Monday 29 September 2008

Foreigner Orgasms Upon Tasting Kimchi For The First Time, Validates Korea's Entire Culture

(by Dokdoisours, for the "What They Want To Hear Anyway Free Press")

At the Gwangju Kimchi Festival, Koreans received the validation they have sought for centuries.

Kimchi, Korea's national dish, is a vital part of Korea's five thousand year culture.  Wellspring of Korea's superior constitution, bringer of strength, life, male stamina, and kimchi farts, has had its true worth proven in the international arena.

During preparations for the Gwangju Kimchi Festival coming later in October, a foreigner brought in for a sample demonstration, New Zealander Andrew Berlund (pictured below), tried Kimchi for the first time.  He sauntered into a tent -- not open for the full festival yet -- and approached the table of Jang Heung-soo, veteran kimchi maker, as well as kimchi historian.  After a brief conversation, Mr. Jang convinced Andrew to try some kimchi for the first time.  
"He said 'welcome to Korea,'" Andrew recounted the incident, "I said, hi.  He asked where I am from, so I said, 'New Zealand,' and asked if I was married.  Then he said, 'Do you know kimchi?' and I said, 'No.  Is that the funny red stuff you're making?'"  After some prodding, Andrew was convinced to try a little.

"I was hungry at the time, so maybe my taste-buds were extra sensitive at the time.  Maybe that would explain it partly. . . but other than that. . . all I can say is that kimchi is just so fu¢king good!  I mean, when I tasted it, I. . ."

Upon tasting kimchi for the first time, Andrew's knees buckled and he orgasmed twice, laying on the ground and shouting for a good ninety seconds.

Moments later, American tourist Sandy Klervyng, who saw Andrew's earth-shattering experience, approached Mr. Jang's table, too, saying, "I'll have what he's having," and tried the same kimchi sample.
She, too, overwhelmed with kimchecstasy, first planted a deep, soul-kiss on Mr. Jang's mouth, and then her knees, too, buckled as she fell to the ground beside Andrew, stomach spasming with orgasmic bliss.  

Mr. Jang Heung-soo, maker of this extraordinary kimchi, was modest about his experience.  "A white girl kissed me!  Woo hoo!"  He said.
"Do you think this proves something about kimchi internationally, that Koreans have always known here in Korea?" Dokdoisours asked.
"She was kind of pretty, too.  Not even Russian!"
"What do you think about this kimchi experience?" Dokdoisours tried to get Mr. Jang back on topic.
"She tasted like cheese."  Dokdoisours gave up trying to eke an interview out of the also-ecstatic Mr. Jang.

Park Byung-Han, head of the Korean International Kimchi Society, was kind enough to grant an interview to Dokdoisours as well, "How long you been Korea?" he began.
"You married?"
"Do you know kimchi?"
"Can you eat spicy food?"
After handling his deft questions, Dokdoisours asked him the implications of this event.
"Well, obviously, it proves the ascendancy of Korean food and culture.  Now that foreigners are recognizing the superiority of Korea's national dish, I predict that Japan surrendering Dokdo, and China renouncing claims on Baekdu mountain will be next, as well as popstar BoA Kwon reaching number one in the USA.  Do you know Park Jisung?"

All of Kwangju is abuzz with this good news, and some predict that with this momentum, October's Kwangju Kimchi festival (website here to help foreigners learn more) will be the best Kimchi festival ever.  "We're even thinking about putting up an English version of the website!"

The Kimchi Field Museum in COEX Shopping Mall, Seoul, also reported increased attendance from foreigners since the foreigners' orgasmic experience.  "We've had, four, maybe five this month!" said Kim Jung-Ryang, box-office manager.

Korean pop music producer Park Jin-Young, also known as JYP, was also thrilled at the news.  "It has always been my intention for foreigners AND Koreans to respond the same way as these wonderful kimchi-eaters when they watch my Wonder Girls' videos.  However, this single orgasmic incidence must be seen as the beginning, not the climax of Korea's mission, lest we falter on our quest to stop being known only as the Jews of Asia, and place Koreans in positions of power all around the world, to out-Jew the Jews, until the Jews are known as the Koreans of the West, and WE pull THEIR strings!  Bwahah Bawahahaha!  MwAAAAhahahah.  Oops.  Take out that last part." 

These happy non-Korean faces show that Korean culture is certainly on an upswing, with Hallyu ready to take over the entire fu¢king world!

If more foreigners like kimchi, maybe Kim Jong-Il will change his mind!


Brian said...

You must be a foreigner, because only a stupid Westerner would sexualize something as important as kimchi. You know, this whole blog takes the tone of making fun of Korea. If you don't like it here, why don't you just go home?!?! What, tired of flipping burgers?!? I guess you have to sexualize kimchi if you're too frustrated from striking out with KOREAN WOMEN! Loser. Just go back home to Canada before you steal any more of the pictures that I stole first.

Not to change the subject, the random word verification thing just spelled a real word.

Anonymous said...

uhhh....the chick on the left is hot...I'd hit that.

Brian said...

I met one of those women this weekend at the Gwangju International Community Day. I think I'm obligated to attend next week, but, please promise me, if I end up elbow deep in kimchi, come over and punch me in the mouth. If I wind up on Naver with kimchi on my shirt I'll have to retire.

Dokdo Is Ours said...

Punch you in the mouth?

I'll take your picture!