Saturday 10 October 2009

Dokdo Week: Part 1: Other Ways to let the world know Dokdo Belongs To Korean

It is time to re-claim Dokdo for Korea: our historians, those brilliant minds who invented "Fan Fiction" long before it took a totally different form and became popular on the internet, have been spending their days and months researching and brainstorming, trying to find a truly fool-proof, fail-safe strategy to claim Dokdo as Korea's territory.

Hand out flyers in New York City that say "독도는 우리땅"

Manufacture rolls of toilet paper with brown spots on them in the shape of the Dokdo Islands.

Condoms with Dokdo on the case, and the words "This belongs to Korea, too" on the side.

McDokDo: like the McDLT, except instead of a hot part and a cold part, two mounds of meat shaped like Dokdo.

Full page ads in the Chosun Ilbo.

Export our language to other countries.

Make a TV series set on Dokdo. Put Bae Yong-joon in it, so that Japanese will be hypnotized by His Ajummaness and we can brainwash them into believing Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Give away free dokdo hugs. And free dokdo cookies. And free dokdo mudpies. In Insadong.

Get Korean girls to only sleep with Western unqualified dirty English teachers if the teacher says "Dokdo belongs to Korea" first. Then it's OK, or at least morally neutral.

Get Cat Stevens to convert to Koreanism and write songs about Dokdo.

Convince protestant prosletyzers to spend one day a week prosletyzing for Dokdo instead of for Jesus.

Send a hundred e-mails a day. To everyone. Maybe convince the Viagra/Cialis guy to add "Dokdo Belongs to Korea" to his e-mail advertisements.

Sexy dance contest. We do that for everything.

Take a regular product. Put the word Dokdo on the package. Add a 75% markup. Give 5% of the markup to Dokdo for more New York Times ads. That'll do it.

Win a Nobel Prize by discovering more bacteria on Dokdo. Proclaim Dokdo is Korea's land during the acceptance speech.

Start a campaign to rename The Rolling Stones "Dokdo," the same way we're renaming The East Sea.

Approach foreigners in the bath house.

A protest in Gwanghwamun Plaza. That'll mess up LMB.

Name our children Dokdo. All of them.

Dokdo cologne. Made with real seagull shit from Dokdo. (ps: not even a joke)

Scratch "Dokdo Belongs to Korea" on Japanese National Monuments and cultural heritage sites.

Buy Sony products. 'cause damn. Those Japanese electronics are well-made!

Be rude to Japanese tourists until they give up and give us Dokdo.

Be rude to Japanese people when we travel to Japan until they give up and give us Dokdo.

Claim Fukuoka as Korean land, and in their eagerness to get Fukuoka back, they'll be glad to let us have Dokdo.

Throw shit at the Japanese Embassy. I'm pretty sure that actually worked once.

Get into a shoving match at the National Assembly. Seriously.

Make it a condition for North Korea's nuclear disarmament.

Get a young guy to dress up as an old lady, and have him fall down on TV.

Barack Obama likes bulgogi, so Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Make it a question on the standardized exam.

Build a training facility for the national soccer team on Dokdo.

Train Jindo dogs to bite anybody who says "Takashima" send them around the world.

Put Dokdo on the map during the news weather forecast. If we forecast the weather there, it MUST be ours.

Promise to lower import tariffs for Japanese products from 216% to 174%.

Force Japanese people we meet personally, to personally apologize for the comfort women, and declare that Dokdo belongs to Korea.

Videotape white people saying "독도는 우리땅" phonetically, even though they don't know what it means, and put it on TV, and watch it while touching ourselves.

Convert it into a missile silo, or build defensive gun turrets on the big one.

Get a little kid in a pink dress to stand on a stage and say Dokdo is Korean land.

Get a large group of seven-year-old girls to dress like cowboy cheerleaders and do a sexy dance to a Britney Spears song and put letters on the short-pants covering their asses so that when they lift up their skirts and moon the audience at the end of the song it spells "Dokdo belongs to Korea!" How cute and innocent!

Bring up Dokdo in every conversation with a foreigner, and get upset if they say anything other than "Yes. Now I see that Dokdo is Korean land, and Japan sucks balls. Thank you for enlightening me. Now, can I have more kimchi? I like it, even though it's too spicy for me. Now, let's practice English together."

Name restaurants in Seoul after Dokdo. And toys. And balloons. And cars. And pets. And pens and pencils. And kimchi refrigerators.

Make the lady who cut off her finger for Dokdo the Queen of Korea.

Get elementary students to draw pictures about how much they hate Japan.

Put people in slingshots and catapult their bodies over the fence of the Japanese embassy, until they get tired of cleaning up the body parts and give Dokdo to Korea.

Study hard.

Work hard and make Korea number one country and famous Korean success in English Premier League so that Korea many famous and then Korea army with Lee Sunshin army boat to big war and Korea famous so everybody like and then Dokdo is Korea land!

Get Korea Times comment board people to start writing letters to Japanese newspapers. Their clear-minded logical arguments are sure to convince the world.

No, Really. Sexy Dance.


Levi Kaufman said...

Get Cat Stevens to convert to Koreanism and write songs about Dokdo.

So much awesome in one sentence.

DSW said...

Haha. Another awesome post.

However, you forgot to mention "Trick America into paying our entire nation defense budget so we can spend ludicrous sums of our own money on promoting Dokdo awareness."