Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Now that Those American Journalists are Free, Can We Get Bill Clinton to Go to Dokdo?


After being photographed with Bill Clinton, who, in the despot's words, is "Really fuc&ing famous," a starstruck Kim Jong-il released Euna Lee and Laura Ling, two U.S. Journalists who had been detained at the North Korean border.

While it is suspected that Mr. Clinton went personally to get the first chance at making a bid to the two women on a book deal, in order to help out a publisher friend of his, he declined to comment on any publishing connections, saying only that it was a pleasure to be able to help out. Asked about Clinton, Kim Jong-il himself remembered his presidency fondly: "Potato nose was nicer than the black one. Where's my cognac?"

The star-struck Kim pondered later, "You know, maybe the main reason I got into this tyrant thing in the first place was to meet famous people. I'm telling you right now, a photo of me sitting next to Jessica Alba, and I'd re-join the six-party talks for sure; and if she were wearing a see-through top, I'd dismantle my nuclear power plants on the spot. If she'd star in my next movie, Bulgasari II: Attack of the Giant Capitalist Pig Of Death With Gory Fangs of Free Enterprise That Is Eating The Ryugyeong Hotel, I'd turn food distribution in North Korea over to the U.N. and the free market."

Jessica Alba could not be reached for comment, but her agent sent this photo.


Meanwhile, after seeing Bill Clinton's persuasive charm at work, South Koreans are trying to convince him to visit Dokdo. "Everywhere he goes, from the intern lounge to Pyongyang, Bill gets what he wants. If we could just get him photographed holding a Korean Flag on Dokdo, I'm sure the dispute would be solved more definitively than these ancient maps...which are too fragile for carbon dating, so I can't let you test them and verify their age...could ever accomplish!"

Toward that end, the Korean Dokdo Institute is looking for American Journalists to kidnap and detain on the two islands. They are thinking of holding a UCC contest to choose their final kidnap victims.

"We look forward to a quick resolution to this dispute, now that we have the Power of Clinton on our side. Amen."

Dokdo is Ours, reporting

Friday, 31 July 2009

Boryeong Mud Festival's "Inferno" Theme A Wild Success

The Boryeong Mud Festival's organizers are thrilled by the success of the theme they chose for this year's Boryeong Mud Festival.

"We were looking at the paintings of Gustave Dore and Heironymous Bosch -- the cluttered jumbles of human forms -- and it seemed like a no-brainer to us to make this kind of ancient art the theme of our festival."

Dante's Hell


Bosch
: The Garden of Earthly Delights

The Damned Descend into Hell
Franz Francken (source)
It was our hope to recreate some of that jumbled madness at the festival this summer, said Jung Won-ki, programs coordinator.


"Both on land and in the water, really, we were hoping for this kind of effect."

sources (one and two)
Gustave Dore: Dante's Inferno.

Mud festival pictures from here
Comparing these ancient masterpieces with photography from the mud festival, Jung Won-ki smiles a sly smile.


"I think they look exactly the same."
"Don't you?"


"We were thinking about asking people to dress up...but it turned out not to be necessary."



"Really, Dante would be proud to see a scene like this."



"Except this last one. This one's just bloody hot!"

Sunday, 19 July 2009

This Just In: Talent Not A Requisite for K-Pop Success

HT to All K-Pop

The huge success of the Infinity Challenge Mini-Album has proven that the absence of actual talent is not an actual detriment to one's chance at K-pop success. Hastily slapped-together songwriting, low production quality, constricting recording/production time-frames and a lack of album unity also don't matter, as long as the performers are reported on the right TV shows, and have a strong enough online presence.

This also just in:
Bear Shits In Woods!

Oh my fuc&ing God, are you serious?

Friday, 17 July 2009

Proposed Replacement Slogans for Korea: Sparkling!

