Thursday 14 August 2008

Genealogies Prove Michael Phelps Is Korean

Ancient archives recently discovered by Buddhist scholars in Kyungju have proven that Michael Phelps, America's gold-medal-winning olympian, is actually Korean.

See the resemblance?  Phelps, above, and Korea's own other golden boy, Park Tae-Hwan, below.

Ko Ji-Mal, an ancient archivist, was looking through old texts and records trying to prove Dokdo belongs to Korea recently, when he came across a parchment of lost genealogies.

"I nearly dropped my pen . . . I mean, magnifying glass . . . when I realized the name Pel Puh-suh, of a Korean emmigrant to the United States, could be Americanized into the name 'Phelps'"  Ko Ji-Mal said in his first interview since releasing his documents to the public.

"It seems there was a family of seamen living in the East Sea"
"You mean the Sea of Japan?" Dokdoisours asked, to be sure of locations.
"East Sea, motherfucker."
"That's what we call it in English.  Sea of Japan." 
"Do you want this interview or not?"
"So, in the East Sea."
"Exactly.  They seemed to be excellent swimmers: the youngest brother of Pel Puh-suh regularly swam to Dokdo to hunt Korean crabs, according to these parchments."
"Is that a 3M logo on the bottom corner of your parchment?"
"Do you want this interview or not?"
"My bad.  I see it is an ancient forgotten Chinese character that closely RESEMBLES the 3M logo."
"Thank you.  Anyway, Pel Puh-suh decided to swim East one day, and go to America."
"Isn't Japan East of Korea?"
"Shush.  You don't understand our ancient culture."
"Anyway, as far as the records show, Pel Puh-suh swam all the way to Maryland, where Michael Phelps was born."
"Maryland is a landlocked state."
"Why don't you go back where you came from, if you're just going to find all the flaws in everything I say?  This document proves. . . PROVES that Michael Phelps is Korean, and all his gold medals should go towards Korea's medal count."

Upon closer inspection of the ancient parchments, and extreme duress, Dokdoisours was eventually convinced as well, that the parchments are indeed authentic.  In fact, it is the opinion of this journalist that Phelps should immediately cover over the Stars and Stripes on his uniform and replace them with the beloved Taegukki.  In this important exploration of Korea's history, such revelations are an important part of our obvious superiority to all other races heritage.

Other famous personages who were actually Korean:

Albert Einstein
Hwang Woo-Suk
Mao Tse-Tung
Abraham Lincoln
Florence Nightingale
Kim Possible
Charlie Chaplin
The guy who eventually cures cancer.
Judy Garland


Charles Montgomery said...

That picture of Batman is wrong in sooo many ways..

I found your blog on the Korean Blog List. Sorry to do this in comments, but I didn't see an email link.

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Your email will not be used for anything other than this survey (in fact it is not a required field in the survey) and if you have any questions, I can be contacted here at

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Anonymous said...
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Dokdo Is Ours said...

Awww! My first troll.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. Please keep it up. I've missed the Yangpa and Party Pooper of old so!