Monday 15 February 2010

Apolo Anton Ohno Discovered To Be Illegally Tutoring Korean Children

"Just look at that f&#king guy" - Yonhap News
 iPhone - SmartPhone images ยท Celebrities   Apolo Ohno
Apolo Anton Ohno, the much-reviled (in Korea) American short-track speed skater, has won silver medal in the men's 1500 meter race. Ohno is unique in the sports world for several reasons.

First, a survey discovered that there are more Koreans who hate Apolo Ohno than there are humans on the entire planet who can name three or more short-track speed skaters. Ohno is the first athlete in history for whom the hate directed toward him actually outweighs the world sum of knowledge about his sport.

Ohno credits the obscurity of his sport: "It's not that well known, though there ARE a lot of medals in it at the Olympics," but others suggest that the main reason for this unique statistic is Ohno's overwhelming douchery.

"Just look at that f$*@ing chin-beard," said Korean president Lee Myung-bak, when asked about Ohno's success.

While he is most hated in Korea for allegedly stealing the gold medal from Korean skaters in the 2002 Olympics, investigative reporters have recently uncovered, and reported extensively, on other reasons to hate his soul-patchiness. Paparazzi recently photographed Ohno in a cafe in Koreatown LA, giving English conversation lessons to a Korean university student. The IRS reported that he had not registered those lessons: he was tutoring illegally. It seems he also meets a group of elementary-age Korean-immigrants to play scrabble or chat twice a week.

Other crimes they have accused Ohno of: having a stupid soul-patch, driving a Honda, having a Sony flatscreen, calling his half-Korean ex-girlfriend "crazy", thinking kimchi for breakfast is "weird", having a stupid soul-patch, being a non-Korean multiple Olympic medal-winner, not knowing Park Ji-sung, laughing at Team America: World Police a little too much, being better-looking that all Korean olympians except Kim-Yuna, asking Kim Yuna if she was from North or South Korea, and seriously, that f*#&ing soul patch.

Also, at the post-race press conference, Ohno pulled down his skating suit pants, and revealed that he was wearing Korean flag underwear with a taeguki right over his butthole, at which point he ripped a loud fart. He then, gloated, "I'm miles better than all those crappy Korean skaters from that crappy country South Korea, full of crappy people and crappy food and crappy crap. Then he asked if any Korean journalists were in the press room, and insulted them with the thumb/forefinger gesture, told them Kimchi sucks, punched a Korean baby, ripped up photos of Admiral Lee Sunshin, Lee Young-ae, and Kim Dae-jung, cut a janggeum open with a knife, and shouted, "Takeshima belongs to Japan".


DSW said...

Haha, I never cared for that guy until now... Ohno is my hero.

Anonymous said...

What do you expect from the slutty little sister to the LA Times? Journalism? The koreans are legendary for their poor sportmanship conduct. Not just by the Japanese, but the Taiwanese to. Here is proof.

I wouldn't use the KT to wrap my fish in, it would disgrace the fish too much.

Tutoring in Chapel Hill said...

How legitimate is the source?

poker affiliate said...

Ohno re-dedicated himself after some time away from the track. and he is on the verge of becoming the most accomplished U.S Winter Games athlete ever. I hope he continues to dominate the short-track competitions.

Anonymous said...

uhh... this is a satire website that laughs at the aspects of Korean culture that are ripe to be pilloried. don't take it too seriously

-DIO (the author)

Anonymous said...

This is Fracking Hilarious!

The_Mon said...

<3 it!

Lizzie said...

nice dude! I'm with Korean Rum Diary that Ohno might be my new hero. I'm going to bring it up in class this afternoon just for fun :)

Anonymous said...

that's gold.
The more sport I watch in Korea the more I hate televised sport. The commentators are more like cheerleaders than actually reporting on the event.

pitchfest said...

You forgot to mention the well-known fact that Ohno's high performance diet primarily consists of Korean baby blood mixed with the pestled remains of the bones of Korean ancestors, obtained from tombs that he single-handedly desecrates when he visits in disguise on his regular trips to sleep with unsuspecting Korean women who think he is a regular gyopo who can't speak the language well. It's a kind of weird protein shake.

SuperFantabulous said...

Speed skating was lame until there was controversy.