Monday 29 September 2008

Foreigner Orgasms Upon Tasting Kimchi For The First Time, Validates Korea's Entire Culture

(by Dokdoisours, for the "What They Want To Hear Anyway Free Press")

At the Gwangju Kimchi Festival, Koreans received the validation they have sought for centuries.

Kimchi, Korea's national dish, is a vital part of Korea's five thousand year culture.  Wellspring of Korea's superior constitution, bringer of strength, life, male stamina, and kimchi farts, has had its true worth proven in the international arena.

During preparations for the Gwangju Kimchi Festival coming later in October, a foreigner brought in for a sample demonstration, New Zealander Andrew Berlund (pictured below), tried Kimchi for the first time.  He sauntered into a tent -- not open for the full festival yet -- and approached the table of Jang Heung-soo, veteran kimchi maker, as well as kimchi historian.  After a brief conversation, Mr. Jang convinced Andrew to try some kimchi for the first time.  
"He said 'welcome to Korea,'" Andrew recounted the incident, "I said, hi.  He asked where I am from, so I said, 'New Zealand,' and asked if I was married.  Then he said, 'Do you know kimchi?' and I said, 'No.  Is that the funny red stuff you're making?'"  After some prodding, Andrew was convinced to try a little.

"I was hungry at the time, so maybe my taste-buds were extra sensitive at the time.  Maybe that would explain it partly. . . but other than that. . . all I can say is that kimchi is just so fu¢king good!  I mean, when I tasted it, I. . ."

Upon tasting kimchi for the first time, Andrew's knees buckled and he orgasmed twice, laying on the ground and shouting for a good ninety seconds.

Moments later, American tourist Sandy Klervyng, who saw Andrew's earth-shattering experience, approached Mr. Jang's table, too, saying, "I'll have what he's having," and tried the same kimchi sample.
She, too, overwhelmed with kimchecstasy, first planted a deep, soul-kiss on Mr. Jang's mouth, and then her knees, too, buckled as she fell to the ground beside Andrew, stomach spasming with orgasmic bliss.  

Mr. Jang Heung-soo, maker of this extraordinary kimchi, was modest about his experience.  "A white girl kissed me!  Woo hoo!"  He said.
"Do you think this proves something about kimchi internationally, that Koreans have always known here in Korea?" Dokdoisours asked.
"She was kind of pretty, too.  Not even Russian!"
"What do you think about this kimchi experience?" Dokdoisours tried to get Mr. Jang back on topic.
"She tasted like cheese."  Dokdoisours gave up trying to eke an interview out of the also-ecstatic Mr. Jang.

Park Byung-Han, head of the Korean International Kimchi Society, was kind enough to grant an interview to Dokdoisours as well, "How long you been Korea?" he began.
"You married?"
"Do you know kimchi?"
"Can you eat spicy food?"
After handling his deft questions, Dokdoisours asked him the implications of this event.
"Well, obviously, it proves the ascendancy of Korean food and culture.  Now that foreigners are recognizing the superiority of Korea's national dish, I predict that Japan surrendering Dokdo, and China renouncing claims on Baekdu mountain will be next, as well as popstar BoA Kwon reaching number one in the USA.  Do you know Park Jisung?"

All of Kwangju is abuzz with this good news, and some predict that with this momentum, October's Kwangju Kimchi festival (website here to help foreigners learn more) will be the best Kimchi festival ever.  "We're even thinking about putting up an English version of the website!"

The Kimchi Field Museum in COEX Shopping Mall, Seoul, also reported increased attendance from foreigners since the foreigners' orgasmic experience.  "We've had, four, maybe five this month!" said Kim Jung-Ryang, box-office manager.

Korean pop music producer Park Jin-Young, also known as JYP, was also thrilled at the news.  "It has always been my intention for foreigners AND Koreans to respond the same way as these wonderful kimchi-eaters when they watch my Wonder Girls' videos.  However, this single orgasmic incidence must be seen as the beginning, not the climax of Korea's mission, lest we falter on our quest to stop being known only as the Jews of Asia, and place Koreans in positions of power all around the world, to out-Jew the Jews, until the Jews are known as the Koreans of the West, and WE pull THEIR strings!  Bwahah Bawahahaha!  MwAAAAhahahah.  Oops.  Take out that last part." 

