Tuesday 23 June 2009

Lee Myung-Bak Named World Leader of The Year: 1958

For his groundbreaking work on surpressing civil dissent and utilising the media to promote his ends, while judiciously limiting the freedoms of the ignorant masses for their own good, Lee Myung-bak has been awarded "World Leader of the Year, 1958"

"What Korea needs right now is an authoritarian hand to guide it out of the wreckage of the Korean War: after such a divisive event like the Korean War, South Korea clearly needs ideological unity in order to move forward. We applaud President Lee's clever initiatives to quell subversion and fractured ideology through prosecution of the media and outlawing protest."

President Lee's leadership style has been described as "headstrong," "unable to see other points of view," "clumsy" and "as bad as Adolf Hitler" by some of his critics, but he has been diligent in maintaining national unity by burying such subversives in so much litigation and paperwork that they are unable to continue criticizing him: this "death by lawyer" tactic is praised as a forward-thinking technique more advanced than the kind of detainment in political prisons used by other world leaders. "We thought about trying everyone for communism, like good old Joe McCarthy," President Lee said, "but this way we don't even need to bother with facts to be distorted: we just send investigators to their house to ask them questions that don't lead anywhere. Then come the lawyers."

While a civil servants' union and several newspapers are openly criticizing President Lee's adherence to an agenda that is losing popularity, his prosecution's possibly politically motivated investigation of the late ex-president Roh Moo-hyun, and his prosecution of news programs that caused him political difficulty. However, President Lee is unfazed. "Once we remove these dissidents, the friendly news agencies will help the public to quickly forget all that inconvenient stuff, and our nation will be unified. In exchange for some favors, we have The Wonder Girls planning four more comebacks this year to keep the public distracted."

Other reasons Lee was chosen were his commitment to bring his country into the modern era through trade, and large infrastructure projects, like a big effing canal, that will help intraKorean trade, as right now Koreans have no way to travel from Seoul to Busan. In order to facilitate his initiatives, President Lee is working to concentrate more power in the office of President. His rival, Park Geun-hye has found herself on the outside looking in: another of president Lee's strategies to enact his agenda more efficiently has been to ostracize even members of his own party who disagree with him: such a bold leadership style earned kudos from several other world leaders.

One young Venezuelan expressed his admiration for President Lee in a warm letter with a picture. "I am Hugo. I like you." His father, Hugo de Los Reyes, thought little Hugo Chavez would go far if he took President Lee's methods to heart.

"Just remember, little Hugo: gather power, silence your critics," were the wise words President Lee gave his advice to the small boy. As an object lesson, he let little Hugo hold the stamp while he approved the persecution of a political cartoonist.

So what are President Lee's plans for 1959, to try and repeat next year?

"Lots of plans...I've taken care of almost all my critics and opponents, and we're hoping to discredit those remaining this year; from there, I'm thinking of making Christianity the official state religion of Korea and possibly merging the media with the government's promotional sector. Then I'll have basically a blank slate to form Korea in the shape I want. For God."

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