Friday 19 March 2010

Brian Orser to be Honorary Seoul Citizen; also "Anyone Else We Can Take"

In order for Korea to take more of the credit for Kim Yu-na's record-breaking gold medal performance at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, Seoul has invited Brian Orser to be an Honorary Citizen of Seoul. Orser will join other people like soccer coach Guus Hiddink and football star Heinz Ward. (Seoul City later discovered his name is spelled Hines, but it's already in the register as Heinz.)

"Seoul regularly finds people who have achieved impressive things, and hitches its wagon to their stars, hopefully to increase the city's international profile," explains Mr. Cho. This is why we have been coming up "___ of Korea" names for all of Korea's landmarks, people, and sites, for example Seoul Forest is Seoul's Central Park, Yeouido is Seoul's Manhattan, Apgujeong is Korea's Beverley Hills, Jeju Island is Korea's Hawaii, Rain is Korea's Justin Timberlake, and Bae Yong-joon is Korea's Julia Roberts. Also, Gyungbokgung will soon be known as Korea's Forbidden Kingdom, tallest mountain Hallasan will be known as Korea's Everest, and Lee Chan is Korea's James Brown."

"We have decided to name Brian Orser an honorary citizen of Seoul so that we can pretend that Yuna Kim was trained by a Korean, by reminding anybody who mentions that Yuna needed a Canadian trainer, that Orser is also a Korean citizen. This way, Korea can take maximum credit for Yuna's success, and we can share as little credit as possible with barbarians."

Other celebrities being considered for honorary Seoul citizenship include athletes Peyton Manning, Lionel Messi, Pele, Michael Phelps, Tiger Woods and Christiano Ronaldo, entertainers Meryl Streep, Jack Nicholson, Mick Jagger, Jeshica Gomeju, and Beyonce, entrepreneurs Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Warren Buffet, world leaders Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth II, and even fictional characters Jean Valjean, Harry Potter and Gandalf. "Really," says Cho, "anyone you can think of. We've even made a few deceased people Seoul Citizens, including Leonardo DaVinci, and, to strengthen Korea's claim to having invented the printing press, Johannes Gutenberg, as well as William Shakespeare, in hopes that it will help Koreans improve their English."

The register of Seoul citizenry seems to settle a few ancient disputes, as well: "Dokdo has been a citizen of Seoul for longer than even the oldest Japanese claim to the island... in fact, the first thing Dangun did after he was born, even before inventing the wheel, was to make Dokdo an official citizen of Seoul. It's there in the register, right before Baekdu Mountain and Jesus."


Anonymous said...


Brian said...

* Hines, not Heinz.

Is there any reason Korea doesn't want Sidney Crosby? "oooh, we have Orser, we don't need any more Canadians, they're all the same." This racist attitude is the reason I left your stupid country.

Dokdo Is Ours said...

Hines, you pittsburgh stickler!

What's a sidney crosby? You'll be happy to know four curling rocks from the 2010 games are Seoul Citizens, as well as the entire Dutch short track speed skating team.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the truth is funnier than fiction.