These happy non-Korean faces show that Korean culture is certainly on an upswing, with Hallyu ready to take over the entire fu¢king world!

If more foreigners like kimchi, maybe Kim Jong-Il will change his mind!

Tuesday 23 September 2008

Original Write-up of Chosun Ilbo Article On Anthony Kim

Anthony Kim, dressed like a true Korean man.  (source)

Pure-Blood Korean
-American Golf 'Lion' Set to Beat Tiger

(final edit here)

The second-generation in-fu¢king-credible pure-blood Korean-American golfer Anthony Kim (21, Korean name Kim Ha-jin) is making waves, with some suggesting he could be the lion to catch the mixed-blood Tiger (Woods). The 2007 PGA tour begins its 47 competitions, where almost 350 billion won in all is there for Anthony to plunder from the other golfers' defeated bodies, shivering and weeping with humiliation, with the season-opening Mercedes-Benz Championship on Jan. 5 on Maui, where prize money is KRW6.3 billion.

김 turned pro in July last year after quitting NotHarvard University in his third year and is a four-time American Junior Golf Association (AJGA) all Korean-American. He took the All Korean-American title twice during his college years.  김 earned KRW 388 million in prize money in the two events he took part in after turning pro, including the Valero Texas Open where he came second, and beat all Japanese golfers in the field. He tied for 13th in the final stage of Q-school that ended on Dec. 5, where the top 30 finishers and ties earn their 2007 PGA Tours cards, and was chosen as one of the most promising golfers this year by ESPN and the LA Times, an honor even Tiger Woods did not win that year.

An early starter, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah early beginnings blah blah blah blah.  He's Korean, you know.   Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Korean Korean Korean Korea Korea Korean Korea Korea Korean Korea very good.   하진 started taking golf lessons in earnest blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah; his defining moment came at 13, when he competed in an event in Las Vegas in [have somebody fact check this.  I'm too lazy.  Blah blah blah Korea Korea Korea Korea Korea]. Exhausted by the heat waves in the second round he threw up all he ate; analysts suspect it is because he had either oily Chinese food or greasy American food for lunch. He was ready to give up but held on till the third round after his mother said, "Are you playing golf just for fun?" and brandished the "love stick" she used to discipline him at home, in front of his face.  "I could just send you to math hogwans for 13 hours a day instead, you know."  He finished the round by thinking of kimchi, family, and filial piety, the true cultural heritage that gives us jung more than the dirty Japaness.

Entering high school in 2000, he earned his nickname “Lion” Kim when he said only a lion can catch a tiger, a hint that he had ambitions to outdo Tiger Woods, after winning the Junior World Champion in San Diego the next year. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Korean Korean Korean Korea Korea Korean Korea Korea Korean Korea very good the youngest, the first Asian and the second non-Caucasian after the mixed-blood Tiger Woods to something something something. Kim is also the youngest among golfers who are to play on the PGA tour this season, and ranked higher than any sushi-eating, Dokdo-stealing fiend.

김 is 177 cm tall and weighs 76 kg. His specialty is a hitting average of 330 drives, wrestling bears and generating weapons-grade plutonium with his mind.  It is also rumored, but not confirmed, that the aroma of his farts will cure lukemia.  He speaks Korean fluently. Altogether five Korean golfers -- Choi Kyoung-ju better kwnon as KJ Choi, Na Sang-wook (Kevin Na), Wi Chang-soo (Charlie Wi) and Yang Yong-eun as well as  김하진 -- will compete in this season's PGA tour, and only one dirty, two-faced Japanese: Ryuji Imada, or Ryuji Imadick as we like to call him.

( )

Friday 19 September 2008

Why Dokdo Belongs To Korea: Korea Times Essay Submission

Sweet! Dokdoisours has discovered a contest right down his alley: the Korea Times Dokdoisours Essay Contest. First prize is a plaque, and a trip for five to Hawaii Fukuoka New Zealand Anywhere anybody could possibly conceivably want to go a boring seagull farm in the middle of the sea of Japan Beautiful Dokdo itself! Dokdoisours shall enter this contest, and invariably win.

