Saturday 22 August 2009

I am sitting in front of a mirror as I write this, and the mirror is shaped like a map of korea, and on that mirror, I have written "Yang Yong-eun"

Hello. I'd like to tell you a story.

This is a story about a man. A Korean man. A true man. A true Korean man. Verily, a truly true Korean man is the one this story is about!

His name is Yang, a name that shall resound in the memories of proud Koreans for generations to come! For in the face of Korean men's golfing frustration, like David to that American Goliath, like Jerry to the oversized cat Tom, this man slew the great Red, White, and Blue beast Tiger Woods.

For years now, male Korean golf fans were out in the cold, left to languish with Park Se-ri posters on our bedroom walls and bathroom doors: indeed, when I gazed at that poster, I mostly just had to think about Korea when I touched myself.

However, men like me are no longer in the cold: while Korean females have heroes like Seri Park and Michelle Wie and other stars we can claim are Korean, now, when I touch myself and think of Korean golf, my mind can fill with the glorious smile of Yang Yong-eun!

Golf is no longer relegated to the realm of activities for females, like cooking, cleaning, and bearing children, in the Korean mind. You see, our man Yang, who is a man, won a tournament called the Masters' Tournament, one of the most prestigious tournaments in the world: the Harvard University of Golf Tournaments, if you will, and with indomitable Korean will and spirit, he gazed the mixed-raced Tiger Woods in the eye, and as Dr. Hwang Woo-suk's chopstick skill led him to a Nobel Prize in science, Yang's pure han blood won out over the biracial Tiger.

For Korean men, Golf is no longer a woman's activity, or a pretense to go whoring in the Phillipines and act like dicks on their fairways: it is not a true pursuit of Korean superiority, and just as Park Se-ri's victory in the 1998 Women's Open, creditable to her admirable father, her skill with hands, and her irrepressible Kimchi-power and strong family values, rescued Korea from the clutches of the Asian Financial crisis caused by the evil IMF's intervention in Korean affairs, Yang's victory shall herald a rise in Korean prominence, to at least sixth in the world by 2012.

Yet not only should this win be heralded for the way Yang single-handedly handed Tiger Woods his club covers, metaphorically stripping his red winner's t-shirt and wiping his great han bottom with that color that once stood for assured victory, but now resembles a kimchi crap, it should also be remembered that, while Park Se-ri was aided by the guidance of her father, her strong family values, and her skill with hands, developed by learning to make Kimchi with her mother, Yang's victory was a totally individual accomplishment, for which all Koreans can share credit.

Like Korea, Yang pulled himself out of poverty through his only refuge, Golf, practicing late at night, working all hours with determination: yes, he knew it was succeed or die with golf. That survival instinct, pitted against Tiger's Killer instinct, caused the Tiger to flinch, and Yang simply thought of the shame his mother would feel around the sewing circle, if she had to justify a son who not only failed to attend Korea's top university, but also lost to Tiger Woods. Yes, as Korea struggled out of poverty, so did Yang, he overcame the Park Chung-hee dictatorship of exhaustion, the Chun Doo-hwan massacre of discouragement, the Financial Crisis of qualifying, and the regional rivalry strife of self-doubt, now with his Hallyu of victory, he enjoys world recognition at last.

Though the stereotype of Korean male golfers is that their drives are a little, um, shorter, than most American men's long balls, Yang has proven that the Korean wood drives just as far as Americans with their long drivers. Indeed, when it comes to holing out, Korean men shall henceforward be recognized as in no way inferior to the Americans and other races in capturing flags.

From here, forward, Korean golf will no longer just be a way for the monied elite to lord their cash over the dirty and poor, it will also be yet another reason for Koreans to proclaim the rise of their country, just as we defeated everyone until we lost in the World Cup, just as Park Seri defeats all opponents except when she loses, just as Yang is a destroyer of his foes, except when he isn't, Korea shall be known as the greatest country in the world, except when it isn't.


DSW said...

I've met Tiger Woods and I've met Bill Murray - they all play golf near my house. They told me years ago that Koreans play golf the same way the do business, go to school, work in politics and conduct a marriage - cheating. It's all about cheating.

Anonymous said...

I think I shit myself laughing