Saturday 26 June 2010

Uruguay Internet Commissioner Urges Team to Lose World Cup Match

(picture source)

The commissioner of the Uruguay Internet and Communications Commission has urged team Uruguay not to win their upcoming round of 16 match against South Korea.

"While all Uruguay's excited about making it to the round of sixteen, and winning our group in the World Cup final, the harsh reality is, our country's internet infrastructure and web servers are simply not equipped for a victory against South Korea."

While Uruguay, a country of 3.5 million people, is a four-time world cup champion, all those victories came in the early days of the international world cup; this year, all Uruguayans near and far are excited about Uruguay's chances to reclaim former glory.  However, the nation's telecommunications infrastructure, while sound under normal circumstances, "is completely unprepared" for the typical South Korean response to a loss in the International Sporting arena.

South Korea, with a population about fifteen times larger than Uruguay, is one of the most connected countries in the world, with a huge number of highly skilled internet users and hackers.  The country is known for internet attacks on countries that have done South Korean athletes and teams wrong, and incidents related to Japanese figure skater Miki Ando, Swiss Football in World Cup 2006, as well as the Apolo Ohno and Jim Hewish "scandals" from Olympic short-track speed skating competitions, have Uruguayan communications experts expecting the worst, come a Uruguay victory.

"If our team wins, at least let it be on clean strikes and non-controversial plays, or due to a South Korean meltdown: any shady calls or questionable plays, and we're afraid South Korean DDOS attacks and the like will crash our entire nation's communications network."

Asked to comment on the Uruguayan Internet Commissioner's comments, coach Oscar Tabarez said the recommendation would not change his game plan.  "We hope to win; I think every Uruguayan in our nation would happily forgo two weeks of internet usage to see Uruguay make it to the quarterfinal."

A street poll of Uruguayans in the nation's capital, Montevideo, revealed that 60% of Uruguayans agreed with the coach.  "I'll just use my land line phone for a while."

When asked whether such a crippling attack would hamper the Uruguayan economy, businessman Orlando Mendelo summed up public sentiment best, "If we make the semifinal or the final, nobody will be using the internet for business anyway: it'll be a two week street party, so nothing will be lost."

Such deflections did not change the opinions of South Korean netizens.  Internet user "DOKDOISKOREACOUNTRYFUCKJAPAN" declared his intention to attack the internet infrastructure of whichever team eliminated Korea from contention, regardless, and "ANDOSUXYUNAISQUEEN" described his plans to coordinate those attacks from a PC Room near his house.  "It's a PC Room, but we call it the war room."  Finally, "KIMCHIROCKSUSBEEFISCRAZYCOW" said, "I intend to watch the soccer game, but really, in my opinion, the main purpose of international sports events are to help me find the next country to hate, anyway.  Go Korea!"

This writer, too, can say nothing except he hopes Korea wins, eleventy-million to zero, and of course, he will be cheering in the streets for his favorite country, Korea.


(simon and martina)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The guy with the beret in the first video sounds just like my coworker.

Huh-Maradona koma strip

I for one am glad I don't have to hear incessant chanting of dae hanminguk set to Beethoven's 'Ode to Joy' for a while, or watch those racist Hyundai Motors ads.

Do you know? Beethoven was Korean