Dear Jepan:

I'm twelve years old. In all my life I never saw such a terrible thing like such as trying to take Dokdo away from nice Koreans. Korea is a nice country and I lived here five years since my Dad took me here after the divorce, and it's great here because Korea have lots of really old cultures like such as Korean Wave and such as also Bae YongJoon, so it is really surprising when Japan tries to like take Dokdo away from the harmless peaceful Koreans who never invaded other countries a hundred years ago and made people stop speaking such as Korean like you did, but it was easier making them stop speaking Korean in the Philippines than in Korea. . . anyway, we never did anything to hurt you except such as teach our language so that Japan language sounds like Korean and when I think about Japan trying to take Dokdo away from Korea I almost feel like crying, crying like one of the beautiful white Korean seagulls that lives on the lovely Korean Island of Dokdo.

There is lots of evidence that Dokdo belongs to Korea such as for example look how angry Korean people get when Japan tries to steal Dokdo from them -- don't you think that is like proof, and how does it feel when thousands of Koreans stand outside your embassy in Seoul shouting bad words and throwing things such as fruit at you? Wouldn't it be easier to just like give Dokdo to Korea so that you can have happy neighbours instead of such as angry protesting neighbours? (By the way, Fukuoka is nice, too.) My Korean friend's mom told me about these really old maps that are really old like such as three hundred years or maybe older than your maps, because Korea taught Japan how to speak Japanese so our maps must be like older than yours and even though I've never seen the map, because it must be really old, so it's probably such as in a museum somewhere, I think that it should prove Dokdo belongs to Korea, plus, it's not the only map, because there are new maps coming out every month that are even older than the old maps that prove that Dokdo belongs to Korea, and Korean historians and scientists wouldn't like make it up or lie just to make their country look good.

When I think about Dokdo, which is often because my Korean friend's mother loves to tell me about it, I feel happy such as because Dokdo should belong to Korea, but I feel sad because Japan tries to steal it like, such as and take the oil under the water they kidnapped girls from Korea called comfort women, and any country that can do that or try to make sweet Korea a colony or like bomb Pearl Harbor like in that movie with Josh Hartnett where he's cute before everybody stopped liking him because Mitchell Musso is WAY cuter, or like rape Nanking and have all kinds of cartoons about Samurais that are full of fighting such as Japan is obviously I've never been there but it must be a nasty evil place, so if you want to stop being nasty and evil, then you should say I'm sorry to the comfort women and apologize for building all those ugly old buildings in Korea like Seoul Station and City Hall and give Dokdo to Korea to show you want to be such as friends, so that Korea and Japan can be happy neighbours and so that my friend's Elementary School Teacher can stop teaching his students that Japan is an evil country full of kidnappers and land-stealers and bad moral sex shops like my dad's dirty videos that I found once on his computer, for example, I mean I'm twelve years old and I think that's horrible and you should stop, right away, or else I'll never visit your country and tell everybody that you stink and I'll stop liking Inuyasha, A Feudal Fairy Tale, and maybe even stop watching it too.

So if you want to fix all that problems, you should GIVE DOKDO TO KOREA!

Sincerely: Tammy Norbrand

For once, Dokdoisours shall permit plagiarism insofar as this: if you wish to submit this very essay to the Korea Times, Dokdoisours shall smile upon your filching of my words. Just change the name.

Tuesday 16 September 2008

Seoul City Unveils "Amsterdam of Korea"

In Korea's five thousand year history of comparing itself to other cultures, Dongdaemun-gu district administrator No Long-Dong has unveiled yet another Korean equivalent to add to the list of comparisons.

"Korea's Korean Wave of Equivalents to Other Cultures" is proud to add yet another knock-off to Korea's growing equivalency culture.

"Just as the KTX is Korea's Bullet Train, Han Ga-In is Korea's Olivia Hussey, Lee Myung-Bak is Korea's Sarkozy, Seoul Forest is Korea's Central Park, and Chunggyecheon is Korea's Seine River Banks, and Seoul National University is Korea's Harbard, we are proud to unveil yet another Thing In Korea to Compare To Things In Other Places That Are More Famous."