HT to ROK Drop

  • South Korea: Different from North Korea!
  • South Korea: Land of Fruit-Vendors and Bat-shit Politicians
  • South Korea: Can You Spot the Nork Spy?
  • Korea: We Don't Read Our English T-Shirts Before We Buy Them...but You Can!
  • South Korea: Schedule An Extra 7 Days for Quarantine!
  • South Korea: Seriously, We DON'T all Look The Same. Come and See.
  • South Korea: We'll Only Hate You If You Teach English
  • The Korea Formerly Known As Sparkling!
  • Korea: ________ (adjective)! We are very ______ (adjective)! Come ______(verb) in our ________ (place name)! Our ________ is spicy.
  • Come to South Korea, so We Don't Have To Travel Abroad to Form Prejudices About People from Your Country!
  • South Korea: More Polite Than China!
  • Korea: HELLO! HELLO! HELLO! WHERE ARE YOU FROM? I'M SORRY I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH!
  • South Korea: Cleaner than Calcutta!
  • Korea: Hub of Self-Aggrandizing Pronouncements
  • South Korea: Cheaper than Japan, and Better at Women's Golf!
  • Korea: Go Talk To The Foreigner, Young-mi!
  • South Korea: No Longer a War-Torn Shithole!
  • Do You Know Park Jisung?
  • South Korea: Bigger Than Koreatown LA!
  • Do You Know Korea?
  • Korea Virus!
  • Korea: Pushiest Christians in the World!
  • Korea: Somebody Once Called Us The Polite Country To The East, And We've Been Holding Onto that For A While
  • Korea: We Celebrate Every Special Occasion With Hot Girls In Short Skirts!

Put Your Own Suggestions In The Comments:

Friday, 3 July 2009

Lee Eun-eung to expand hate campaign to include unqualified Korean Nationals.

Lee Eun-eung, key member and mouthpiece of the Anti-English spectrum, has revealed a surprising change of tactics in his hate campaign against foreign English teachers.

"I have spent hours and weeks and years now, hating foreign English teachers. Unqualified foreign English teachers who fake degrees and do drugs and have consensual sex with Korean women who will not have sex with me. However, these days, I have realized something important, but to explain it properly, I have to give you some background.

"You see, it started last Sunday after I got together with some of my Anti-English Spectrum activists, following a white person in our neighborhood. We picked up his trail as he left church with a Korean woman, and also her Korean husband and children, and we followed him furtively to this Korean woman's apartment building, where he was obviously planning to have adulterous sex with her at knifepoint in front of her family, scarring the precious pure-blood Korean children for life. We followed him to the apartment building, and then threw rocks through the window of their apartment and shouted "Yankee Go Home!" and to prevent the degradation of that Korean woman, we shouted, "You're a whore to associate with Western men!" and other swear words we learned from watching American movies. God I love Tarantino. Don't you? Then, satisfied that we had prevented him from violating yet another pure Korean family, and degrading Korean women yet again, we decided to celebrate our bravery with a visit to the room salon."

"There, while celebrating our brave actions protecting Korea's pure han women by watching a titty show, and congratulating each other for helping Korean women to stay virtuous by buying each other lap-dances, you know, to help these pure Korean virgins pay for school, I felt an empty feeling.

"You see, after my mother disowned me and masturbating stopped being pleasurable for me years ago, once all the fetish videos I could find didn't help, I found that hating foreign English teachers was enough for me to find emotional catharsis, despite my frustration in, um, other areas of life. However, as I approach more and more Korean women who don't want to have sex with me, even after I hit them or their boyfriends to show my strength and prowess as a protector, or offer them money to demonstrate my financial stability and potential as a bread-winner, my frustration and misanthropy has grown too large to limit it to the tiny number of foreign English teachers in Korea. I realized that Korea is full of men who are unqualified to steal women to whom I have a natural birth-right, as the finest specimen the han-bloodline has to offer. It is now my intention to attempt to expel ALL men who are unqualified to steal my women, regardless of nationality, so that Korean women will be protected from any ineligible or unqualified possible mate, and the worthy will finally have their rightful choice of the virtuous Han females."

