Thursday 7 October 2010

Korea Under 17 Soccer to Start K-Pop Band

After winning the Women's Under-17 World Cup of Soccer last month, Korea's Under-17 Women's Soccer Team has revealed larger ambitions.

"Well," explains team star Yeo Min-ji, the tournament's leading scorer, "Coming from a country where women are often considered second-class citizens, it always burned us the way Korean Men's soccer got all the attention during the world cup, but not a single member of the women's team got a cosmetics endorsement, or even an awkward beer commercial."

"So we've decided to do what all Korean teenage girls want to do, if they want to become more famous: we're going to become pop stars."

SM Entertainment confirmed the report, saying that the entire twenty-three woman roster had signed identical twelve-year slave contracts, and that training in dance moves and sexy contortions would begin in November.

"Usually we have to train those lazy girls, whose only self-discipline comes from dancing into their webcams," explained Jung, SM Entertainment's main talent scout.  "These girls come to us already in the peak of physical condition, which gives us high hopes, as long as we can get them to move in unison."

Stylist Kang Young-ju, SM Entertainment's fashion consultant, has done initial beauty consultations with each of the girls, "They came in pretty confident, having just won the under-seventeen world cup; I had to spend a lot of time shaming them for their big faces, lacks of v-lines and s-lines and x-lines, for their over-muscular legs and energetic demeanors, before they really realized how far they had to come before they could accomplish anything in the world: what man would find a vivacious, strong and fit woman attractive?  But don't worry.  By the time I'm done, they'll know how to demur, lower their eyes, play aegyo, and act like passive kittens."

PR Coach Han Sohn-gyu also encouraged the victorious players to be more careful about how they spoke to the press.

"Stop talking about all this soccer stuff: the last thing a man wants to hear about is a woman telling him she's really good at kicking balls," he explained, shuddering, "from now on, I want them to use adjectives like 'silly' and 'dumb old me' to talk about themselves, not 'ass-kicking,' 'conquering,' or 'world-class'."

Everyone at SM entertainment is excited about the prospect of a 23-member K-pop band.  "There's just so, so, so many!  If one of them isn't a good dancer, we can just put her in the back row, but 23 young girls doing dance moves in skirts: we'll have our audiences hypnotized, even if they don't have any talent!  And from what I've seen in their first dance trials, they might not."

"We'll have them ready to be pop-stars in no time.  Then, their mothers will truly be proud."

And if they fail at K-pop stardom?

"Well, there are always two other ways to success in Korea: passing the bar exam, or marrying a doctor," explained Yeo Min-Ji's mother, who refused to comment on her daughter's habit of playing sports.

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