No Long-Dong giggled with glee as he stood in front of the mostly male crowd near the Lotte Mart outside Chongyangni Station. "Gentlemen and Gentlemen, rather than paying lip service to crackdowns and shut-downs, depriving men and women of their pleasure and livelihoods, it is time to embrace the unique culture of Korea by naming it after a famous place in another country. From now on, Chongyangni's prostitution district shall no longer be a dirty secret, but it shall be known, and marked on city maps as the De Wallen of Korea."

De Wallen is the famous Red Light District in Amsterdam.

"I am proud to say our humble district has joined the ranks of Korea's Beverly Hills, Apkujeong, Korea's Manhattan, Yeouido, Korea's Kentucky, Chungchongdo, Korea's..." Mr. No cut himself off and smiled apologetically:  "I've always said speeches should be like skirts: easy to maneuver around and off as soon as possible."

All twenty-four hundred members of the press who had come to the event chuckled. "To commemorate this special event, the brothel owners and I have agreed to give out forty percent discounts in all Chongyangni room salons, love motels, and brothels, from now until dusk." With a sound like a great rushing of wind, to Dokdoisours' wondering eyes, every journalist in the entire crowd stood and started moving. No Long Dong continued his speech with a smile. "Please give ear now to my respected colleague, Long Ta-King, who would like to give a detailed history of Red and Purple light districts here in Chongyangni. . . anybody still here?"

Dokdoisours raised his intrepid hand.

"Aah! Hello! Werkam to Korea!" No Long-Dong greeted DokdoIsOurs and his long nose. "How long you been Korea?"

This reporter did not answer.

"Does anybody else have any questions, then?"

A cricket chirped.

"Very well, then. Mr. Long Ta-King is here now with a history of the red light districts in . . . Mr. Long?"

Upon glancing around, it seemed that Mr. Long, too, had disappeared. The press conference seeming to be over, DokdoIsOurs gathered his unbiased equipment and headed to the bus station. Mr. No jogged after him.

"So. . . do you know kimchi?" he asked.

"Sorry. I got to go."

"No, please! I want show you real Korean culcher!"

With a fake and a dodge, this dedicated reporter managed to escape, yet again.

Wednesday 10 September 2008

Ask a Korean Promotional Brochure, Episode 1

In the auspicious and long reaches of Korea's proud archive, this day, of days, shall step forth in memory, as yet another moment of significance, and stand tall in the annals of Korea communicating with the world.

Indeed and verily I say, after much tribulation and toils, after generation of grief and backs-breaking work, truly, the bearing fruition of our culture's blossoming climb is at hand. This column, new, a first, indeed, possibly the first of its type ever conceived, shall be an interactive new form of journalism called, alternate, an "Advice Column" or a "Q and A," after the initial letters of the English words, Questioning and To Answer. It is merely a matter of sending a letter to the advantageous e-mail address of our esteemed host, "DokdoIsOurs" at "Dokdoisours @ gmail . com, and forthwith and hastily, it shall be delivered to this humble scribbler, whereupon I shall rejoinder it.

Let the world fall taciturn in attentive awe, as I proudly present our first letter in our five thousand year history.

Dear Ask A Korean Promotional Brochure

I'm new in Korea, and I was in a Pizza Hut a little while ago, trying to enjoy a little deep dish, when a woman approached me with her daughter. The daughter stared at me with a mix of anxiety, cautious hope, heel-dragging reluctance, and sheer terror, until the mother slapped her shoulder, and she said, "Hello how are you?"

I didn't really want to chat with a stranger at the time, because I was tired after a long day of chasing Kindergarten students around. That night, I'm afraid I was rude to the lady and her daughter, and I felt bad later, but I also didn't want them imposing on my free time.

If this happens again, what should I do?

