Sunday 20 December 2009

Guest Editorial from The Korea Times' Leaky Frappucino Cap

Setting the Record Straight

Starbucks Korea has recently learned about some "misunderstandings" regarding our line of to-go drinks, and our frappucino caps in particular.

Rather than name names or nitpick about the exact details, we would like to take a moment to explain ourselves. First of all, our Frappucino has its own good reasons for being leaky. In fact, to defend himself, in his own words, here is our frappucino himself.

"Hi. I'm a bottled Starbucks Frappucino. I'm so fresh I should be called bottled Freshuccino. I know that people have been blaming me for a lot of bad stuff, like soiling the pants of my golfing drinkers, or inconveniently, but seriously, nobody understands me. Listen, do you know what I've been through before you drink me down and toss me away, in a tawdry "Whappuccino, bappuccino, thank you frappuccino"? I live a hard life. My drinky goodness is heated to crazy hot temperatures in a horrific process called "pasteurization" -- believe me, for packaged drinks, pasteurization is like military service for Korean men: we're never the same again. Then, the lid is jammed clumsily onto me, by a big machine that doesn't even introduce itself. Those of us who don't survive pasteurization and bottling have our shattered wrecks brushed aside and left on the assembly line floor, like a warning to the rest of us. Being crammed in a box with more of my kind, shipped in the dark, stored in the cold, and then drunk and discarded: seriously, we could go for a little sympathy, instead of a bunch of whining that we're a bit leaky. You'd be leaky, too.

Plus, my parents never loved me.

So next time your frappucino bottle leaks on your gym shorts, instead of swearing and cursing me, why don't you slow down, take a look at me, and maybe offer up a little TLC, or some sympathy. It might not mean a lot to you, but after the crappy life I've had, I'm about to go hide on a beach somewhere to cut someone's foot. And it'd be your fault."

The Korea Times: there might be a rapist at work in your neighborhood, but Demi Moore just got plastic surgery.

How about our new slogan?