Wednesday 5 August 2009

Now that Those American Journalists are Free, Can We Get Bill Clinton to Go to Dokdo?

After being photographed with Bill Clinton, who, in the despot's words, is "Really fuc&ing famous," a starstruck Kim Jong-il released Euna Lee and Laura Ling, two U.S. Journalists who had been detained at the North Korean border.

While it is suspected that Mr. Clinton went personally to get the first chance at making a bid to the two women on a book deal, in order to help out a publisher friend of his, he declined to comment on any publishing connections, saying only that it was a pleasure to be able to help out. Asked about Clinton, Kim Jong-il himself remembered his presidency fondly: "Potato nose was nicer than the black one. Where's my cognac?"

The star-struck Kim pondered later, "You know, maybe the main reason I got into this tyrant thing in the first place was to meet famous people. I'm telling you right now, a photo of me sitting next to Jessica Alba, and I'd re-join the six-party talks for sure; and if she were wearing a see-through top, I'd dismantle my nuclear power plants on the spot. If she'd star in my next movie, Bulgasari II: Attack of the Giant Capitalist Pig Of Death With Gory Fangs of Free Enterprise That Is Eating The Ryugyeong Hotel, I'd turn food distribution in North Korea over to the U.N. and the free market."

Jessica Alba could not be reached for comment, but her agent sent this photo.

Meanwhile, after seeing Bill Clinton's persuasive charm at work, South Koreans are trying to convince him to visit Dokdo. "Everywhere he goes, from the intern lounge to Pyongyang, Bill gets what he wants. If we could just get him photographed holding a Korean Flag on Dokdo, I'm sure the dispute would be solved more definitively than these ancient maps...which are too fragile for carbon dating, so I can't let you test them and verify their age...could ever accomplish!"

Toward that end, the Korean Dokdo Institute is looking for American Journalists to kidnap and detain on the two islands. They are thinking of holding a UCC contest to choose their final kidnap victims.

"We look forward to a quick resolution to this dispute, now that we have the Power of Clinton on our side. Amen."

Dokdo is Ours, reporting


DSW said...

Awesome article... I'm glad you didn't stoop to mentioning the fact that Clinton only freed the journalists so he could screw them... Classy.

Dokdo Is Ours said...

That's interns, silly, not journalists.

The Bobster said...

Bill Clinton did not have sex with those women! Of course, it depends on how you define ...

Does anyone remember why Euna Lee and Laura Lim were there at all? It was to investigate trafficking of NK women as sexual slaves ... I mean, hey, I know it's a humor blog, so the innuendo about we're doing about Bill is predictable, but I wonder when someone will mention it.

And now that they are out, will they be able to tell whatever they found out? Or will it be considered less important than missiles and nukes?

DSW said...

Clinton ain't picky... Look at his wifey.