Tuesday 1 December 2009

Repeal of Law Against Promising Marriage for Sex Will Unravel Our Nation's Moral Fiber

(don't forget: claim your pages for Deo Geuraeteu Kechupi Ploject)

I'm a good Korean man. I paid my dues as a Korean male: I downed shots at my managers' orders, and waited my turn to force other entry-level workers to drink until they couldn't move. I forced my wife to quit her job like a dutiful bread-winner would, and I conscientiously cover my tracks when I go whoring, in order to avoid shaming my wife. I gave a false name to that Philippino lady, so that she'll never be able to track me down for paternity payments after I nailed her without a condom for that week I went on a golfing vacation, so that my family's will not be dishonored.

And it is because of my strong family values that I am upset, nay, shocked, that the Constitutional Court has repealed the law that punishes men for promising marriage in order to get women to have sex.

You see, first of all, the kind of men who do this deserve to be punished: they have their social order all mixed up. Everybody knows that the fun girls who are sex partners don't need promises of marriage to put out: just a bit of alcohol and flattery, or some money. If men are dumb enough not to be able to differentiate the "Good Marriage Prospect" girls from the "Fun Time Easy Girls," here are some tips they can follow:

1. If her skirt is below mid-thigh, she is unlikely to be a fun-time girl.
2. If she is backlit by a room full of purple lights, and sitting in a window on a stool, she is a fun-time girl.
3. If you met her in church, she is... probably not... a fun-time girl.
4. If she wants you to meet her parents, she is a marriage prospect.
5. If she is in high school, and you met her online, she is a fun-time girl.

Any man who cannot tell who are fun-time girls and who are not, is a darn fool... or he is simply too cheap to follow the natural order of Korean society, and pay for sex from the proper class of female. He should indeed be punished for trying to get things for free, by trying to make a fun-time girl think he considers her a good marriage prospect. This law blurs the line between the different classes of girls, and will lead to social chaos.

If we allow men to lure women into bed by promising marriage, imagine the kind of society we will have! Rich young men will drive down the street, leering out their car windows and proposing marriage to any girl they see. Those poor ignorant females will not know who is sincere and who is lying, and the lure of their fancy cars will blind them to their normal common sense. Respectable young ladies will be besmirched, rather than just the easy fun-time sex partners, and soon there will be no pure virgins for men to marry, after they have had their fun boinking the fun-time girls.

Next, those goodwives, who used to know their place, will want to keep working after they have babies, and may stop being satisfied with brand name fixations and Korean Television Dramas, those mind-numbing opiates that have kept them from eclipsing men in Korean society so far. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it! If the family goes topsy-turvy, next kids without academic talent might choose to go into useful skilled trades, instead of failing ultra-competitive tests, time and time again. They might start wanting to live alone, or make dating, education, or work choices that make them independent and happy, rather than choosing the options that give their parents optimum bragging rights. Confucius' Bones! What is the world coming to!

The Ministry of Gender Equality must act immediately to restore Korea's social order and family values, so that the different calibers of women remain in their proper spheres, and the good looking and well-educated men of Korea can continue browbeating their proper wives into quitting their jobs after they have babies, and putting their educations and career potentials where they belong: on the shelf.

Fortunately, there are still a few lies that are illegal to tell, when trying to lure a Korean woman into bed.

1. I'll pay you when we're done. (better not lie: pay what was promised)
2. This is my Equus, not my father's.
3. No, I'm sure it's legal at your age.
4. Don't worry: it's perfectly safe to ride behind me without a helmet. I'm an excellent scooter driver.
5. My father's the owner: that's why I'm doing deliveries for this restaurant.
6. I think that English teacher dropped something in your drink.
7. Don't make that face: it grows when it gets hard. (yes, I went there)

If these lies also become legal, it will be utter chaos in Korea!

As a Public Service Announcement, you should know that it is, however, legal to seduce a woman by saying:
1. "No, no. These cocktails are no stronger than the beer I'm drinking."
2. "I'm just bringing you to this motel so you can sleep it off."


holterbarbour said...

"Confucius' Bones!"


DSW said...

Luckily I'm a dirty foreigner with no morals, so I don't need to remember all that, but good for you for listing it all. It will save people plenty of wasted time and embarrassment.