Wednesday, 11 February 2009

IMF Changes Economic Forecast For Korea on Strength of Kim Yuna's Gold Medal

by the guy who wrote this article:

While they had originally forecast a shocking four percent economic contraction for Korea in 2009, due to worldwide economic downturns, and their adverse effects on export-based economies, the International Monetary Fund's panel of finance exports reconsidered their prediction of Korea's economic performance, after being "just that fu¢king impressed" by Yuna Kim's performance at the Four Continents' Championship Figure Skating competition in Vancouver last week.

IMF representative Jerry Park explained, "Just as Seri Park's golf wins singlehandedly turned Korea's economy around in 1997, we see no reason to believe that Yuna Kim's figure skating wins will not have the same effect on Korea's financial infrastructure in 2008. We are officially changing our prediction for Korea's economic performance this year from a four percent contraction to an eleventy-hundred million bazillion percent increase. YEAH, BABY! We also predict Koreans' average height will increase, widening the height gap between them and dirty Chinese or two-faced Japaness, we anticipate Park TaeHwan's dominance of swimming, now that Michael Phelps' career has been sabotaged by my friend Jang Kwang-ho's photoshop skills, and the spread of democracy throughout the third world, due to Miss Kim's figure skating skill."

"But Mr. Park," Dokdo Is Ours intrepidly asked, "Wasn't Korea's economic turnaround due to hard work from all its citizens, and a reorganization of many top-heavy and corrupt institutions?"

"You don't understand Korean culture. If you hate Yuna Kim so much, you should just go home. You should be thankful we let you stay here when it's obvious you only want to make money and chase our women and sell drugs to our children to make them gay."

"Nevermind," Dokdo Is Ours replied. "Go Yuna!"

The still-underage Yuna Kim has given Koreans burdened by worries about the economy something to cheer for.
In fact, said Kang Byuntae, the photographer responsible for the picture above, "Ever since Hyori turned thirty, the prospect of seeing more of Yuna Kim has given great hope to many of Korea's weary, dirty old men."

"You mean, see more of her on the front page, on the medal podium of various international competitions? On television in sports programming?"

"Oh, that too," Byuntae answered, "and if all that success leads to a spread in the Sports Chosun, so much the better."

Yuna Kim has not had an easy life: since a young age, she has battled a congenital defect wherein her limbs occasionally attach themselves to her body in the wrong places: this leg malfunction led to a disqualification in one early competition.

However, thanks to her dedicated mother's shouting rampages, the limb situation is almost completely under control; in her early childhood, Kim also struggled with the rare birth defect of having her head attached upside-down to her body.

Even this could not stop the indefatiguable Kim from achieving her mother's dream of success in international competiton.

The success of Yuna Kim, seen here with Randy Constan, of,has had another interesting side effect: by choosing Canadian Olympic silver-medalist Brian Orser as her coach, she has unintentionally done a great deal to mend the reputations of male English teachers in Korea, from Canada.

"Before Yuna Kim's success," said Juyeon Ok, a mother of three, "The only Canadian I could name offhand was Christopher Neill." Christopher Neill was the Canadian arrested in Thailand for sex crimes against Thai children; he had been teaching Korean children at a school in Gwangju. "However, now, when I hear the word Canada, I think of handsome Brian Orser spurring our national hero on to greater and greater success, and bringing pride and honor to Koreans everywhere, instead of only thinking of a dirty guy ogling Korean children. I have been much friendlier to the Canadian men teaching in my town since then."

Canadian Expat Patrick Rayburn also noticed this trend. "Ever since Brian Orser became a household name here, I've been more proud to wear my Canada flag baseball cap, and old men have been approaching me, asking, 'do you know Brian Orser?' and buying me drinks instead of throwing them in my face and calling my Korean female companions whores. The mothers now expect me to train their children into world champions, but they're also much friendlier."

World champions? Dokdo Is Ours incredulously repeated.

Patrick nodded his head. "Do you even know if there's a world speech contest championship?"

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