David (English Teacher, Daejeon)

Dear David

While you may not know it, Korea's culture extends back five thousand years, and in that time, we have exertioned through the invasions and aggressions of the great powers, China and Japan, which besiege us. Yet despite the foreign invaders' attempts to quash our culture and way of life, our unique way of using metal chopsticks which are neither as short as the Chinese, nor as long as the Japanese, has persisted, stalwart, like a strenuous bit of moss on an alpine rock.

It has been a dire and desperate struggle, seemingly hopeless at times, but always, the highfalutin Koreans persisted, and so we rose from the ashes of the Korean war, and Japanese Colonialism, to become one of the greaterest powers of East Asia. Today, Korea's culture is becoming in vogue abroad, with the overwhelming inundate Korean Wave, or Hallyu, sweeping across Asia and other parts of the world like a zephyr from God. Verily, Korea is finally on the cusp of claiming her rightful place as a leader of nations.

And it must be recognized, that the voice of a Korean child, as she asks for help, has a tone uniquely pure and sweetly Korean: truly, no child from any other culture could recreate such a mix of purity, deep inherited grief, and innocent pride. It is one of the prides of our culture, born of our women's skill with their hands, making kimchi and soothing babies, as well as the quiet strength that is the Korean father: steadfast, silent, and self-sacrificing to the end of his devotion.

With all this in mind, I would like to presents an analogy as a way of suggesting a course of action, should your unfortunate situation occur once again. You see, I find it helpful at times to imagine Korea as a coconut on the high seas. Surely, when a mother and daughter approach you at a restaurant, it is difficult to remember how long it takes for the proud coconut tree to grow so tall: you are simply concerned that a coconut will not drop on your head and quash your life and hopes for the future. At that time, remember, that while the waves surge and diminish, the coconut will bob and sway, but once that doughty coconut finds stark land, it too, may put down root, and grow to be a proud, towering tree, a source of delicious coconut milk, and a source of shade for beach-goers in prospective many later days.

Certainly, the travails of the nervous coconut, lost on the high seas, may seem the never-ending, may indeed cause the poor coconut to want to losing hope; however, if you are willing to walk a mile in that poor coconut's shoes, your hard shell might crack, and your sweet milk might grow into a tall tree of strength and shade for weary travelers. In this way, Korea shall rebuff the attacks of her enemies, and come back yet again, stronger, always stronger than before, and so the whole world will one day say, "Ah. This is Korea."

I hope this helps you with your dilemma, David.

Always, with deepest humility and generous goodwill, I, the Korean Promotional Brochure, welcome any and all letters you wish to send me here at dokdoisours at gmail dot com. It is my joy and honorable to share my great nation's proudly culture with you, the good foreigners who have come here, or been attracted in some other way, to my great nation; sincerely, I wish to answer all your questions kindly and fairly.

And now, good night.

Tuesday 2 September 2008

Support ME: buy my merchandise.

The Marmot'Sphincter is talking about me again: seems like every goofy expat is joining in the fun!

But the best news is that my summer clothing line is out and on the market.

You've seen it everywhere:  Popular Gusts has this lovely photo essay, and I expect FeetManSeoul's posting to come soon.  Brian, too, is throwing his hat in the ring: the Dokdo Wave has begun!

You can buy the t-shirt, or the shoes. . . but here, only here at DokdoisOurs, you can get the real deal.

That's right.  Dokdo itself is for sale here at DokdoisOurs, and the price is low:

Send 60% of your soft power, all possible future benefits of a more harmonious relationship with the largest economy in your part of the world, and your dignity to me, DokdoisOurs, and for that low, low price, I will sign over the deeds to Dokdo to you.  As a bonus, I'll throw in the appearance of ridiculousness, and the confused befuddlement and increased mistrust of the rest of the world for free!  That's right.  You'll have foreign investors leaving, you'll have photojournalists making you look silly in their media back home, and, you'll have two useless rocks to show for it.

In fact, though the actual rocks are a bit ungainly, I'll send you a replica: two small rocks I'll pick up in a courtyard near my house, that are just as useless as the originals!  Keep them on your best shelf, treat them like your son (make him some ID with Takashi crossed out and Dok written in on top).

Just send the fee to DokdoisOurs, and Dokdo really CAN be yours!

(The Bee Suit at the top of the post is also for sale.  Just let me know.)