Thursday 16 September 2010

Seoul's 2022 World Cup Bid Includes Conquest Plans for North Korea

After reading the article, "Korea to Share Games with North if Chosen to Host 2022 World Cup," Dokdo Is Ours tracked down Park Yu-tu, to discover further details about such a boggling proposition. Here is the interview as it transpired.

DIO: So, Mr. Park, you're in charge of South Korea's World Cup 2022 bid?

Park: That's correct. I mange the slush funds, the callgirls, the promotional materials, and I lead the 'outlandish promises' team.

DIO: And how many people are on the outlandish promises team?

Park: About forty-million.  Some of them are working on finding ways to control Korea's soccer players by remote access, through computer chips in their heads, so that our Starcraft champions can control our players the way they control their armies in Starcraft.  We'd be invincible!

DIO: So, tell me more about this plan to include games in North Korean sites in the 2022 World Cup.

Park: Well, because we're not totally sure about North Korea's leadership over the next decade, we of course have several contingencies, all of which were presented to the FIFA inspectors during our pitch last week.

DIO: And what are some of those contingencies?

Park: After talking with North Korea, they're happy to participate in the World Cup if it means more famous people will be photographed visiting North Korea, in order for their journalists to make up regime-friendly quotes for them.  Also, because the host team automatically qualifies for the World Cup, the North is very interested in providing housing and food for the opposing teams, and they seemed particularly excited about providing breakfast for opposing team players on game days.  I can't imagine why.  They say they are designing special hotel suites for players from other countries, so they'll be especially prepared to play the home team.

DIO: Were there any qualifiers attached to this cooperation?

Park: Well, if FIFA insists on inspecting these hotel rooms before the game days, the North will withdraw its cooperation.  Unless the FIFA inspectors are the same people as the nuclear inspection team that investigated North Korea's WMD development programs from 1999-2004.

DIO: And what if North Korea DOES fail to cooperate?

Park: That's contingency number one, of course.  As you can see on these diagrams, extensive plans for the conquest of North Korea were also presented to the FIFA team: we're confident that if we attack in 2018, we can defeat North Korea and have soccer stadiums finished by 2021 - well ahead of time.  The unification of the Korean peninsula would be a great backstory to the games, too: "World Cup of Unification!" So heartwarming! Imagine! Hey! Maybe that could be the theme song!  John Lennon's 'Imagine.'  A defeated North Korea would make an ideal host, really: the broken will of the people will make the people very pliant service-workers in the hotels and restaurants.  Plus, we'll be making them work for no pay - victor's rights and all - so the World Cup will be guaranteed to come in under budget.

DIO: Very interesting.  So what other outlandish promises were made during the bid?

Park: Oh, the usual: legions of creamy-thighed virgins, economic prosperity, safe return of their missing sons, a special off-center balanced ball that will lead to scads of goals, and of course, free Samsung phones for everyone!

DIO: So you're saying that South Korea will go to war to host the World Cup again?

Park: You say that as if there's something wrong with that.  I haven't mentioned contingency two yet, have I?

DIO: And that would be?

Park: The conquest of whichever country IS awarded the 2022 World Cup - that contingency was presented to the FIFA Inspectors as well, and they are well aware that we have all their home addresses.

DIO: Don't you think the threat of violence is a bit extreme?

Park: Hey man!  Why are you hate the Korea?  You should learn more the Korea, or Yankee Go Home!  I'm think you don't anything the Korea.  Just chase Korean girl, disrespect Korea culture!  Why you hate the Korea so much?  Oh MY GAT!  I so ANGRY!!

Unfortunately, the interview was ended at that point, when Park Yu-tu attempted to have Dokdo Is Ours stand on a trap door and drop him into a shark tank.

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