Monday 9 March 2009

Korea Stomps China 14-0 in WBC. China Closes Borders to Korean Imports

In a surprising move, China responded to their embarrassing 14-0 defeat to South Korea in the World Baseball Classic by shutting the Chinese border to any and all Korean products.

"We were embarrassed by that score: they could have backed off and made it a little less embarrassing, but we felt it was time to remind those uppity little Koreans who's boss, before they start gloating," Shiao Yuen, China's sports representative explained.

As China is one of Korea's largest export markets, this move will be devastating for the local economy. "They should have thought about that after their five-run fifth inning," Yuen said. "Who's the bitch now, Korea?"

Koreans on the street, who had been cheering their heroes moments before, were quick to turn on them. "Sure, winning's nice, but don't they understand our unique situation? They should have thought more carefully about what happens when you cross China," said Kang Doo-jeong, a housewife in Daechi. "Now we'll probably all lose our homes. What country has suffered like Korea?"

China, on the other hand, considered various responses before choosing unilateral sanctions. "We were thinking about sending the thousands of Chinese living in Korea on the warpath: they're still there, embedded quietly, ready to mobilize in a heartbeat. Scenes like this could have caused Korea enough embarrassment to make up for our drubbing as well," Yuen explained.

"But in the end, we wanted to really hit them where it hurts, you know? And that means Motorolas instead of Samsungs for all our nouveau riche in Shanghai."

And did the Chinese leadership ever consider simply taking the loss on the chin, and showing good sportsmanship?

"Hey where do you come up with questions like this? Have you ever seen the inside of a PRISON CAMP?" Mr. Yuen asked Dokdo Is Ours; the intrepid reporter decided this line of questioning would not be fruitful.

To restore good relations, the Korean minister of Economy has considered delivering the Korean baseball team to an angry Chinase mob once the World Baseball Classic ends, possibly outside a Carrefour somewhere in Hunan province, but the question is whether even that would appease Beijing, and prompt them to re-open borders.

"People need to understand our unique culture more, and respect our five-thousand-year history," Chieng Zhou, China's minister of imports and exports explained. "Our ancient culture cannot take such an embarrassment lying down. Especially when China is finally having its day in the sun, doing well on the international arena, after so many years of ignominy."

Korea's minister of Economy, Kwang Hu-seon, asked Beijing to be more flexible during negotiations to make peace: "They need to understand our unique culture, and take our five-thousand-year history into account" he said. "Our ancient culture is finally having its day in the sun, doing well in international competition after so many years of ignominy."


Anonymous said...

Fantastic... loved it.

I have a request though. Like this post, not all posts have to make fun of Korea right? Couldn't some post make fun of countries that Korea relates with like China, U.S., Japan and North Korea?

Dokdo Is Ours said...

Anonymous: if you send me articles making fun of other countries, I'll publish them and credit you.

Until then, you should learn more about my unique culture, or read another blog. I have a five thousand year history of writing about these topics, and now you want me to become just like the onion? Damn your imperialism!

I have made fun of all those countries at different times: Dokdo Is Ours does not discriminate.

However, seeing as the blog title is Dokdo Is Ours, you must understand my need to keep a fairly tight topical focus.

And the fact is, if I broaden my subject matter that widely, I'll have so much to mock that I won't have free time to do anything else.