Saturday 20 December 2008

Destruction of Seoul Averted; Wrath of God Stayed by Giant Thumbtack in Chunggyecheon

The giant thumbtack at the top of Chunggyecheon Square had its intended repellent effect on divine punishment last Tuesday, when God came down, full of wrath and vengeance, but poked his smiting fist on the sculpture, also known as "Spring," and stayed his horrible retribution in pain and surprise.

"Oh, my ME!  That really stung!" God told DokdoIsOurs in an exclusive interview.  "Hey.  Take off your shoes.  This is holy ground, sucka."

DokdoIsOurs dutifully removed his intrepid shoes.

"You know, ever since that beef thing, I've been thinking about it; I've smoted a few bikers who don't wear helmets -- but usually by making them choke on boiled eggs or oversized bees flying into their mouths. . . but honestly, even more than the littering and spitting in the street, or the institutionalized prostitution, it was my humanoid projection slipping in ramen vomit that just put me over the fu¢king edge.  Have you ever walked through Jongno early on a Sunday morning?  It's Me-damn disgusting!"

The sculpture was designed by Swedish sculptor Claes Oldenberg, and surprisingly, inspired by another set of sculptures not far away, in Hyehwa.  "Ja, I liked the poop design; it really matched my impression of touring Seoul, after growing up in Stockholm; however, for it to deter the wrath of God, both the Seoul Mayor Oh and I agreed we had to sharpen it up quite a bit."
(picture stolen from dry the rain's flickr page.  thanks, pal)

Just how sharp?  "The tip is lined with diamonds, laser-cut to only a few molecules wide at the sharp edge: it had to be pretty darn sharp to sway God's wrath, you know," Mr. Oldenberg said.

Some believe the sculpture, along with design plans for the revamped City Hall, was simply Seoul's attempt to become the new World Hub of Eyesores, a tough competition against its northern brethren's Ryugyeong Hotel.

However, Seoul Mayor Oh Se-Hoon knew the monument's true purpose from the beginning.

"I told Claes right from the beginning, we gotta make that thing sharp.  Sharp as hell, to keep God's heavenly smiting power far away from the sports massage parlors that are an important part of Korean Traditional Culture in the downtown area.  That was of vital importance to me and everyone else involved in the project." 

Asked whether he was attempting to top Pyongyang's own ugly monument, Mayor Oh seemed diffident.  "Oh, I don't know if I'd go that far.  I think Seoul's unique features should be evaluated on their own terms.  By the way, have you been to Seoul Forest, Central Park of Korea?"

In a later phone call, officials from Pyongyang claimed that the Ryugyeong Hotel has deterred no less than fourteen strikes of heavenly vengeance meant for North Korea and Kim Jong-Il, but had no comment on the puny, sycophantic spike at the top of the degraded lapdog stream, the names for the Chunggyecheon monument and the Chunggye Stream in the North Korean dialect.

When asked about the Ryugyeong Hotel in Pyongyang, God had no official comments, but muttered under his breath, "I hate that fu¢king thing."

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