"Virtuous Han females?" Dokdo Is Ours asked.

"Yes. Who get tricked into being whores and have consensual sex with men who are not me. You see, many Korean women who will not have sex with me are instead having sex with foreign men...but many more again are having sex with KOREAN men, and so, I am being denied my rightful Han vagina."

"And you had this revelation..."

"At a titty bar. Yes. I have all my best ideas about how to respect and protect Korea's virtuous women at the titty bar."

"So," the intrepid journalist Dokdo Is Ours asked, "Who are some of the Korean citizens you would deem unworthy of Korean females?"

"Well, first of all, those presumptuous snobs who have more money than I do. Those shallow pricks have got to go. Ship'em off to America or something. Second, all the lazy slobs who have less money than me -- they have no ability to provide for Korea's virtuous women, so they have to go, too. To China, I guess. Deport them wherever. I don't care."

"Anybody else?"

"Those fancy-boys who are handsomer than I am have to stop putting on their stupid airs and leave the country. Also, all those disgusting jerks uglier than me are not worthy of staying in Korea. The pretentious phoneys who have more education than I do are disqualified from being with one of Korea's pure women, and the idiots with less education than me are also unworthy, of course."

"And don't you think Korea's women have the intelligence, and should have the freedom, to choose the partner they want?"

"What do you mean? Korea's virtuous women are hypnotized by blue eyes, good looks, intelligence, education, charm, good manners, money, class, respectful behavior, kindness, morals, or good upbringing, and like a voodoo spell, they lose the ability to choose a proper partner: ME!"

"So you've decided not to rest until every Korean man except yourself is expelled from Korea."

"That's right! So many men getting laid, and I'm not one of them! If my looks, money, education and manners, along with my expansive, open-mind and tolerant attitude are not enough to lead a woman to my protrusive embrace, then let them come to me because I'm the only man left in Korea!"

"And what do the other members of the Anti-English spectrum think about this?"

"As long as they can stay in Korea after all the other men have been expelled, they're all for it."

"How will you achieve this kind of a goal?"

"Well, we're going to start off by following around different men in our neighborhoods and discover their unsavory activities and evidence of bad character. Then we will expose them and warn them to leave Korea before we alert the authorities. We will continue doing this until every unworthy man in Korea has left the country, or until we get laid. So, we'll probably never stop. Hey. Who are you? What kind of a name is Dokdo Is Ours? Are you trying to steal one of MY women? I have a buddy who can trail you. Let me call him."

It seemed a prudent time to end the interview.

Dokdo Is Ours, Reporting.

Friday, 26 June 2009

To Gain Concessions, Kim Jong-Il Claims Responsiblity for Wondergirls English Version

Kim Jong-il has claimed responsibility for the American English version of the Wondergirls' hit song 'Nobody', announcing his intention to bring all America to its knees through hypersweet K-pop confections, in case his nuclear missiles fail.


American President Barack Obama had nothing to say about the despot's new tactic, though he was noticed to be tapping his feet while the musical sample played. "That's cute."

Hilary Clinton, meanwhile, reiterated that America would not negotiate with terrorists, be the weapon nuclear arms or toe-tapping dance crazes.

Park Jin-young, the purported producer of the Wondergirls, has denied any links to North Korea, and states that Kim Jong-il's attempt to use The Wondergirls' ultra-catchy pop sensibility for international terrorsim is reprehensible, and calls the claims categorically false.

"This American English version of 'Nobody' is meant to whet the appetites of American fans: the Wondergirls will be opening for the virginal Jonas Brothers and the Wondergirls have declared open intention to seduce them.

American fans, that is."

