his first interview since releasing his documents to the public.

"It seems there was a family of seamen living in the East Sea"
"You mean the Sea of Japan?" Dokdoisours asked, to be sure of locations.
"East Sea, motherfucker."
"That's what we call it in English.  Sea of Japan." 
"Do you want this interview or not?"
"So, in the East Sea."
"Exactly.  They seemed to be excellent swimmers: the youngest brother of Pel Puh-suh regularly swam to Dokdo to hunt Korean crabs, according to these parchments."
"Is that a 3M logo on the bottom corner of your parchment?"
"Do you want this interview or not?"
"My bad.  I see it is an ancient forgotten Chinese character that closely RESEMBLES the 3M logo."
"Thank you.  Anyway, Pel Puh-suh decided to swim East one day, and go to America."
"Isn't Japan East of Korea?"
"Shush.  You don't understand our ancient culture."
"Anyway, as far as the records show, Pel Puh-suh swam all the way to Maryland, where Michael Phelps was born."
"Maryland is a landlocked state."
"Why don't you go back where you came from, if you're just going to find all the flaws in everything I say?  This document proves. . . PROVES that Michael Phelps is Korean, and all his gold medals should go towards Korea's medal count."

Upon closer inspection of the ancient parchments, and extreme duress, Dokdoisours was eventually convinced as well, that the parchments are indeed authentic.  In fact, it is the opinion of this journalist that Phelps should immediately cover over the Stars and Stripes on his uniform and replace them with the beloved Taegukki.  In this important exploration of Korea's history, such revelations are an important part of our obvious superiority to all other races heritage.

Other famous personages who were actually Korean:

Albert Einstein
Hwang Woo-Suk
Mao Tse-Tung
Abraham Lincoln
Florence Nightingale
Kim Possible
Charlie Chaplin
The guy who eventually cures cancer.
Judy Garland

Saturday 9 August 2008

A Totally Objective Review of The Dark Knight

Oh. My. FREAKING. God.  I just saw The Dark Knight in the cinema, and I had to stay in my chair for ten minutes after the credits ended because I got so excited I peed in my pants a little bit.

The Dark Knight was totally the greatest movie in the history of Superhero films. In the history of films. This movie was like, totally, the best movie ever in the world -- even better than the previous best movie ever in the world, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull, and the Best Movie Ever In The World before that, Iron Man, too!  It has been a golden age for cinema, these last few years, truly, with an unprecedented string of movies each topping the other for the new title of Greatest Film Of All Time.  First SpiderMan 3, then Transformers beat out previous greats like Godfather and Citizen Kane in 2007 (the first year I got a part-time job and could go to movies without my parents), and then this year, the all-time-toppers just won't quit!

The movie's acting was like, totally awesome, and the writing was like, wow, man, I mean, how do you come up with this stuff, like that part where they turned the camera upside down -- I won't tell you when or why, but YOU'LL know, and I was like, "Whoa!" or when that truck did a totally awesome flip right over, or how Commissioner Gordon. . . you know. . . and Christian Bale was so cool too.  And the Joker was scary, and how Alfred's funny story helped Batman understand him, and how. . . I mean, every single thing was totally awesome, and there were no weaknesses.  Even some dumb people who didn't like the Bat-voice--like really, think about it!  I mean, he saw his parents get murdered!  Duh!  That'd screw up anyone!  Give the guy a flipping  break!

The movie was so good I kept imagining that I could be in the movie, too, except I'd be, like, half iron man and half Wolverine, so that steel claws would come out of my hands, but also I could have computer readouts in front of my vision, and then Batman and I would totally uppercut some stupid ninjas in the ass, and sneak some beers from Alfred's fridge into the Bat-Cave.  Yeah.  That'd make an awesome movie.  I can imagine it right now.  It would start with an army of cyborg space-monsters invading Gotham City, and they'd take over the world, except for one man: The Bat-man.  And Wolveriron-man (me) oops.  Except for TWO MEN: Bat-man, and Wolver-IronMan!  

Yeah.  I'm gonna start writing that now.

Sunday 3 August 2008

JYP's New Group to Assimilate All K-Pop Into One Group

Jin-young Park, the K-Pop producing god, is merging the delightful Wonder Girls (원더걸스),

and the overwhelming Girls' Generation (SNSD or 소녀시대)
into a single supergroup, named "Amoeba" or "아메바"

"It started one day when I accidentally put 'Tell Me' on Girls' Generation's playlist instead of the Wonder Girls' setlist," JYP said.  "When I heard them sing the song, I seriously didn't realize it was the wrong group until about two thirds through the thing.  That sort of planted the seed.

Next I got the Wonder Girls to sing an SNSD song -- "Kissing You" -- and dude, it might have been the hangover, but I could barely tell the difference.

JYP takes off his ever-present sunglasses and stares off into the sky, and whistles through his cheeks, amazed at his own cleverness. "I just thought I'd combine them, you know."

Dokdoisours barely dared ask questions in the face of such a shining genius. "So, you think they'll be even bigger, when they're together?"

"Of course, dumbass! I'm gonna start something here. Amoeba's gonna absorb some of the other JYP bands -- Rain's coming on board after his Hollywood career fails, and then we hope to get Lee Jung-Hyun in -- she hasn't done anything new lately, to bring a little spice and veteran savvy. . . "

"From there, the sky's the limit -- I mean, imagine Lee Hyori shaking her bitty bits to the 'Tell Me Dance' -- nobody could stop us! This is the next stage of the Korean Wave, I'm telling you -- we'll start absorbing Hong Kong and Japanese groups too, until nobody will be able to resist us!"

"So you're not just doing this to save time, managing TWO teen girl groups?" Dokdoisours dared to ask.

"Hell no! This is the future of music! I see a world where everyone -- every single human being -- is part of the band! That's my vision! I've already proven anybody can be a pop star! What's left to accomplish?"

Dokdoisours nodded his head, totally bested by JYP's flawless logic.

"Anyway," JYP said sullenly, lighting a cigarette, "If we don't do it, Japan will."

(More on JYP here.)