Park Jin-young has also announced that, now that the American English version of "Nobody" is on its way, the Wondergirls and the JYP songwriting team is working on a version of the song in British English. In the UK, the Wondergirls will be headlined as "Woundergirls"

"We realize that British and American English English are different, and can cause misunderstandings. That's why my former hagwon owner never hired Canadians or British, or black people. We're working hard to translate song lyrics into British English: for example, instead of "So Hot," we're going to name the song "So Ace" in England, and try to incorporate British phrases like "wanker" "bob's your uncle" and "keep your pecker up," which means fighting! I mean, cheer up." I found a useful website and I'm using it to totally rewrite our lyrics!

The anticipated cover of the British Wondergirls album.

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

From the Chosun Ilbo's Esteemed Photo Section:

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telephoto lens.

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high school girls. heh heh. wet.



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High school girls.


Foreign girls.

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Underage? What's that?

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Foreign girls.


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this is what they mean by exposee, right?

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This is the Chosun Ilbo, last, best bastion of Korean journalism reporting.

You stay classy!

Links:
one
two
three

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Lee Myung-Bak Named World Leader of The Year: 1958

For his groundbreaking work on surpressing civil dissent and utilising the media to promote his ends, while judiciously limiting the freedoms of the ignorant masses for their own good, Lee Myung-bak has been awarded "World Leader of the Year, 1958"

"What Korea needs right now is an authoritarian hand to guide it out of the wreckage of the Korean War: after such a divisive event like the Korean War, South Korea clearly needs ideological unity in order to move forward. We applaud President Lee's clever initiatives to quell subversion and fractured ideology through prosecution of the media and outlawing protest."

President Lee's leadership style has been described as "headstrong," "unable to see other points of view," "clumsy" and "as bad as Adolf Hitler" by some of his critics, but he has been diligent in maintaining national unity by burying such subversives in so much litigation and paperwork that they are unable to continue criticizing him: this "death by lawyer" tactic is praised as a forward-thinking technique more advanced than the kind of detainment in political prisons used by other world leaders. "We thought about trying everyone for communism, like good old Joe McCarthy," President Lee said, "but this way we don't even need to bother with facts to be distorted: we just send investigators to their house to ask them questions that don't lead anywhere. Then come the lawyers."

While a civil servants' union and several newspapers are openly criticizing President Lee's adherence to an agenda that is losing popularity, his prosecution's possibly politically motivated investigation of the late ex-president Roh Moo-hyun, and his prosecution of news programs that caused him political difficulty. However, President Lee is unfazed. "Once we remove these dissidents, the friendly news agencies will help the public to quickly forget all that inconvenient stuff, and our nation will be unified. In exchange for some favors, we have The Wonder Girls planning four more comebacks this year to keep the public distracted."

Other reasons Lee was chosen were his commitment to bring his country into the modern era through trade, and large infrastructure projects, like a big effing canal, that will help intraKorean trade, as right now Koreans have no way to travel from Seoul to Busan. In order to facilitate his initiatives, President Lee is working to concentrate more power in the office of President. His rival, Park Geun-hye has found herself on the outside looking in: another of president Lee's strategies to enact his agenda more efficiently has been to ostracize even members of his own party who disagree with him: such a bold leadership style earned kudos from several other world leaders.

One young Venezuelan expressed his admiration for President Lee in a warm letter with a picture. "I am Hugo. I like you." His father, Hugo de Los Reyes, thought little Hugo Chavez would go far if he took President Lee's methods to heart.

"Just remember, little Hugo: gather power, silence your critics," were the wise words President Lee gave his advice to the small boy. As an object lesson, he let little Hugo hold the stamp while he approved the persecution of a political cartoonist.

So what are President Lee's plans for 1959, to try and repeat next year?

"Lots of plans...I've taken care of almost all my critics and opponents, and we're hoping to discredit those remaining this year; from there, I'm thinking of making Christianity the official state religion of Korea and possibly merging the media with the government's promotional sector. Then I'll have basically a blank slate to form Korea in the shape I want. For God."